(no subject)
Of course, I am already going to post another blog. This is the third one today. In like, 2 hours? I don't really know how long it has been.
Anyways, I have been thinking. This is something I always seem to think about, 'cause I don't understand. Like, I don't understand millions of other things in my life. And not just my life, but really, life in general.
I don't understand why people don't like me. Like, whenever I go to a new school, no one talks to me or anything. It's like they just want to stay away from. Do I really leave that impression on people? To just stay away? I mean, I am just really shy. I also think that maybe they just find me repulsive and disgusting in some way. Even when I meet new people while hanging out with other friends. It seems like they don't even care that I am there. They just don't seem interested in conversating with me in anyways, whatsoever. I will try and have a conversation with them and they just give short, simple and quick answers. As if they just want me to shut up and quit talking to them.
I always wonder if it really has anything to do with the way I look. I know that I'm not fucking skinny. I had a damn kid! What are other people's reasons for being overweight? Ya know? I mean, damn. I couldn't even fucking walk during my pregnancy. I had placenta previa. I am not going to explain that either. I was just basically told that I was not aloud to walk a lot. And then, I know that I am not even the slightest bit pretty. I just don't find anything attractive about myself. It might be because I don't think anyone else does either. Who would? I mean, there are tons of people who are absolutely fucking gorgeous! I know that models and singers and actresses aren't all super gorgeous, but there is quite a handful that don't even need make-up and they're absolutely flawless. Beautiful. Angelic.
I really believe the way I look, and the way I dress, are the reasons that people find no interest in me. People like to be mean to me. That's all people ever really do. The only people who aren't really mean to me are the people I talk to on the internet. I don't know why. When people meet me in person for the first time, or for the first time in awhile, they just don't seem to give a shit. it's like I'm not even there. Especially at school. I am so ignored at school. My math teacher always thinks that I'm not in the classroom. Even if she looks at me like 5 times during that period before taking the attendance. It's like I am the most non-existant person that has ever existed.
I can't stand high school Everyone always continues to say that these are the best years of my life. I think they're full of some bullshit. I hate it. I hate going. Not just because of homework, but because you are suppose to be having fun, too. Being silly and goofy and hanging with your friends and having some kind of experience that you would regret if you chose to not go through it. I walk around 8 times a day not saying a word to anyone. I feel lucky if someone speaks to me. I always think that they're just bored and that everyone is already in a conversation that you can't jump in, so they find me as a last resort to speak with. And lunch sucks, too. The only thing I do during lunch is listen to these two girls blab on and on about stupid shit. Like, whose ass this one chick is going to beat. How much certain people just talk shit, which is exactly what they're doing theirselves. Exactly what I am doing right now. That is my lunch period. I have no funny stories of my own with my friends. No funny memories to recall that were with friends.
I have been to two different schools just this fucking year. I can't believe I even chose to go. I feel like it is the worst mistake of my life. It really has been. I went to Bruceton for the majority of the semester. No one really seemed to care that I was there. A lot of people didn't seem to want to know me. I feel like they looked at me like I was some gross thing that just wound up in their school. The one person who I actually, seriously dated there hurt me. I sometimes wonder what I saw in her, too. I don't understand how all of that happened. I actually don't remember quite a bit of that. I was also failing all my classes. All of them. I couldn't do my math at all. I hardly ever did my math. Nothing in that school was working for me. Not to mention that it's on block schedule, which I can't stand. I hate sitting there for almost 2 hours in the classroom. It's different than sitting on the computer for two hours. I don't know why, but it just is.
And going back to my hometown's school seems stupid. I don't know what I was thinking when I made that decision. Not very many people even remember who I am. People in my math class are mean and stupid. I can't stand my English teacher. I don't think she even likes that I wound up in that class. No one at all talks to me in there. Let's see, Homeroom, I just try to lay my head down for 15 minutes, wating for the bell to ring to go to English. Biology, I am pretty much by myself in there, too. I usually lay my head down and try to fall alseep. Many failed attepts at that. Or I just read from one of the 3 books I am reading at the time. I talk some in Child Development; Sometimes laugh in there, too. World History, I guess it's okay. I talk sometimes in there, too, but I am usually just quiet and to myself.
I just don't even know. I got a Truth Box Comment on MySpace one day and someone said that I was stuck-up and then another person said that I need to stop trying to act bad ass and cool or something. I don't think I am stuck-up at all. If that is a reason why people don't talk to me, then they're really stupid. I am far from being that. I am just quiet, 'cause I don't think anyone cares that I exist. I feel like I am useless and worthless. Which is another thing that was left in my truth box. I also don't think that I am some bad bitch either. I just know that I could handle myself if it came to violence or something. I am really not afraid of anyone who would want to fight. As long as it was a fair fight of course. You know? Why bring weapons into something. The only people who do that are the people who can't defend theirselves. I also think I am far from cool, if you can't already tell that.
Gosh, thinking about all of what I just typed reminds me of that Megan girl who committed suicide 'cause of the shit people have said to her online, and in the "real" world. It just makes me wonder if that is going to be my life. I always seem to wonder if I am like some sort of twin to her or something. I mean, she was overweight, but she didn't have a baby, but still. People at school were mean to her, and she had some friends. Which also sounds like me. She also loved a variety of muisc, again, like myself. I don't want my life to come down to that. I mean, I would do anything for people just to like me, respect me and just love me as a person. I don't see that ever happening. I try to be positive about things, but like Megan, I am weak, too. I don't know how much more of the pressure of all this shit I can take.
I do know that if I was not scared of death, that I more than likely would not be here today. I would have been long gone years ago, really. I hate being unhappy, I really do. I feel like there is nothing I can do. There is so much that I want to be. I want to look different. I want everything about my appearance to change and I feel like there is nothing I can really do to make myself happy. I just feel like if I was smaller and prettier then people would actually care that I am here, that I am actually alive and that I was actually created with some kind of purpose. I just wish people could see that even though I'm not all these great things that I am a person worth talking to, a person worth listening to, having fun with, taking goofy-ass pictures with. I just feel like I am nothing to everyone. And I want to be something to everyone. I want to be some kind of person people look at and want to chill with. I just don't ever see that happening to me.
I see myself as being the loser who graduates high school and never does anything great with her life. The person who has no talent in anything. The person who barely passed high school and can never get into college or ever be famous. I just feel like I some kind of loser who is going to get older and just drink and smoke weed or something and then just burn out and fucking fade away like I was just erased from the world. That's more than likely what I am. I am just another burn-out loser from a small town.
Anyways, I have been thinking. This is something I always seem to think about, 'cause I don't understand. Like, I don't understand millions of other things in my life. And not just my life, but really, life in general.
I don't understand why people don't like me. Like, whenever I go to a new school, no one talks to me or anything. It's like they just want to stay away from. Do I really leave that impression on people? To just stay away? I mean, I am just really shy. I also think that maybe they just find me repulsive and disgusting in some way. Even when I meet new people while hanging out with other friends. It seems like they don't even care that I am there. They just don't seem interested in conversating with me in anyways, whatsoever. I will try and have a conversation with them and they just give short, simple and quick answers. As if they just want me to shut up and quit talking to them.
I always wonder if it really has anything to do with the way I look. I know that I'm not fucking skinny. I had a damn kid! What are other people's reasons for being overweight? Ya know? I mean, damn. I couldn't even fucking walk during my pregnancy. I had placenta previa. I am not going to explain that either. I was just basically told that I was not aloud to walk a lot. And then, I know that I am not even the slightest bit pretty. I just don't find anything attractive about myself. It might be because I don't think anyone else does either. Who would? I mean, there are tons of people who are absolutely fucking gorgeous! I know that models and singers and actresses aren't all super gorgeous, but there is quite a handful that don't even need make-up and they're absolutely flawless. Beautiful. Angelic.
I really believe the way I look, and the way I dress, are the reasons that people find no interest in me. People like to be mean to me. That's all people ever really do. The only people who aren't really mean to me are the people I talk to on the internet. I don't know why. When people meet me in person for the first time, or for the first time in awhile, they just don't seem to give a shit. it's like I'm not even there. Especially at school. I am so ignored at school. My math teacher always thinks that I'm not in the classroom. Even if she looks at me like 5 times during that period before taking the attendance. It's like I am the most non-existant person that has ever existed.
I can't stand high school Everyone always continues to say that these are the best years of my life. I think they're full of some bullshit. I hate it. I hate going. Not just because of homework, but because you are suppose to be having fun, too. Being silly and goofy and hanging with your friends and having some kind of experience that you would regret if you chose to not go through it. I walk around 8 times a day not saying a word to anyone. I feel lucky if someone speaks to me. I always think that they're just bored and that everyone is already in a conversation that you can't jump in, so they find me as a last resort to speak with. And lunch sucks, too. The only thing I do during lunch is listen to these two girls blab on and on about stupid shit. Like, whose ass this one chick is going to beat. How much certain people just talk shit, which is exactly what they're doing theirselves. Exactly what I am doing right now. That is my lunch period. I have no funny stories of my own with my friends. No funny memories to recall that were with friends.
I have been to two different schools just this fucking year. I can't believe I even chose to go. I feel like it is the worst mistake of my life. It really has been. I went to Bruceton for the majority of the semester. No one really seemed to care that I was there. A lot of people didn't seem to want to know me. I feel like they looked at me like I was some gross thing that just wound up in their school. The one person who I actually, seriously dated there hurt me. I sometimes wonder what I saw in her, too. I don't understand how all of that happened. I actually don't remember quite a bit of that. I was also failing all my classes. All of them. I couldn't do my math at all. I hardly ever did my math. Nothing in that school was working for me. Not to mention that it's on block schedule, which I can't stand. I hate sitting there for almost 2 hours in the classroom. It's different than sitting on the computer for two hours. I don't know why, but it just is.
And going back to my hometown's school seems stupid. I don't know what I was thinking when I made that decision. Not very many people even remember who I am. People in my math class are mean and stupid. I can't stand my English teacher. I don't think she even likes that I wound up in that class. No one at all talks to me in there. Let's see, Homeroom, I just try to lay my head down for 15 minutes, wating for the bell to ring to go to English. Biology, I am pretty much by myself in there, too. I usually lay my head down and try to fall alseep. Many failed attepts at that. Or I just read from one of the 3 books I am reading at the time. I talk some in Child Development; Sometimes laugh in there, too. World History, I guess it's okay. I talk sometimes in there, too, but I am usually just quiet and to myself.
I just don't even know. I got a Truth Box Comment on MySpace one day and someone said that I was stuck-up and then another person said that I need to stop trying to act bad ass and cool or something. I don't think I am stuck-up at all. If that is a reason why people don't talk to me, then they're really stupid. I am far from being that. I am just quiet, 'cause I don't think anyone cares that I exist. I feel like I am useless and worthless. Which is another thing that was left in my truth box. I also don't think that I am some bad bitch either. I just know that I could handle myself if it came to violence or something. I am really not afraid of anyone who would want to fight. As long as it was a fair fight of course. You know? Why bring weapons into something. The only people who do that are the people who can't defend theirselves. I also think I am far from cool, if you can't already tell that.
Gosh, thinking about all of what I just typed reminds me of that Megan girl who committed suicide 'cause of the shit people have said to her online, and in the "real" world. It just makes me wonder if that is going to be my life. I always seem to wonder if I am like some sort of twin to her or something. I mean, she was overweight, but she didn't have a baby, but still. People at school were mean to her, and she had some friends. Which also sounds like me. She also loved a variety of muisc, again, like myself. I don't want my life to come down to that. I mean, I would do anything for people just to like me, respect me and just love me as a person. I don't see that ever happening. I try to be positive about things, but like Megan, I am weak, too. I don't know how much more of the pressure of all this shit I can take.
I do know that if I was not scared of death, that I more than likely would not be here today. I would have been long gone years ago, really. I hate being unhappy, I really do. I feel like there is nothing I can do. There is so much that I want to be. I want to look different. I want everything about my appearance to change and I feel like there is nothing I can really do to make myself happy. I just feel like if I was smaller and prettier then people would actually care that I am here, that I am actually alive and that I was actually created with some kind of purpose. I just wish people could see that even though I'm not all these great things that I am a person worth talking to, a person worth listening to, having fun with, taking goofy-ass pictures with. I just feel like I am nothing to everyone. And I want to be something to everyone. I want to be some kind of person people look at and want to chill with. I just don't ever see that happening to me.
I see myself as being the loser who graduates high school and never does anything great with her life. The person who has no talent in anything. The person who barely passed high school and can never get into college or ever be famous. I just feel like I some kind of loser who is going to get older and just drink and smoke weed or something and then just burn out and fucking fade away like I was just erased from the world. That's more than likely what I am. I am just another burn-out loser from a small town.