I know there aint no finish line I know this never ends
sometimes I wonder how I ended up right here. Looking back the road looks like a movie to me. I have been told that I can do a creepy amount of disassociation to my past. Whatever, life's crazy and you deal with it. All I know is that I want to be sleeping next to jeffrey having him hold me tight while we look up at the stars. Then I can pretend that nothing else matters. That I'm not a hopeless junkie stuck in texas. That I didnt ruin people's lives. I just wish I had the means to the end because the end could be potentially very good. I just want him here, me working, maybe even a roof over our heads.
I could go back a million times and say I should have done this, he should have done that. but when it comes down to it all we can do is deal with what we've got, which isnt a lot. ugh if only I could fast forward a week and a half too. that would work, if I cant rewind a month then could I please fast forward to when we both have jobs and a place to live and we can curl up next to each other.
I dont even want to get high anymore. and whatever if I havent worked the steps yet and all that bull shit. I dont even care, obviously I would love to stick a needle in my arm and feel instant gratification but since I cant do that and be with him then whatever who needs it. I cant promise I'll be clean for the rest of my life but for the most present future.
cause I know what I want and getting high will only stop me from getting that.
ehh whatever for now I guess I'm just a junkie in recovery missing her boy