redefining normal....my 4:16 a.m. take on life
i'm at the best/ worst point ive ever been at in my entire life. it's actually the best, but becuase it's so difficult, at times it can feel like the worst.
i'm finally getting closure on my past. i'm finally letting myself be a normal person. i think i just really had to redefine normal. normal is not consistantly plastering a fake smile on your face and disregarding painful emotions. normal is not living in a constant state of polarized thinking, switching from one extreme of happy all the time to self-depricating victimization of life itself. normal is letting life happen, naturally. normal is letting yourself experience emotions, both good and bad, and channeling those emotions the right way. it's being ok with feeling sad, and not constantly feeling the need to play the happy, ditzy blonde girl. it's making the insides match the outsides, and projecting an image that reflects who you truely are, at the core of your being. it's being ok with not having all the answers, with saying "i don't know" if thats the truth. living life the way it was meant to be lived will bring you all the answers you need. yes, there are some questions that will be left unanswered forever, but accepting that, and moving on will make you not only stronger, but more aware of whats really important. theres a lesson to be learned from every situation.
life is all about balance. finding the gray area. trusting people, but still being cautious. being independant but still being ok with asking for help. being mindful of your emotions but not letting yourself be consumed by them. not absolving yourself of all responsibility, but at the same time, accepting the things that are outside your control. i never realized how applicable the serenity prayer was until recently. the only way to find the gray is to stop fighting reality and let things happen naturally.
control has always been one of my major issues. and i still to this day have difficulty acknowledging, accepting and admitting when things are outside of my control. but to some extent, so does everyone, i believe. we're not god. no matter how self-aware and reflective we are, we still are not completely aware and accepting of our limitations. but i do know this- i have no control over what people think of me other than making sure i stay true to myself and project an image that is honest and reflects the real ebie. the ebie that i am just starting to figure out. what they do with that image, where and how and why they chose to store that information is completely out of my hands. i just have to make sure the information is correct. i also realize i can't change the past. but i can take the lessons ive learned and apply them to my life now. ive spent way too much time beating myself up for things, some of which weren't even in my control. i've spent too much time hating myself, hating life, and wallowing in self-depricating pity. i deserve better than that. i got to where i am today (both in a good and bad way) by the choices that i have made. yes sometimes i've been dealt shitty cards but i chose to play them poorly. but now i have a new stratagy. now i try to live life one day at a time. one second at a time. and try not to take life, or myself, too seriously. life is incredibly too short for that. and i try to not only accept, but also like myself. becuase i believe i should.
i'm not there yet. but im a hell of a lot closer than i have ever been.
i'm finally getting closure on my past. i'm finally letting myself be a normal person. i think i just really had to redefine normal. normal is not consistantly plastering a fake smile on your face and disregarding painful emotions. normal is not living in a constant state of polarized thinking, switching from one extreme of happy all the time to self-depricating victimization of life itself. normal is letting life happen, naturally. normal is letting yourself experience emotions, both good and bad, and channeling those emotions the right way. it's being ok with feeling sad, and not constantly feeling the need to play the happy, ditzy blonde girl. it's making the insides match the outsides, and projecting an image that reflects who you truely are, at the core of your being. it's being ok with not having all the answers, with saying "i don't know" if thats the truth. living life the way it was meant to be lived will bring you all the answers you need. yes, there are some questions that will be left unanswered forever, but accepting that, and moving on will make you not only stronger, but more aware of whats really important. theres a lesson to be learned from every situation.
life is all about balance. finding the gray area. trusting people, but still being cautious. being independant but still being ok with asking for help. being mindful of your emotions but not letting yourself be consumed by them. not absolving yourself of all responsibility, but at the same time, accepting the things that are outside your control. i never realized how applicable the serenity prayer was until recently. the only way to find the gray is to stop fighting reality and let things happen naturally.
control has always been one of my major issues. and i still to this day have difficulty acknowledging, accepting and admitting when things are outside of my control. but to some extent, so does everyone, i believe. we're not god. no matter how self-aware and reflective we are, we still are not completely aware and accepting of our limitations. but i do know this- i have no control over what people think of me other than making sure i stay true to myself and project an image that is honest and reflects the real ebie. the ebie that i am just starting to figure out. what they do with that image, where and how and why they chose to store that information is completely out of my hands. i just have to make sure the information is correct. i also realize i can't change the past. but i can take the lessons ive learned and apply them to my life now. ive spent way too much time beating myself up for things, some of which weren't even in my control. i've spent too much time hating myself, hating life, and wallowing in self-depricating pity. i deserve better than that. i got to where i am today (both in a good and bad way) by the choices that i have made. yes sometimes i've been dealt shitty cards but i chose to play them poorly. but now i have a new stratagy. now i try to live life one day at a time. one second at a time. and try not to take life, or myself, too seriously. life is incredibly too short for that. and i try to not only accept, but also like myself. becuase i believe i should.
i'm not there yet. but im a hell of a lot closer than i have ever been.