the family campout
I love my dad's side of the family. He has 6 living siblings, each of them have at least one child, and many of them have children--so there are somewhere in the neighborhood of 55 of us. Every year we have a labor day get-together at what is still fondly known as "Grandpa's Woods." (He bought the property and did fun things with it, and that was his heaven on earth, and now that he is gone, we still use it for our yearly get-together and remember him lovingly.) Since there are so many of us, we get a priest who knows our family well to come up to the woods and celebrate mass with us on Sunday evening. Without fail, some of us stay up late into the night around the campfire, laughing, and having a good time.
There are 5 of us that are not married and in the "young adulthood" stage: Katie, me, my brothers Steven and Danny, and Katie's sister Claire. I knew Kat was going to bring her fiancee this year, but it somehow did not come to my attention that Emily and Aixa (Danny and Steven's girlfriends) were coming until they were there.
Most of the time, this would be ok, and I wish I wasn't quite so vulnerable right now. I did a good job of still having a good time. I enjoyed being around my family. Jeremy (Kat's fiancee) made the comment to one of my aunts "There are only three couples that will be in our marriage prep class, one of them is us, and another is Katie's best friend." I was thrown off for a minute, thinking "Wait a minute, I'm Katie's best friend!" When Aunt Karen asked "Who's that?" Jeremy said "Kathleen Mayer. She just got engaged to James Thurman, he used to be a monk until a few months ago." (He hadn't taken his final vows yet.) Really, his comment about Kathleen being Katie's best friend didn't bother me...I'm not that possessive and Kathleen's really close to Katie too. The thing that got me was the realization that Kathleen gets to go through this stage in Katie's life with her and I don't. And don't get me wrong, I realize how completely petty that is. What's Kathleen supposed to do? Not get engaged because I'm over-sensitive right now? Stop hanging out with Katie until I'm married too? No, I'm not asking that. It just doesn't seem fair somehow.
Really, if I was told to pick between being a wife and a mother or my career, I wouldn't even need a moment's thought. I know exactly what I want more, and it isn't my career. Sure, that's important to me and I'm proud of it, but I have every intention of not working full-time once I start having kids. That will be my priority. Maybe that's not very progressive of me, but really...I don't care about being progressive for the sake of being progressive. I know I'm independent, I know I could make it on my own if I needed to. But when it comes down to it, I don't want to.
Like I said, I did fine most of the campout. I had a lot of fun, actually. Then, this morning I went for a walk. I wanted to walk on the trails that Grandpa cleared, see the ponds that he dug out, and pretend for a minute like he was out there somewhere in the woods, doing whatever he did out there.
And I broke down. I started getting so mad at God, telling him how unfair it was that I felt like I have a clear path to accomplishing whatever I want to in my professional life, but what I want so badly that is so close to my heart is so far out of my grasp.
Then I remembered Father Philip's homily from last night. Where he talked about God having not only a vocation, but a mission for us. And I heard God saying softly, gently, but firmly "maybe I'm not done using you as a single person yet." And then the tears started and I said "What do you want from me??" Not gentle and obedient like in the song that sings "What do you want from me, Lord? Where do you want me to serve you?" more like "What more could you possibly WANT from me??" still obedient, but exasperated.
So I prayed about it some (ps--actual spontaneous prayer that didn't feel labored...it's been a LONG time since I've had that!) and thought about what my mission might be. And then I remembered my "dixon" friends.
The friends I lived with on campus my first year of college.
My friends that have casual sex, premarital sex, do drugs, drink like fishes, and don't have anything to cling to like I do.
I've so hesitated to think of them as my "mission." They are my friends and it's mutual friendship. I'm so afraid that thinking of them as my "mission" puts me above them. But I've said myself for a long time that to lead is to serve.
I really think I was kind of on-target in my last post. I don't need to preach to them. It will do nothing. But I need to put on the zeal of Christ and let it be contagious. It is up to the Holy Spirit to do the work in their hearts but it's time for me to be excited about God. So I have some work to do on myself first. I'm getting there.
But prayers would be appreciated. Especially since I feel very lonely and vulnerable right now. I feel like God is asking me to be strong in a lot of ways and I'm not feeling up to the challenge at the moment.
There are 5 of us that are not married and in the "young adulthood" stage: Katie, me, my brothers Steven and Danny, and Katie's sister Claire. I knew Kat was going to bring her fiancee this year, but it somehow did not come to my attention that Emily and Aixa (Danny and Steven's girlfriends) were coming until they were there.
Most of the time, this would be ok, and I wish I wasn't quite so vulnerable right now. I did a good job of still having a good time. I enjoyed being around my family. Jeremy (Kat's fiancee) made the comment to one of my aunts "There are only three couples that will be in our marriage prep class, one of them is us, and another is Katie's best friend." I was thrown off for a minute, thinking "Wait a minute, I'm Katie's best friend!" When Aunt Karen asked "Who's that?" Jeremy said "Kathleen Mayer. She just got engaged to James Thurman, he used to be a monk until a few months ago." (He hadn't taken his final vows yet.) Really, his comment about Kathleen being Katie's best friend didn't bother me...I'm not that possessive and Kathleen's really close to Katie too. The thing that got me was the realization that Kathleen gets to go through this stage in Katie's life with her and I don't. And don't get me wrong, I realize how completely petty that is. What's Kathleen supposed to do? Not get engaged because I'm over-sensitive right now? Stop hanging out with Katie until I'm married too? No, I'm not asking that. It just doesn't seem fair somehow.
Really, if I was told to pick between being a wife and a mother or my career, I wouldn't even need a moment's thought. I know exactly what I want more, and it isn't my career. Sure, that's important to me and I'm proud of it, but I have every intention of not working full-time once I start having kids. That will be my priority. Maybe that's not very progressive of me, but really...I don't care about being progressive for the sake of being progressive. I know I'm independent, I know I could make it on my own if I needed to. But when it comes down to it, I don't want to.
Like I said, I did fine most of the campout. I had a lot of fun, actually. Then, this morning I went for a walk. I wanted to walk on the trails that Grandpa cleared, see the ponds that he dug out, and pretend for a minute like he was out there somewhere in the woods, doing whatever he did out there.
And I broke down. I started getting so mad at God, telling him how unfair it was that I felt like I have a clear path to accomplishing whatever I want to in my professional life, but what I want so badly that is so close to my heart is so far out of my grasp.
Then I remembered Father Philip's homily from last night. Where he talked about God having not only a vocation, but a mission for us. And I heard God saying softly, gently, but firmly "maybe I'm not done using you as a single person yet." And then the tears started and I said "What do you want from me??" Not gentle and obedient like in the song that sings "What do you want from me, Lord? Where do you want me to serve you?" more like "What more could you possibly WANT from me??" still obedient, but exasperated.
So I prayed about it some (ps--actual spontaneous prayer that didn't feel labored...it's been a LONG time since I've had that!) and thought about what my mission might be. And then I remembered my "dixon" friends.
The friends I lived with on campus my first year of college.
My friends that have casual sex, premarital sex, do drugs, drink like fishes, and don't have anything to cling to like I do.
I've so hesitated to think of them as my "mission." They are my friends and it's mutual friendship. I'm so afraid that thinking of them as my "mission" puts me above them. But I've said myself for a long time that to lead is to serve.
I really think I was kind of on-target in my last post. I don't need to preach to them. It will do nothing. But I need to put on the zeal of Christ and let it be contagious. It is up to the Holy Spirit to do the work in their hearts but it's time for me to be excited about God. So I have some work to do on myself first. I'm getting there.
But prayers would be appreciated. Especially since I feel very lonely and vulnerable right now. I feel like God is asking me to be strong in a lot of ways and I'm not feeling up to the challenge at the moment.