Summer of love?
Spring is here and love is in the air. It has been building for a while or so it seems judging by comments on LJ and conversations with people at work. oldson and angusabranson deserve particular mentions here and good for them I say!
It has made me a little introspective though and has had me thinking about my own situation. It is funny how you can be so sure of something in your heart or head when in fact you are so wrong.
The last couple of months since the break with Christian (and it has only been a couple of months) have been strange. On the one hand I have been quite confident that I am pretty much “over it” and in terms of getting on with my daily living I am. That is mostly due to the fact that I have been living on my own in Glasgow for the last 12 months. I have always been comfortable with my own company and being by myself so the physical separation was never going to be as hard for me I suppose.
Emotionally it is a totally different matter. I liked to think that I was ok in my head and ready to move on, even to the extent of considering other options! I got a few “signals” from someone that I read as signals of interest and I began to consider the possibility of it…
What was I thinking?! I was thinking that this potential opportunity was worth shooting for (cos he is quite a man) even if the timing was a little bad and that with a little bit of determination and effort I would be able to deal with it and make it go well. In hindsight I do think I was reading into it a bit too much and I have misconstrued the whole thing. Part of me “wanting to be wanted” in the aftermath of a self esteem knock. Looking for the validation.
But I really, though, I thought I was ready. I was sure I was fine.
But I really am not. I am sooooo not! J
I am still having my bad days.
Still feeling the loss.
Self esteem still having low days.
Still getting hit with sadness.
This is to be expected though and the reality of it is - it has only been about 10 weeks. That is no time at all and I need to give myself a lot more time. Do not rush on too quickly! I know that seems like the most obvious thing in the world but it is not always as obvious as you might think. Coming to terms with that (or at least acknowledging it) has really lifted a whole lot of tension from me.
And who knows - maybe I did not misread the signals and maybe several months down the line, when the time is right, the potential will still be there. Would be very nice if it was but I am not going to rest hopes on it nor make plans around it.
Too much to do! Too many other things that need my concentration and attention - and one of those things is me.
Of on a week away tomorrow visiting Emily in the south and catching up with as many folk as I can! Go me!