(no subject)
I've noticed that recently I feel like Cain. No, I don't feel like killing someone and I don't feel like God has put a mark on me.
But I do occasionally feel that others are Abel. Abel gave an offering to God and God saw it as a pleasing aroma. But Cain's offering was not pleasing to God, and God told him so. Now, I don't claim that I'm hearing a large voice from Heaven saying "YOU MESSED UP, KID! TRY AGAIN!" And I don't feel like killing the people whose offerings I believe are better. But I do feel like the things I give to God are unacceptable. More annoyingly, I don't know how to change that.
When I was younger and I would play special music or offertories for church, it would be something I worked on for a long time. It was usually something classical, or a hymn arrangement. Even then it felt like what I was offering was not enough, like there was something more I should be doing. Now, I am more involved than I ever was when I was younger. I often like to sit down and play hymns just to sing along with them. I have played for loved ones, at funerals, at weddings, at nursing homes, and just for me. I play every week in church, and offertories about once a month. I work in the nursery at church, make sure to go to Sunday School, listen closely to the sermon and take copious notes. I don't do this because I feel it's what I'm "supposed to do" as a Christian, I do it because I want to know Him more. If I didn't feel the commitment to Him, I wouldn't be involved in all these facets of church work, I'd be like the other 95% of the people in the church and just show up for the service in the morning.
So what am I to do? I don't have the voice of God yelling down from Heaven each time I offer Him something, telling me whether it's acceptable or not. Plus, I'm too neurotic and self-esteem-less to even realize if it would be a pleasing sacrifice to Him. So am I doomed to be a perpetually agonized servant of His for the rest of my life, wondering if my offerings are accepted? Or will I one day realize that what I offer to God is enough?
But I do occasionally feel that others are Abel. Abel gave an offering to God and God saw it as a pleasing aroma. But Cain's offering was not pleasing to God, and God told him so. Now, I don't claim that I'm hearing a large voice from Heaven saying "YOU MESSED UP, KID! TRY AGAIN!" And I don't feel like killing the people whose offerings I believe are better. But I do feel like the things I give to God are unacceptable. More annoyingly, I don't know how to change that.
When I was younger and I would play special music or offertories for church, it would be something I worked on for a long time. It was usually something classical, or a hymn arrangement. Even then it felt like what I was offering was not enough, like there was something more I should be doing. Now, I am more involved than I ever was when I was younger. I often like to sit down and play hymns just to sing along with them. I have played for loved ones, at funerals, at weddings, at nursing homes, and just for me. I play every week in church, and offertories about once a month. I work in the nursery at church, make sure to go to Sunday School, listen closely to the sermon and take copious notes. I don't do this because I feel it's what I'm "supposed to do" as a Christian, I do it because I want to know Him more. If I didn't feel the commitment to Him, I wouldn't be involved in all these facets of church work, I'd be like the other 95% of the people in the church and just show up for the service in the morning.
So what am I to do? I don't have the voice of God yelling down from Heaven each time I offer Him something, telling me whether it's acceptable or not. Plus, I'm too neurotic and self-esteem-less to even realize if it would be a pleasing sacrifice to Him. So am I doomed to be a perpetually agonized servant of His for the rest of my life, wondering if my offerings are accepted? Or will I one day realize that what I offer to God is enough?