(no subject)
Today Katie and I saw a poster of a bald woman and I started telling her about the evolution of Hannah Shickley's hair.
I told her how at first she dyed it, and then she started wearing wigs over it- like the blonde one she stole from Tower Hill that she wore in Stage Door. And then one day she came in with a new short black wig that we all loved and she whipped it off... and she had shaved her head COMPLETELY BALD. Then I told Katie how Han was entirely bald for awhile, but then her hair grew in,short, spiky, and red. And then I told her that the last time I saw Han she had dyed it black and shaved it into a giant mohawk.
Then I said, really casually, "And when she was in the casket, she was wearing that short black wig that she wore at prom and graduation." Like I was okay with it. Like seeing one of my best friends in a casket with her favorite wig on was alright with me.
It could not be further from alright. I could not be further from alright. To try to explain to you how I feel would be ridiculous. It would be obscene to fit all of it, to fit the entirety of this huge, endless THING into words. I feel empty. Does that make sense? I don't know what to do from here or where to go. I've said some things, made some valiant efforts to move forward and be positive. I've said things like how I'm not worried about Han because I know that no matter where she is, that bitch is totally partying it up, having a great time, humping the shit out of that Kurt Cobain. I've said that I'm going to change my life because I want to be more like Hannah. That girl had a capacity for love that I've never seen in another human being. She gave her love away so freely and never expected anything in return. She just loved, wildly, inappropriately, ridiculously...and I want to do that. I want part of her to be alive in me. I want to love the way she loved.
I've said all of these things, and I've MEANT them, I really have. But what I haven't said is that I wish I was dead myself. What I haven't said is that this is getting harder instead of easier. What I havent said is that I MISS HER. What I haven't said is that her parents, her boyfriend, her Gabe...all break my heart.
It helps to know how much she cared about me. If you don't know Hannah it's hard to explain- she was elusive. I knew she cared, but it wasn't because I saw that much of her once we graduated. After graduation I saw her 6 times. I counted. It's come to that. For Han, that's a lot- She's just hard to pin down. But her boyfriend, Greg, brought all of the pictures back from her apartment and sent them to us on the internet and she had so many of me and of our friends at T. Hill and it just felt good to know that even though I couldn't see her that much, I was there. When Greg gave the eulogy, he said how people had a hard time understanding Hannah but that a few did, and that she valued them beyond belief. He mentioned names- and he said my name. He said probably about five people, and I was one of them. And it sounds stupid but it means SO MUCH...I've only hung out with Greg maybe twice...so to know that she talked that much about me...it means something. It means she loved me like I loved her. Like I love her. Cause, see, that girl changed my life, but I know for her that wasn't exceptional. She was constantly changing people's lives and it wasn't a big thing to her...so to know that somehow I changed her as well is priceless.
I don't have much more to say. I wish I had the memory card here so I could put up the quote from Romeo and Juliet that was on it. It was absolutely perfect. I'll put it up another time. I just love her. I think that's all I can say. I see her everywhere. I don't think that's ever going to go away. I hope it doesn't.
I told her how at first she dyed it, and then she started wearing wigs over it- like the blonde one she stole from Tower Hill that she wore in Stage Door. And then one day she came in with a new short black wig that we all loved and she whipped it off... and she had shaved her head COMPLETELY BALD. Then I told Katie how Han was entirely bald for awhile, but then her hair grew in,short, spiky, and red. And then I told her that the last time I saw Han she had dyed it black and shaved it into a giant mohawk.
Then I said, really casually, "And when she was in the casket, she was wearing that short black wig that she wore at prom and graduation." Like I was okay with it. Like seeing one of my best friends in a casket with her favorite wig on was alright with me.
It could not be further from alright. I could not be further from alright. To try to explain to you how I feel would be ridiculous. It would be obscene to fit all of it, to fit the entirety of this huge, endless THING into words. I feel empty. Does that make sense? I don't know what to do from here or where to go. I've said some things, made some valiant efforts to move forward and be positive. I've said things like how I'm not worried about Han because I know that no matter where she is, that bitch is totally partying it up, having a great time, humping the shit out of that Kurt Cobain. I've said that I'm going to change my life because I want to be more like Hannah. That girl had a capacity for love that I've never seen in another human being. She gave her love away so freely and never expected anything in return. She just loved, wildly, inappropriately, ridiculously...and I want to do that. I want part of her to be alive in me. I want to love the way she loved.
I've said all of these things, and I've MEANT them, I really have. But what I haven't said is that I wish I was dead myself. What I haven't said is that this is getting harder instead of easier. What I havent said is that I MISS HER. What I haven't said is that her parents, her boyfriend, her Gabe...all break my heart.
It helps to know how much she cared about me. If you don't know Hannah it's hard to explain- she was elusive. I knew she cared, but it wasn't because I saw that much of her once we graduated. After graduation I saw her 6 times. I counted. It's come to that. For Han, that's a lot- She's just hard to pin down. But her boyfriend, Greg, brought all of the pictures back from her apartment and sent them to us on the internet and she had so many of me and of our friends at T. Hill and it just felt good to know that even though I couldn't see her that much, I was there. When Greg gave the eulogy, he said how people had a hard time understanding Hannah but that a few did, and that she valued them beyond belief. He mentioned names- and he said my name. He said probably about five people, and I was one of them. And it sounds stupid but it means SO MUCH...I've only hung out with Greg maybe twice...so to know that she talked that much about me...it means something. It means she loved me like I loved her. Like I love her. Cause, see, that girl changed my life, but I know for her that wasn't exceptional. She was constantly changing people's lives and it wasn't a big thing to her...so to know that somehow I changed her as well is priceless.
I don't have much more to say. I wish I had the memory card here so I could put up the quote from Romeo and Juliet that was on it. It was absolutely perfect. I'll put it up another time. I just love her. I think that's all I can say. I see her everywhere. I don't think that's ever going to go away. I hope it doesn't.