meal probs
i wish i had a healthier relationship with food. when i'm dieting and doing good i'm still constantly looking up healthy recipes and thinking about it endlessly, obsessing. and if i slip up a little after eating perfectly all day, i dwell so much about it endlessly. or when i'm doing bad i'm constantly reminded by little things, the tug and pull and fit of my boyfriend's sweater, the way it fits me, i should be smaller. how when i run my hand along my hips my pants are a bit snug and it sucks my hips in a little more than it should. how i'm the largest girl at my work or how if the scale hasn't moved i will let it rule my mood.
i think about how i still had all the issues i have now 8 years ago when i was in high school and weighed 40 (!) pounds less than i do now and was perfect that way i think, looking back, and i always felt so big and awful then. it makes me so sad and wish i could kiss my 16 year old forehead and run my hands through my own hair and breathe out, exhaling and finding solace in the fact that i was and am currently a beautiful girl, and let go of all the bullshit and stress of trying to be smaller. it's so stupid and contradictory too because i'll read all this stuff that is so body positive and i'm all about it and feel so strongly towards it, the fact that the people who i think are the most beautiful are those who have the most beautiful energy pouring out of them and around them, and who are confident and happy with themselves, i don't give two shits what the size of their tummy is. and why can't i once and for all just apply that to myself? i am trying i really am. it's just so stupid.
the power the food and my body has over me. and then, i think this is the worst of it, what i will do to try to numb my mind and be calm with it all. i will get drunk on the weekends, whatever, but then i will cycle between bars of xanax and painkillers (less frequently painkillers but i think it's common enough to mention), then take a break of sobriety to allow my brain chemicals to regulate themselves again, (but i will usually use food in this time) and then it kind of just flows in and out of this obsessive endless cycle. i wish i could just be okay and healthy. i've been exercising for 3 weeks now and i feel really good after i exercise, always. i've only been doing it 3 days a week as a start and i'd like to bump it up but i want to establish this first. i'm just so sick of this. i should also mention that anytime i lost weight it was because i was so sick to my stomach over stuff usually dealing with boys or just an icky alone feeling in general. i couldn't eat. my gag reflex would literally activate when i'd try to eat once my body got some food in it and i would lose my appetite. i am very happy with marty. he makes me so happy i just wish i could fix and mend this very large part of who i am. so much wasted time and energy. it really makes me sad. i have the worst anxiety now after writing this and i probably won't be able to calm myself down to sleep until 2am. ugh
i think about how i still had all the issues i have now 8 years ago when i was in high school and weighed 40 (!) pounds less than i do now and was perfect that way i think, looking back, and i always felt so big and awful then. it makes me so sad and wish i could kiss my 16 year old forehead and run my hands through my own hair and breathe out, exhaling and finding solace in the fact that i was and am currently a beautiful girl, and let go of all the bullshit and stress of trying to be smaller. it's so stupid and contradictory too because i'll read all this stuff that is so body positive and i'm all about it and feel so strongly towards it, the fact that the people who i think are the most beautiful are those who have the most beautiful energy pouring out of them and around them, and who are confident and happy with themselves, i don't give two shits what the size of their tummy is. and why can't i once and for all just apply that to myself? i am trying i really am. it's just so stupid.
the power the food and my body has over me. and then, i think this is the worst of it, what i will do to try to numb my mind and be calm with it all. i will get drunk on the weekends, whatever, but then i will cycle between bars of xanax and painkillers (less frequently painkillers but i think it's common enough to mention), then take a break of sobriety to allow my brain chemicals to regulate themselves again, (but i will usually use food in this time) and then it kind of just flows in and out of this obsessive endless cycle. i wish i could just be okay and healthy. i've been exercising for 3 weeks now and i feel really good after i exercise, always. i've only been doing it 3 days a week as a start and i'd like to bump it up but i want to establish this first. i'm just so sick of this. i should also mention that anytime i lost weight it was because i was so sick to my stomach over stuff usually dealing with boys or just an icky alone feeling in general. i couldn't eat. my gag reflex would literally activate when i'd try to eat once my body got some food in it and i would lose my appetite. i am very happy with marty. he makes me so happy i just wish i could fix and mend this very large part of who i am. so much wasted time and energy. it really makes me sad. i have the worst anxiety now after writing this and i probably won't be able to calm myself down to sleep until 2am. ugh