Done last week (20160710Su - 16Sa)
The only writing I did last week was last Sunday's weekly post. I'll try to do better; hopefully I won't be feeling as harried this week. I did get in some music time -- last Sunday, and yesterday. And some walking with Colleen and Kat, also on Sunday.
Quite a bit of back pain. It's been mostly ok in the morning, but tends to get worse on the way home. Probably something to do with being tired, but also possibly stress. Have I mentioned having trouble identifying my mental state? It's called alexithymia.
The alexithymia also bleeds into problems identifying physical state, because of course they're related. I have trouble distinguishing the physical symptoms of anxiety and hunger, for example. Not to mention distinguishing between wanting food, and needing food. The latter barely registers, and certainly not as hunger, until I suddenly start feeling the symptoms of low blood sugar. Which I have learned to recognize. Or until Colleen notices that I'm starting to snap at people.
Stress is, apparently, another of those states that I don't start noticing until it's been going on too long. And then it bleeds into burnout and depression. (And, no, depression doesn't register as sadness. At all. It's best described as a combination of apathy and despair.) I think I'm noticing a trend here.
I'm getting better at noticing. Look in the notes for an exclamation mark in column 3 -- that means I've actually noticed an emotion while it was happening. They're rare -- the only instance this last week was Sunday.
Speaking of stress, I'm oncall this week. With pages including 6am Tuesday morning -- Prime Day -- and midnight last night. This morning. Whatever. One thing I've noticed is that I don't have enough mental bandwidth. I can't multitask. At all. Period. Things get lost track of.
If a page comes in, I completely lose track of whatever I was doing, including dealing with another page, and it takes me a while to get my context back. Which leads to things like having something like 10 different browser windows open in 8 workspaces, with multiple tabs in each, many of which refer to the same tickets. Because context. And, of course, re-investigating the same thing multiple times because I've forgotten what I was doing an hour ago.
I'm getting a little better at going up to people I don't know and asking for help. But, of course, I'm even worse at remembering names than I am at multitasking, which leads to things like waking the wrong person up at six in the morning. (And forgetting that I had an email in my inbox telling me who the right person would have been. See multitasking.)
(Brief pause -- my desk is being catted on. The absolute best thing I've done for my mental health in years was putting a cardboard box on my desk, attaching it with a couple of screws, and lining it with a towel.)
Back to reaching out and talking to people. I don't think my reluctance to do that has anything to do with what I afraid people will think of me. So, this doesn't seem to have the characteristcs of social anxiety. No, it has more to do with what I think of me, and in particular feeling stupid and at a loss for what to do. Plus total lack of self-confidence, which leads to (or somehow relates to) an unwillingness to "disturb" people.
It's not just at work. Even at home, I take a closed door as a "do not disturb" sign even when I'm pretty certain that the person on the other side (usually N) would be happy to see me. It's hard enough when I know they're expecting me, though I'm getting a little better about that.
In a slightly different direction, some links from
ysabetwordsmith about emotional self-care (see Monday, below) proved unexpectedly triggery and anxiety-provoking. So we're talking low self-esteem here, maybe. (Maybe?! Let's get real here.)
It's been a long month this week.
Notes & links:
0710Su * up 6:55; W=200.6; laundry, dishes % right QL (I think) still painful -- naproxen and a little self-applied trigger point work with the TheraCane seem to be getting it under control. % said "Curio" when I meant "Ticia" this morning (talking to Colleen; before coffee) Probably not a sign of anything drastic. * Taking the dishes in two steps because of back pain. * Ordered new coffee grinder. It's a refurb, so about half the price of a new one. * Writing: 512 words on the weekly post. I'll take it. * Up to the Junction so that I could get cash for Colleen; bought garlic at the farmer's market because we were out. * The walk definitely lessened the pain in my back. I used a cane this time, and I think it helped. I also used my boots, which have different insoles (ortho-heel rather than the superfeet in the running shoes I wore yesterday). ! happy(!) Smiling, petting Ticia, eyes closed, losing myself in her purring. OK. Maybe more like contented, but close enough. And I noticed. So, good for me! * 1-3pm guests expected. -> only one & N and I worked on a couple of songs from Children of Eden, then * song swap with our one guest, Glenn's friend and former coworker Ed. Fun. @ A Remarkable Photo of a Protestor in Baton Rouge, Louisiana (alatefeline) Haunting 0711Mo primary oncall * up 5:30; W=202.6; laundry, dishes @ Thinking about Big Data - Part Three (the final and somewhat scary part) Cringely @ How to beat loneliness | via 7 ways to practice emotional first aid | via ysabetwordsmith | Responding to Atrocities Both of the ted.com articles were triggery. Yes, I know it's all self-fulfilling prophecies. I know I can't change the past, and that it's wrong to beat myself up over the bad decisions I've made. Knowing all that doesn't really help much. 0712Tu * Up 5:30ish; W=200.6; paged arouund 6, dinner, dishes * 10am - Emmy - Harborview * 11:15 - Colleen - UNW * dinner: tortellini alfredo -- my sauce % suddenly hit with a horrendous headache while cooking dinner. @ 13 Livable Tiny House Communities 0713We * up 6:15; W=199.6; laundry, dishes * Got paged while on the bus to work. For something that turned out not to be anything like a SEV2 - it was a customer who couldn't do simple math, and a CS rep who agreed with them (so was probably new, but still). Got a second one that was pretty legit, and took me well outside my comfort zone in terms of going out and talking people. % I don't think it has anything to do with what I'm afraid people will think of me. I think it probably has more to do with what _I_ think of myself. And the fact that I have a terrible memory for names, and the tendency to isolate myself and not interact with people is only reinforced by the cases, like yesterday, where I get something wrong and wake up the wrong person at 6am. @ The Software Heritage archive Preserving the global software heritage [LWN.net] @ Simply Home: A tiny cohousing community grows in Portland (Video) : TreeHugger 0714Th Bastille Day * up 6:15; W=200.2; laundry, dishes * Kind of a rough day. I think I am, however, getting better at asking for help. 0715Fr * up 5:35; W=200.2; dishes * toner (Samsung M3320ND) - free same day delivery from Amazon * ROUGH day. Rough WEEK @ The Norton Trilogy: Peter Gethers arrived. Because cats. @ GitHub - chrislgarry/Apollo-11: Original Apollo 11 Guidance Computer (AGC) source code for the command and lunar modules.. awesome GitHub - rburkey2005/virtualagc: Virtual Apollo Guidance Computer (AGC) software Virtual AGC Home Page * looks like I will have a concert gig at Beer30 two weeks from today. : toner cartridge arrived while I was in the kitchen. good timing. 0716Sa * Up 7ish; W=201.2; @ prompts | Crowdfunding Creative Jam @ Dallas open carry guitar protest hit the right note | Dallas Morning News Woody was right. A guitar can kill a bad idea. Music makes things better. If you walk into someplace with a guitar, people are thinking: “Is this guy going to play that thing?” “Is he going to be any good? If he isn’t, can I leave?” * installed new printer cartridge in lp. Test page looks gorgeous. @ FarmBot | Open-Source CNC Farming f(Alex) (caution: video plays automatically. $2900 ($3900 after 7/31) & followed by a couple of hours' worth of deep dive :/ @ OpenBuilds Part Store PARTS! @ Build List | OpenBuilds Community! @ OpenSource 3D and CNC products to build your dream! @ and of course RepRap - RepRapWiki @ The OX Group - Community - Google+ @ AmazonSmile: Cuisinart CBM-18N Programmable Conical Burr Mill arrived Refurb, so half the list price. Works well. @ How Corporate America Invented Christian America - POLITICO Magazine " Throughout the 1950s, a new trend of what the Senate chaplain called “under-God consciousness” transformed American political life. In 1953, the first-ever National Prayer Breakfast was convened on the theme of “Government Under God.” In 1954, the previously secular Pledge of Allegiance was amended to include the phrase “under God” for the first time, too. A similar slogan, “In God We Trust,” spread just as quickly. Congress added it to stamps in 1954 and then to paper money in 1955; in 1956, the phrase became the nation’s first official motto. " " As this religious revival swept through American politics, many in the United States began to believe their government was formally and fundamentally religious. In many ways, they’ve believed it ever since. " & (desktop box) snowflake was getting insufferably slow; nuked Chrome. Probably bloated with some of the 3D and video stuff from farmbot and openbuilds. Think I'll wait before restarting it -- it's a timesink. : Ticia is snoring in her box. adorable. * buy: laundry soap, pantsu, cat litter, cat food, D3, eggs, dish soap refill, cottage cheese. (the latter two weren't on the list, but needed anyway) * practice - guitar and shortened vocals. Ship of Stone, Daddy's World, When I Was a {Boy/Lad}, Hardest Part of Love. One or two more maybe; I forget. Tried transposing Hardest Part of Love from C to G; it would work, but there are still a few barre chords. I think we decided it's too high in C.
[Crossposted from mdlbear.dreamwidth.org, where it has
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