falling down
i've drifted in and out of sadness for as long as i can remember. i remember it starting in middle school. it comes and goes, for the last few months it feels like it's here more than gone. i've had this deep aching loneliness for what feels like forever even though i know i didn't used to feel this way. i don't remember not feeling this way really. i question what the point of living is every day. i'm 26 years old, i don't understand what the point is. i don't even feel like i'm depressed it goes deeper than that. the only thing that makes me happy is making others happy, for real. if i can't do that or don't have the opportunity to do that i don't see what the fucking point is. i don't care if i'm happy or care enough about myself to put in the work to do the things i know i need to do to be happy in a long term kind of way. i'm still exercising 5-6+ times a week and it is the other main thing that makes me feel happy, amazing really. for the amount of time i am doing it i am not thinking about anything else, and i almost feel like it's aiding in the sadness because during the week it is the only thing i have to look forward to. i'm getting really good at dancing too which feels bad ass and gives me a lot of confidence and strength. i've been getting more into the hip hop style and one of my teachers is kind of like my mentor and it just feels really cool to enjoy something somewhat artistic and see myself getting better and better and improving. i just don't know what the point of all of it is too. i'm too sensitive
i was dating this guy for 3 weeks and he ended up blowing me off this last friday and taking this other girl to our friend's house. last weekend we were there together, dancing, i was sitting on his lap, drunkenly laughing being silly, all the fun things cutesy new people who dig each other do. it's always scary but also so fun and unlike almost any other high there is. who is this person? what can become of this? we hung out all weekend 3 weekends in a row and then boom, nothing. i haven't talked to him and he hasn't contacted me and it's just like what the hell, man. i guess this is what i deserve? and also fuck this guy. it's hard to not take it personally, and also obv this person is a piece of shit with a bad heart. back and forth, back and forth. i remain optimistic and so deeply bitter at the same time. next time i won't be so quick to drop my guard. i haven't been sleeping with people because i don't want to sleep with someone until i know i actually care for them/ have feelings for them (not that sleeping w ppl is wrong or anything i just personally can't handle it because it takes to much out of me, it hurts me when it doesn't work out, i want something more and i know that about myself) but i slept with him and i'm feeling so strongly like i shouldn't have. but what can you do. i just don't understand people, especially when i try so hard to treat people kindly, easy going, with respect, lots of fun, light, simple, that's it. it almost makes me feel like i need to be more of a hardened bitch because guys seem to like that. it's be okay, each day that passes i feel better, it's like the first 3 are the hardest. maybe this place just isn't for me . i'm trying to not take pills but it's not always easy. benzos, man. i lasted almost one week but then my friend gave me her prescription today. why would i not take them when it makes everything so much easier to deal with? that's not necessarily true though because i took 2 peach footballs and i still feel this pressure in my chest. i just wish i felt happy and normal, i really do. fake it til you make it or some bullshit right?
my roommate is moving to eugene, oregon this upcoming summer and i think i really need to go with her
i was dating this guy for 3 weeks and he ended up blowing me off this last friday and taking this other girl to our friend's house. last weekend we were there together, dancing, i was sitting on his lap, drunkenly laughing being silly, all the fun things cutesy new people who dig each other do. it's always scary but also so fun and unlike almost any other high there is. who is this person? what can become of this? we hung out all weekend 3 weekends in a row and then boom, nothing. i haven't talked to him and he hasn't contacted me and it's just like what the hell, man. i guess this is what i deserve? and also fuck this guy. it's hard to not take it personally, and also obv this person is a piece of shit with a bad heart. back and forth, back and forth. i remain optimistic and so deeply bitter at the same time. next time i won't be so quick to drop my guard. i haven't been sleeping with people because i don't want to sleep with someone until i know i actually care for them/ have feelings for them (not that sleeping w ppl is wrong or anything i just personally can't handle it because it takes to much out of me, it hurts me when it doesn't work out, i want something more and i know that about myself) but i slept with him and i'm feeling so strongly like i shouldn't have. but what can you do. i just don't understand people, especially when i try so hard to treat people kindly, easy going, with respect, lots of fun, light, simple, that's it. it almost makes me feel like i need to be more of a hardened bitch because guys seem to like that. it's be okay, each day that passes i feel better, it's like the first 3 are the hardest. maybe this place just isn't for me . i'm trying to not take pills but it's not always easy. benzos, man. i lasted almost one week but then my friend gave me her prescription today. why would i not take them when it makes everything so much easier to deal with? that's not necessarily true though because i took 2 peach footballs and i still feel this pressure in my chest. i just wish i felt happy and normal, i really do. fake it til you make it or some bullshit right?
my roommate is moving to eugene, oregon this upcoming summer and i think i really need to go with her