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What the hell is wrong with me.......
Current mood: numb
Category: Life
have you ever done something just completely horrible and you hate yourself for it??? Well, if you have , welcome to my world. That's me right now. I hate myself for something i did and how i acted towards someone that i love with all my heart. im not going into detail here, all that needs to be said is, i screwed up. leave it at that. im at a point where all i want to do is get on my knees and scream IM SORRY loud enough for the earth to hear, but i know it isnt going to change what happened. Everything aside, things are fine now and returning more normal as everyday passes, but there is still the part of me that cant forgive myself. Everyone involved has said the usual "its ok", " dont be sorry" but its still there haunting me right there in the front of my head and on the tip of my tounge. How is it that no matter how hard you try , you cant help but hurt the people that mean the most to you sometimes. I know that noone ever tried to but hell it happens for reasons that i dont understand. The sad part is.. in the end you are left there , standing, looking back on everything said and everyting done asking yourself why the hell you did it or said it, or both. There are very few things in my life that i regret, well enough said.. this is one of them. Very few people actually know the details of what happened. Even fewer were there to tell me that yeah Sam, you screwed up, but it will be ok.. For the one that did.. ( you know who you are) Thank You. That cant be said enough.it sad that inthe roughest times the people you thought were your friends show thier true colors and well.. you get the idea. Ive asked myself a few, well hell more than a few, times why i acted like that. there is no reason, no explanation. Nothing that will ever justify how i acted. there is no Justification... There never will be. Not for treated the most perfect thing on this earth like trash. Its not acceptable. yet, somehow i manage to complete the task. im either, crazy, stupid or just plain screwed up in the head.. Hell, maybe all three. but to the person and people involved, im Sorry, and i do love you. You are one of the reasons i love my life. you make me happy you make me complete. there is nothing that i wouldnt do for you. I just need to be more careful of what i say and what i do. when im in a bad mood i need to learn to tell people that, instead of just flying off the handle. I need to change alot of things, i see that now. And, I will tell you one thing.. You are a damn good reason for change. i know you dont want ot change me, there are just parts of me that you dont like very much. For not wanting to change me , i thank you, which gives me even more reason to change. If there is one thing i have learned more than any other lesson provided me this weekend. ....... its the person who is understanding, and caring, and loveing. Its the person that make you smile by entering the room, its the person that makes your heart skip a beat by the sound of thier voice, its the person that you dream of everynight, and wake up with everyday.its the person that means everything to you. Its the person that you would take a bullet for and gladly give your life because they deserve to live... its that person who you will hurt the most without meaning to.. Trust me.. ive done it. All the "im sorrys " in the world cant make up for it, cant cahnge they way you made that person feel. but its a start. its hard to know that you hurt these people, even harder that your scared to try and explain.. Again there is no explaination. it hurts to know that because of my stupidity i hurt the most amazing creation of god. I cant imagine the hurt i caused this person, and its sad to say , but i wdont want to experience that pain. Although, to be fair.. I SHOULD... i guess all thats left to say is.. Im sorry.. and let a new day begin....
Current mood: numb
Category: Life
have you ever done something just completely horrible and you hate yourself for it??? Well, if you have , welcome to my world. That's me right now. I hate myself for something i did and how i acted towards someone that i love with all my heart. im not going into detail here, all that needs to be said is, i screwed up. leave it at that. im at a point where all i want to do is get on my knees and scream IM SORRY loud enough for the earth to hear, but i know it isnt going to change what happened. Everything aside, things are fine now and returning more normal as everyday passes, but there is still the part of me that cant forgive myself. Everyone involved has said the usual "its ok", " dont be sorry" but its still there haunting me right there in the front of my head and on the tip of my tounge. How is it that no matter how hard you try , you cant help but hurt the people that mean the most to you sometimes. I know that noone ever tried to but hell it happens for reasons that i dont understand. The sad part is.. in the end you are left there , standing, looking back on everything said and everyting done asking yourself why the hell you did it or said it, or both. There are very few things in my life that i regret, well enough said.. this is one of them. Very few people actually know the details of what happened. Even fewer were there to tell me that yeah Sam, you screwed up, but it will be ok.. For the one that did.. ( you know who you are) Thank You. That cant be said enough.it sad that inthe roughest times the people you thought were your friends show thier true colors and well.. you get the idea. Ive asked myself a few, well hell more than a few, times why i acted like that. there is no reason, no explanation. Nothing that will ever justify how i acted. there is no Justification... There never will be. Not for treated the most perfect thing on this earth like trash. Its not acceptable. yet, somehow i manage to complete the task. im either, crazy, stupid or just plain screwed up in the head.. Hell, maybe all three. but to the person and people involved, im Sorry, and i do love you. You are one of the reasons i love my life. you make me happy you make me complete. there is nothing that i wouldnt do for you. I just need to be more careful of what i say and what i do. when im in a bad mood i need to learn to tell people that, instead of just flying off the handle. I need to change alot of things, i see that now. And, I will tell you one thing.. You are a damn good reason for change. i know you dont want ot change me, there are just parts of me that you dont like very much. For not wanting to change me , i thank you, which gives me even more reason to change. If there is one thing i have learned more than any other lesson provided me this weekend. ....... its the person who is understanding, and caring, and loveing. Its the person that make you smile by entering the room, its the person that makes your heart skip a beat by the sound of thier voice, its the person that you dream of everynight, and wake up with everyday.its the person that means everything to you. Its the person that you would take a bullet for and gladly give your life because they deserve to live... its that person who you will hurt the most without meaning to.. Trust me.. ive done it. All the "im sorrys " in the world cant make up for it, cant cahnge they way you made that person feel. but its a start. its hard to know that you hurt these people, even harder that your scared to try and explain.. Again there is no explaination. it hurts to know that because of my stupidity i hurt the most amazing creation of god. I cant imagine the hurt i caused this person, and its sad to say , but i wdont want to experience that pain. Although, to be fair.. I SHOULD... i guess all thats left to say is.. Im sorry.. and let a new day begin....