Matters at hand part 2 My future
Ok I have really been thinking about my life lately. This semester is supposed to be the culmination of all of my special education course work. I am student teaching and I am supposed to be prepared to enter the work force next fall as a teacher but I feel like this is all some big cruel joke. I love my students I love education but my heart is hurting. I so hope and pray that I get into grad school. I feel like this bit of depression is coming from the fact the school is almost over for me and I am feeling down. I have a lot of work to do but I am having a hard time doing it because once it is done it is done. I don't want it to be over. I am missing Paul. If I could go back to this time last year and press the pause button I would. My grandfather would still be alive. Paul would still be the love of my life. I would still feel hope for my future. I would still feel secure financially. STT would still be alive. That whole experience alone crushed me. I had such hope and saw so much promise for that project at it just like so many other things in my life have recently gone to shit. I am feeling strange standing on this rocky ground. For the first time in years I litterally have no ide where or what I will be doing in 6 months. I could be in Alaska, Hawaii, North Carolina, in grad school, teaching, I just have no idea what is coming. Part of me is enjoying the endless oppurtunities that lay before me but I am scared. It feels like that black hole we all fall into in our early 20's all over again. People have told me that it isn't about the light at the end of the tunnel anymore because I am at the end of the tunnel referring to my teaching degree all I have left to do is to step out of the tunnel but I am so scared to do that. I am sure that this is something I will be journaling about a lot. I am litterally living minute by minute. Day by day isn't possible because I don't know where I am headed all I know is that I am headed. This all makes me think of learning to drive. I was so scared to learn to drive. I cried and cried begging my mom not to make me do it because I didn't want to leave my childhood behind. But alas I learned to drive and my dolls got put away and forgotten. I quit playing kickball with the neighborhood kids on summer evenings and I kissed childhood goodbye. I miss my wide open free spirit I miss that girl that ran around barefoot with unruly curls and flowers in her hair I miss being care free. I miss me. I have tried for so long to get her back and I find my self loosing hope and faith that I will. When I am pushed out of this tunnel what me will I find will I be even more closed up and stuffy tham I am now. I feel like I need a good trip to NYC to visit my friend Jon he always pulls the kid out in me. It is kind of funny....My friend Lydia and I may be going to see Kid Rock in April and Brian her fiance said that he felt a little uncomfortable with it because I was single again. How funny is that. I am missing my inner wild chylde so if you happen to run into her please send her my way. Standing at a crossroads with no clue where to go..........