Positivityyyyyy
It's crazy how much better life looks when your glass is half-full instead of half-empty.
It's also crazy how much better a person can feel about themselves with a little positive reinforcement.
I think that I thrive on knowing I'm doing a good job. It makes me want to try harder, be better.
When I feel useless, I tend to act that way. Like, why work so damn hard for a paycheck that's going to stay the same regardless--but every time I hear a, "Good job, Erika", or a "We really appreciate all of the time you're putting in lately," it make everything seem worthwhile.
I enjoy feeling appreciated. Fuck, who doesn't. But I never really payed attention to how much I need that feeling to survive.
My self-worth is very dependent on other people, as sad as that is. I started crying the other day on the phone after my mom called to congratulate me on a good story, but then said I should start looking for jobs with more pay...freelance work and the like.
I felt like even though she called to say something positive, it instead turned into what I "should" be doing, and how I'm "just sitting around wasting whatever talent I possess."
It's fucked-up how my head perceives messages this way...clearly a chemical imbalance. I know she "meant" to say that I'm getting better at what I do, and could probably make more money somewhere else...but all I heard was, "you're lazy, grow up."
I do this with everyone I come into contact w/...I distort what they say to feel bad about myself, when really I should just shut up, say thank you for the compliment, and move on.
Today in court, I had two more relatives of victims come up to me and tell me how well I'm doing and, "blah, blah, blah." It made me feel that key word, "appreciated."
No one ever said, "Hey, great school board story," instead, I had bitchy parents calling me about taxes. In this role, I can actually write, write. I can tell stories. I know a lot of it will eventually turn to hard news "cop" shit, but I'm going to take full advantage of using my own style, and my own voice--which I've done as of recent--and write the stories how I, as a reader, would want to read them, and not based off of what every other writer is doing...I think that will set me apart...wow...ramble.
I just need to write a god damn book already. Someday....mark my words. This is the internet, this shit will never go away.
Anyway, it feels good to feel good. Now I just need to work on body image shit---that's a whole 'nother can of worms.
My new pretty back certainly helps though :)
It's also crazy how much better a person can feel about themselves with a little positive reinforcement.
I think that I thrive on knowing I'm doing a good job. It makes me want to try harder, be better.
When I feel useless, I tend to act that way. Like, why work so damn hard for a paycheck that's going to stay the same regardless--but every time I hear a, "Good job, Erika", or a "We really appreciate all of the time you're putting in lately," it make everything seem worthwhile.
I enjoy feeling appreciated. Fuck, who doesn't. But I never really payed attention to how much I need that feeling to survive.
My self-worth is very dependent on other people, as sad as that is. I started crying the other day on the phone after my mom called to congratulate me on a good story, but then said I should start looking for jobs with more pay...freelance work and the like.
I felt like even though she called to say something positive, it instead turned into what I "should" be doing, and how I'm "just sitting around wasting whatever talent I possess."
It's fucked-up how my head perceives messages this way...clearly a chemical imbalance. I know she "meant" to say that I'm getting better at what I do, and could probably make more money somewhere else...but all I heard was, "you're lazy, grow up."
I do this with everyone I come into contact w/...I distort what they say to feel bad about myself, when really I should just shut up, say thank you for the compliment, and move on.
Today in court, I had two more relatives of victims come up to me and tell me how well I'm doing and, "blah, blah, blah." It made me feel that key word, "appreciated."
No one ever said, "Hey, great school board story," instead, I had bitchy parents calling me about taxes. In this role, I can actually write, write. I can tell stories. I know a lot of it will eventually turn to hard news "cop" shit, but I'm going to take full advantage of using my own style, and my own voice--which I've done as of recent--and write the stories how I, as a reader, would want to read them, and not based off of what every other writer is doing...I think that will set me apart...wow...ramble.
I just need to write a god damn book already. Someday....mark my words. This is the internet, this shit will never go away.
Anyway, it feels good to feel good. Now I just need to work on body image shit---that's a whole 'nother can of worms.
My new pretty back certainly helps though :)