why must you run so slow?!
people wonder why i never update this thing.
it's because it runs so terribly slow. ;/
it's sad really.
everyone uses this journal, but why?
there are such better journals out there, for free.
you can actually make layouts and use them on there, for free.
unlike here, i have a crappy background because it disables me from showing the world my own art.
lame.
the things people do for money.
not everyone has loads of cash sitting around to pay for such nonsense.
that concludes my lecture of the day.
now for an update,
i've been really, erm, emotional lately.
stress is becoming not my middle, but my first name.
stress is the current and seems like longlasting facial expression that i carry around with me.
making the world a better place. heh.
i'm stressed about school.
exams especially.
i passed my first 2 today, so that leaves me some hope for succeeding to senior year.
i'm stressed about medical things.
like my side and how it constantly is hurting.
how i go to the doctor more than once a week and get told nothing new.
the same "eh..i'm really not sure if it's safe to say yet."
i'm stressed about relationship things with davey.
he won't admit it, but i feel like i'm bringing him down in some way.
he calls me whenever he can, or makes time to.
it's sweet and all, and i love it when he calls to talk to me, but he has a life.
i know he would rather be out with his friends, playing ddr, skating, etc.
before he said that all of his friends thought he was "whipped" and he agreed.
although i never talk about it, it really kinda scares me.
not only that, but confuses me.
what all is he telling his friends to make them think that?
why would he think that in general?
how can i have him "whipped" if i live in another state.
i constantly tell him he should get off with me to sleep, eat, take a shower, or just stare at a wall.
any of those would be far more productive and enjoyable.
maybe i think to much, but i can't help it. i just do.
so i'm going to constantly be worried about things like this until..forever.
i probably will always be worried about things like this. ;/
after thinking about that "whipped" thing, it makes me wonder if he really wants to call as much as he does.
..or at all even.
i don't want to be one of those people who sits around and waits for the phone to ring and it be him on the other line and the caller feel like he has to call me.
i want the person to actually want to talk to me.
no matter how many times he says he wants to talk to me, i think i will always think that.
i'm stressed about my mom
watching her constantly throw up when she's conscious is almost to much.
i love her more than anything, and to see her going through this is killing me.
especially because she's the only one going through it.
they are somewhat sure that it has to do with her brain.
something happened to her brain in the car accident that makes her have multiple seizures, but not the kinds you're thinking of.
she doesn't flip around like most people do.
she can just be sitting and she starts puking 4+ times in a row.
she gets dizzy, light-headed, extremely pale, etc.
it hurts to watch this while knowing you can't do anything about it.
i'm stressed about weight issues
once i got down to 94 i decided i was going to attempt to gain weight.
really this time.
so i ate, didn't do much activity, etc.
i got on a scale, saw triple digits, freaked out, and was down to 92.
i decided to try again, this time i'm still working on it.
i haven't seen a scale for 1 1/2 months now.
i know i weigh over 100 but it doesn't affect me as much as if i see the numbers.
if i was to go on a scale now, and see that i weighed over 100, i would panic.
i wouldn't eat but one meal every 3 days like before.
a couple of crackers, then back to nothing for 3 more days.
only enough to keep me mobile and seemingly happy.
i miss looking down and only seeing my shirt, ruffled from where it doesn't have a stomach to lean up against.
now i see that horrible tummy staring at me, and grinning.
it's preparing to get huge and make me look even more horrible.
i've really been contemplating lowering my food intake.
i won't until after new years, incase davey comes down.
i'm stressed about my location
georgia is a bitch.
people are okay, other than that. no.
there is no one i really get along with.
noone to talk to about things that are going wrong.
i really am alone.
sure, i have people around me that qualify as friends.
they are those kinds of people that you would smile around even though you want to cry.
i'm surrounded by those kinds of people, and it makes me miss tennessee even more.
i need a davey, an april, etc.
i need to see mountains around me to make me feel like i'm more safe from the world.
more protected.
i miss that.
i'm basically stressed about everything
the list could go on and on.
i've nearly typed for an hour so the list must be cut short.
i don't blame anyone for not reading this short story/lists of complaints.
i can't even believe i typed it.
it's because it runs so terribly slow. ;/
it's sad really.
everyone uses this journal, but why?
there are such better journals out there, for free.
you can actually make layouts and use them on there, for free.
unlike here, i have a crappy background because it disables me from showing the world my own art.
lame.
the things people do for money.
not everyone has loads of cash sitting around to pay for such nonsense.
that concludes my lecture of the day.
now for an update,
i've been really, erm, emotional lately.
stress is becoming not my middle, but my first name.
stress is the current and seems like longlasting facial expression that i carry around with me.
making the world a better place. heh.
i'm stressed about school.
exams especially.
i passed my first 2 today, so that leaves me some hope for succeeding to senior year.
i'm stressed about medical things.
like my side and how it constantly is hurting.
how i go to the doctor more than once a week and get told nothing new.
the same "eh..i'm really not sure if it's safe to say yet."
i'm stressed about relationship things with davey.
he won't admit it, but i feel like i'm bringing him down in some way.
he calls me whenever he can, or makes time to.
it's sweet and all, and i love it when he calls to talk to me, but he has a life.
i know he would rather be out with his friends, playing ddr, skating, etc.
before he said that all of his friends thought he was "whipped" and he agreed.
although i never talk about it, it really kinda scares me.
not only that, but confuses me.
what all is he telling his friends to make them think that?
why would he think that in general?
how can i have him "whipped" if i live in another state.
i constantly tell him he should get off with me to sleep, eat, take a shower, or just stare at a wall.
any of those would be far more productive and enjoyable.
maybe i think to much, but i can't help it. i just do.
so i'm going to constantly be worried about things like this until..forever.
i probably will always be worried about things like this. ;/
after thinking about that "whipped" thing, it makes me wonder if he really wants to call as much as he does.
..or at all even.
i don't want to be one of those people who sits around and waits for the phone to ring and it be him on the other line and the caller feel like he has to call me.
i want the person to actually want to talk to me.
no matter how many times he says he wants to talk to me, i think i will always think that.
i'm stressed about my mom
watching her constantly throw up when she's conscious is almost to much.
i love her more than anything, and to see her going through this is killing me.
especially because she's the only one going through it.
they are somewhat sure that it has to do with her brain.
something happened to her brain in the car accident that makes her have multiple seizures, but not the kinds you're thinking of.
she doesn't flip around like most people do.
she can just be sitting and she starts puking 4+ times in a row.
she gets dizzy, light-headed, extremely pale, etc.
it hurts to watch this while knowing you can't do anything about it.
i'm stressed about weight issues
once i got down to 94 i decided i was going to attempt to gain weight.
really this time.
so i ate, didn't do much activity, etc.
i got on a scale, saw triple digits, freaked out, and was down to 92.
i decided to try again, this time i'm still working on it.
i haven't seen a scale for 1 1/2 months now.
i know i weigh over 100 but it doesn't affect me as much as if i see the numbers.
if i was to go on a scale now, and see that i weighed over 100, i would panic.
i wouldn't eat but one meal every 3 days like before.
a couple of crackers, then back to nothing for 3 more days.
only enough to keep me mobile and seemingly happy.
i miss looking down and only seeing my shirt, ruffled from where it doesn't have a stomach to lean up against.
now i see that horrible tummy staring at me, and grinning.
it's preparing to get huge and make me look even more horrible.
i've really been contemplating lowering my food intake.
i won't until after new years, incase davey comes down.
i'm stressed about my location
georgia is a bitch.
people are okay, other than that. no.
there is no one i really get along with.
noone to talk to about things that are going wrong.
i really am alone.
sure, i have people around me that qualify as friends.
they are those kinds of people that you would smile around even though you want to cry.
i'm surrounded by those kinds of people, and it makes me miss tennessee even more.
i need a davey, an april, etc.
i need to see mountains around me to make me feel like i'm more safe from the world.
more protected.
i miss that.
i'm basically stressed about everything
the list could go on and on.
i've nearly typed for an hour so the list must be cut short.
i don't blame anyone for not reading this short story/lists of complaints.
i can't even believe i typed it.