(Sorta) live-blogging the Grammys
Alicia Keys is singing with Frank Sinatra's ghost. Why? I thought this law was laid down - no more singing with ghosts! And her dress is separating and SMASHING her boobs. Her hair and makeup - tops.
Why are the sound levels so bad? I feel like I'm in The Khyber - more vocals!
(Intermission to watch "The Simpsons" and "King of the Hill," with DVR wrecking my buffered Grammys on the other tuner - damn!)
Kanye West
I don't think he's really that compelling live, though he puts a lot of bells and whistles into his shows. But his performance of "Mama" was just ... it'll be on the clip reels when they do the 100th one. Too bad the production of the show stepped all over it, because we just HAD to get to Fergie and John Legend on the dais.
Fergie and John
OK, Fergie has pipes. Legend has fingers. But why is Fergie's face so bloated? And lay off the collagen, please! See, dudes I know always talk about how hot she is, and I never see it - she's so overdone, like a Purdue turkey.
Rollin', rollin' ...
Tina and Beyonce tore it up, even after we had to see through that AWFUL Broadway-style intro of pat reverence.
RINGO STARR AND DAVE STEWART ARE THE SAME MAN! RINGO STARR AND DAVE STEWART ARE THE SAME MAN! How can the world go on now, in light of this terrible fact?!?
Foo Fighters
Well, first, it's about Jason Bateman introducing the MyGrammy Moment. One of the most endearing things about Bateman to me is how visibly uncomfortable he is when having to play the Hollywood shill, delivering the goods with a perpetual "What the fuck is this? Why am I here?" look on his face and timber to his voice. Reminded me of a few years ago when Fox had him on "Fox NFL Sunday" as a celebrity guest when futilely plugging "Arrested Development" (may it be picked up by Showtime). There he was, demonstrating a pass play with Terry Bradshaw and Howie Long, bleary-eyed in a hoodie with his hair disheveled - just in case I forgot that it's 9 a.m. on a Sunday in LA when they go on air.
Kinda funny watching the orchestra players rocking out a little in their rows while waiting to play their three measures of classical backup thunder. Foo Fighters produce a sound that's barely contained by television. It's good they put them on the outside stage borrowed from "The Tonight Show," because I think Dave Grohl's supervillain glare would have made the whole Staples Center burst into flames. The John Paul Jones "classical" interpretation of "The Pretender" was pretty crap - try some real arranging, dammit.
Nelly Furtado, you look like crap, which is sad given how pretty you actually are. You better hope Amy Winehouse does show up and perform, so that she can take the fugliest mess title away from you tonight.
Kayne, part II
You're such an egotistical ass. But good job making the producers kill the walk-off music when discussing your dead mother. It may be up there with the Billy Joel dead-air "Dollars, dollars, dollars" pause.
More ghosts!
A 15 years' posthumous Lifetime Achievement Award to Cab Calloway? Humph.
Jesusfest
Nice to see Aretha Franklin KINDA put clothes on this year. But nothing can contain those massive boobs of hers. Someone should tell dude behind her that faux-hawks aren't allowed in gospel choirs. Girl on left in Trinity 3-5-7, get those sanctified black tights off from under what was a very nice dress. What, reggaeton gospel? Plus it's kinda funny to think of how many of those women up front in those pods of audience, clapping and cheering to the penecostal beat, are escorts.
Who are the people cheering Earl Skruggs?!?!? Loosk like they're putting out a bunch of lifetime achievement awards to people they forgot to give them to while there were still alive.
Man, I like this Leslie Feist. I still can't quite bring myself to buy her record, but man I should. Just good, old-school songwriting. So fitting that Carole King came out of the mothballs to introduce her. "1, 2, 3, 4" could have been a King song.
Black Magic
Only the Grammys could have concocted a Frankenstein monster level of musical tragedy that was this Keeley Smith-Kid Rock combination.
Lang Lang and Herbie Hancock
Wow, that clarinet player has a saucy look on his face! Man, how does Herbie Hancock look so young? Isn't he, like, 782 years old? And that classical maverick, Lang Lang! LANG LANG! How can you not say his name exuberantly?
That haircut is crap-a-rella-ella-ella
Jay-Z stole Rihanna's thunder, and almost distracted from that asymmetrical mess she did to butcher what was The Bob of 2007. Someone tell me why she did that. Someone explain this. What do we tell the children?
Tony Bennett won't be stopped! He'll stutter and old-man stammer through any teleprompter you throw at him! BENNETT PWNS ALL!
Uh oh, Amy Wino's coming on. (And, in true Grammys fashion, introduced by ... Cuba Gooding Jr.? They couldn't have gotten Marianne Faithfull?) Please be sober! Please sing well! Please don't look like a mess! Yes, you succeeded! It's amazing how curvy she always looks clothed. She's such a tableau vivant of fucked-upitude that she becomes glorious in it. She has a great shimmy, her bouffant is perfect. And she mentioned hubby "Blake incarcerated" in every tune. It'll be fun when they both are found dead of overdoses next week.
And Amy Winehouse wins Record of the Year for "Rehab." Damn, I don't think I knew what "stunned" meant until seeing Wino's reaction. But what a great song. When I first heard that song, on a warm April day driving back to Philadelphia in a just-bought Mr. Sexxx E. Carr, it was like I hadn't ever heard music before. Put it on now, and I'm driving down I-84 into the setting sun, roof open.
Mom candy
Josh Groban and Andrea Bocelli ... wow. What. A. Mess. But you have to love when two men put their hands on each other's backs and belt all manly-like. Groban still sings like a big sheep. But moms across America are being rocked in ways their husbands forgot years ago.
Geezer rock
More vocals on John Fogerty! More vocals! Jerry Lee Lewis needs to light his piano on fire as a last hurrah, because he doesn't look long for this world. Stop dragging this out, bring on Richard Penniman! Little Richard is giving it his all, dammit - get the fuck out of his way!
William (that's right, NOT Will.I.Am) just put together some hip-hop vomit.
All that jazz
Hey, it's Q! Herbie Hancock wins Album of the Year?!?!?! The stunner of the night, for real. I mean, Herbie's the shit, Joni Mitchell's the shit, but ... wow. Jazz never wins! And listen to all these folks clapping as if they like jazz. Then Hancock quotes Obama? Is this is a win for jazz, or another "the academy is a bunch of fuddy-duddys" again? Probably both.
Well, that's it.
On a night where the academy honors its 50 years of Grammys, trotting out every living and dead legend in a way befitting a Broadway show called "That's Popular Music!", so much of the actual show has ghosts running through it. Sinatra at the top. Donde West, with "Mama" cut into Kayne's hair. And for all the fanfare of Tina and Beyonce tearing up the stage, the ghost of the man who made "Proud Mary" roll like it never had, the ghost of the man who cannot be named: Ike Turner. I was surprised that he did get some passing applause in the obit portion of the show.
Why are the sound levels so bad? I feel like I'm in The Khyber - more vocals!
(Intermission to watch "The Simpsons" and "King of the Hill," with DVR wrecking my buffered Grammys on the other tuner - damn!)
Kanye West
I don't think he's really that compelling live, though he puts a lot of bells and whistles into his shows. But his performance of "Mama" was just ... it'll be on the clip reels when they do the 100th one. Too bad the production of the show stepped all over it, because we just HAD to get to Fergie and John Legend on the dais.
Fergie and John
OK, Fergie has pipes. Legend has fingers. But why is Fergie's face so bloated? And lay off the collagen, please! See, dudes I know always talk about how hot she is, and I never see it - she's so overdone, like a Purdue turkey.
Rollin', rollin' ...
Tina and Beyonce tore it up, even after we had to see through that AWFUL Broadway-style intro of pat reverence.
RINGO STARR AND DAVE STEWART ARE THE SAME MAN! RINGO STARR AND DAVE STEWART ARE THE SAME MAN! How can the world go on now, in light of this terrible fact?!?
Foo Fighters
Well, first, it's about Jason Bateman introducing the MyGrammy Moment. One of the most endearing things about Bateman to me is how visibly uncomfortable he is when having to play the Hollywood shill, delivering the goods with a perpetual "What the fuck is this? Why am I here?" look on his face and timber to his voice. Reminded me of a few years ago when Fox had him on "Fox NFL Sunday" as a celebrity guest when futilely plugging "Arrested Development" (may it be picked up by Showtime). There he was, demonstrating a pass play with Terry Bradshaw and Howie Long, bleary-eyed in a hoodie with his hair disheveled - just in case I forgot that it's 9 a.m. on a Sunday in LA when they go on air.
Kinda funny watching the orchestra players rocking out a little in their rows while waiting to play their three measures of classical backup thunder. Foo Fighters produce a sound that's barely contained by television. It's good they put them on the outside stage borrowed from "The Tonight Show," because I think Dave Grohl's supervillain glare would have made the whole Staples Center burst into flames. The John Paul Jones "classical" interpretation of "The Pretender" was pretty crap - try some real arranging, dammit.
Nelly Furtado, you look like crap, which is sad given how pretty you actually are. You better hope Amy Winehouse does show up and perform, so that she can take the fugliest mess title away from you tonight.
Kayne, part II
You're such an egotistical ass. But good job making the producers kill the walk-off music when discussing your dead mother. It may be up there with the Billy Joel dead-air "Dollars, dollars, dollars" pause.
More ghosts!
A 15 years' posthumous Lifetime Achievement Award to Cab Calloway? Humph.
Jesusfest
Nice to see Aretha Franklin KINDA put clothes on this year. But nothing can contain those massive boobs of hers. Someone should tell dude behind her that faux-hawks aren't allowed in gospel choirs. Girl on left in Trinity 3-5-7, get those sanctified black tights off from under what was a very nice dress. What, reggaeton gospel? Plus it's kinda funny to think of how many of those women up front in those pods of audience, clapping and cheering to the penecostal beat, are escorts.
Who are the people cheering Earl Skruggs?!?!? Loosk like they're putting out a bunch of lifetime achievement awards to people they forgot to give them to while there were still alive.
Man, I like this Leslie Feist. I still can't quite bring myself to buy her record, but man I should. Just good, old-school songwriting. So fitting that Carole King came out of the mothballs to introduce her. "1, 2, 3, 4" could have been a King song.
Black Magic
Only the Grammys could have concocted a Frankenstein monster level of musical tragedy that was this Keeley Smith-Kid Rock combination.
Lang Lang and Herbie Hancock
Wow, that clarinet player has a saucy look on his face! Man, how does Herbie Hancock look so young? Isn't he, like, 782 years old? And that classical maverick, Lang Lang! LANG LANG! How can you not say his name exuberantly?
That haircut is crap-a-rella-ella-ella
Jay-Z stole Rihanna's thunder, and almost distracted from that asymmetrical mess she did to butcher what was The Bob of 2007. Someone tell me why she did that. Someone explain this. What do we tell the children?
Tony Bennett won't be stopped! He'll stutter and old-man stammer through any teleprompter you throw at him! BENNETT PWNS ALL!
Uh oh, Amy Wino's coming on. (And, in true Grammys fashion, introduced by ... Cuba Gooding Jr.? They couldn't have gotten Marianne Faithfull?) Please be sober! Please sing well! Please don't look like a mess! Yes, you succeeded! It's amazing how curvy she always looks clothed. She's such a tableau vivant of fucked-upitude that she becomes glorious in it. She has a great shimmy, her bouffant is perfect. And she mentioned hubby "Blake incarcerated" in every tune. It'll be fun when they both are found dead of overdoses next week.
And Amy Winehouse wins Record of the Year for "Rehab." Damn, I don't think I knew what "stunned" meant until seeing Wino's reaction. But what a great song. When I first heard that song, on a warm April day driving back to Philadelphia in a just-bought Mr. Sexxx E. Carr, it was like I hadn't ever heard music before. Put it on now, and I'm driving down I-84 into the setting sun, roof open.
Mom candy
Josh Groban and Andrea Bocelli ... wow. What. A. Mess. But you have to love when two men put their hands on each other's backs and belt all manly-like. Groban still sings like a big sheep. But moms across America are being rocked in ways their husbands forgot years ago.
Geezer rock
More vocals on John Fogerty! More vocals! Jerry Lee Lewis needs to light his piano on fire as a last hurrah, because he doesn't look long for this world. Stop dragging this out, bring on Richard Penniman! Little Richard is giving it his all, dammit - get the fuck out of his way!
William (that's right, NOT Will.I.Am) just put together some hip-hop vomit.
All that jazz
Hey, it's Q! Herbie Hancock wins Album of the Year?!?!?! The stunner of the night, for real. I mean, Herbie's the shit, Joni Mitchell's the shit, but ... wow. Jazz never wins! And listen to all these folks clapping as if they like jazz. Then Hancock quotes Obama? Is this is a win for jazz, or another "the academy is a bunch of fuddy-duddys" again? Probably both.
Well, that's it.
On a night where the academy honors its 50 years of Grammys, trotting out every living and dead legend in a way befitting a Broadway show called "That's Popular Music!", so much of the actual show has ghosts running through it. Sinatra at the top. Donde West, with "Mama" cut into Kayne's hair. And for all the fanfare of Tina and Beyonce tearing up the stage, the ghost of the man who made "Proud Mary" roll like it never had, the ghost of the man who cannot be named: Ike Turner. I was surprised that he did get some passing applause in the obit portion of the show.