Random "Still Alive" Post
Still here. Still alive.
Don't believe me?
Maybe... might... if I feel like... it start to post a little more on here in a bit... Feel like taking pictures. Might do that this weekend...
Cleaned up my F-List a bit - didn't take anyone off who had me friended, but took some people off my own F-List. Tried to just check basically who had posted... anything in the last year; those who hadn't, I pretty much took off. I'm sorry if I took off anyone I shouldn't have by mistake! >< Please poke me here if you think you've been removed in error. >> Note though, I hardly EVER lock anything unless it's really personal, so I tend only to have people I (a) feel comfortable sharing personal things with on my own F-List and/or (b) people who post pretty pictures or humorous stories that make me giggle (or sexy stories... mm-hm).
And because I fear this is turning into a bit of a wasted post... I will share two things I have been doing lately.
1) FFXIV Online. Play? I'm on Bodhum. ;3 This is me - and my chocobo~ :D His name is Teatime. As in Mr. Teatime. PS: Ignore the message, b/c I suck at taking screenshots - I'm working on it! ><
2) Writing. Okay, so mostly it's RPs with Alex, but occasionally it's my own writing and then mostly it's been with Con and Ty. So knowing that some people may not be interested in this particular coupling... it goes under a cut. ^^;;;
Once Upon a Time, a Long, Long Time Ago
(Connor's Story)
I was only 10 the first time I met Ty. I was going through a bit of a skateboarding phase back then - my friend Jynx had got me into it and I used to go to the park with him. That's where we met Kev. We used to hang out a lot, the three of us, just like a pack of hoodlums on the streets. Jynx and I never had much money, but Kev was pretty well off and his parents always gave him money to eat and go to movies and stuff. We'd hang at the park all day and then split his meal at someplace and later he'd pay for a movie then let us in the emergency exit. It was great - who says you can't buy friends? 'Course it didn't hurt that Kev was actually pretty cool, too.
Then one day we're talking and Jynx and I get distracted with some hacking topic or other and Kev's like, 'You guys really like computers, huh?' Turns out he knew another kid who did; his Mom and this kid's Mom were in the same Wive's Club or something - you know, rich wives who had nothing better to do than get together and bake cupcakes for charity and stuff like that. His Mom always brought him with her and he'd spend most of his time in Kev's room hooked up to the internet on his laptop. But apparently he was 'okay, even though he's a dork and stuff,' you know, just like us, apparently. So he said he'd introduce us, since we had nothing better planned and his place wasn't far.
Ty's place was smaller than Kev's, but still way nicer than mine. I was already impressed as I stood gawping up at the frescoes as Kev rang the doorbell... and that's how I looked when he first saw me - he must have thought me so 'provincial'. 'Cuz Ty used words like that, even back then.
But anyway, Ty was the one who opened the door. Just a little older than me, but taller, and more slender, pale and so blond. His eyes were such a pale blue, seeing them really shocked me... so strange. Ten years old... and I'd met my first schoolboy crush. Right then and there. This was not as much of a shock as you might think. I knew I liked boys. Even that young, when most boys are talking about girls and who's 'dating' who (even though dating didn't mean much more than hanging out and holding hands), all I wanted to do was talk about other boys. Girls did not interest me at all. And because I was a bit of a Mama's boy back then, I'd talked to her about it and she'd explained things. Not that it made anything less awkward in those first few months with Ty.
I started spending more and more time with him. I was smitten from day one. He was so calm and cool all the time, and smart god, so smart. He taught me more than I even realized was possible with a computer, including how to do one or two things I had been sure were little more than underground myths. I quit skateboarding and started taking my laptop everywhere I went, even when I'd hang out with Jynx and Kev at the skate park - I'd code as I watched them practice tricks I didn't have time to perfect anymore. And I started seeing Ty almost every day, and then I started sleeping over sometimes... We'd spend the nights hacking one thing or another and just watching his fingers move over his keyboard would get me excited. It was hard to fall asleep sometimes after that. I'd lie awake on the little fold-away mattress his Mom would set up for me on the floor beside his bed so we could talk as we drifted off. Long after Ty would fall asleep, I'd just listen to him breathing. Sometimes I'd even sit up by his bed and watch him, wondering what it would feel like to touch him.
I know... Creepy, right?
I didn't have the guts to do more. I was afraid he wouldn't like me anymore if he knew how I felt. I wasn't entirely sure he liked me to begin with; Ty's always been hard to read. He never seemed nervous around me or anything, so I thought he probably wasn't interested, but then sometimes... just sometimes... I'd think I'd catch him staring out of the corner of my eye. But when I looked, he never was, and I thought it might just be wishful thinking.
It took me a long time to realize just how careful he was being, struggling to be... normal, I guess. Or what he thought was normal. One night it got to me so bad, thinking I must be nuts the way I always felt I was being watched whenever I turned my back that I just up and asked him if I was nuts or if he was really looking at me. It probably wasn't the most subtle of questions, and I don't think I was expecting him to say he was but... he said he was.
I didn't know what to say to that and I guess I must've looked pretty stunned because Ty came to sit beside me on his bed and put his hand on my shoulder. Ty was always so warm... I remember it felt like his hand was on fire... He asked if he could tell me something. And I had to promise not to tell anyone else. Not a soul. And I had to promise I wouldn't be angry at him after.
And then he told me he liked me.
I can't remember what he said after that. He kept babbling about something or other but I honestly wasn't listening. I was too shocked to listen and his hand was too hot... I don't know what I was thinking, probably I wasn't. I couldn't believe he liked me, too. It was like all the hours I'd spent watching him and wanting to touch him came crashing back over me in that one moment... and I kissed him. It was quick and awkward and he was in the middle of saying something so I bumped his teeth and it hurt and I immediately felt stupid in the ensuing silence.
But I'd kissed him. My first kiss.
And as he sat there stunned and twice as shocked as me, I told him it was okay... because I liked him, too. And I told him what my Mom had told me, that it was okay if he liked me, even though I was a boy too, because there are lots of boys in the world who like other boys and it's totally normal. And then he said one of the stupidest things I'd ever heard him say and I immediately felt better about my ineptitude with kissing... He said, 'That's not right. It's evil.' And yes, he actually said 'evil'. He said that gays had the devil inside them, making them want to do bad things. He said he was surprised I was like that, too. He asked if it was hard for me, too, 'pretending' to be normal. He said his Mom had told him all this... Fuck, I don't know if you can comprehend how I felt at that moment. The mass of shit flowing out of his mouth was unbelievable. Incomprehensible. I didn't know what to think, but I felt that what he was saying wasn't right. It made me so sad... and angry. So angry.
I told him I wasn't 'evil' - I was just gay. And I didn't have to 'pretend' to be normal, because I was. He just sat there... even I could tell he didn't really believe me. Which really pissed me off. So I kissed him again.
It made sense at the time.
I think I just wanted him to stop thinking; everything he was saying just pissed me off so damn much. And the good thing about kissing him - aside from how good it felt, I mean - was that it sure shut him up. I didn't really think I'd convinced him of anything, but he stopped spewing nonsense and kissed me back. My heart raced and I felt so hot I thought I'd faint. It was gentle, at first... I don't think either of us knew what we were doing. We ended up on his bed, and fuck we must've made out for hours... When he touched me, he was somehow still hotter than me... it made my heart beat even faster.
Ah, but... Anyway, I won't bore you with details. Right? Suffice it to say it was amazing. I went home, too nervous to sleep over that night; my mind was just... on fire. I made him promise me that he understood what we were doing wasn't bad or evil or anything and he did. Looking back, it's obvious he just said it to make me feel better, but it didn't stop us. As far as I was concerned, when we kept on kissing and making out the next time I came over, and the next... he was my boyfriend, and we were dating. But I asked him one day just to be sure. 'Cuz you never know. I remember he asked me, 'Did I want to be his boyfriend?' and when I said yes, he said 'Then I guess you are.' And there you have it; it was official.
We got along really good, at first. Hardly ever fought. Ty was so fucking charming. You probably don't get this, because if you've known Ty for any real length of time, you've probably realized that he's always thinking of himself first... But if you're important to him, he'll spend hours just thinking up ways to make you happy... make you smile. From simple things like waking up to a brand new laptop mouse on my pillow after I'd dropped mine at the skate park... to the ridiculously romantic like sunset picnics by the river... And no, I'm not kidding. Ty actually has a real honest-to-God romantic streak; he loves all that corny stuff. He reads poetry for God's sake, I kid you not. Like, for fun.
I was sucked in. And gradually I think... I got him to trust me enough to drop his act a little around me. He'd smile more, laugh more... around me, like he wasn't so constantly tense. And man, I loved his smile... But the more he dropped his act, the more I realized that he wasn't nearly as nice as I'd thought.
For instance, when we started dating, of course I introduced him to my friends, and he introduced me to his - if you could call them that. He was charming and witty and polite, in company, everyone got along with him alright - I'm sure if he'd been discovered as some mass murderer everyone would have been shocked, saying things like, 'But he was such a nice guy...' But if I mentioned them when we were alone, it quickly became obvious that he didn't really care about any of them. Like this one time Jack got into some trouble - he tried hacking a bank or something and got caught. Jack, mind you... who Ty had known for years - who had taught Ty a lot of the same tricks he'd later taught me - who Ty had introduced me to as a friend of his. And I remember I was worried about the guy... and I asked Ty what would happen to him and he just shrugged and said it was 'his own damn fault' for being 'stupid enough' to get caught. And he said not to worry, anyway... because there wasn't anything the cops could use to tie us to Jack. As if I was worried about myself at the time... But Ty was. Ty always worried about himself first, and then his Mom, and then me. No one else ever really seemed to matter.
Except me.
But even trying to please me seemed to confuse the hell out of him sometimes. He had a tough time understanding people's feelings; anticipating how we'd react to things. It just wasn't intuitive for him, the way it is for most people. Simple things he got, like... if I wanted or needed something, he'd get it for me. Easy. Romantic gestures - straight out of those poetry books he'd read... the romance novels he kept stashed under his bed where his Mom wouldn't find them... Easy. Sex. Not so easy...
Neither of us knew what we were doing. Me, I was just happy to learn with him, but Ty never liked to feel out-of-depth... out-of-control. He didn't like not knowing. So he went out and learned. Not from books, not from the internet like you'd think... but from people. From older boys... older men, sometimes. And then he'd 'teach' me... show off some new trick he'd learned from somebody else in the middle of a make-out session... like he thought I'd be happy about it. It hurt, and I'd get angry, and he'd look at me like I'd grown a third head, like he just didn't get it. So I thought... 'Fine, I'll show him how it hurts,' and I'd flirt like hell next time we were out and I found a cute boy. Sometimes stuff happened, usually it didn't... but it always pissed him off. I don't know if I could say it 'hurt' him... because he never cried or anything... but it sure did make him angry. But no matter how many times I did it... he couldn't connect the dots, he just couldn't understand how it had anything to do with what he was doing; I'm not even sure he understood why it made him so angry... or that he even recognized the emotion as jealousy. But when I flirted, he just worked harder to 'impress' me.
We did not stay innocent for long. Neither of us. And eventually, Ty got so good, I almost stopped caring where he was learning what. And it was better when he was jealous; when he was angry... even when he was a little rough. It was more exciting... He was so calm all the time... when he was jealous, when I could make him snap... I knew he liked me.
I know what you're thinking... and I know... it was definitely no kind of 'healthy' relationship. But I was barely a teenager, hormones raging out of control. And I loved him... I thought. I thought I did. I thought, that's what love must be, when you're so crazy about someone that you still want them even when they hurt you, even when you hurt them. It was crazy... so it must be love... I thought.
We were both just... idiots.
Eventually his Mom found out about us. Walked in on us one day. Nearly gave me a black eye and threw me, bodily, out of her house. She wouldn't let him see me. And he didn't even try to sneak out, as far as I could tell. And then one day she just packed up her things, and him, and they left... and I didn't see him again for almost four years. No emails. No letters. No phone calls. His Father wouldn't tell me where they went. No one else knew. I begged my Mom to help me find him, but... I think she knew more about what had gone on between us than even she was comfortable with. She begged me to forget about him...
But I couldn't. Not really. Not for a really long time... Not until I met someone else who was more important. Not until just before he finally came back.
What fucking timing that was...
Would things have been different, if he'd come home just a few months sooner? Would they have been better, is what I ask myself... and I'm pretty sure the answer is a resounding 'no' on that one. I wouldn't give up what I found instead... not for anything. Not the whole world. And if he had come back before... nothing would have changed. I wouldn't have changed. Maybe... even he wouldn't have changed. Because it's not true, you know... that old saying... that people don't change. People change all the time.
All the time.
I'm not sure we're really 'good' together. Even now. Better than we were before, certainly... but we've gone through a lot to get where we are, he and I. It's like an uneasy truce, both sides wanting the same thing but neither side completely trusting the other to give it to them. But I just can't seem to say 'no' to him with any real conviction anymore, maybe because I no longer have a reason to. And he sure keeps following me. So maybe our fates were tied together that first day... with me standing on Ty's doorstep like the village-idiot, with my chin on my chest. He was so beautiful, I couldn't stop staring. And he still is.
Don't believe me?
Maybe... might... if I feel like... it start to post a little more on here in a bit... Feel like taking pictures. Might do that this weekend...
Cleaned up my F-List a bit - didn't take anyone off who had me friended, but took some people off my own F-List. Tried to just check basically who had posted... anything in the last year; those who hadn't, I pretty much took off. I'm sorry if I took off anyone I shouldn't have by mistake! >< Please poke me here if you think you've been removed in error. >> Note though, I hardly EVER lock anything unless it's really personal, so I tend only to have people I (a) feel comfortable sharing personal things with on my own F-List and/or (b) people who post pretty pictures or humorous stories that make me giggle (or sexy stories... mm-hm).
And because I fear this is turning into a bit of a wasted post... I will share two things I have been doing lately.
1) FFXIV Online. Play? I'm on Bodhum. ;3 This is me - and my chocobo~ :D His name is Teatime. As in Mr. Teatime. PS: Ignore the message, b/c I suck at taking screenshots - I'm working on it! ><
2) Writing. Okay, so mostly it's RPs with Alex, but occasionally it's my own writing and then mostly it's been with Con and Ty. So knowing that some people may not be interested in this particular coupling... it goes under a cut. ^^;;;
Once Upon a Time, a Long, Long Time Ago
(Connor's Story)
I was only 10 the first time I met Ty. I was going through a bit of a skateboarding phase back then - my friend Jynx had got me into it and I used to go to the park with him. That's where we met Kev. We used to hang out a lot, the three of us, just like a pack of hoodlums on the streets. Jynx and I never had much money, but Kev was pretty well off and his parents always gave him money to eat and go to movies and stuff. We'd hang at the park all day and then split his meal at someplace and later he'd pay for a movie then let us in the emergency exit. It was great - who says you can't buy friends? 'Course it didn't hurt that Kev was actually pretty cool, too.
Then one day we're talking and Jynx and I get distracted with some hacking topic or other and Kev's like, 'You guys really like computers, huh?' Turns out he knew another kid who did; his Mom and this kid's Mom were in the same Wive's Club or something - you know, rich wives who had nothing better to do than get together and bake cupcakes for charity and stuff like that. His Mom always brought him with her and he'd spend most of his time in Kev's room hooked up to the internet on his laptop. But apparently he was 'okay, even though he's a dork and stuff,' you know, just like us, apparently. So he said he'd introduce us, since we had nothing better planned and his place wasn't far.
Ty's place was smaller than Kev's, but still way nicer than mine. I was already impressed as I stood gawping up at the frescoes as Kev rang the doorbell... and that's how I looked when he first saw me - he must have thought me so 'provincial'. 'Cuz Ty used words like that, even back then.
But anyway, Ty was the one who opened the door. Just a little older than me, but taller, and more slender, pale and so blond. His eyes were such a pale blue, seeing them really shocked me... so strange. Ten years old... and I'd met my first schoolboy crush. Right then and there. This was not as much of a shock as you might think. I knew I liked boys. Even that young, when most boys are talking about girls and who's 'dating' who (even though dating didn't mean much more than hanging out and holding hands), all I wanted to do was talk about other boys. Girls did not interest me at all. And because I was a bit of a Mama's boy back then, I'd talked to her about it and she'd explained things. Not that it made anything less awkward in those first few months with Ty.
I started spending more and more time with him. I was smitten from day one. He was so calm and cool all the time, and smart god, so smart. He taught me more than I even realized was possible with a computer, including how to do one or two things I had been sure were little more than underground myths. I quit skateboarding and started taking my laptop everywhere I went, even when I'd hang out with Jynx and Kev at the skate park - I'd code as I watched them practice tricks I didn't have time to perfect anymore. And I started seeing Ty almost every day, and then I started sleeping over sometimes... We'd spend the nights hacking one thing or another and just watching his fingers move over his keyboard would get me excited. It was hard to fall asleep sometimes after that. I'd lie awake on the little fold-away mattress his Mom would set up for me on the floor beside his bed so we could talk as we drifted off. Long after Ty would fall asleep, I'd just listen to him breathing. Sometimes I'd even sit up by his bed and watch him, wondering what it would feel like to touch him.
I know... Creepy, right?
I didn't have the guts to do more. I was afraid he wouldn't like me anymore if he knew how I felt. I wasn't entirely sure he liked me to begin with; Ty's always been hard to read. He never seemed nervous around me or anything, so I thought he probably wasn't interested, but then sometimes... just sometimes... I'd think I'd catch him staring out of the corner of my eye. But when I looked, he never was, and I thought it might just be wishful thinking.
It took me a long time to realize just how careful he was being, struggling to be... normal, I guess. Or what he thought was normal. One night it got to me so bad, thinking I must be nuts the way I always felt I was being watched whenever I turned my back that I just up and asked him if I was nuts or if he was really looking at me. It probably wasn't the most subtle of questions, and I don't think I was expecting him to say he was but... he said he was.
I didn't know what to say to that and I guess I must've looked pretty stunned because Ty came to sit beside me on his bed and put his hand on my shoulder. Ty was always so warm... I remember it felt like his hand was on fire... He asked if he could tell me something. And I had to promise not to tell anyone else. Not a soul. And I had to promise I wouldn't be angry at him after.
And then he told me he liked me.
I can't remember what he said after that. He kept babbling about something or other but I honestly wasn't listening. I was too shocked to listen and his hand was too hot... I don't know what I was thinking, probably I wasn't. I couldn't believe he liked me, too. It was like all the hours I'd spent watching him and wanting to touch him came crashing back over me in that one moment... and I kissed him. It was quick and awkward and he was in the middle of saying something so I bumped his teeth and it hurt and I immediately felt stupid in the ensuing silence.
But I'd kissed him. My first kiss.
And as he sat there stunned and twice as shocked as me, I told him it was okay... because I liked him, too. And I told him what my Mom had told me, that it was okay if he liked me, even though I was a boy too, because there are lots of boys in the world who like other boys and it's totally normal. And then he said one of the stupidest things I'd ever heard him say and I immediately felt better about my ineptitude with kissing... He said, 'That's not right. It's evil.' And yes, he actually said 'evil'. He said that gays had the devil inside them, making them want to do bad things. He said he was surprised I was like that, too. He asked if it was hard for me, too, 'pretending' to be normal. He said his Mom had told him all this... Fuck, I don't know if you can comprehend how I felt at that moment. The mass of shit flowing out of his mouth was unbelievable. Incomprehensible. I didn't know what to think, but I felt that what he was saying wasn't right. It made me so sad... and angry. So angry.
I told him I wasn't 'evil' - I was just gay. And I didn't have to 'pretend' to be normal, because I was. He just sat there... even I could tell he didn't really believe me. Which really pissed me off. So I kissed him again.
It made sense at the time.
I think I just wanted him to stop thinking; everything he was saying just pissed me off so damn much. And the good thing about kissing him - aside from how good it felt, I mean - was that it sure shut him up. I didn't really think I'd convinced him of anything, but he stopped spewing nonsense and kissed me back. My heart raced and I felt so hot I thought I'd faint. It was gentle, at first... I don't think either of us knew what we were doing. We ended up on his bed, and fuck we must've made out for hours... When he touched me, he was somehow still hotter than me... it made my heart beat even faster.
Ah, but... Anyway, I won't bore you with details. Right? Suffice it to say it was amazing. I went home, too nervous to sleep over that night; my mind was just... on fire. I made him promise me that he understood what we were doing wasn't bad or evil or anything and he did. Looking back, it's obvious he just said it to make me feel better, but it didn't stop us. As far as I was concerned, when we kept on kissing and making out the next time I came over, and the next... he was my boyfriend, and we were dating. But I asked him one day just to be sure. 'Cuz you never know. I remember he asked me, 'Did I want to be his boyfriend?' and when I said yes, he said 'Then I guess you are.' And there you have it; it was official.
We got along really good, at first. Hardly ever fought. Ty was so fucking charming. You probably don't get this, because if you've known Ty for any real length of time, you've probably realized that he's always thinking of himself first... But if you're important to him, he'll spend hours just thinking up ways to make you happy... make you smile. From simple things like waking up to a brand new laptop mouse on my pillow after I'd dropped mine at the skate park... to the ridiculously romantic like sunset picnics by the river... And no, I'm not kidding. Ty actually has a real honest-to-God romantic streak; he loves all that corny stuff. He reads poetry for God's sake, I kid you not. Like, for fun.
I was sucked in. And gradually I think... I got him to trust me enough to drop his act a little around me. He'd smile more, laugh more... around me, like he wasn't so constantly tense. And man, I loved his smile... But the more he dropped his act, the more I realized that he wasn't nearly as nice as I'd thought.
For instance, when we started dating, of course I introduced him to my friends, and he introduced me to his - if you could call them that. He was charming and witty and polite, in company, everyone got along with him alright - I'm sure if he'd been discovered as some mass murderer everyone would have been shocked, saying things like, 'But he was such a nice guy...' But if I mentioned them when we were alone, it quickly became obvious that he didn't really care about any of them. Like this one time Jack got into some trouble - he tried hacking a bank or something and got caught. Jack, mind you... who Ty had known for years - who had taught Ty a lot of the same tricks he'd later taught me - who Ty had introduced me to as a friend of his. And I remember I was worried about the guy... and I asked Ty what would happen to him and he just shrugged and said it was 'his own damn fault' for being 'stupid enough' to get caught. And he said not to worry, anyway... because there wasn't anything the cops could use to tie us to Jack. As if I was worried about myself at the time... But Ty was. Ty always worried about himself first, and then his Mom, and then me. No one else ever really seemed to matter.
Except me.
But even trying to please me seemed to confuse the hell out of him sometimes. He had a tough time understanding people's feelings; anticipating how we'd react to things. It just wasn't intuitive for him, the way it is for most people. Simple things he got, like... if I wanted or needed something, he'd get it for me. Easy. Romantic gestures - straight out of those poetry books he'd read... the romance novels he kept stashed under his bed where his Mom wouldn't find them... Easy. Sex. Not so easy...
Neither of us knew what we were doing. Me, I was just happy to learn with him, but Ty never liked to feel out-of-depth... out-of-control. He didn't like not knowing. So he went out and learned. Not from books, not from the internet like you'd think... but from people. From older boys... older men, sometimes. And then he'd 'teach' me... show off some new trick he'd learned from somebody else in the middle of a make-out session... like he thought I'd be happy about it. It hurt, and I'd get angry, and he'd look at me like I'd grown a third head, like he just didn't get it. So I thought... 'Fine, I'll show him how it hurts,' and I'd flirt like hell next time we were out and I found a cute boy. Sometimes stuff happened, usually it didn't... but it always pissed him off. I don't know if I could say it 'hurt' him... because he never cried or anything... but it sure did make him angry. But no matter how many times I did it... he couldn't connect the dots, he just couldn't understand how it had anything to do with what he was doing; I'm not even sure he understood why it made him so angry... or that he even recognized the emotion as jealousy. But when I flirted, he just worked harder to 'impress' me.
We did not stay innocent for long. Neither of us. And eventually, Ty got so good, I almost stopped caring where he was learning what. And it was better when he was jealous; when he was angry... even when he was a little rough. It was more exciting... He was so calm all the time... when he was jealous, when I could make him snap... I knew he liked me.
I know what you're thinking... and I know... it was definitely no kind of 'healthy' relationship. But I was barely a teenager, hormones raging out of control. And I loved him... I thought. I thought I did. I thought, that's what love must be, when you're so crazy about someone that you still want them even when they hurt you, even when you hurt them. It was crazy... so it must be love... I thought.
We were both just... idiots.
Eventually his Mom found out about us. Walked in on us one day. Nearly gave me a black eye and threw me, bodily, out of her house. She wouldn't let him see me. And he didn't even try to sneak out, as far as I could tell. And then one day she just packed up her things, and him, and they left... and I didn't see him again for almost four years. No emails. No letters. No phone calls. His Father wouldn't tell me where they went. No one else knew. I begged my Mom to help me find him, but... I think she knew more about what had gone on between us than even she was comfortable with. She begged me to forget about him...
But I couldn't. Not really. Not for a really long time... Not until I met someone else who was more important. Not until just before he finally came back.
What fucking timing that was...
Would things have been different, if he'd come home just a few months sooner? Would they have been better, is what I ask myself... and I'm pretty sure the answer is a resounding 'no' on that one. I wouldn't give up what I found instead... not for anything. Not the whole world. And if he had come back before... nothing would have changed. I wouldn't have changed. Maybe... even he wouldn't have changed. Because it's not true, you know... that old saying... that people don't change. People change all the time.
All the time.
I'm not sure we're really 'good' together. Even now. Better than we were before, certainly... but we've gone through a lot to get where we are, he and I. It's like an uneasy truce, both sides wanting the same thing but neither side completely trusting the other to give it to them. But I just can't seem to say 'no' to him with any real conviction anymore, maybe because I no longer have a reason to. And he sure keeps following me. So maybe our fates were tied together that first day... with me standing on Ty's doorstep like the village-idiot, with my chin on my chest. He was so beautiful, I couldn't stop staring. And he still is.