depression
When I get depressed, it's not because of other people. They don't depress me like my individual self does.
It's when I feel stupid because even the most idiotic person can do better in school that I can.
It's when I try so hard to actually get an A on a test, and I still just get a C.
Even when I study all week, I get the same grade as when I just guess, but I actually understand what I'm guessing.
It's when I have a 5 question online test and 25 minutes to do it, and I only get three right giving me a 60%.
It's when I don't understand what's going on online, or am not capable of organizing all the assignments due in all my classes so I miss work.
It's when I feel like I can't do anything professional in my future because I can't even get a job outside retail because I got lucky for befriending my manager and not knowing how to apply for other jobs.
Or that other people won't hire me because I don't have experience
Or that I don't have experience because I don't know how to get it
Or that sometimes I can't fight the wind on my bike and I feel like I'm going too slow and I can't breathe
It's when I'm not cool enough to make the kind of friends I want, so I just get stuck with ones who don't really care, and don't stick around
It's when I can't focus on just one thing for a class
Or that I can't grasp the assignment that's been given
It's when I realize I've been doing colorguard for seven years of my life and I still can't do a toss turn around, or throw a blade on sabre
It's when I can't make Chris happy because we can't have everything we want even though we work really hard, and then someone like my brother comes along and people just hand him stuff because they feel sorry for him.
It's when I start freaking out about what I'm going to do for a 'real' job and I have no idea
I don't even know the direction I want to go in, where I want to live, how to find a place somewhere else\
God I hate myself
It's when I feel stupid because even the most idiotic person can do better in school that I can.
It's when I try so hard to actually get an A on a test, and I still just get a C.
Even when I study all week, I get the same grade as when I just guess, but I actually understand what I'm guessing.
It's when I have a 5 question online test and 25 minutes to do it, and I only get three right giving me a 60%.
It's when I don't understand what's going on online, or am not capable of organizing all the assignments due in all my classes so I miss work.
It's when I feel like I can't do anything professional in my future because I can't even get a job outside retail because I got lucky for befriending my manager and not knowing how to apply for other jobs.
Or that other people won't hire me because I don't have experience
Or that I don't have experience because I don't know how to get it
Or that sometimes I can't fight the wind on my bike and I feel like I'm going too slow and I can't breathe
It's when I'm not cool enough to make the kind of friends I want, so I just get stuck with ones who don't really care, and don't stick around
It's when I can't focus on just one thing for a class
Or that I can't grasp the assignment that's been given
It's when I realize I've been doing colorguard for seven years of my life and I still can't do a toss turn around, or throw a blade on sabre
It's when I can't make Chris happy because we can't have everything we want even though we work really hard, and then someone like my brother comes along and people just hand him stuff because they feel sorry for him.
It's when I start freaking out about what I'm going to do for a 'real' job and I have no idea
I don't even know the direction I want to go in, where I want to live, how to find a place somewhere else\
God I hate myself