FIC: Echoes of Faith - Chapter 5
Fandom: BtVS/Dollhouse
Title: Echoes of Faith
Chapter 5: Faithful Echo
Characters/Pairing: Buffy/“Faith”, Echo
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Mild angst. Incidental nudity.
Summary: Echo tries to sort things out.
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Sierra: I try to be my best.
Echo: Are you?
Sierra: Excuse me?
Echo: Are you your best?
Sierra: I’m not sure how to know that.
Echo: I think, if you always try, that’s best.
-from Dollhouse S01E04: Gray Hour-
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Echo blinked slowly as she awoke. The first thing she noticed was that this definitely wasn’t her pod. This was a large and especially squishy bed that made her feel almost like she was sinking. It seemed like most of the people Echo visited had beds like this; Echo thought she probably preferred the pods. The room was very dark and someone nearby was breathing strangely. Sierra used to make those type of breathing sounds when she cried. A soft, white light filled the room through the glass in the walls and Echo’s eyes began to adjust as she blinked a few more times.
The strange, shallow breaths continued and Echo tried to remember what they were called. She thought they might be called sods, but she also thought that was probably wrong. Then she remembered that sods was what Martin had called his friends. Paul liked to ask questions about Martin. The blonde girl had asked about Paul. The blonde girl was sobbing. Sobs! That was it.
Echo sat up to get a better view of the room. It became apparent that the blonde girl had turned on a lamp as Echo noticed the dim yellow light that covered part of the room. The blonde girl was sitting at the edge of the bed with her back to Echo. She had a very pretty back. Realizing that they were both naked, Echo suddenly started to remember some of the things that they had done together. Topher had made her gray again. No, that wasn’t right; she was having trouble with words today. Gay. Topher had made her gay. Topher made lots of people gay.
She watched the blonde girl and tried to remember her name. And then she tried to remember her own name; who had they made her this time? Sometimes it made her head hurt when she tried to remember things. Faith. Why had Faith gone away? Usually that only happened in the chair. Echo thought she would probably need to get Faith back before her next treatment. Where was she hiding? There was something different about this imprint.
The blonde girl continued to quietly sob and no matter how hard she tried to remember her name, all Echo could come up with was the letter “B”. That couldn’t be right, could it? Echo felt sad for B; people didn’t usually sob after her engagements.
“Are you sad?” Echo asked her.
B’s shoulders jumped and she turned around to face Echo with curiosity in her tearstained face. She looked confused. Echo thought maybe it was because of her voice; Faith had spoken differently.
“Faith, I’m sorry,” B mumbled, wiping her eyes with her hands, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“I don’t mind,” Echo assured her.
“Are you - feeling okay,” asked B, looking a little bit confused again.
Echo was unsure of what to do. B would probably realize that she wasn’t Faith sooner or later. Should she go ahead and tell her? Would she get in trouble for not being Faith?
“I’m fine,” Echo began hesitantly, “but I’m not Faith anymore.”
“Oh!” B’s eyebrows went really high on her forehead. “I didn’t - does that - is that normal?”
Echo tilted her head thoughtfully.
“I don’t understand,” she replied.
“I mean, do you usually change back?” B prompted. “Am I supposed to - call your handler or something?”
“Please don’t,” Echo requested. “They won’t like it if I’m not Faith.”
“Okay, so it’s not normal then,” B reasoned. “But maybe they can help you.”
“They don’t want to help me,” said Echo sadly. “I can get Faith back,” she insisted, “just give me a little time. You wouldn’t like Adelle when she’s angry.”
“Good point,” B agreed, “I wouldn’t want her to think it’s my fault.” Her eyes got big again. “It’s not my fault, is it?”
“I don’t think so,” Echo responded thoughtfully.
“Okay. Good,” said B. “I guess I’ll just - let you do your thing then.”
“She’ll come out when she’s ready,” said Echo, “I’d like to talk to you, B.”
“Oh, not you too,” B sounded unhappy.
“I’m sorry,” said Echo quickly, “B is all I can remember.”
“I’m not surprised,” answered the blonde with a roll of her eyes. “She - uh - Faith likes to call me ‘B’ a lot. My name’s actually Buffy.”
“Oh,” said Echo shortly. “But if you don’t like it then why did you ask them to make me like that?”
“Well - Faith is someone I know,” Buffy explained, “and I needed you to be her.”
“Is she dead?” asked Echo somewhat bluntly, thinking of how Joel had liked to visit with Rebecca. If Faith were dead, that might also explain the crying.
“No, she’s not,” Buffy answered. “Do you guys get that a lot or something?”
“Just Rebecca and Margaret, I think,” said Echo, “is that a lot?”
“Eh,” said Buffy with a shrug, “I see more dead people than that in a week, most of the time.”
“You do?” Echo questioned in curiosity.
“Long story,” Buffy told her.
“But Faith’s not dead?” Echo verified.
“Right.”
“Then why did you need me to be her?” asked Echo, always eager to learn.
“I…” Buffy opened and shut her mouth a few times. “Because Faith - doesn’t feel the same way about me that I feel about her.”
“Is that why you’re sad?”
“Yeah,” said Buffy softly. “Yeah, that’s why I’m sad.”
“People are usually happier after they’ve been with me,” Echo reflected.
“It’s not your fault,” said Buffy kindly. “I mean, what we did was - nice.”
“It was nice for me too,” Echo assured her. “You’re very good at sex.” It had been very enjoyable and Echo knew that clients liked to hear this. She hoped it would cheer Buffy up some.
“Uh - thanks,” said Buffy as her cheeks turned a light pink color.
Echo watched her expectantly for a moment.
“Doesn’t that make you happy?” she asked.
“Oh, yeah,” said Buffy quickly, “I mean, I’m glad I was good at it.”
“I like to make people happy,” stated Echo.
“Picking up on that,” said Buffy.
“You don’t seem very happy,” Echo observed. “Is there anything I can do?”
“It’s not your job to make me happy,” Buffy told her kindly.
“Isn’t it?”
“I - okay, got me there,” Buffy admitted. “You did everything you were supposed to do.”
“But you’re still not happy.”
“And that’s not your fault, okay?” said Buffy with a sigh. “I’m sad because Faith doesn’t…” she swallowed slowly and her eyes got teary again.
“Because Faith doesn’t want to have sex with you?” Echo guessed.
“Not that,” said Buffy. “Well, not just that,” she corrected. “I - really care about Faith. And being with you helped me realize that I’m in love with her. And she doesn’t love me. That’s why I’m sad. Do you know what it’s like to love someone who doesn’t love you back?”
“I don’t think so,” said Echo thoughtfully. Some of Echo’s imprints had been in love, but they were always loved back.
“Well, it’s not fun,” said Buffy sadly.
“How do you know Faith doesn’t love you?” Echo questioned.
“I…” Buffy thought for a moment. “No one really knows that,” she reasoned, “but I’ve spent a lot of time with her and I don’t think she feels the same way.”
“I think she does,” said Echo simply. “When I was her, I loved you.”
“That’s because I asked them to make you that way.”
“I don’t think they had to do very much,” Echo countered. “I can see the gaps when things aren’t filled in. I think Faith really has those feelings inside of her.”
“No,” said Buffy firmly. “Don’t do this. Don’t - give me false hope.”
“False hope?” asked Echo blankly.
“I can’t keep hoping for things that aren’t going to happen,” Buffy insisted. “This whole thing was supposed to be about putting Faith behind me.”
“But why would you do that if she can make you happy?” Echo didn’t understand why Buffy was so determined to be sad.
“She doesn’t love me!” Buffy snapped. “You think you know because you had my - my twisted fantasy version of her in your head, but you don’t.”
“Maybe I don’t,” Echo admitted, “but you said that you don’t either. Why wouldn’t you want to know for sure?”
“If I thought she was interested, I wouldn’t have even come here.”
“But what does she think?” said Echo plainly. “The only way to find out is to ask her.”
“I can’t,” Buffy denied flatly.
“Why not?”
“I can’t risk everything we - things are always so - it would only make things worse,” she finished sadly.
“I don’t understand,” said Echo. “What could be worse than thinking she doesn’t love you?”
“Knowing it,” Buffy whispered.
“I think knowing is better than not knowing,” said Echo sagely. “Not knowing is making you feel worse.”
“I just want to move on,” Buffy sighed. “There’s no need to rock the boat.”
“She has a boat?”
“Metaphor,” Buffy explained. “Sorry, I guess that was a bit over your head. It just means I don’t want to make things difficult between us. If she doesn’t love me back then we wouldn’t be able to be friends either. And I really want to keep her as a friend, even if there can’t be anything else between us.”
“Why wouldn’t you be able to be friends?” Echo questioned, still unclear on what Buffy was afraid of.
“Because - love makes things really complicated,” said Buffy. “Once love becomes part of the equation, people can’t be just friends anymore.”
“But why?”
“That’s just how it works,” said Buffy gently. “Love and friendship just don’t mesh.”
“I think they do mesh,” Echo argued. “If ‘mesh’ means what I think it means. Friendship is a kind of love, isn’t it? I think if Faith is really your friend then you can still have friend-love even if she doesn’t want sex-love.”
“It sounds nice, but it doesn’t really work like that.”
“But it should,” Echo protested. “It doesn’t make sense that people spend so much time stopping themselves from being happy. Don’t you think you would be happier if Faith knew how you feel?”
“I…” Buffy looked confused again.
“It seems like you just want to be sad,” Echo observed.
“It’s not like that,” Buffy assured her. “It’s just - really scary when you don’t know.”
“Isn’t that why you should talk to her?” Echo pointed out. “I don’t think things will be as bad as you think they will. When you’re afraid, things usually seem worse than they really are.”
“Maybe that’s true,” said Buffy, “but I have good reasons for my fear. Faith and I have a lot of history.”
“I know.”
“You do?”
“Yes,” said Echo thoughtfully as she felt Faith stirring in the back of her thoughts.
“You okay?” asked Buffy.
“She’s coming back.”
“Faith?” Buffy questioned.
“I can feel her.” Echo paused in thought. “Oh, B,” she reflected sadly as she began seeing flashes of Buffy’s life through Faith’s eyes. “So lonely. Everybody’s looking to me, trusting me to lead them, and I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life. And that’s you every day, isn’t it?”
“Faith,” said Buffy again.
“You should let yourself be happy, Buffy,” Echo persisted, holding up a hand to Buffy’s cheek. “I wish I could have helped you.”
“I…” Buffy swallowed again, fighting another onslaught of tears.
“You don’t have to be afraid,” said Echo reassuringly. “Even if she doesn’t love you, I know she doesn’t want to hurt you anymore. Just tell me how to make it better. She’s so sorry.”
Echo felt her own thoughts fading into the background as she made room for Faith.
“Hey, B,” she said slowly. “What’s the matter?” she asked with concern, seeing the tears welling in Buffy’s eyes.
“I…” Buffy blinked once and the tears spilled over, racing each other down her cheeks. “I think it’s time for your treatment.”
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Buffy sat again at the foot of the bed; she was fully clothed now and still fighting a steady stream of tears. The doll had lost nearly all sense of focus at the mention of a treatment. She had dressed quickly, pausing to complain about the ripped underwear. Only once had she stopped, apparently unsettled by the gloom in Buffy’s face, and she had assurances that she would return right after her treatment. Buffy had dressed as well and escorted the doll to a black van, parked only a block away from the hotel. It was afterwards that Buffy had returned to her room and lost control of the tears. Now she was alone and there was no post-coital “Faith”, no sleeping “Faith”, no dressing “Faith”, and no doll from which to hide the full extent of her emotions.
It was the confusion, most of all that made Buffy cry so hard. There was no real way to know if the doll had been right or if the “Faith” imprint had simply been very well-grafted into Faith’s persona. Buffy repeatedly told herself that if there was any chance that Faith would truly return her feelings, it would be worth the risks. A part of her didn’t want things to be awkward between her and Faith; another part of her was afraid that Faith, instead of being awkward, would find the whole thing amusing. Buffy hated the uncertainty; the constant doubts and fears were debilitating in ways she was not accustomed to. More than anything, she just wished her thoughts would stop.
There was only one thing to be done.
She pulled her cell phone from her pocket and flipped it open. Ignoring the two missed calls, she began to dial. Waiting through several rings, Buffy began drying her eyes on her sleeve.
“Yes, hello,” Buffy greeted thankfully when someone finally answered. “I was hoping to book a flight. How soon can you get me to Cleveland?”
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:::END:::
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