(no subject)

May 07, 2006 18:30

do you ever feel like you want to disappear? like, for no particular reason. you're just really tired of everything, and you think it might be nice to let it all go and stop existing for a little while. that's how i feel lately. my problem is that i'm overly ambitious and create high standards and when my expectations aren't met easily, i feel like a failure and shut down and don't do anything, which then makes me feel even worse. i think too much. every single second of my life i'm thinking about something else. i over analyze things. i'm too sensitive. and all of this just overloads until i get depressed. and then i feel guilty about being depressed, because i have no real reason. but mostly i'm just tired.

i'm tired of fighting to be happy and healthy.
i'm tired of making myself fight for everything that i want that i think everyone else has.
i'm tired of fighting to measure up to what i think i should be.

i'm tired of being, plain and simple. it's not like i want to die. i just want to sleep for once and not have anything else on my mind and not have any other obligations to tend to and not have anything else happen ever. my soul seriously needs rest. i feel like everything is too much now.

and i've dug myself into this hole where i'm trying to recover and be superwoman at the same time, when everyone thought that i should take the whole year off and rest. and all that's happened is that i've tried so hard and got nothing done in school, and have gotten more and more sick and fatigued. and now it's too late to back out of it. i'm cruel to my body and don't let myself get better. if i had been smart enough to give myself a rest i would be recovered right now. but instead i screwed myself over and am still sick.

all i want to do is stay home and let my body get better. i need to heal. i need to rest. i need to not try to impress everyone and be humble and let them know that i am weak, and i am not perfect, and i am not the same person i was last summer, and that i don't want to be ambitious ever again because it kills me.
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