(no subject)
It was four long years ago. I was such a different person. I was more outgoing. But I was so scrubby. Yes, I was clean, but I felt the need to sport my brother's hand-me-downs (heinously tomboyish was I) and big shirts. I was seated at my own little table with a few of my closer friends at lunch. "Who is that I wonder?" I thought to myself. I still remember he was wearing a black Nike sweatshirt. I found little details out about him even relatively recently, without intentionally stalking him. Through some course of events there was a "Yeah, he lives behind me and he's blahdy blah blah and has a cat named blah..." or a question of screen names. "It's such-and-such...no problem..." or also "Oh you like him? He blah blah blah..." Over these few years, I've retained all these tidbits of info, occasionally leaving the screen name on my buddy list. My neighbor even took me to that neighborhood to trick-or-treat way back but I couldn't. Too shy. I went to basketball games...I mean he was cute...free chance to see an adorable guy, right? It's not like I was crazy, hiding under his window or something. THAT would be weird. I sometimes glance down that street if I drive by it. I've hoped to be in classes with him past years, and once was when I switched out of one and into another-I was for visual art, not so much the musical in school. But that's most of what I remember. Oh and my friend had some webpage based on the screen name so I plugged his in, thus discovering a new web page as well.
But today, there was a moment where I had typed a message to that name. I debated forever-what if he asked how I got the name and one thing led to another? He'd surely think I actually stalked him. I let the pointer hover over the "Send" button, then the button to close the window, and back and forth. I asked him out 4 years ago, one of the hardest things for me to do. He was intimidatingly good looking and I wanted to get to know him. He was older though...I felt the need to make myself look a bit better, intellect-wise. Perhaps I just sounded dumb, maybe cocky-not my intent. I wrote him a note...or two. He never answered. I was sitting here thinking to myself, "Where's the closure in that?" Then it dawned on me.
The answer was pretty clear. And I've never put myself on the line like that again. After all...why would I?
But today, there was a moment where I had typed a message to that name. I debated forever-what if he asked how I got the name and one thing led to another? He'd surely think I actually stalked him. I let the pointer hover over the "Send" button, then the button to close the window, and back and forth. I asked him out 4 years ago, one of the hardest things for me to do. He was intimidatingly good looking and I wanted to get to know him. He was older though...I felt the need to make myself look a bit better, intellect-wise. Perhaps I just sounded dumb, maybe cocky-not my intent. I wrote him a note...or two. He never answered. I was sitting here thinking to myself, "Where's the closure in that?" Then it dawned on me.
The answer was pretty clear. And I've never put myself on the line like that again. After all...why would I?