purple..in honor of grape candydrop hooka
for the past week or so i have felt completely apathetic towards people and life in general. i am back to the state of mind where i can't find it in me at all to give a fuck about people i don't really know. i'm through, AGAIN, with meeting people. i'm tired of acting like i give a shit about who their friends are. i really don't. if i take the time to get to know a person it's because something in me tells me they're decent enough to be worth my time and effort. being friends with those few and far between doesn't make me responsible for being friends with their friends. however, i'm usually curtious enough to act like it. but really...i'm completely disinterested with anything and everything they may be willing to offer me or my life. and usually making new friends just opens the window of opportunity to let me get fucked over, again and again.
i'm going to be gone for 2 weeks again. i probably won't be enjoying myself while i'm away but nonetheless, i'll be long gone. vacations with my family are never real "vacations." it's a time for my mom and my sister to close in on all of my imperfections. it's a time to be harrassed about everything i need to do when i get back. it's not even an "enjoy yourself now, but when you get back.." sort of thing. it's "dwell on this shit for the next 2 weeks and don't even think about having a good time because your life is over when we get home." so really..i'll miss my computer and my solitude and my privacy. and i'll miss my fucking cigarettes.
to everyone i should have hungout with, i apologize for the fact that my cellphone is still dead. i promise to buy a new charger when i get back...if i feel like it.
anyway...back to apathy, because it's really all i'm good at. i made the decision tonight to spend some time with my good friend michelle. we're good friends because we don't get to see eachother that often and when we do she's a fucking breath of fresh air. we just spent over 2 hours at king tuts talking about the way we find happiness in hating other people. i'm glad there are people you can put that out in the open with because most of the time, i'm too busy being too fucking nice to be honest like that. i drove all the way home listening to wilco with a ridiculous smile on my face. completely aware that i looked like a freak but really happy with the fact that i actually had the ability to smile.
not a lot of things bring me happiness anymore. mostly because the few times they do i'm really good at fucking myself over. i truly am my worst enemy. and no one will really ever understand what i mean by that, but that's just the way of things. when i get back i look forward to starting school again..possibly some art classes..possibly an insane amount of bio classes because i'm thinking about dental school.
the point in all of this is please don't think i hate you because i don't seem to care enough, really it's that in my heart i care too much but i'm far too apathetic to show it. i'm good at wasting time. i'm good at hating my life. i'm good at being sad. don't judge me. i really don't think it'll get better any time soon. just don't give up on me..as much as people drive me crazy, i need them to keep me sane.
i'm going to be gone for 2 weeks again. i probably won't be enjoying myself while i'm away but nonetheless, i'll be long gone. vacations with my family are never real "vacations." it's a time for my mom and my sister to close in on all of my imperfections. it's a time to be harrassed about everything i need to do when i get back. it's not even an "enjoy yourself now, but when you get back.." sort of thing. it's "dwell on this shit for the next 2 weeks and don't even think about having a good time because your life is over when we get home." so really..i'll miss my computer and my solitude and my privacy. and i'll miss my fucking cigarettes.
to everyone i should have hungout with, i apologize for the fact that my cellphone is still dead. i promise to buy a new charger when i get back...if i feel like it.
anyway...back to apathy, because it's really all i'm good at. i made the decision tonight to spend some time with my good friend michelle. we're good friends because we don't get to see eachother that often and when we do she's a fucking breath of fresh air. we just spent over 2 hours at king tuts talking about the way we find happiness in hating other people. i'm glad there are people you can put that out in the open with because most of the time, i'm too busy being too fucking nice to be honest like that. i drove all the way home listening to wilco with a ridiculous smile on my face. completely aware that i looked like a freak but really happy with the fact that i actually had the ability to smile.
not a lot of things bring me happiness anymore. mostly because the few times they do i'm really good at fucking myself over. i truly am my worst enemy. and no one will really ever understand what i mean by that, but that's just the way of things. when i get back i look forward to starting school again..possibly some art classes..possibly an insane amount of bio classes because i'm thinking about dental school.
the point in all of this is please don't think i hate you because i don't seem to care enough, really it's that in my heart i care too much but i'm far too apathetic to show it. i'm good at wasting time. i'm good at hating my life. i'm good at being sad. don't judge me. i really don't think it'll get better any time soon. just don't give up on me..as much as people drive me crazy, i need them to keep me sane.