WitB Fic: Love, Obviously
Title: Love, Obviously
Character/s: Tony Hill, unnamed therapist. Alex/Tony.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Post-series. Touches on events of 6.01 'The Dead Land'.
Word Count: 2,800
Disclaimer: I don’t own Tony. If I did, he would be much more fashionably dressed.
Summary: Tony has a typically self-deprecating and wordy session with his long-suffering shrink.
Author’s Note: This is pretty fluffy. And it's also nothing but dialogue. It is a therapy session, after all.
"I've got a problem with Alex."
"Alex? I thought you were getting along well?"
"We are, we do. That's the problem. I think... I think I might be just a little bit in love with her."
"And... that's a problem?"
"Well, it makes things much more complex."
"How so?"
"Well, aside from the fact that we work together and it's probably not allowed..."
"Aside from that?"
"Err... other than that obvious problem.... I care about Alex. And about Ben. And I wouldn't want to make their lives more complicated."
"Do you think that's all you have to offer them? Complication?"
"I... no, well... what do you mean?"
"Well, Tony, say you were to get into a relationship with Alex. What would you bring to the table? Aside from complication?"
"Err... well, love, obviously."
"Security?"
"I suppose so. I don't think I'd ever... do anything to jeopardise the relationship."
"You wouldn't have an affair?"
"No! No, I don't think I would. That's what Alex's ex did, among other things."
"So you would offer love and loyalty, anything else?"
"Like what?"
"Well, would you be romantic? Buy her flowers, things like that?"
"Yes, I suppose so. Are flowers important?"
"Maybe. I've never met Alex, I can't quite say."
"Hmmm. She likes peonies, I think. She's always got them around the house. Maybe I should buy her some peonies-"
"Tony."
"What? Oh, yes?"
"Is there anything else you think you would bring to a relationship with Alex, were you to commence one?"
"Well..."
"What about her son, Ben?"
"Ummm... I think Ben would like having me around. I mean, he might resent that I'm not his father, but he's quite level-headed. I could help him with his homework...?"
"Yes, I'd imagine you'd be quite good at that."
"I could help with organising things, picking him up from school and things like that."
"Do you think you would become a good role model for Ben?"
"God, I hope not."
"Really?"
"No, not really. I just... I'm not the best example of testosterone at work, you see. I'm not very good at... manly pursuits..."
"You follow football, don't you? I would consider that a manly pursuit."
"Yeah, I suppose. But I couldn't give him tips on picking up girls, for example."
"How old is Ben?"
"Seven."
"So... that particular skill probably wouldn't be necessary for a few years yet."
"No, I suppose not."
"You enjoy spending time with Ben?"
Yes, absolutely! He's a great kid."
"And you enjoy spending time with both of them, with Ben and Alex?"
"Yes, I do. I really do."
"How do you feel, when you are at Alex's house, for example?"
"Safe. Happy. Comfortable. Wanted."
"Loved?"
"Yes. I think so. It feels like... like how a family should feel. Warm and cosy and happy and easy. I feel like I belong."
"Do you think those feelings would change, if you and Alex began a romantic relationship?"
"I'd hope not."
"So you would have a lot to gain from such a relationship?"
"Yes, I suppose I would."
"And you would have a lot of positive things to offer both Alex and Ben?"
"Yes. Yes, I would."
"Yet... you have reservations."
"It's just..."
"Do you feel that if the romantic relationship were to end, you would lose all those things you have now? Friendship, companionship? Comfort?"
"Yes, but... I don't think the relationship would end."
"Why do you think that?"
"Because... I don't get into relationships lightly. I don't really get into relationships at all, come to think of it. Because I doubt I would fall out of love with Alex. And with Ben. Because... if something bad did happen, I would fight, with everything I've got, to keep the relationship together. I wouldn't give up."
"Do you think Alex's ex-husband gave up?"
"He must have. They got divorced, after all. If Ben was my son, if Alex was my wife... I wouldn't cheat on them. I wouldn't give up. I wouldn't let them go."
"You feel quite strongly about it."
"Yes, I do, I suppose. Alex is... she's amazing. She's brilliant, she's intelligent, insightful, surprising, witty, funny. She's committed to her job and her son. She's loyal. She's supportive and caring and kind. She deserves to be loved by someone who would never want to hurt her. By someone who appreciates how wonderful she is."
"Someone like you?"
"Oh, God. I don't know. I don't know if I'm good enough for Alex. I'm... clumsy and socially awkward and... Consumed with my work."
"With the work you share with Alex."
"Yes."
"Go on."
"I'm prone to depression. I talk to myself. I had a brain tumour, so I don't necessarily have the best genes going..."
"Would you say Alex is aware of those qualities in you? The ones you perceive as negative?"
"Does she know I talk to myself? Oh, yes, she does indeed."
"And she knows you have uncertainties, in social situations?"
"Oh, yes, she definitely knows about that."
"And that you are prone to depression and obsessiveness?"
"Yes. I think so."
"And would you say that, despite these perceived flaws, Alex remains your friend? That perhaps she feels close to you even because of these characteristics that are uniquely yours?"
"Does she like me because I'm a nutter?"
"Does she like you because you are unlike other men she knows. Because you think differently to other men, perhaps?"
"I don't know."
"Do you think Alex perhaps appreciates all the ways you are dissimilar to her ex-husband?"
"Oh, right. Probably."
"Alright. Given that, why do you think becoming involved in a romantic relationship would change the way she feels about those qualities she values in you?"
"Err... I don't know. Perhaps they would be magnified? More obvious? And hence, more likely to be annoying?"
"Does Alex get annoyed with you often?"
"Not often, not anymore. Maybe occasionally. She's actually remarkably patient. More patient than Carol."
"Carol Jordan?"
"Yes, Carol. Funny how she comes up."
"You seem concerned, Tony."
"Well..."
"Do you feel uncomfortable talking about Carol and Alex at the same time?"
"No, it's not that..."
"Can you elaborate?"
"It's just... I worry..."
"About?"
"About... what if my feelings for Alex are just my feelings for Carol, transferred? I've had no closure with Carol, and I jumped right into friendship with Alex. She stepped right into Carol's place, at work, in my life. What if I only care about Alex because to me, she's a replacement for Carol?"
"How long have you known Alex?"
"Three years."
"And how long did you and Carol work together?"
"Three years."
"Right. Have you ever tried to contact Carol?"
"Well, after she left I left about two dozen messages on her phone."
"But after that? During the three years since?"
"No..."
"But you know approximately where she is?"
"Johannesburg."
"Working with the South African police."
"As far as I know. She was three years ago. She just up and left. Without a word."
"And you feel resentful?"
"I do.. But... not as resentful as I probably should, given we were best friends. She was my emergency contact, you know, on my hospital records. But she couldn't even say goodbye."
"Do you think you would have coped so well with her leaving if Alex hadn't replaced her? If you hadn't formed such a strong friendship with Alex?"
"No. I'd be miserable."
"But you're not miserable."
"No, I'm fine. All things considered, I think I'm doing extremely well. Considering I was nearly murdered six months ago."
"I agree. Do you think you need some form of closure with Carol?"
"I haven't thought about it. Perhaps. But I'm not angry with her. I'm a bit offended, but I'm not angry. I can see why she left. I just wish she'd said goodbye."
"It does seem somewhat... cold."
"Yes, it was. I'm not sure it was intended to be, but that's how it seemed. How it felt. Uncaring. I knew... I knew all along Carol wasn't good with emotional stuff, worse than me, even. But I wouldn't have left without saying goodbye. Without trying to explain. It would've been hard, but I would've tried."
"And Carol didn't."
"No."
"Do you think Alex would leave, without saying goodbye? If she felt overwhelmed by... the intensity of the relationship?"
"No. No, Alex wouldn't do that. She isn't like that... she's not afraid of emotion, she couldn't be a mother if she was. A good mother, anyway. She might... she might have trouble asking for help, when she needs it, but I don't think she has trouble demonstrating that she cares about people. She's kind. She's nurturing. Quite maternal. It comes across, with everyone... with victims, with her subordinates, with Ben."
"With you?"
"Yes. Yes, with me."
"Can you think of a way in which she demonstrates her care for you?"
"Every day. She... straightens my collar if it's messy. She brushes fluff off of my jacket. She always asks me how I am, no matter how rushed or important a case is. She calls me, for no reason. She listens, she takes my advice. She lets me get drunk and fall asleep at her kitchen table, and when I wake up she's put a blanket round my shoulders and a pillow under my head. She's always asking me round for supper, because she thinks I only ever eat microwave dinners. She's so caring. It's funny, because she's so tough, doing her job. She's like Carol, in that respect. But Carol never cooked for me. I don't think she ever cooked at all. She was as bad as me with take-away."
"So... would you say Alex possesses a lot of qualities which complement yours? While Carol was more similar to you?"
"Yeah. I never thought of that. But yes. Even at work, Alex isn't like Carol. She's... softer, almost. Gentler. Even when she's angry it's always because of something, fighting for the victim, or against an injustice. She's not angry and aggressive with suspects just for the sake of it. Carol was. I think Carol was angry about a lot of things."
"So Alex and Carol have very different personalities?"
"I think so."
"So it's not likely that, if you had merely transferred your feelings for Carol onto Alex, that would've been able to form and sustain a successful relationship?"
"Well, no... I suppose it wouldn't have worked."
"So, from that, is it possible to gather that your relationship with Alex is different to the relationship you had with Carol?"
"Yes."
"What do you think would happen, if Carol came back to Bradfield now? Tony?"
"I think it would be like two cyclones colliding, to be honest."
"What if you had to choose, between working with Carol or working with Alex?"
"I don't know if I could."
"Do you think your personality has changed, has evolved, from the time you were close to Carol?"
"Do you?"
"You're asking my opinion?"
"Why not? You've been my shrink pretty much the whole time."
"Well, then, Tony, I think you're calmer. Less volatile. I think you are enjoying your life more; you seem to enjoy teaching, you're connecting with your students, while the cases you work are horrific you often have favourable outcomes. You do look a little better-fed, to be honest."
"You mean I'm fatter."
"Not at all. You look like you've had a few less nights drinking Scotch than you used to."
"Yeah, now I drink chocolate milk."
"I'm sorry?"
"With Ben, he loves chocolate milk."
"Right. Well, health-wise, I would say chocolate milk is a better option."
"Do you think I'm happier?"
"I don't think I can answer that, Tony. Can you?"
"I feel.... I feel less precarious. I feel quite... stable. I feel like I can work these cases with the police and do my teaching and writing and everything seems to fit quite well. I don't think I used to be as balanced."
"I agree."
"So you think Alex is a positive influence?"
"I'm only saying that I think her nurturing qualities have been beneficial."
"Yeah. I think you're right."
"I don't think you should be concerned about your feelings for Alex being insubstantial."
"No, they're not. It's almost... when she's upset, I can feel it. It hurts. I hurt too, when she does."
"Perhaps her empathic skills have rubbed off on you?"
"Perhaps."
"Can we go back to your original concern? Your romantic feelings toward Alex?"
"Oh, if we must."
"Do you have sexual feelings for Alex?"
"Oh, God."
"If you don't think it's important, Tony, we can move on-"
"No, no, you're right, as usual. Sex is important."
"I would say it is."
"Ahh... do I want to sleep with Alex? Well... I think she's beautiful. She's stunning, actually. She's quite exotic-looking, actually. She's grown her hair, it's quite long now. And I think it's a lighter colour. It suits her. She's very... warm-looking. In fact... she's almost the exact opposite of Carol. She's short and Carol was quite tall. She's very warm and Carol was... pale. Pale and blonde and cool-looking. Carol was very thin, Alex is more feminine. She's got the most fantastic legs. Sorry, I shouldn't say that."
"Why not?"
"Because... she's my friend, my colleague."
"Do you think to desire someone sexually is to lose respect for them, Tony?"
"No! No, I don't think that. I just... well, I suppose respect is involved, then. I wouldn't want Alex to think I didn't respect her. Because I do. I have so much respect for her. I admire her, very much. And I do desire her. Can I reconcile the two?"
"I suppose that's the issue at hand, isn't it, Tony? Can you develop a meaningful, romantic relationship with Alex without compromising your working relationship, your friendship, which you obviously value very much?"
"Yes. That's it. Exactly. So..."
"So?"
"So, can I?"
"I don't know, Tony. Do you think you can?"
"I'm not very good at relationships."
"Do you think it would be easier or more difficult to build a relationship upon an existing friendship?"
"I don't know. We know each other. We get along. We understand each other. She's obviously already aware of my more irritating and strange habits, so that's good."
"So it sounds as if it might stand a better chance of success?"
"Perhaps. God, I can't even imagine it..."
"Couldn't you?"
"Well, alright. I suppose I have imagined. Briefly."
"Briefly."
"Yes, briefly."
"How do you think Alex feels about you?"
"I don't know."
"No idea?"
"Well... she has suggested we have dinner. 'Dinner and conversation', that's what she said."
"And has that eventuated?"
"Her mother passed away. And then this... thing with Michael happened. We've both been busy. Distracted. I told her I wanted to. Have dinner. And conversation."
"And she was enthusiastic about this?"
"Yes, I suppose. She didn't laugh. Well, she smiled. And she wore lipstick once, just before all that happened. We had dinner, at a Japanese restaurant."
"She doesn't usually wear lipstick?"
"Ummm, not sure. It was quite red. Noticeable. Although it did take me a while to notice."
"Do you think that was her intention? To get your attention?"
"Maybe. She never did give me a straight answer. And later, when we were making plans to have dinner again... she was smiling at me. Really smiling. Happy smiling. That's a good sign, isn't it?"
"Yes, I'd say it is."
"She's really very pretty."
"You've said she's beautiful."
"She is. It catches me by surprise, sometimes. How lovely she is."
"Do you find her beauty intimidating?"
"No, I don't think so. I find it distracting."
"Say you were to tell her what you've been thinking, that you may have feelings for her and would like to see how they would develop. How do you think she'd react?"
"She'd probably laugh."
"Really?"
"Well, a bit. I think she'd be shocked."
"You don't think she'd expect it? Have any inkling that you've been feeling this way?"
"She might. She's perceptive."
"And what if it was she who said it to you? That she has feelings for you and would like to pursue a relationship? How would you react?"
"I'd be amused."
"Would you agree? If Alex said that to you, out of the blue? Would you agree to start a romantic relationship with her?"
"Of course! Of course, I'd thank my lucky bloody stars."
"You'd tell her you feel the same?"
"Yes, if she said it first."
"So... the only real hesitation you have is based on the fear of being knocked back, of being rejected? No hesitation regarding the relationship itself, or your feelings for her?"
"No. No hesitation."
"I think you've answered your own question, Tony?"
"Sorry?"
"You wondered if you had feelings for Alex. I believe you said, 'I think I might be falling in love with Alex.'"
"Right. I did say that, didn't I?"
"You did. And Tony... I think you're right in your assumption. I think you are falling in love with her."
"If I'm not already, that is."
"Exactly."
"So, that's one problem sorted, I suppose."
-