FIC: Closer to the Heart - Chapter 15
Title: Closer to the Heart
Chapter 15: Empty Places
Rating: PG-13?
Warnings: If you're not offended by the episode, you shouldn't be offended by this fic.
Summary: Dissension within the ranks.
A/N: This (particularly the way this episode ends) was a pretty popular topic back when I finished 'Close to the Chest' and the sequel was still an undecided variable. My original plot bunnies for this fic were for this episode and the next one. I had some deliciously angsty scenes in my head and those were the ones that got me to start writing this fic. I actually had to write those bunnies out by the time I got here; they just didn't fit with the developments I'd given to some of the characters. However, I'm quite satisfied with the way it turned out. Hopefully people will get a good read out of what I did with this.
:::
Willow felt stiff and aching as she awoke. The bright lights hurt her eyes, but not as much as the sight of her friend lying wounded on the bed in front of her.
"Morning," said a gentle voice in her ear.
"Hey." Willow squeezed the hand that was still gripping hers.
"I'm sorry I bailed last night," Buffy said quietly.
"You came back," Willow pointed out.
"I still feel bad about it. I-I know you need support and - I can't always give it to you."
"It's okay, Buffy." Willow kissed the Slayer's hand.
"I just - God, I still can't look at him." She rested her head on the witch's shoulder. "Xander, Rona…Molly, and… It's all my fault."
"No," Willow assured her softly. "Buffy, it's Caleb's fault. It's The First's fault. None of this is your fault."
"It feels like it is, Will."
"I understand why you feel that way, but it's not your fault. You're doing the best you can with what you have."
It's not enough.
I have something of yours.
"Buffy? Willow?" Giles walked quietly into the hospital room.
*I'm gonna take a walk,* Buffy thought to the witch. Willow frowned at her, but made no protest as the Slayer got up to leave the room.
"Buffy, this concerns you too," Giles informed her as she passed him. "I'm trying to get information about Caleb."
"Come back to me when you have information," the Slayer said coldly as she left the room.
"Information?" Willow prompted gently.
:::
"Well," Buffy put on the bravest smile she could manage, "we're looking at a possible release as early as tonight."
The Slayer stood nervously in the doorway, hesitant to look her friend in the face. Willow sat at the foot of Xander's bed, grimacing as she attempted to look resolved. Xander watched Buffy as she spoke.
"Um, we're just waiting for your labs to get back," she explained, "and Dr. Kallet said that should be a couple of hours."
"That's great," said Xander shortly.
"Okay," Buffy said with a nod. "Um, I think we're all caught up then." She grabbed the file folder Willow had left on the table. "Thank you for this," she told the witch. "This was, um, really great work."
"Oh," the disappointment was plain in Willow's voice, "I thought we were gonna…" She looked from Xander to Buffy. "There were gonna be card games."
"Oh, no, I just - I should really get back," Buffy tried. Willow looked devastated. "I-I'm sorry. I wanna get everyone started on this. I think we're really close to something."
"It's okay," Xander assured her. "It's gotta be done. And I might see you tonight - without depth perception, of course, but…still." He smiled encouragingly.
"I'm sorry," the Slayer said again as she left.
:::
"You got enough to share?" asked Kennedy, walking up behind Faith, who was seated on the counter and eating potato chips.
"Trade ya for a carton of cigarettes and some soap," Faith answered. "Sorry," she amended quickly. "Habit." Turning to face Kennedy, she passed her the bag of chips. "Shouldn't you be down at Hogwarts?"
"Probably." Kennedy shrugged as she took a handful of chips before giving the bag back to Faith.
"All right," said Faith with a grin. "Playin' hooky. Score one for the boarding school brat. Anya's technique's probably a little different than you're used to."
"Do you think there are gonna be questions about her sex life on the test?" said Amanda as she came in from the basement as well.
"There's gonna be a test?" Vi questioned, following behind Amanda.
"Vi," said Kennedy brightly. "I'm surprised you ditched."
"I'm a rebel," said Vi with a shrug.
"No you're not," Kennedy countered, taking the redhead's hand.
"No, I'm not," Vi agreed, beaming. "But you're a lot more interesting than Anya."
"Jesus," Faith interrupted, "is everyone in this house a lesbian?"
Vi's eyes widened nervously, Kennedy smirked, and Amanda looked questioningly at Faith.
"Let's take stock," Kennedy suggested. "Faith," she studied the Slayer's face for a moment, "are you gay?"
"Damn, when did this become about me?" The others watched Faith patiently. "Thought about it once."
"Yeah?" Kennedy prompted. "So, what happened."
"The girl had a guy." Faith shrugged. "I don't think she really sees me that way, anyway."
"Sees?"
"Saw," Faith corrected quickly. "Dude's are easier anyway."
"Nicer to look at," Amanda supplemented.
"Lost me there," said Kennedy, grinning and looking sideways at Vi. "So, Amanda - straight?"
"Yeah."
"So not everyone then," Kennedy informed Faith.
"Still," Faith looked down at Vi and Kennedy's linked hands, "you guys are, right?"
"Um…" said Vi.
"And there's also Buffy and Willow."
"Buffy's gay?" Amanda blurted out.
"Willow's girlfriend is Buffy?" Vi questioned.
"Woops." Faith slid from the counter, shuffling her feet impatiently. "Boarding school doesn't seem surprised."
"The name's Kennedy," she pointed out.
"Kennedy…" Faith frowned in thought. "Oh! You're my roommate."
"If you'd slept in the room last night, you might know that."
"Fight like last night, no kill, ain't no way I'm sleeping," Faith said by way of an answer.
"Oh yeah," Vi nodded in agreement, "sometimes - after a fight - I get this huge adrenaline rush and I get really hungry and…" she trailed off with a blush.
"No way!" Faith challenged. "Oh, Buffy's so busted. If you wannabes are gettin' it, then I know she is."
Vi moved her mouth soundlessly, unsure of what to say to this statement.
"I think I missed something here," Amanda commented. "Weren't we talking about Buffy being gay?"
"Buffy's bi," said Faith and Kennedy in unison.
"But isn't she dating Spike?" asked Amanda.
"Nah," Faith dismissed. "They used to, but nothin' lately. Not sure how long she's been with Willow."
"A while," Kennedy informed her. "Before I got here - and I was in the first group."
"So…" said Faith. "Are they, like, keepin' it secret or somethin'?"
"Have been," said Kennedy with a shrug. "With her moving into Buffy's room though, I'd say they're sort of easing out of the closet."
"I probably shouldn't have said anything," said the Slayer with a frown.
"I wonder why Buffy didn't want anyone to know," Vi mused.
"B's a little uptight sometimes," Faith said wisely. "It's kinda hard to balance between bein' the Slayer and bein' a person. Makes it harder to trust people…"
"And somehow, I think we've gotten back to you again," Kennedy realized.
"Yeah, well, maybe we should get back off of me."
"Okay," Kennedy allowed. "Vi," she turned again to the redhead, "you never answered the question."
"Qu-question?" Vi tried.
"Faith wanted to know if you and I were gay," Kennedy reminded her.
"Didn't really need an answer," Faith pointed out. "I think even a Bringer could see that she's totally hot for you."
"Is she right, Vi?" Kennedy requested gently.
"You mean you don't - oh…" Faith sighed softly.
"Um, well, I…" said Vi disjointedly.
"I think she's waitin' for you to bring it," said Faith helpfully.
I believe her exact words were, 'I like her' and 'she's got what it takes; she just needs to bring it.'
Vi looked nervously into Kennedy's eyes. In the next moment, she grasped the brunette's face with both hands and pressed their lips together in an awkwardly passionate kiss. Lingering for a moment, she savored the feeling before slowly pulling back to examine Kennedy's reaction.
"Okay." Kennedy smacked her lips thoughtfully. "That needs work."
"Huh?" Vi's eyes widened in terror.
"We'll have to practice," said Kennedy with a smile. "Together… A lot." Vi smiled back brightly.
"So," said Faith, "that's you two, B, Willow…"
"You," Kennedy added.
"I said I thought about it once," Faith countered. "And I wasn't exactly out for burgers last night."
"That's still only five," Amanda told them. "I think that's decisively not everyone."
"I think there could be others," Kennedy reasoned.
"Still," Amanda continued, "I mean, I'm not the only straight person, right? We definitely know Anya's straight."
"I wouldn't be so sure," replied Kennedy.
"But she's so - vocal about - you know, Xander." Amanda cringed as she reflected on the idea.
"Yeah," Faith mused with a grin. "Whenever she starts talkin' about gettin' all sweaty with Xander like that, I just remind her that I had him first. Shuts her right the hell up."
"Even without the sex talk," said Kennedy, "what's the point? Studying demon hot zones and pressure points doesn't do a hell of a lot of good when preacher man's out there, ready to finish the job he started."
"No one's come up with any info on Caleb yet?" Faith questioned.
"No, nothing is working," Amanda said sadly. "Not research, not Anya's contacts."
"We're lousy with dead ends around her," Kennedy agreed readily. "Everyone's feeling pretty pointless. We don't even have a place to start."
"Hey," Buffy's voice called from the front door, "who's here?"
"Hey, Buffy," Dawn replied, following Buffy from the living room to the dining room as Faith and Amanda entered from the kitchen. "How's Xander?"
"He's doing really well," Buffy said tonelessly. "He's ready to come home, I think." She smiled bravely as she opened the file Willow had given her.
"Kennedy and Vi are makin' out in the kitchen," Faith said informatively; Dawn's eyes widened. "Whatcha got, B?"
"Guys!" Buffy shouted in the direction of the kitchen. "I'm happy for you, but save it for later." She stared down at the file folder again. "Info that Giles and Willow were able to pull off the police database," explained Buffy as Kennedy and Vi entered the room, the latter blushing bright pink. Dawn gave Vi a thumbs up. "We figured with Caleb's, you know, overt religiosity thing if we wanna learn more about him, let's find out where he's been."
"'Incidents of violence and vandalism'," Faith read out, "'connected to California religious institutions in the last ten years.' Looks like this gives us a place to start," she added, meeting Kennedy's eyes meaningfully.
"Yeah," Buffy agreed with Faith's statement. "I figure we start with California. We don't find anything there, we'll expand the search. But a guy like Caleb didn't just get in the game. He's been playing for a while and I wanna know where. Whatever it takes." Turning to Dawn, she asked, "You good to help?"
"Well, I was gonna do lots and lots of homework," Dawn replied sarcastically, "but, darn the luck, they went and cancelled school." Buffy passed Dawn a stack of papers. "So, looks like I got the time."
"Good," said Buffy shortly, turning to her own stack.
"Hey, Buffy…" Dawn prompted as she had a seat. "How was Xander's mood, you know, exactly?" The Slayer silently shuffled her papers. "And did you get a chance to talk to the doctor about the meds? Because it seemed like-"
"Hey, pipsqueak," Faith interrupted, "why don't you go get some of the stuff you've already gotten from Giles?"
"Or, um," Dawn mumbled awkwardly, "we can talk about this later, maybe."
"Okay," Buffy replied, still not looking away from her work.
"Yeah, I'll be right back." Quietly, Dawn left the room.
"Try to find anything that looks like Caleb," Buffy instructed the group. "His church, his ring…"
"His ability to render a Slayer useless in just one punch," said Kennedy. Faith frowned. Buffy looked up, pain and confusion in her eyes. "I didn't - that was stupid," Kennedy amended quickly. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that."
"Uh, it's okay," Buffy said, standing and trying to correct her troubled expression. "Um…you know, I-I have to go to the school and pick up the rest of my stuff." She turned toward the door.
"I really didn't mean-"
"It's fine," Buffy insisted. "Really, it's fine." Frowning slightly, she added, "Hey, uh…isn't Anya doing that thing for you guys today?"
"Yeah," said Kennedy quietly. "We were. We probably should head down there now." She grasped Vi's hand.
"Okay. I'll be back soon," said the Slayer as Kennedy, Vi, and Amanda left the room. "See that everyone gets started on this," she told Faith, turning to leave.
"Yeah," said Faith softly. She studied the papers quietly as the front door closed.
"Hey." Dawn returned to the dining room and her face fell when she realized Faith was the only one left. "Where'd everyone go?"
"Wannabes went back downstairs," Faith informed her. "And Buffy went to get her stuff from the school."
"She left?" asked Dawn, frowning thoughtfully.
Buffy won't choose you.
"But - she just got here," the teen protested. "A-and we were gonna talk…"
"Not always about you, kid," Faith mumbled, rifling through a few pages. "Hey, you think we have any Hot Pockets left?"
:::
"Raise." Willow pushed two blue chips forward on the table.
"Oh come on, Will," Xander challenged. "I'd bet my other eye that you're bluffing."
"Call it then," said Willow boldly.
Xander looked down at his cards then up at Willow's face. Silently, he pushed two chips forward.
"Show," he instructed.
They laid their cards out on the table. Xander had a pair of kings; Willow had four twos.
"Gah!" complained the carpenter.
"So," said Willow as she raked in the chips, "do you wanna give me that eye now or later?"
"Later," Xander said shortly. "I still need to fill out the application for Bringer school."
"You know, I heard they're recruiting," Willow stated matter-of-factly.
"So, another hand or-"
"Deal me in," said a voice from the doorway.
"Buffy!" Willow exclaimed as she turned. "Oh my God," she added, taking in the Slayer's haggard state. "Are you okay?" Standing, she crossed to the doorway.
"Deal me in," repeated the Slayer, limping into the room and pulling up a chair. Xander set a small stack of chips in front of Buffy's seat and began dealing the cards.
"Buffy…" said Willow again as the two of them took their seats.
"I'm okay," she answered reassuringly. "Okay enough anyway."
"Plannin' to tell us what happened?" Xander prompted as he finished dealing.
"Had a religious experience," said Buffy, rolling her head from shoulder to shoulder stiffly.
"Caleb?" Willow questioned anxiously. "Is everyone okay?"
"I was at the school," Buffy replied.
"Man," Xander mused, "preachers in schools. It really is the end of the world."
"Is it the Seal?" Willow guessed. "Do we need to try shutting it again?"
"Relax guys," Buffy said reassuringly. "I'm working on a plan."
"Will," Xander said quietly, "your bet."
"Oh." Willow glanced briefly at her cards. "Check."
"Check," Buffy seconded.
"Same here," Xander decided. "How many cards?"
"Um…two," said Willow, placing two cards face down on the table. "Buffy, what's going on?"
"Three," said the Slayer, adding her cards. "Caleb tipped his hand."
"One," Xander supplied. "And what's he holding?"
"Check," said Willow again. "When do we get to find about the plan?"
"When I'm ready to tell the whole group." Buffy tossed a chip into the middle of the table. "And when you get home," she added to Xander, who pushed two chips forward.
"Still waitin' for the all-clear from Dr. Kallet," Xander informed her.
"I'm glad you came back," Willow said warmly, meeting Xander's bet.
"Sorry for bailing - again," said the Slayer. "Raise." She set two more chips on the table.
"I-I know it's hard for you," Willow offered.
"Raise," said Xander, putting three chips in.
"Fold." Willow set her cards down with a pout. "So, were the police files any help?"
"Don't know," said Buffy shortly. "Maybe there'll be something, but it doesn't change the endgame. I know what we need to do. Call."
"Show 'em," Xander stated, laying out his cards. He had three eights and two fours.
"Not bad…" Buffy nodded at Xander's cards. "Queen's over sixes," she said smugly, laying out her own full house. "And Xander…" she added as she raked in the chips, "I want you to know - I'm sorry."
"I'll win 'em back," Xander answered with a smile.
"You know what I mean," Buffy countered flatly.
"Not your fault, Buff," said Xander softly as he began shuffling the cards. "It sucks, but I'll deal."
"I feel bad, Xand," the Slayer explained. "I feel terrible and I can barely even take the time to feel it because I have to keep saving the stupid world. I hope you both know that I'd rather be with you guys. The world's mostly crappy anyway."
"I tried to destroy it," Willow pointed out casually, "but you guys were all, 'Oh no, don't do that.'"
And they laughed.
:::
The band played fast and loud. Faith swayed seductively to the rhythm, earning the attention of every male within sight of her. Dawn, Kennedy, and Vi were a few paces away, eagerly enjoying the music and rocking out to the beat.
"What kind of band plays during an apocalypse?" Kennedy questioned.
"I think this band might actually be one of the signs," answered Dawn, happy to lose herself in the music.
"Rock city news…" Vi sang along softly as she swayed in place and sipped her soda. Her eyes were drawn to the Slayer, moving fluidly on the dance floor.
"She's pretty hot, huh?" Kennedy said quietly in Vi's ear.
"Oh!" Vi averted her eyes quickly. "No. I-I was just."
"Chill," said Kennedy firmly. "You gotta ease up, okay?"
"Sorry."
"I think she's hot too," Kennedy pointed out. "Is that okay?"
"Um, I guess so," replied Vi with a shrug.
"I also think you're hot." She traced a finger along Vi's bottom lip. "And you're the one I wanna be with."
"Okay, Faith's hot," Vi admitted with a blush.
"I'm not so into the dancing," Kennedy explained, "but I think I could show you some - moves - if you're interested."
"I'm interested," said Vi softly, looking into Kennedy's eyes. "Oh God, am I interested."
They leaned in and started kissing.
:::
"Fold," said Xander, throwing his cards down on the table.
"You guys are chickens," Buffy stated, raking in another stack of chips. "I only had a pair of aces."
"Still beats mine," Xander informed her.
"Oh, I could've won," Willow lamented.
"I'll make it up to you sometime," the Slayer assured her in a suggestive tone.
"Ah, my eye, how I miss you so," Xander sighed dramatically.
"You know, maybe I'll order the girls to have a pillow fight," said Buffy thoughtfully.
"It's about time we put them to good use," added Willow with a nod.
"Okay, I am awake, right?" asked Xander.
"Yes," Buffy told him with a smile. "We're joking."
"We are?" said Willow. "I was gonna suggest mud-wrestling next. You went and got my hopes up for nothing."
"Well, maybe you and I can-"
"Hey," said another voice.
Anya walked into the room.
"Oh," she added at the sight of Buffy. "Didn't realize you were here, Buffy."
"Hey," the Slayer returned Anya's greeting as she got out of her chair. "You can take over my chips if you want."
"You headin' out?" Xander inquired.
"Yeah," said Buffy with a sigh. "Back to Slayer mode, I think."
"Don't leave on my account," Anya mumbled.
"Hey," Buffy said softly, placing a hand on Anya's shoulder. "I'm not avoiding you or anything, okay? I know you think we're not friends, but - I respect you, Anya. Really, I do. And I'm sorry for my part in - well, I'm sorry." She turned back to Xander. "I'll see you at home, okay?"
"Yeah," said Xander with a nod.
"You too," she offered, turning to Willow and leaning in for a kiss.
"I love you, Buffy," said Willow as they separated.
"I love you too." Buffy sighed and headed for the door. "Time to round up the troops."
:::
"Hey," Buffy called as she walked in the door. "Guys, how's it-" She looked around and observed that the house was empty. "-going?"
"Buffy," said Giles from the dining room. "Are you hurt?"
"Oh…" Buffy limped slightly as she turned. "Caleb came back looking for seconds."
"My God," Giles said concernedly, "is h-he-"
"Still able to make me see cartoon birdies all around my head?" Buffy supplied as she entered the dining room. "You betcha. The short lack of consciousness was nice. I feel rested." She took a seat at the head of the table. "So…how did those police files work out? Were they helpful?"
"Uh - uh - yes," Giles stammered; Buffy's eyes narrowed. "Very much so, I think. Um - there's evidence that Caleb may have established a foothold up north."
"That's great," said Buffy tonelessly. "That's-"
"I, um… I sent Spike to look into it." The Watcher quietly picked up a mug from the table and sipped from it.
"Spike?" Buffy realized why Giles was stammering. "Is this a mission from which you intend Spike to return alive," she asked sharply.
"Yes." Giles set down his mug again. "I sent Andrew with him."
"Again I ask the question," Buffy countered.
"Buffy, you weren't here," Giles reasoned. "Decisions have to be made in your absence."
"Yeah, well, those are the ones that have been scaring me," said Buffy frankly.
"I did what I thought was right," defended the Watcher.
"You sent away one of the people who's actually watching my back - again."
"We're all watching your back," Giles retorted, brow furrowed.
"Funny…" Buffy mused. "That's not really what it feels like." Pushing back her chair, the Slayer turned to leave the room.
"Buffy-"
"Where is everyone?" asked the Slayer.
"What?"
"Faith," Buffy clarified. "The girls. Where are they?"
"Um…" Buffy's eyes narrowed further at the syllable. "Faith thought that the girls could do with some time off their studies. I-I thought… She took them to the Bronze."
Buffy sighed and walked back through the front door again.
:::
"Faith!" Buffy exclaimed as her fellow Slayer slammed a police officer into a wall. "What are you doing?" demanded the blonde.
"Just blowin' off steam," said Faith with a shrug. "Well, it started that way. Turned when the cops went evil on us."
A line of girls spilled out of the door to the Bronze, gathering around Buffy and Faith.
"Girls, go home," Buffy said shortly, still glaring at Faith.
"Buffy," Dawn defended, "we weren't-"
"Dawn - you too. Go."
Buffy won't choose you.
Dawn walked off, frowning to herself.
"What is this?" Buffy snapped at Faith.
"They needed a break, alright?" the brunette replied moodily. "They've been running themselves into the ground. Things just got out of hand."
"Taking a break is one thing - I get blowing off steam," Buffy assured her. "But they were fighting. And those girls were drunk! What were you thinking?"
"Seemed like a good idea at the time," replied Faith, shrugging again.
"Yeah?" Buffy challenged. "What if someone had gotten hurt?"
"They didn't."
"Faith, I need to know that these girls are gonna be safe when I'm not around," Buffy tried to explain.
"No one got hurt, B," Faith retorted hotly. "Look, you don't even know these girls. Maybe you should have a little more confidence in 'em, let 'em mess up sometimes, ya know, get down and dirty. How the hell else are they gonna learn?"
"Learning from your mistakes is one thing," Buffy protested. "But you don't throw children into-"
"They're not children," responded Faith.
"That really isn't the point." Turning, Buffy started walking away.
"What about the vineyard?" Faith called after her.
Buffy stopped.
"What?" she asked coldly.
"How safe were they when you dragged them off to meet Caleb?" said Faith angrily. "How safe was Rona or Amanda or Molly?"
Buffy rounded on the other Slayer and punched her face, knocking her to the ground. Faith touched her face softly, staring at the blonde Slayer's retreat with anger and pain in her eyes.
:::
"Look - guys…" Buffy began awkwardly as she hung a banner bearing the words 'Welcome Home' over the fireplace. "I want you to know I'm not mad at you," she told the collection of potential Slayers in the living room as she turned to face them. "I get wanting to unwind - it's important."
"Coulda fooled me," Rona mumbled mutinously.
"I'm sorry," said the Slayer quietly. "I know I work you all really hard - and there's a reason for that. It's important that you know what being the Slayer is. Evil has one good day and one of you might be the next chosen one. But there's more than what I've shown you. Being the Slayer isn't just about being the hero.
"I've known three Slayers," she continued softly. "Me, Faith…and a girl called Kendra." Sighing heavily, she looked around at her audience, seeing casual interest on most faces and rapt attention on a few. "Kendra was the Slayer before Faith. I know you guys think I'm uptight - and sometimes I am. Well, I thought Kendra was uptight. She wouldn't hold for anything that distracted from her calling. She told me that emotions are weakness. And I'm gonna tell you guys what I told her… My emotions give me power. They're total assets.
"Being the Slayer means finding the balance. Your life is more than your calling, but the calling is always there. I don't always show you guys my emotions… I don't ever show you guys my emotions. Because, you know what - I'm scared too. And I don't like for people to see that. But don't think that I don't feel anything. I'm sorry for what happened at the vineyard. It kills me inside." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Everything I've done - my whole life for months - every choice I make…it's all about trying to do what's best for you girls. I want all of you to be safe - and I can't make that happen until we beat this thing. That's why we attacked the vineyard last night. And it ended in pain and loss and I'm sorry...
"One good day," she said again. "That's all they need. The First, Caleb, a Turok-Han, a Bringer, or even an ordinary vampire. They have one good day and that's it. I'm gone. Faith's gone. You're the Slayer. It's a very real possibility. I'm trying to prepare you for that possibility. I'm trying to keep all of you safe. As helpful as emotions are, sometimes the Slayer has to be cut off, has to be impersonal, has to push it all away, leave it for later…
"You guys have all met Faith," Buffy noted. "I think she'd tell you the same. She was the anti-Kendra. She's better now, but back in the day - it was never about the calling. She got thirty-one flavors of power and it was all about the thrill. And it can be thrilling. But again, it's about the balance. Faith had to learn that the hard way. Kendra got the easy option. Faith has to live with the things she's done - the mistakes she's made. Kendra lost sight of her life and she lost it. Faith lost sight of the mission - she had one bad day…
"I don't blame her. It was an accident. I don't even blame her for how she handled it - at first. And I think she's learned from it. She'd tell you the same now - find the balance. She pisses me off a lot - but she's learning how it works. And that's not to say I'm perfect," she qualified quickly. "I'm not the shining example of perfect balance that I wish I could be. I'm just trying - the same as anyone. I want you all to understand these things…before I tell you what our next move is.
"Take some time. Think about what I've told you. I can't guarantee that you'll all survive the things to come. I can't even guarantee that I'll survive. My only guarantee is that I will always do everything I can to make this world a safer place for you. None of you asked for this responsibility. No one signs on for the life they get. The question is - what are you gonna make out of what you have? So take some time and figure that out. We'll get together again when the others get back from the hospital and talk about what's next."
:::
Xander walked carefully through the front door, Willow and Anya on either side of him, Robin and Faith following behind. As they made their way into the living room, he caught sight of the 'Welcome Home' banner.
"Oh God," he offered sentimentally.
"We didn't have time to do more," Kennedy informed him. "You have to pretend there's a big party here."
Dawn stepped forward and embraced Xander in a lasting, tight hug.
"That's fine," answered Xander. "Parties in this house, I usually end up having to - rebuild something."
"Welcome home, Xander." Buffy placed a hand on his shoulder as she entered from the dining room. "How are you?" she asked as they hugged.
"Disappointed by the lack of a pillow fight," said Xander gently.
"Okay," Buffy said softly, understanding the meaning behind the light humor. They pulled apart and the Slayer turned to her girlfriend. "How about you, Will?"
"Happy to be home," the witch responded as they embraced. "And you?"
"Happy to see you," said Buffy. "Grimly resigned and determined about the rest."
"I believe in you, Buffy."
"I'm glad you're home. I wanted everyone to be here for this," the Slayer explained. "I think you'll all be interested to know what I've found out," she added at a slightly raised volume, calling the potential Slayers to attention. She turned to face them, standing next to Willow in the doorway as Xander took a seat.
"So…what did you find out?" Willow prompted gently.
"I-it's about the cellar," Buffy began. "Look, I know that night wasn't fun for any of us… But I figured something out about that place and I realize now what we have to do." Concerned and inquisitive glances met these words. "We're going back in."
:::
"Look, I know what you're thinking," Buffy said quickly, hoping to quell the mutinous glares she was receiving from half the room, "but I had a visit at the school today from Caleb."
"Buffy," Dawn said concernedly, "why didn't you-"
"I'm fine," Buffy cut her off. "I mean, it wasn't fun, but I'm fine. I'm better than fine," she amended. "I-I figured something out. He kept making all this noise about the school."
"Is it that Seal again?" Robin questioned, standing in the corner next to Faith.
"No, that's just it," said the Slayer. "We've spent all this time worrying about the Seal and the Hellmouth. Why isn't Caleb guarding them? Why is he camped out at the vineyard? The bad guys always go where the power is. So if the Seal is so important to Caleb and The First, they would be there right now. They're protecting the vineyard - or something at the vineyard. I say it's their power - and I say it's time we go in and take it away from them."
"Or, in the alternative," Faith suggested, "how 'bout - we don't?" Buffy glared. "I mean, it's a neat theory, B, but I'm not goin' back in that place, not without proof, and neither should you and neither should they," she added with a gesture toward the potentials.
"I'm not saying it's gonna be easy," Buffy began.
"I think Faith had the floor," defended Robin.
Both Slayers glanced at him and then back at each other.
"Maybe it ends okay the way you wanna play it," continued Faith, "but maybe it doesn't. And right now, I don't think I want you playin' the odds."
"Did you come here to fight?" Buffy challenged.
"Listen, we're fighters, all of us," said Faith, "but you gotta give me something to fight. Something real, not…"
"Windmills," Giles supplemented softly.
"There is something there," Buffy stated firmly, rounding on her former Watcher.
"Maybe," said Giles plainly. "But we can't be sure of that. This is a hell of a lot to ask."
"Too much," Robin agreed.
"I-I don't understand this," said Buffy, glancing around the room nervously. "For seven years, I've kept us safe by doing this - exactly this - making the hard decisions. And now, what - suddenly you're all acting like you can't trust me?"
"Didn't you say to me today, you can't trust us?" Giles responded. "Maybe there's something there that should be addressed."
"Fine." Buffy threw up her hands in frustration. "Yes, I have trust issues. But this isn't a therapy session; this is about the mission and I know what I'm doing."
"Do you?" Rona countered. "I think you're being reckless."
"What?"
"You are!" she insisted. "I don't even know you and I can tell! You are so obsessed with beating Caleb, you are willing to jump into any plan without thinking."
"Rona," Willow interrupted quietly, "you just said it - you don't know her."
"That's not what I'm doing," Buffy added.
"Well, that's how it feels to us," Kennedy explained, leaving her seat on the couch.
"Kennedy…" Willow said gently.
"Look," Kennedy spoke to Willow, "I know that you wanna support her - but aren't you worried about her judgment at all."
"Not in the slightest," replied Willow devoutly. "I trust her - more completely than ever."
"Guys," Buffy's voice was quiet, but fervent. "Look, I wish this could be a democracy. I really do. Democracies don't win battles. It's a hard truth, but there has to be a single voice. You need someone to issue orders and be reckless sometimes and not take your feelings into account. You need someone to lead you."
"And it's automatically you," Anya noted. "You really do think you're better than we are."
"No, I-"
"But we don't know," Anya pressed. "We don't know if you're actually better. I mean, you came into the world with certain advantages, sure. I mean, that's the legacy."
"I-"
"But you didn't earn it."
"Anya!" cried Willow indignantly.
"You didn't work for it," said Anya, undeterred. "You've never had anybody come up to you and say you deserve these things more than anyone else. They were just handed to you. So that doesn't make you better than us. It makes you luckier than us."
"Lucky?" Buffy demanded coldly. "You wanna talk about how lucky I am?"
"Buffy…" Willow said softly.
"Do you want this life?" the Slayer challenged. "Do any of you want this life?" she added, gesturing to the potentials. "Take it. I didn't ask for it - take it. Kill me and kill Faith and take it."
"Buffy," Willow repeated urgently.
"Does any of you know how many times I've wanted to quit?"
"I do, Buffy," said Willow, placing her hands on the Slayer's shoulders.
"I know you do," Buffy assured her quickly. "Guys," she continued, "I'm not the Slayer because of the power. I told you, it's more than that. I'm the Slayer because I use that power and because I accept the responsibility - because I answered the call… I've gotten us this far."
"But not without a price," Xander said darkly.
"Xander…"
"I'm trying to see your point here, Buff," he told her. "Really, I am…but I guess it must be a little bit to my left…" he shook his head sadly, "'cause I just don't."
"Look, I'm willing to talk strategy, okay," the Slayer said levelly. "I'll hear suggestions on how to break this down, but this is the plan. We have to be together on this or we will fail again."
"We are clearly demonstrating that we are not together on this!" Giles protested.
"Which is why you need to fall in line," Buffy said commandingly. "I'm still in charge here."
"Why is that exactly?" Rona argued.
"Because I'm the Slayer."
"And isn't Faith a Slayer too?" She gestured toward Faith's corner of the room.
"What?" said Faith suddenly, caught off guard by the implication. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. So not what I meant. I'm not in charge chick. I think B here needs to just - chill out for a little bit - take a siesta or something. But I'm not the one you want."
"Maybe we just need-" Willow began.
"Maybe we need a vote," Kennedy suggested, "to see who wants Faith to have a turn in charge."
"No!" said Buffy and Willow together.
"No, what?" Kennedy questioned.
"Faith just said she didn't want it," explained Willow.
"No," Buffy repeated. "You don't get to vote until I've had my chance to pal around, you know, get everybody drunk. See, I didn't get that this was a popularity contest. I should have equal time to bake them cookies, braid their hair-"
"Learn their names," Faith supplied.
"You're loving this, aren't you?" said Buffy with a sardonic laugh.
"You have no idea what I'm feeling," countered Faith with cold indignation.
"Buffy," Willow tried, "she has a-"
"Come in here," Buffy ranted at her fellow Slayer, "take everything I have…"
"Buffy," said Willow more firmly. "This isn't about Faith."
"Isn't it?" Buffy persisted. "Which one of us do you guys think is more likely to turn our back when the going gets rough?"
"Buffy, that's enough!" Giles insisted loudly.
"I didn't come here to take anything away from you," Faith contested, "but I'm not gonna be your little lapdog either. I came here to beat the other guy, to do right, however it works. I don't know if I can lead. But the real question is - can you follow?"
"So we vote," said Robin plainly.
"Wait," Buffy requested. "Guys…" Looking around her, she saw resentment on nearly every face.
"I'm here for you, Buffy," Willow pledged, observing the same unnerving emotions in the rest of the group.
"Guys…" she tried again, swallowing nervously. "I can't watch you just throw away everything that…" She looked to Xander and Dawn, the latter of whom would not meet her glance. They both kept their silence. "I know I'm right about this," the Slayer insisted. "I just need a little…"
"You guys don't know Buffy," Willow addressed them quietly. "But you need to trust her."
"Like we don't know why you're defending her," Anya challenged.
"I'm defending her because I trust her," returned Willow calmly.
"And you don't think she can make mistakes?" asked Kennedy.
"She can. She has. She's human," Willow acknowledged. "If you're expecting perfection then you deserve to be disappointed."
"I already told you guys I'm not perfect," said Buffy sadly.
"What, like you thought one more speech would win us over?" Rona retorted.
"That's not what that was," Buffy argued. "You guys need to accept that I'll do whatever it takes to make this stop."
"We all want that," Giles pointed out.
"Then I'm your girl," stated the Slayer. "I know what needs to be done… I've devoted myself to all of you - to the mission - and yet you guys seem ready to dismiss that… I can't stay here and watch her lead you into some disaster."
"Buffy…" Willow's tone was soft and concerned.
At Buffy's last words, Dawn stood. Slowly, the teen paced across the room, standing face to face with her sister.
"Then you can't stay here," she said softly.
"Dawn!" Willow cautioned firmly, her jaw going rigid.
Buffy stared blankly at her sister.
"Buffy, I love you, but you were right," Dawn continued. "We have to be together on this. You can't be a part of it." She took a breath. Buffy blinked once in stunned disbelief. "So I need you to leave."
"No!" Willow protested, hands balling into fists at her side. "Don't you dare, Dawn."
"I'm sorry, but this is my house too."
"How could you?" Willow demanded. "You should know better than anyone - Buffy?" The Slayer turned away from the group. "Buffy!" Willow grasped her wrist. Buffy pulled away and began walking toward the door.
"NO!" Willow threw up a barrier, impeding the Slayer's progress. "Dawnie," she turned back to face the teen, "tell her to stay," she pleaded, tears springing to her eyes. Buffy continued to stare blankly at the barrier.
*Let me out, please.* Buffy's thoughts echoed in the witch's mind.
"Don't make me choose," Willow begged both of them.
*Don't choose me,* thought Buffy.
Willow stepped closer to the Slayer.
"I won't let you shut me out, Buffy." The barrier dropped as Willow took Buffy's hand a second time. "If you're going - then I'm with you."
Buffy made no protest, simply reaching forward and opening the door. Together they stepped out into the night. The group was silently ponderous as the door closed.
Slowly, Buffy and Willow walked to the edge of the porch, only to freeze again as the door opened behind them.
"Hey," said Faith quietly. "Look, I swear I didn't want it to go this way-"
"Don't," Buffy said thickly through her tears.
"I mean it, I-"
"Faith," Willow offered, "maybe you should-"
"Don't…" Buffy said again, "be afraid to lead them. Whether you wanted it or not, their lives are yours. It's only gonna get harder. Protect them," she turned her tearstained face to the other Slayer, "but lead them."
Faith returned silently to the house as Buffy and Willow went off into the night.
:::
Next Chapter: Touched
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