Insecurities
It's nearly midnight and I can't spend the time updating this like I want to. Hadn't realized two months had gone by already. Things are great with Andrew and I - we're moving into a rental house this Saturday - so I'm crazy stressed of course...
Which perhaps is the point of this post. For over a week now I've been suffering from crazy low self-esteem. I try to smother it down as best I can each day but I can't go 24 hours without having a negative thought acknowledging to myself how ugly I am and that ultimately translates to fear of doing anything wrong or being myself around Andrew in case he gets bored with me and doesn't want to stick around because I'm not attractive enough to compensate. ... This is all a bad fantasy playing out up in my head. Andrew is very verbal about his love for me.
And I'm sure the stress of the reality that I'm moving into a place with a man I'm in a relationship with is playing a lot into this. This is real and it's a big step - one neither of us has ever taken before. What if it all goes horribly wrong and we're stuck in a year lease? What if he loses attraction for me?
Again - though we're having sex a little less right now from the stress and busy schedules... Some of the intense glow has finally softened in our relationship - I know that the foundation we have is solid. My fears are unfounded... But that doesn't make them easier to get rid of. All my life I've believed that I'm not attractive. My past relationship only helped to magnify those doubts and fears. Andrew doesn't do anything to make me feel unattractive. I do that all by myself now.
Bleh - it's late - I don't want a lecture or solution - I'm aware of the craziness of these emotions... I just needed to "say them aloud" again and vent some.