FIC: Closer to the Heart - Chapter 4
Title: Closer to the Heart
Chapter 4: Never Leave Me
Rating: PG-13?
Warnings: If you’re not offended by the episode, you shouldn’t be offended by this fic.
Summary: The Scooby gang tries to find out what’s been pulling Spike’s strings.
Beta: The always magnificent kristina_secret.
A/N: Short one this time. Not a whole lot that could or should be tinkered with in this episode.
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“You were right,” Buffy said to Willow. They stood in the hallway outside Buffy’s room, in which Spike was tied to a chair.
“What about?” Willow asked.
“He’s been feasting on humans for weeks,” Buffy explained. “He’s having some pretty bad withdrawals. I think we need to get him some blood.”
“Do you want me to kill Anya?” Willow suggested with a smile.
“No, we should probably try to wean him off humans,” Buffy stated matter-of-factly. “He’ll have to make do with animal blood.”
“I’ll go get some,” Willow offered.
“You don’t mind?” Buffy was touched by this gesture.
“No, I have to get out of the house,” said the witch. “Xander’s installing the new windows and he keeps giving lectures on proper tool maintenance. Tool talk - not my thing.”
“Thank you,” Buffy said warmly.
*I love you,* she added mentally.
*I love you too,* Willow thought back. *I wish you’d let me say it out loud…*
*I’ll tell him,* promised the Slayer. *Just after things settle down a little bit.*
*I’m sorry,* thought Willow quickly. *I didn’t mean to push. I trust you, Buffy.*
*Thanks.*
“How’re you doing in there?” Willow asked aloud.
“He’s in pretty bad shape,” Buffy said sadly, “past the point where he can tell me anything.”
“I wasn’t asking about him,” Willow clarified.
“I’ll be okay.”
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As the day passed, “okay” was about as much as any of them could claim. First, Willow had turned up with the far-less-than-helpful Andrew, who she had found buying blood at the butcher shop. Then, just as things were settling down, Spike had decided to tear apart a wall in his attempt to drain Andrew.
Buffy sat in a chair in the living room, across from Willow and Dawn, who were on the couch. Spike’s attack on Andrew had her feeling more than a little rattled. Her inner Slayer kept screaming at her to just stake him, but she fought the impulse.
“He didn’t seem to want anything to do with me,” Buffy told the others as she tried to justify keeping him alive. “I mean, he just pushed me aside and charged at the wall.”
“Are you hurt?” Willow asked softly.
Xander and Anya came down the stairs to join in the conversation.
“Not - not really,” Buffy answered Willow.
*Not physically,* she supplied through her thoughts.
Willow got off the couch and squeezed into the chair with Buffy, wrapping her arms around the Slayer.
*I love you,* thought Willow.
*I love you too. Thank you.*
“How is what’s-his-name?” Dawn questioned, turning to face Xander.
“He’s got a good chunk taken out of his neck, but he’ll be alright,” Xander replied. “Had to tie him up again, but mainly just to keep him from scratching at his bandages.” He turned to Buffy. “What the hell happened up there?”
“I-I don’t know,” said Buffy. “Spike and I were having a conversation and he was fine. I mean, you know, as fine as Spike can be,” she clarified. “And then I went to check on you guys,” she nodded toward Xander and Anya, “and when I got back - it was like he was a completely different person.”
“Different like ‘William the Bloody’ type different?” Willow prompted.
“He was talking to someone,” Buffy continued. “I heard through the door, he was having this conversation. And then he started singing.”
“Maybe it’s another musical,” Anya suggested brightly. Buffy stared at her blankly. “A much crappier musical,” she qualified.
“He - he mentioned something about a song in the cellar,” Buffy recalled. “Uh, a-and he changed there, too - I mean instantly became another person.”
“Trigger,” Xander said suddenly.
“The horse?” said Anya.
“No, in his head,” Xander responded. All eyes turned to Xander, waiting for further explanation. “It’s a trigger. It’s a brainwashing term. It’s how the military makes sleeper agents. They -they brainwash operatives and condition them with a specific trigger, like a song,” he pointed out, “that makes ‘em drastically change at a moment’s notice.”
“Is this left over from your days in the Army?” Willow inquired.
“No, this is left over from every Army move I’ve ever seen,” he answered. “But it makes sense. We’ve had ghosts or something haunting us, right? Well, what if Spike’s ghosts figured out a way to - not only to haunt him - what if they figured out how to - how to control him?”
“Spike said he’s been seeing things since I found him in the basement,” Buffy agreed.
“So, he gets his soul back,” said Willow, “he starts seeing spooky things, and he goes extra-extra crazy.”
“This trigger,” Buffy began. “How do we holster - safety, or - I don’t know guns. How do we make it stop?”
“Well, usually the operative completes his task and either blows his head off or steals a submarine.”
Buffy sighed.
“All right,” she said brusquely. “I need information. If Spike’s a bomb, then I need to know how to diffuse him. Dawn, Willow, I wanna know what did this to him. Spirits, ghosts, demons, check the lot of them. Look for anything that could haunt or - or possibly control like this. I need to know exactly what we’re dealing with.”
“And what’re you gonna do?” Willow asked gently.
“I’m gonna keep trying to find out what he knows,” Buffy said plainly.
“I could come with you,” Willow offered.
“I need you researching, okay?” Buffy cupped the witch’s cheek in one hand and they kissed briefly. “Help me that way.”
*Buffy,* Willow thought, *it’s the Slayer that needs to talk to him, right?*
*It’s both,* Buffy admitted. *You know I care about him. But you’re the one I love. Don’t forget that.*
*It’s hard for me,* the witch informed her. Buffy kissed her again. *I’m trying to be supportive, but I’m stressing out.*
*Please don’t worry,* Buffy pleaded with her thoughts and with her eyes. *He’s been through a lot and I feel for him, but it’s not a romantic thing. I really hate that I’m worrying you.*
*You’re not,* Willow thought reassuringly. *Not exactly anyway.*
*I love you. Only you. You are the only person I wanna be with, Will. And I’m sorry I haven’t - shown you that lately.*
*Oh, no, don’t think like that,* Willow countered. *I understand that part. You’ve got so much to deal with.*
*I wish I could make more time for us.*
*I really do understand. Don’t worry about that.*
“Try not to look directly into it,” Dawn advised.
Buffy and Willow turned. Dawn was talking to Xander, who was staring at Willow and Buffy.
“Sorry,” Xander apologized for staring. “Sometimes it’s like you guys are having a conversation with your eyes or something.”
“It’s intense,” Anya added supportively.
“Sorry about that,” Buffy told them as she and Willow stood. “Sometimes I get a little lost in it.”
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“Have you ever really asked yourself why you can’t do it?”
Of course she had asked herself. She could barely ask herself anything else.
“Off me?”
She knew that Spike could be a good man.
“After everything I’ve done to you, to people around you.”
She knew that people could change. That mistakes didn’t make a person evil.
“It’s not love. We both know that.”
Well, at least someone else knew it.
“You fought by my side,” Buffy began. “You’ve saved lives. You’ve helped-”
“Don’t do that.” Spike rolled his eyes impatiently. “Don’t rationalize this into some noble act. We both know the truth of it.” He looked away from the Slayer. “You like men who hurt you.”
“No,” Buffy denied flatly. Could no one understand?
“You need the pain we cause you,” the vampire pressed, returning his gaze to Buffy once more. “You need the hate. You need it to do your job, to be the Slayer.”
“No,” Buffy said again. “I don’t hate like that. Not you or myself. Not anymore.” The last part was more than she had meant to say, but not untrue. “You think you have insight because your soul’s drenched in blood? You don’t know me. You don’t even know you.” And that’s what Buffy wanted to help him with. “Was that you who killed those people in the cellar? Was that you who waited for those girls?”
“There’s no one else.”
“That’s not true,” Buffy argued. Why couldn’t Spike see it? “Listen to me. You’re not alive because of hate or pain. You’re alive because I saw you change,” she assured him softly. “Because I saw your penance.”
Spike lunged forward, chains pulling tightly.
“Window dressing,” he snarled.
“Be easier, wouldn’t it?” Buffy challenged. “If it were an act, but it’s not.” She took a step closer. “You faced the monster inside of you and you fought back.” Another step. “You risked everything to be a better man.” Step.
“Buffy…”
They were nearly nose to nose now.
“And you can be,” Buffy said solemnly. “You are. You may not see it, but I do. I do,” she repeated quietly. “I believe in you, Spike.”
And he understood. She could see it in his face that he understood. Now that they’d crossed that hurdle, maybe she could start working up to the part about…
*Buffy!* The Slayer heard Willow’s thoughts in her mind just a split second before the sound of shattering glass reached her ears.
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