Challenge #126 fic: What happens in Vegas, doesn't. PG. John/Rodney. Rodney/Jennifer.
Title: What happens in Vegas, doesn't
Author: velocitygrass
Pairing: John Sheppard/Rodney McKay, McKay/Keller established
Rating: PG
Warnings/Content notes: ( skip) None of the standard warnings apply
Spoilers: through season 5
Word count: 5492
Summary: There was no obvious reason for the suffocation he'd increasingly felt. It wasn't cold feet. If he could skip two days and just be married, he would.
Note: Also available at AO3.
What happens in Vegas, doesn't
"Take me away," Rodney pleaded to John.
He'd just gotten off the phone where Jeannie had yelled at him non-stop and only ceased because she had to get on her flight to Las Vegas-presumably to continue yelling at him once she arrived.
With Teyla and Jennifer going into full wedding planning mode and Ronon talking about the pre-wedding traditions he'd learned about-obviously from the worst kinds of marines or someone who really hated him-Rodney wanted to be anywhere but here.
He'd thought the point of eloping was to avoid all of this!
John gave him a long look. "Anywhere in particular?" he eventually said.
"I don't care," Rodney said.
Thankfully John's only answer was to slide on his shades and say, "Let's go."
~~
The desert around them made it oddly easy for Rodney to clear his mind of what was going on in Las Vegas. It was sand and rocks and occasionally vegetation that looked more alien than the one they'd encountered in actual alien worlds.
Sheppard was listening to a Johnny Cash compilation and even that was soothing somehow.
They didn't talk, which was fine by Rodney. He wouldn't know what to say anyway. There was no obvious reason for the suffocation he'd increasingly felt. It wasn't cold feet. If he could skip two days and just be married, he would.
But waiting for Jennifer's father to fly in, then calling Jeannie, the sudden suggestions of looking at chapels and restaurants, and Ronon's ideas about strippers was just too much. He couldn't imagine why people voluntarily planned weddings for a year or even longer.
He shuddered at the thought.
"Too cold?" Sheppard asked, ready to adjust the AC in the car when Rodney shook his head.
Sheppard pulled back his hand, and they kept on driving through blissful nothing.
~~
"Oh, there's green," Rodney said after he didn't know how long.
"Golf course," Sheppard said with a smirk.
"Hmm, if they have that, they probably have food too," Rodney said. He looked at his watch. They'd driven for almost two hours.
"Restaurant or takeaway?" Sheppard asked.
"Just get us something and then stop somewhere outside town," Rodney said. He'd liked the desert. He suspected it was that it was the opposite of Las Vegas and a big part of that was the lack of people.
~~
Sheppard drove off the highway a bit out of town and stopped in the middle of nowhere. They opened the doors and ate in silence.
When Rodney was done, he breathed in deeply. Now he felt human again.
He got out of the car and looked around. Rocks and sand with surprisingly many spots of grass or bushes or whatever it was that managed to grow here.
He walked over to a slightly larger rock and sat down. Sheppard joined him.
Rodney wished he could stop time. Right now he felt calm and in control. Just thinking about Jennifer and Teyla looking at chapels made his heart rate speed up. Maybe they were looking at wedding dresses. God, would they pick a tux for him that they'd have to get fitted before the ceremony?
Rodney took another deep breath and tried to think not of tomorrow, but the days after.
"It's absurd," he said out loud. "I can imagine being married to Jennifer much more easily than getting married to her."
Sheppard didn't speak for a moment before commenting, "A lot of things are like that. People love to ski but they don't think about climbing up the mountain."
"You ski?" Rodney asked. Then he shook his head and immediately went on. "Forget it. Going fast and risking your life. Of course you ski."
John gave him an understanding smile. Then he sobered. "It'll be over quick enough. This is nothing compared to how other people get married."
Rodney had the feeling it was more than a general observation. "You?" he asked.
John made a face. "It was the social event of the summer."
"I thought eloping would be simple," Rodney said.
"It's not?" John asked.
Rodney didn't know how to answer that. Technically it was simple. They'd gotten a marriage license, and tomorrow they'd walk into whatever chapel Jennifer had picked and be done with it. It was a far cry from what he could only imagine Sheppard's experience had been.
In terms of time and preparation it was simple. But Rodney still couldn't imagine going through the act without feeling suffocated. He had no idea why. He should be happy to do it. He looked forward to married life with Jennifer. This should be easy.
"It's okay not to rush into this," John said, looking ahead at the desert. "You should think about it. It's important."
Rodney watched him for a moment. "Was that your mistake? Not enough thinking?"
John seemed to consider it. "No," he eventually said. "I just wasn't a good husband."
Rodney raised an eyebrow.
"I didn't cheat on her if that's what you're thinking," John said, glancing at Rodney. "But being a good husband is more than not cheating. Being married means work. It means...well, you know. You're getting into it in 24 hours."
Rodney tried not to think of the wedding but what he imagined their married life would be like based on their relationship so far. "It means working on being the person the other one fell in love with," he guessed. He wasn't completely oblivious to how the world worked. One of the reasons couples split up was when they stopped trying. With their busy lives it was often difficult to find time for each other, but they tried to find the time. And apparently he hadn't failed so often that Jennifer couldn't live with it.
John frowned. "Well, to a degree it means not changing completely. But if you were honest with each other, that shouldn't be a problem."
"So what did you mean?" Rodney asked.
John looked away, staying silent for a long time. Eventually, he said quietly, "Allowing yourself to be vulnerable."
"Like you now?" Rodney couldn't help saying. He knew how much John hated talking about feelings, especially his own.
John turned to stare at him, then looked away again.
"You can," Rodney said. "I know I'm not exactly known for my sensitivity..."
John snorted.
"Thank you for trying," Rodney said. "I know it's hard for you."
"Yeah." John swallowed. "So you can be with her?" he asked, and it almost felt like a diversion. Anything but talking about his feelings.
A smile tugged on Rodney's face but he didn't call John on it. Instead he considered his question. Could he be vulnerable with Jennifer?
He didn't feel vulnerable very often. There were moments of insecurity about Jennifer finding a younger guy, but he knew she'd just reassure him if he ever mentioned it. And it wasn't as if she had ever given him a reason to doubt her sincerity and commitment to their relationship.
There were other situations like coming back from an especially hard mission. But in those moments, he preferred to be with his team-especially John, who could lend his support without words. Sometimes words couldn't change anything. And his team would understand that. Because they'd been there with him. But that wasn't really Jennifer's fault.
"I don't need to be with her," Rodney concluded.
John gave him a sideways glance, clearly doubting Rodney's conclusion. But he didn't say anything and looked at the desert again.
"We're not like that," Rodney tried to explain. "I know there are couples who are everything to each other. But...I know I can talk with her about everything. It doesn't mean that I want to. You know some of our missions. It's hard to understand if you weren't there."
John nodded. "You," he began, but then stopped and shook his head.
"I what?" Rodney asked.
"You don't have to be everything to each other, but you'll have to make decisions together," John said. "Like do you want kids?"
"It's under consideration," was Rodney's measured response. They had actually talked about that. "If yes, then not right now."
"What if either of you gets a job offer they can't refuse?" John asked.
"You mean better than Atlantis?" Rodney asked, not hiding his doubt.
"Hypothetically speaking," John said. "And you couldn't stay on Atlantis once you have kids," he added.
Rodney tried not to think about that. "Either of us could easily get a job almost anywhere in the world," he said. It was one of the perks of being a genius.
"And you would?" John asked, looking at him. "If she wanted to work at a great clinic or be with her father?"
"Why not?" Rodney said, though he didn't meet John's eyes. He didn't want to consider this right now. Besides, they both wanted to stay on Atlantis, so it wasn't as if this was a decision he'd have to make in the near future.
"Good then," John said, though it was obvious that he wasn't convinced.
They sat in silence for a while.
"Do you want to go back?" John eventually asked.
"It's still time!" Rodney said quickly. He felt the tightening of his throat at the thought of returning. "Let's just enjoy the quiet for some time."
~~
They sat in silence, and Rodney concentrated on nothing but the desert, clearing his head. It was peaceful. He wasn't usually someone who needed this-quite the contrary-but after Las Vegas and with everything waiting there for him it felt like a lifeline. He relished being able to get away from it all.
It occurred to him that he wasn't actually alone, but strangely, John's presence didn't disturb his peace. Quite the opposite. John had taken out his smart phone and started playing games at some point. Rodney looked at him concentrating on the screen and smiled. John looked over and raised an eyebrow at finding Rodney watching him. Rodney only shook his head.
"We'll have to go if we don't want to drive back in the dark," John said.
Rodney tensed. "We don't have to be back tonight," he said without thinking.
John looked surprised. "Uh, sure. We could find a hotel," he suggested.
"No, you're right," Rodney said, trying to get over himself. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I should be happy. Jennifer is great. I want to be married to her. This shouldn't be so difficult. Let's go back. Jeannie will be waiting to yell some more at me."
"No, we'll stay," John said. "Take all the time that you need."
"Need for what?" Rodney asked.
"To think this through," John answered. "This is important. Maybe the most important decision any of us take in life. If we're doing it right." He gazed out at the desert as he said the last.
Rodney could only guess that John hadn't done it right. But this wasn't about John. "I agree that it's an important decision. But I've already decided. That's why we came here. Not doing it isn't really an option at this point. And there's no good reason for me not to do this."
"Then maybe there's a bad reason," John said. "Sleep over it. The wedding isn't until tomorrow afternoon."
"All right," Rodney gave in.
~~
"Two rooms next to each other," Sheppard asked at the reception.
"John. We can take a room together," Rodney said.
John gave him a quick look, then turned to the receptionist. "Two single beds."
"No," Rodney corrected him. "One double."
John looked at him.
"I don't expect we'll sleep much," Rodney said. At John's widening eyes, he said, "Because we'll talk!" Rodney felt himself flush.
John turned back to the receptionist. "One room with a double bed."
~~
While Sheppard went ahead to the room, Rodney stayed in the lobby to call Jennifer. She sounded cheerful when she greeted him. He was happy that at least she seemed to enjoy this trip. "I just wanted to let you know that I'm coming back tomorrow," he said.
"Where are you?" Jennifer asked.
"Uhm. Actually, I don't know. It's a town between Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon. It has a golf course."
Jennifer snorted. "That could actually narrow it down to just one or two. So you'll stay the night?"
"Yeah," he said.
"Okay. Oh, I found a different chapel. It's less Vegas if you know what I mean. I think it's more us."
"Sounds great," he said, trying not to let his throat tighten up.
"Tomorrow," she said, and he could feel her excitement through the line.
He still couldn't understand why he didn't feel the same. "Tomorrow," he said. "Bye."
~~
The room had quite a nice view of the desert. Rodney stood on the balcony, wondering what he was doing here, but at the same time relieved that they weren't returning for the night.
After a few minutes, John joined him on the balcony with two bottles of beer.
"Thanks," Rodney said, taking a long sip.
"Was she mad?" John asked, not looking at him.
Rodney turned to him. "What? No, why would she be?"
John shrugged.
Rodney frowned, then forgot about it and went back to the real problem at hand. "I don't understand why this isn't as easy for me as it is for her."
"Many women dream about a wedding," John said.
"I don't really think she's one of them," Rodney said. "Who knows. Maybe she is. Though certainly not enough to insist on one of those Big Weddings. I never understood how you could make such a disproportionate deal out of it. I mean people going into debt for a giant wedding." Thinking about John had told him earlier, he added, "No offense."
"Was my father's money," John said easily. "He had more than enough. And it was good for business too."
Rodney cringed. He could really be glad that this wouldn't be anything like Sheppard's wedding. Unfortunately that still didn't make it easy. "If we'd just flown here and done the deed, it would have been easier I think. But I can understand that she wants her father to be here."
"And you your sister," John added.
"I regret telling her," Rodney disagreed.
"No, you don't," John said, giving him a look.
"Yes, I do," Rodney insisted. "Instead of thanking me that I invited her or congratulating me, she yelled what I was thinking. That she can't even take Madison and Kaleb. I told her she didn't have to come, and she only rubbed it in that I wasn't at hers and that she wasn't such a horrible person."
"She loves you," John said.
"And I love her," Rodney conceded. "But it doesn't make it easier to get along with her."
"She'll be happy for you," John said.
"We'll see," Rodney said, thinking about her words. He doubted that even a flight across half the country could perform such a miracle.
John raised an eyebrow.
"She asked me why so suddenly," Rodney began to explain. "I... Let's not talk about it. I'm sure she'll call as soon as her plane landed." He took another sip, resigned to his fate.
~~
Rodney lay down on the bed while John went to the bathroom. It was pretty comfortable.
"Tired?" John asked when he came out and saw him.
"It's not that late," Rodney said. "I've been thinking about how easy it is to imagine being married to Jennifer. She's a great person. She's smart. She's beautiful. She loves me the way I am." John coughed. "What?" Rodney asked.
"Nothing," John said. "I just... You keep mentioning how she'll be mad if you're late or if you do this or that."
"Well, that's just... Of course she's not happy about everything I do. But compared to my previous relationships, she's very understanding. With Katie...she was so nice and sweet, I felt terrible every time I even raised my voice."
"And yet you were going to propose to her," John pointed out.
Rodney gave him a look.
"Sorry," John said.
"No, you're right," Rodney admitted. "That wasn't very well thought out."
"To put it mildly," John said, looking anywhere but Rodney.
"Jennifer is much more understanding," Rodney said, not letting Sheppard get a rise out of him. "My previous relationships all ended because they didn't like how I acted. Or if they didn't care about it, it was because they didn't really care about me either." After a moment he added, "Those weren't even bad half the time."
"But that's not the kind of person you marry," John said.
"No," Rodney agreed. "You should care. And I do. And so does she. We're working out surprisingly well. Which is why I don't understand why this is so hard for me."
"Maybe it should be more than 'working out surprisingly well,'" John suggested carefully.
"What more do you want?" Rodney asked. "Let's be realistic here. Hearts fluttering 24/7 isn't going to happen. And I wouldn't want it to. It would be distracting from work."
John laughed. Then he got serious again. "The person you marry should be special. There should be a connection."
"Being vulnerable," Rodney said, thinking of their discussion earlier.
"Yes. And being there for them in return," John said. "Knowing that both of you always have each other. That you'll never...be afraid of that feeling that you're alone in the world. You know." Rodney frowned. "Maybe you don't," John said, averting his gaze.
"No, I do," Rodney immediately said. He didn't feel like that often. It happened when something he'd been certain would work didn't. "I come to you when I don't want to feel that way," he added. Then he thought about Doranda. "Well, unless I pissed you off and you're not talking to me." Those were the worst times.
John looked at him, frowning. "When do I- I'm sorry."
"No, it's...well, I can't say it feels good, but I understand it most of the time," Rodney said.
"I'm sorry," John repeated. "You can always come to me. I'm never so pissed off at you that I can't be there for you. If you...if you need me."
Rodney looked at him. He knew how hard it was for John to say this. Which made Rodney appreciate it all the more that he did.
"But don't...abuse that trust," John added. "Don't try to... Don't do it just to get me to stop being mad at you."
"I won't," Rodney said. "I'll try at least," he added. He wasn't perfect, and he knew it.
But apparently it was good enough for John who gave him a quick nod.
"Thank you," Rodney said sincerely. In all the years that he'd known John, he'd never seen him open himself to someone like this. It meant the world to him.
"You're welcome," John said quickly, looking towards the balcony as if he was contemplating escape.
Rodney stood up. "Can I ask you something? You don't have to say yes if you don't want to."
"Go ahead," John said, steeling himself.
"It's nothing bad," Rodney said. "Well...can we hug? I know that-"
John smiled and nodded. They moved as one and wrapped their arms around each other. Rodney squeezed John tight and was gratified to feel John hug him back just as fiercely. Then they let go of each other and smiled at each other.
"You know, this goes both ways," Rodney said. "I know you're all stoic, but if you need someone to talk to or anything. I'll be there for you."
"If you can. I know," John said, nodding.
"I'll make the time," Rodney promised.
"If you're a galaxy away, it might be hard," John said.
Rodney shook his head. "We'll stay together."
John snorted. "Your wife and the Air Force might have a say in that."
Rodney took John's wrist in his hand. "We'll figure out a way," he said seriously.
John nodded. Then he gave Rodney a tight smile.
"That almost felt like wedding vows," Rodney commented.
John's smile widened. Then he cleared his throat. "You wanna go grab a bite?"
"God, yes!"
~~
They ate at a little restaurant near the hotel, keeping to safe topics like Route 66 and weather in the desert. Rodney was just starting his dessert when his phone rang. It was Jeannie. He made a face and took the call.
"Where the hell are you?" Jeannie greeted him.
"Hello to you too," Rodney said. To John, he mouthed 'Jeannie'. John nodded in understanding.
"You elope to Vegas, and now I learn you're not even here," Jeannie resumed her pre-flight yelling.
"I'm enjoying a nice evening in the desert, though we've previously been informed that it's not actually desert but some kind of steppe," Rodney said calmly.
"Mer!" Jeannie shouted.
"I'll be back tomorrow. You can yell at me then," Rodney told her.
"You'll stay the night?" she asked.
"Yes," Rodney said.
There was a long moment of blessed silence, then Jeannie asked more quietly, "Are you sure?"
"We've already booked the room," Rodney said.
"I meant about the wedding," Jeannie said.
"Weren't you the one who told me I'm not getting any younger?" Rodney couldn't help reminding her.
"Oh, Mer. Not like that," Jeannie said, her voice suddenly full of pity. "You aren't getting any younger, but that doesn't mean you should just marry for the sake of marrying. You should want it. You should want it so much that you'd give up what you love for it." After a moment, she added, "Even your family."
Rodney swallowed. "You should be glad that I don't have to," he said stiffly.
"I am. But Mer, you should think about it. Would you be willing to give up Atlantis for her? Or your team? Sheppard?"
"Right now, there isn't much to give up," Rodney said, clinging to the thought that this wasn't a choice like that.
"You know what I mean," Jeannie said.
"I thought you'd be happy for me," Rodney said, instead of answering her. She'd always been the one that wanted him to 'find someone'.
"I will be if you can tell me that this is really what you want," Jeannie said. "That you can't wait to marry her because she's the one person in the world you can't live without."
Rodney didn't say anything, looking at John who watched him with sympathy.
"Think about it, Mer," Jeannie went on. "Don't come back before you're sure."
"I'll be back tomorrow," Rodney said automatically. "Bye." He hung up. He looked at his unfinished dessert. "I'm not that hungry anymore."
John raised an eyebrow.
"Oh, all right," Rodney said and dug in to finish his dessert.
~~
They were silent on the walk back to the hotel.
Once in their room, Rodney spoke. "She said I shouldn't come back until I'm sure that...well, essentially that Jennifer's 'the one'."
"You don't believe in that?" John asked neutrally.
"That out of billions of people on the planet there is exactly one that you can form a happy, lasting relationship with. No, I don't," Rodney said.
"I don't think it's meant quite so literally," John said.
"Even if not. What my sister is asking is perfection. Just because she met that English teacher of hers and can't live without him..." Rodney trailed off, sighing. "I'm happy for her. I won't say I'm not bitter that she gave up her career, but it was her choice and apparently it makes her happy. But it's just not going to be like that for all of us. Or even most of us. I get what she wants. She wants the person that she can have long talks with, thinks about first thing in the morning and last thing at night, that agrees to eat tofurkey for Thanksgiving and... She wants that mythical person that's the best friend in the world to you and that you want to fuck blind at the same time."
John's eyes widened.
"Well, it's true," Rodney said. "Isn't that what the perfect wife is supposed to be?"
"Just haven't heard it put quite like that," John said.
"It's an ideal. But we live in the real world. Would it be nice to have that? God, yes. Who wouldn't want that?" Rodney said. "But it's not going to happen. I can pick the people who would fit even one of that definition on one hand. And in my experience the two are unrelated. Actually, some of the people I've found hottest in my life, I didn't even want to be friends with, let alone best friends."
John seemed to consider that.
"Was your wife both for you? Neither?" Rodney asked.
John was silent for a moment. "I've never really felt that sexual urge for women," he eventually said, looking at Rodney before quickly dropping his gaze.
Rodney might be oblivious, but he could read between the lines. It wasn't the first time he wondered if John was bisexual. "A man then. Did you have someone who was both for you?"
"Well, I'm not sure about fuck you blind," John said, "but we had a healthy sex life and we were quite close."
"But it didn't work out," Rodney concluded.
"No, he...he asked me to choose him or the Air Force," John said.
"Oh." Rodney wasn't above making fun of the more idiotic things about the armed forces, but he had a healthy respect for good officers and John was a great one-at least for Atlantis. He didn't want to imagine what their first year might have been like with someone else at the top of the chain of command. And he knew what the Air Force meant to John. To ask him to give it up seemed almost cruel.
"It was better this way," John deflected. "He wouldn't have handled the deployments. To be fair, it didn't make my marriage easier either. It's hard. My hat's off to anyone who makes it work. I couldn't."
"With them," Rodney said. "Maybe with someone else."
John shrugged. "Maybe." Then he smirked and added, "Still waiting for someone to fuck blind."
"Your best friend to fuck blind," Rodney corrected.
John's smirk faded, and he dropped his gaze.
Rodney thought about what they'd done earlier. Their 'vows'. John was his best friend, there was no question about it. On this day more than any other. "It's too bad we were never meant to be."
John looked at him, frowning, then he looked away again.
"Right?" Rodney asked.
"I'm not sure what you mean," John said. "If you don't believe in the one, wouldn't that also mean not believing in meant to be or not?"
"Of course," Rodney said. "I didn't mean it like that. I meant as team and friends, our relationship...it couldn't have been more." That had always been what he'd thought, why he'd refused to go there in his mind. John hadn't been meant for him.
"I don't know what you want me to say," John said.
Rodney raised his eyebrow. "I want you to say...between Don't Ask Don't Tell when it was still in place and fraternization rules and our responsibilities and everything...it was not the right time and place." Was, not is. Rodney knew what he was asking. "You're my best friend already. Could you be both?"
"I don't know. Do you want to fuck me blind?" John asked, challenge in his voice.
"That's what I've been trying to say. I never thought about it because I thought it wasn't meant to be." It had been easier to ignore it than to deal with it.
"So the answer is no," John concluded from Rodney's answer.
"No, the answer is I haven't thought about it until now," Rodney corrected him.
"Attraction doesn't just happen because you decide to think about it," John said.
"Well, no. And it's not like I don't recognize you're physically attractive," Rodney said. "I'm not blind. But wanting is something else. I never thought about Jennifer romantically until she asked me to take her out to a drink after that horrible mission. It was never a possibility."
"Your brain needs permission to fall in love. Is that it?" John asked.
"John," Rodney only said, because John couldn't be that obtuse.
"You're getting married tomorrow," John reminded him.
"Unless I change my mind," Rodney pointed out. "Is this possible?" He gestured between them.
"If I say yes, you'll want to fuck me blind?" John asked, sounding bitter.
"If you say yes, I'll end it with her and never look back." Rodney was surprised by his own words. But they were true. He could imagine being married to Jennifer. But he could also imagine being married to a generic smart, pretty wife. Of course Jennifer wasn't just anyone. But she also wasn't John. And when he imagined being married to John, it was everything Rodney had long stopped believing he'd ever have.
"Rodney?" John said, a slightly hopeful note in his voice, that broke Rodney out of his reverie over his revelation.
He looked at John and then didn't hesitate a second longer. He leaned forward and kissed him. John kissed back and for a few moments it was perfection until he pulled away.
"We shouldn't," John said. "You're still engaged to be married. Tomorrow."
"I'll tell her when I'm back," Rodney said. "I can't do it over the phone. I owe her that much." He didn't want to think about what this was going to do to her on what she believed to be her wedding day. But there was no going back.
"Are you sure?" John asked.
"Yes! I'm sure," Rodney said. He realized that he could think about returning to Las Vegas now without his throat tightening up. And he could think about something else without panicking. "Let's get married," he suggested. "Let's find the next chapel and just go in. Though we should have sex first just to make sure that we're compatible there," he added as an afterthought.
"You wanna fuck me blind?" John asked, amused.
Rodney looked down John's body, remembering every time he'd dismissed lusty thoughts in the last years. "I do." He wanted John, more than he could remember ever wanting anyone. And not in spite of being his best friend, but because of. Because it was John.
"We can do that, but we can't get married," John said.
"I'm not going to get any more certain," Rodney said. The idea of walking down the aisle with John filled him with anticipation rather than an undefined dread. "Or do you need more time?" he added when it occurred to him that John might not feel the same. "I know Ronon mentioned you didn't want to marry again, but-"
"I'll marry you," John assured him with a smile. "But it's not legal here."
Oh. Rodney hadn't even considered that. He hadn't considered what it meant that he'd marry a man instead of a woman. Because it didn't matter to him. And it shouldn't. "We can marry in Canada," he said decisively.
"Yes, or in a state where it's legal," John said. "But not today or tomorrow. You should talk to Jennifer. And then we can think about a place and a date. You can make sure your sister can come with her family. And I can talk to my brother."
Rodney tried not to be impatient. Now that he finally felt unambiguously great about marrying he didn't want to wait. But it wasn't just his decision.
"If you're so certain, you'll still be certain a week from now. Or a month," John said, though it sounded a bit like a question.
"I will," Rodney said. His feelings for John had built over years. They weren't just going to go away.
John took his hand. "I love you."
Rodney's heart skipped a beat. "Yes, I know. I mean...you said what you think marriage should be like and you said yes, so I assumed," he babbled, making John smile happily. "I love you too."
John lit up at that. "I know."
"Did you know?" Rodney asked, suddenly wondering. "Is that why you took me here?"
"You wanted to go. I knew you had doubts even if you didn't realize it. I didn't know that...this was a possibility," John said.
"Ha! So you didn't think we were meant to be either," Rodney said gleefully.
"Yes, but I couldn't help falling for you anyway," John shot back. "I've wanted to fuck you blind since you walked into that energy cloud our first year."
Rodney didn't know what to say to that. There was no adequate answer really. "Feel free anytime you want," he said instead. "Well, when it's not interrupting work and I assume on missions."
"You assume right," John said. "Not tonight. Let's wait until you've settled things with Jennifer. We can still stay the night." He came closer and kissed Rodney again.
Rodney looked at the bed. "Are you a cuddler?"
John smiled. "Let's find out."
Author: velocitygrass
Pairing: John Sheppard/Rodney McKay, McKay/Keller established
Rating: PG
Warnings/Content notes: ( skip) None of the standard warnings apply
Spoilers: through season 5
Word count: 5492
Summary: There was no obvious reason for the suffocation he'd increasingly felt. It wasn't cold feet. If he could skip two days and just be married, he would.
Note: Also available at AO3.
What happens in Vegas, doesn't
"Take me away," Rodney pleaded to John.
He'd just gotten off the phone where Jeannie had yelled at him non-stop and only ceased because she had to get on her flight to Las Vegas-presumably to continue yelling at him once she arrived.
With Teyla and Jennifer going into full wedding planning mode and Ronon talking about the pre-wedding traditions he'd learned about-obviously from the worst kinds of marines or someone who really hated him-Rodney wanted to be anywhere but here.
He'd thought the point of eloping was to avoid all of this!
John gave him a long look. "Anywhere in particular?" he eventually said.
"I don't care," Rodney said.
Thankfully John's only answer was to slide on his shades and say, "Let's go."
~~
The desert around them made it oddly easy for Rodney to clear his mind of what was going on in Las Vegas. It was sand and rocks and occasionally vegetation that looked more alien than the one they'd encountered in actual alien worlds.
Sheppard was listening to a Johnny Cash compilation and even that was soothing somehow.
They didn't talk, which was fine by Rodney. He wouldn't know what to say anyway. There was no obvious reason for the suffocation he'd increasingly felt. It wasn't cold feet. If he could skip two days and just be married, he would.
But waiting for Jennifer's father to fly in, then calling Jeannie, the sudden suggestions of looking at chapels and restaurants, and Ronon's ideas about strippers was just too much. He couldn't imagine why people voluntarily planned weddings for a year or even longer.
He shuddered at the thought.
"Too cold?" Sheppard asked, ready to adjust the AC in the car when Rodney shook his head.
Sheppard pulled back his hand, and they kept on driving through blissful nothing.
~~
"Oh, there's green," Rodney said after he didn't know how long.
"Golf course," Sheppard said with a smirk.
"Hmm, if they have that, they probably have food too," Rodney said. He looked at his watch. They'd driven for almost two hours.
"Restaurant or takeaway?" Sheppard asked.
"Just get us something and then stop somewhere outside town," Rodney said. He'd liked the desert. He suspected it was that it was the opposite of Las Vegas and a big part of that was the lack of people.
~~
Sheppard drove off the highway a bit out of town and stopped in the middle of nowhere. They opened the doors and ate in silence.
When Rodney was done, he breathed in deeply. Now he felt human again.
He got out of the car and looked around. Rocks and sand with surprisingly many spots of grass or bushes or whatever it was that managed to grow here.
He walked over to a slightly larger rock and sat down. Sheppard joined him.
Rodney wished he could stop time. Right now he felt calm and in control. Just thinking about Jennifer and Teyla looking at chapels made his heart rate speed up. Maybe they were looking at wedding dresses. God, would they pick a tux for him that they'd have to get fitted before the ceremony?
Rodney took another deep breath and tried to think not of tomorrow, but the days after.
"It's absurd," he said out loud. "I can imagine being married to Jennifer much more easily than getting married to her."
Sheppard didn't speak for a moment before commenting, "A lot of things are like that. People love to ski but they don't think about climbing up the mountain."
"You ski?" Rodney asked. Then he shook his head and immediately went on. "Forget it. Going fast and risking your life. Of course you ski."
John gave him an understanding smile. Then he sobered. "It'll be over quick enough. This is nothing compared to how other people get married."
Rodney had the feeling it was more than a general observation. "You?" he asked.
John made a face. "It was the social event of the summer."
"I thought eloping would be simple," Rodney said.
"It's not?" John asked.
Rodney didn't know how to answer that. Technically it was simple. They'd gotten a marriage license, and tomorrow they'd walk into whatever chapel Jennifer had picked and be done with it. It was a far cry from what he could only imagine Sheppard's experience had been.
In terms of time and preparation it was simple. But Rodney still couldn't imagine going through the act without feeling suffocated. He had no idea why. He should be happy to do it. He looked forward to married life with Jennifer. This should be easy.
"It's okay not to rush into this," John said, looking ahead at the desert. "You should think about it. It's important."
Rodney watched him for a moment. "Was that your mistake? Not enough thinking?"
John seemed to consider it. "No," he eventually said. "I just wasn't a good husband."
Rodney raised an eyebrow.
"I didn't cheat on her if that's what you're thinking," John said, glancing at Rodney. "But being a good husband is more than not cheating. Being married means work. It means...well, you know. You're getting into it in 24 hours."
Rodney tried not to think of the wedding but what he imagined their married life would be like based on their relationship so far. "It means working on being the person the other one fell in love with," he guessed. He wasn't completely oblivious to how the world worked. One of the reasons couples split up was when they stopped trying. With their busy lives it was often difficult to find time for each other, but they tried to find the time. And apparently he hadn't failed so often that Jennifer couldn't live with it.
John frowned. "Well, to a degree it means not changing completely. But if you were honest with each other, that shouldn't be a problem."
"So what did you mean?" Rodney asked.
John looked away, staying silent for a long time. Eventually, he said quietly, "Allowing yourself to be vulnerable."
"Like you now?" Rodney couldn't help saying. He knew how much John hated talking about feelings, especially his own.
John turned to stare at him, then looked away again.
"You can," Rodney said. "I know I'm not exactly known for my sensitivity..."
John snorted.
"Thank you for trying," Rodney said. "I know it's hard for you."
"Yeah." John swallowed. "So you can be with her?" he asked, and it almost felt like a diversion. Anything but talking about his feelings.
A smile tugged on Rodney's face but he didn't call John on it. Instead he considered his question. Could he be vulnerable with Jennifer?
He didn't feel vulnerable very often. There were moments of insecurity about Jennifer finding a younger guy, but he knew she'd just reassure him if he ever mentioned it. And it wasn't as if she had ever given him a reason to doubt her sincerity and commitment to their relationship.
There were other situations like coming back from an especially hard mission. But in those moments, he preferred to be with his team-especially John, who could lend his support without words. Sometimes words couldn't change anything. And his team would understand that. Because they'd been there with him. But that wasn't really Jennifer's fault.
"I don't need to be with her," Rodney concluded.
John gave him a sideways glance, clearly doubting Rodney's conclusion. But he didn't say anything and looked at the desert again.
"We're not like that," Rodney tried to explain. "I know there are couples who are everything to each other. But...I know I can talk with her about everything. It doesn't mean that I want to. You know some of our missions. It's hard to understand if you weren't there."
John nodded. "You," he began, but then stopped and shook his head.
"I what?" Rodney asked.
"You don't have to be everything to each other, but you'll have to make decisions together," John said. "Like do you want kids?"
"It's under consideration," was Rodney's measured response. They had actually talked about that. "If yes, then not right now."
"What if either of you gets a job offer they can't refuse?" John asked.
"You mean better than Atlantis?" Rodney asked, not hiding his doubt.
"Hypothetically speaking," John said. "And you couldn't stay on Atlantis once you have kids," he added.
Rodney tried not to think about that. "Either of us could easily get a job almost anywhere in the world," he said. It was one of the perks of being a genius.
"And you would?" John asked, looking at him. "If she wanted to work at a great clinic or be with her father?"
"Why not?" Rodney said, though he didn't meet John's eyes. He didn't want to consider this right now. Besides, they both wanted to stay on Atlantis, so it wasn't as if this was a decision he'd have to make in the near future.
"Good then," John said, though it was obvious that he wasn't convinced.
They sat in silence for a while.
"Do you want to go back?" John eventually asked.
"It's still time!" Rodney said quickly. He felt the tightening of his throat at the thought of returning. "Let's just enjoy the quiet for some time."
~~
They sat in silence, and Rodney concentrated on nothing but the desert, clearing his head. It was peaceful. He wasn't usually someone who needed this-quite the contrary-but after Las Vegas and with everything waiting there for him it felt like a lifeline. He relished being able to get away from it all.
It occurred to him that he wasn't actually alone, but strangely, John's presence didn't disturb his peace. Quite the opposite. John had taken out his smart phone and started playing games at some point. Rodney looked at him concentrating on the screen and smiled. John looked over and raised an eyebrow at finding Rodney watching him. Rodney only shook his head.
"We'll have to go if we don't want to drive back in the dark," John said.
Rodney tensed. "We don't have to be back tonight," he said without thinking.
John looked surprised. "Uh, sure. We could find a hotel," he suggested.
"No, you're right," Rodney said, trying to get over himself. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I should be happy. Jennifer is great. I want to be married to her. This shouldn't be so difficult. Let's go back. Jeannie will be waiting to yell some more at me."
"No, we'll stay," John said. "Take all the time that you need."
"Need for what?" Rodney asked.
"To think this through," John answered. "This is important. Maybe the most important decision any of us take in life. If we're doing it right." He gazed out at the desert as he said the last.
Rodney could only guess that John hadn't done it right. But this wasn't about John. "I agree that it's an important decision. But I've already decided. That's why we came here. Not doing it isn't really an option at this point. And there's no good reason for me not to do this."
"Then maybe there's a bad reason," John said. "Sleep over it. The wedding isn't until tomorrow afternoon."
"All right," Rodney gave in.
~~
"Two rooms next to each other," Sheppard asked at the reception.
"John. We can take a room together," Rodney said.
John gave him a quick look, then turned to the receptionist. "Two single beds."
"No," Rodney corrected him. "One double."
John looked at him.
"I don't expect we'll sleep much," Rodney said. At John's widening eyes, he said, "Because we'll talk!" Rodney felt himself flush.
John turned back to the receptionist. "One room with a double bed."
~~
While Sheppard went ahead to the room, Rodney stayed in the lobby to call Jennifer. She sounded cheerful when she greeted him. He was happy that at least she seemed to enjoy this trip. "I just wanted to let you know that I'm coming back tomorrow," he said.
"Where are you?" Jennifer asked.
"Uhm. Actually, I don't know. It's a town between Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon. It has a golf course."
Jennifer snorted. "That could actually narrow it down to just one or two. So you'll stay the night?"
"Yeah," he said.
"Okay. Oh, I found a different chapel. It's less Vegas if you know what I mean. I think it's more us."
"Sounds great," he said, trying not to let his throat tighten up.
"Tomorrow," she said, and he could feel her excitement through the line.
He still couldn't understand why he didn't feel the same. "Tomorrow," he said. "Bye."
~~
The room had quite a nice view of the desert. Rodney stood on the balcony, wondering what he was doing here, but at the same time relieved that they weren't returning for the night.
After a few minutes, John joined him on the balcony with two bottles of beer.
"Thanks," Rodney said, taking a long sip.
"Was she mad?" John asked, not looking at him.
Rodney turned to him. "What? No, why would she be?"
John shrugged.
Rodney frowned, then forgot about it and went back to the real problem at hand. "I don't understand why this isn't as easy for me as it is for her."
"Many women dream about a wedding," John said.
"I don't really think she's one of them," Rodney said. "Who knows. Maybe she is. Though certainly not enough to insist on one of those Big Weddings. I never understood how you could make such a disproportionate deal out of it. I mean people going into debt for a giant wedding." Thinking about John had told him earlier, he added, "No offense."
"Was my father's money," John said easily. "He had more than enough. And it was good for business too."
Rodney cringed. He could really be glad that this wouldn't be anything like Sheppard's wedding. Unfortunately that still didn't make it easy. "If we'd just flown here and done the deed, it would have been easier I think. But I can understand that she wants her father to be here."
"And you your sister," John added.
"I regret telling her," Rodney disagreed.
"No, you don't," John said, giving him a look.
"Yes, I do," Rodney insisted. "Instead of thanking me that I invited her or congratulating me, she yelled what I was thinking. That she can't even take Madison and Kaleb. I told her she didn't have to come, and she only rubbed it in that I wasn't at hers and that she wasn't such a horrible person."
"She loves you," John said.
"And I love her," Rodney conceded. "But it doesn't make it easier to get along with her."
"She'll be happy for you," John said.
"We'll see," Rodney said, thinking about her words. He doubted that even a flight across half the country could perform such a miracle.
John raised an eyebrow.
"She asked me why so suddenly," Rodney began to explain. "I... Let's not talk about it. I'm sure she'll call as soon as her plane landed." He took another sip, resigned to his fate.
~~
Rodney lay down on the bed while John went to the bathroom. It was pretty comfortable.
"Tired?" John asked when he came out and saw him.
"It's not that late," Rodney said. "I've been thinking about how easy it is to imagine being married to Jennifer. She's a great person. She's smart. She's beautiful. She loves me the way I am." John coughed. "What?" Rodney asked.
"Nothing," John said. "I just... You keep mentioning how she'll be mad if you're late or if you do this or that."
"Well, that's just... Of course she's not happy about everything I do. But compared to my previous relationships, she's very understanding. With Katie...she was so nice and sweet, I felt terrible every time I even raised my voice."
"And yet you were going to propose to her," John pointed out.
Rodney gave him a look.
"Sorry," John said.
"No, you're right," Rodney admitted. "That wasn't very well thought out."
"To put it mildly," John said, looking anywhere but Rodney.
"Jennifer is much more understanding," Rodney said, not letting Sheppard get a rise out of him. "My previous relationships all ended because they didn't like how I acted. Or if they didn't care about it, it was because they didn't really care about me either." After a moment he added, "Those weren't even bad half the time."
"But that's not the kind of person you marry," John said.
"No," Rodney agreed. "You should care. And I do. And so does she. We're working out surprisingly well. Which is why I don't understand why this is so hard for me."
"Maybe it should be more than 'working out surprisingly well,'" John suggested carefully.
"What more do you want?" Rodney asked. "Let's be realistic here. Hearts fluttering 24/7 isn't going to happen. And I wouldn't want it to. It would be distracting from work."
John laughed. Then he got serious again. "The person you marry should be special. There should be a connection."
"Being vulnerable," Rodney said, thinking of their discussion earlier.
"Yes. And being there for them in return," John said. "Knowing that both of you always have each other. That you'll never...be afraid of that feeling that you're alone in the world. You know." Rodney frowned. "Maybe you don't," John said, averting his gaze.
"No, I do," Rodney immediately said. He didn't feel like that often. It happened when something he'd been certain would work didn't. "I come to you when I don't want to feel that way," he added. Then he thought about Doranda. "Well, unless I pissed you off and you're not talking to me." Those were the worst times.
John looked at him, frowning. "When do I- I'm sorry."
"No, it's...well, I can't say it feels good, but I understand it most of the time," Rodney said.
"I'm sorry," John repeated. "You can always come to me. I'm never so pissed off at you that I can't be there for you. If you...if you need me."
Rodney looked at him. He knew how hard it was for John to say this. Which made Rodney appreciate it all the more that he did.
"But don't...abuse that trust," John added. "Don't try to... Don't do it just to get me to stop being mad at you."
"I won't," Rodney said. "I'll try at least," he added. He wasn't perfect, and he knew it.
But apparently it was good enough for John who gave him a quick nod.
"Thank you," Rodney said sincerely. In all the years that he'd known John, he'd never seen him open himself to someone like this. It meant the world to him.
"You're welcome," John said quickly, looking towards the balcony as if he was contemplating escape.
Rodney stood up. "Can I ask you something? You don't have to say yes if you don't want to."
"Go ahead," John said, steeling himself.
"It's nothing bad," Rodney said. "Well...can we hug? I know that-"
John smiled and nodded. They moved as one and wrapped their arms around each other. Rodney squeezed John tight and was gratified to feel John hug him back just as fiercely. Then they let go of each other and smiled at each other.
"You know, this goes both ways," Rodney said. "I know you're all stoic, but if you need someone to talk to or anything. I'll be there for you."
"If you can. I know," John said, nodding.
"I'll make the time," Rodney promised.
"If you're a galaxy away, it might be hard," John said.
Rodney shook his head. "We'll stay together."
John snorted. "Your wife and the Air Force might have a say in that."
Rodney took John's wrist in his hand. "We'll figure out a way," he said seriously.
John nodded. Then he gave Rodney a tight smile.
"That almost felt like wedding vows," Rodney commented.
John's smile widened. Then he cleared his throat. "You wanna go grab a bite?"
"God, yes!"
~~
They ate at a little restaurant near the hotel, keeping to safe topics like Route 66 and weather in the desert. Rodney was just starting his dessert when his phone rang. It was Jeannie. He made a face and took the call.
"Where the hell are you?" Jeannie greeted him.
"Hello to you too," Rodney said. To John, he mouthed 'Jeannie'. John nodded in understanding.
"You elope to Vegas, and now I learn you're not even here," Jeannie resumed her pre-flight yelling.
"I'm enjoying a nice evening in the desert, though we've previously been informed that it's not actually desert but some kind of steppe," Rodney said calmly.
"Mer!" Jeannie shouted.
"I'll be back tomorrow. You can yell at me then," Rodney told her.
"You'll stay the night?" she asked.
"Yes," Rodney said.
There was a long moment of blessed silence, then Jeannie asked more quietly, "Are you sure?"
"We've already booked the room," Rodney said.
"I meant about the wedding," Jeannie said.
"Weren't you the one who told me I'm not getting any younger?" Rodney couldn't help reminding her.
"Oh, Mer. Not like that," Jeannie said, her voice suddenly full of pity. "You aren't getting any younger, but that doesn't mean you should just marry for the sake of marrying. You should want it. You should want it so much that you'd give up what you love for it." After a moment, she added, "Even your family."
Rodney swallowed. "You should be glad that I don't have to," he said stiffly.
"I am. But Mer, you should think about it. Would you be willing to give up Atlantis for her? Or your team? Sheppard?"
"Right now, there isn't much to give up," Rodney said, clinging to the thought that this wasn't a choice like that.
"You know what I mean," Jeannie said.
"I thought you'd be happy for me," Rodney said, instead of answering her. She'd always been the one that wanted him to 'find someone'.
"I will be if you can tell me that this is really what you want," Jeannie said. "That you can't wait to marry her because she's the one person in the world you can't live without."
Rodney didn't say anything, looking at John who watched him with sympathy.
"Think about it, Mer," Jeannie went on. "Don't come back before you're sure."
"I'll be back tomorrow," Rodney said automatically. "Bye." He hung up. He looked at his unfinished dessert. "I'm not that hungry anymore."
John raised an eyebrow.
"Oh, all right," Rodney said and dug in to finish his dessert.
~~
They were silent on the walk back to the hotel.
Once in their room, Rodney spoke. "She said I shouldn't come back until I'm sure that...well, essentially that Jennifer's 'the one'."
"You don't believe in that?" John asked neutrally.
"That out of billions of people on the planet there is exactly one that you can form a happy, lasting relationship with. No, I don't," Rodney said.
"I don't think it's meant quite so literally," John said.
"Even if not. What my sister is asking is perfection. Just because she met that English teacher of hers and can't live without him..." Rodney trailed off, sighing. "I'm happy for her. I won't say I'm not bitter that she gave up her career, but it was her choice and apparently it makes her happy. But it's just not going to be like that for all of us. Or even most of us. I get what she wants. She wants the person that she can have long talks with, thinks about first thing in the morning and last thing at night, that agrees to eat tofurkey for Thanksgiving and... She wants that mythical person that's the best friend in the world to you and that you want to fuck blind at the same time."
John's eyes widened.
"Well, it's true," Rodney said. "Isn't that what the perfect wife is supposed to be?"
"Just haven't heard it put quite like that," John said.
"It's an ideal. But we live in the real world. Would it be nice to have that? God, yes. Who wouldn't want that?" Rodney said. "But it's not going to happen. I can pick the people who would fit even one of that definition on one hand. And in my experience the two are unrelated. Actually, some of the people I've found hottest in my life, I didn't even want to be friends with, let alone best friends."
John seemed to consider that.
"Was your wife both for you? Neither?" Rodney asked.
John was silent for a moment. "I've never really felt that sexual urge for women," he eventually said, looking at Rodney before quickly dropping his gaze.
Rodney might be oblivious, but he could read between the lines. It wasn't the first time he wondered if John was bisexual. "A man then. Did you have someone who was both for you?"
"Well, I'm not sure about fuck you blind," John said, "but we had a healthy sex life and we were quite close."
"But it didn't work out," Rodney concluded.
"No, he...he asked me to choose him or the Air Force," John said.
"Oh." Rodney wasn't above making fun of the more idiotic things about the armed forces, but he had a healthy respect for good officers and John was a great one-at least for Atlantis. He didn't want to imagine what their first year might have been like with someone else at the top of the chain of command. And he knew what the Air Force meant to John. To ask him to give it up seemed almost cruel.
"It was better this way," John deflected. "He wouldn't have handled the deployments. To be fair, it didn't make my marriage easier either. It's hard. My hat's off to anyone who makes it work. I couldn't."
"With them," Rodney said. "Maybe with someone else."
John shrugged. "Maybe." Then he smirked and added, "Still waiting for someone to fuck blind."
"Your best friend to fuck blind," Rodney corrected.
John's smirk faded, and he dropped his gaze.
Rodney thought about what they'd done earlier. Their 'vows'. John was his best friend, there was no question about it. On this day more than any other. "It's too bad we were never meant to be."
John looked at him, frowning, then he looked away again.
"Right?" Rodney asked.
"I'm not sure what you mean," John said. "If you don't believe in the one, wouldn't that also mean not believing in meant to be or not?"
"Of course," Rodney said. "I didn't mean it like that. I meant as team and friends, our relationship...it couldn't have been more." That had always been what he'd thought, why he'd refused to go there in his mind. John hadn't been meant for him.
"I don't know what you want me to say," John said.
Rodney raised his eyebrow. "I want you to say...between Don't Ask Don't Tell when it was still in place and fraternization rules and our responsibilities and everything...it was not the right time and place." Was, not is. Rodney knew what he was asking. "You're my best friend already. Could you be both?"
"I don't know. Do you want to fuck me blind?" John asked, challenge in his voice.
"That's what I've been trying to say. I never thought about it because I thought it wasn't meant to be." It had been easier to ignore it than to deal with it.
"So the answer is no," John concluded from Rodney's answer.
"No, the answer is I haven't thought about it until now," Rodney corrected him.
"Attraction doesn't just happen because you decide to think about it," John said.
"Well, no. And it's not like I don't recognize you're physically attractive," Rodney said. "I'm not blind. But wanting is something else. I never thought about Jennifer romantically until she asked me to take her out to a drink after that horrible mission. It was never a possibility."
"Your brain needs permission to fall in love. Is that it?" John asked.
"John," Rodney only said, because John couldn't be that obtuse.
"You're getting married tomorrow," John reminded him.
"Unless I change my mind," Rodney pointed out. "Is this possible?" He gestured between them.
"If I say yes, you'll want to fuck me blind?" John asked, sounding bitter.
"If you say yes, I'll end it with her and never look back." Rodney was surprised by his own words. But they were true. He could imagine being married to Jennifer. But he could also imagine being married to a generic smart, pretty wife. Of course Jennifer wasn't just anyone. But she also wasn't John. And when he imagined being married to John, it was everything Rodney had long stopped believing he'd ever have.
"Rodney?" John said, a slightly hopeful note in his voice, that broke Rodney out of his reverie over his revelation.
He looked at John and then didn't hesitate a second longer. He leaned forward and kissed him. John kissed back and for a few moments it was perfection until he pulled away.
"We shouldn't," John said. "You're still engaged to be married. Tomorrow."
"I'll tell her when I'm back," Rodney said. "I can't do it over the phone. I owe her that much." He didn't want to think about what this was going to do to her on what she believed to be her wedding day. But there was no going back.
"Are you sure?" John asked.
"Yes! I'm sure," Rodney said. He realized that he could think about returning to Las Vegas now without his throat tightening up. And he could think about something else without panicking. "Let's get married," he suggested. "Let's find the next chapel and just go in. Though we should have sex first just to make sure that we're compatible there," he added as an afterthought.
"You wanna fuck me blind?" John asked, amused.
Rodney looked down John's body, remembering every time he'd dismissed lusty thoughts in the last years. "I do." He wanted John, more than he could remember ever wanting anyone. And not in spite of being his best friend, but because of. Because it was John.
"We can do that, but we can't get married," John said.
"I'm not going to get any more certain," Rodney said. The idea of walking down the aisle with John filled him with anticipation rather than an undefined dread. "Or do you need more time?" he added when it occurred to him that John might not feel the same. "I know Ronon mentioned you didn't want to marry again, but-"
"I'll marry you," John assured him with a smile. "But it's not legal here."
Oh. Rodney hadn't even considered that. He hadn't considered what it meant that he'd marry a man instead of a woman. Because it didn't matter to him. And it shouldn't. "We can marry in Canada," he said decisively.
"Yes, or in a state where it's legal," John said. "But not today or tomorrow. You should talk to Jennifer. And then we can think about a place and a date. You can make sure your sister can come with her family. And I can talk to my brother."
Rodney tried not to be impatient. Now that he finally felt unambiguously great about marrying he didn't want to wait. But it wasn't just his decision.
"If you're so certain, you'll still be certain a week from now. Or a month," John said, though it sounded a bit like a question.
"I will," Rodney said. His feelings for John had built over years. They weren't just going to go away.
John took his hand. "I love you."
Rodney's heart skipped a beat. "Yes, I know. I mean...you said what you think marriage should be like and you said yes, so I assumed," he babbled, making John smile happily. "I love you too."
John lit up at that. "I know."
"Did you know?" Rodney asked, suddenly wondering. "Is that why you took me here?"
"You wanted to go. I knew you had doubts even if you didn't realize it. I didn't know that...this was a possibility," John said.
"Ha! So you didn't think we were meant to be either," Rodney said gleefully.
"Yes, but I couldn't help falling for you anyway," John shot back. "I've wanted to fuck you blind since you walked into that energy cloud our first year."
Rodney didn't know what to say to that. There was no adequate answer really. "Feel free anytime you want," he said instead. "Well, when it's not interrupting work and I assume on missions."
"You assume right," John said. "Not tonight. Let's wait until you've settled things with Jennifer. We can still stay the night." He came closer and kissed Rodney again.
Rodney looked at the bed. "Are you a cuddler?"
John smiled. "Let's find out."