All I Know is that I Don't Know
I hate pictures. I hate pictures insofar as they often seem to me this desperate cry for attention, for permanence, ...this need to feel a sense of accomplishment or to add weight to moments. I hate everything that flows through and from it. But I have a shitty memory. And I also have a bad habit of *not* privately documenting as much about myself as I would want. The end result is that I perceive myself as this fragmented web of past selves that have all moved in the same direction, but have died off or disappeared at various points in my life. Drug use may not have helped.
I might need some kind of Round Table with my Old Selves to make sure that even if I haven't learned all the right lessons from them, I can at least properly trace my ontological path through them (I wish I could think of the adjective for ipseity...)
All this from an Operation Ivy song. I wonder how easily other people reconcile their past and present selves. I wonder to what point bitterness and regret with age is merely just an inability to properly remember what youth actually meant. Not its difficulties, necessarily, but its tensions. An inability to recollect what youth was really about would be like an eternal longing for the girl you broke up with, and every day is Valentine's Day. The only thing you have is this wistful haze, this undecodable feeling that things were great once, or at least greater than what they are.
If that's the case, I better get on this writing shit down thing. Though I am willing to trust M-In-5-Years with a lot of things, I don't know if I'm willing to trust M-In-40-Years with much just yet. No keys to the car for you!
Also, I don't think traditional weddings are a part of my values. That sounds really awkward, but I don't know how else to express just how happy I am to see my friends come together with their loved one(s), and how disgusted I am by everything that comes with a wedding: the codification, the ostentatiousness, the public component of approval. It just doesn't vibe with me. I get the having friends come together to celebrate. I get the wanting to share one's joy with others. But I feel that there is a profound decoupling between what people perceive the true values behind weddings to be, and what they actually end up doing due to familial/institutional/traditional pressures.
One day, I will get legally married for perfectly reasonable financial reasons, and it will break my parents' heart. I like S's idea of having a kind of friends' supper, or a sequence thereof, to cook for and host friends. It feels heartfelt without all the self-centered gewgaw that comes with the rest. MAN do I not like weddings :P
I might need some kind of Round Table with my Old Selves to make sure that even if I haven't learned all the right lessons from them, I can at least properly trace my ontological path through them (I wish I could think of the adjective for ipseity...)
All this from an Operation Ivy song. I wonder how easily other people reconcile their past and present selves. I wonder to what point bitterness and regret with age is merely just an inability to properly remember what youth actually meant. Not its difficulties, necessarily, but its tensions. An inability to recollect what youth was really about would be like an eternal longing for the girl you broke up with, and every day is Valentine's Day. The only thing you have is this wistful haze, this undecodable feeling that things were great once, or at least greater than what they are.
If that's the case, I better get on this writing shit down thing. Though I am willing to trust M-In-5-Years with a lot of things, I don't know if I'm willing to trust M-In-40-Years with much just yet. No keys to the car for you!
Also, I don't think traditional weddings are a part of my values. That sounds really awkward, but I don't know how else to express just how happy I am to see my friends come together with their loved one(s), and how disgusted I am by everything that comes with a wedding: the codification, the ostentatiousness, the public component of approval. It just doesn't vibe with me. I get the having friends come together to celebrate. I get the wanting to share one's joy with others. But I feel that there is a profound decoupling between what people perceive the true values behind weddings to be, and what they actually end up doing due to familial/institutional/traditional pressures.
One day, I will get legally married for perfectly reasonable financial reasons, and it will break my parents' heart. I like S's idea of having a kind of friends' supper, or a sequence thereof, to cook for and host friends. It feels heartfelt without all the self-centered gewgaw that comes with the rest. MAN do I not like weddings :P