Challenge #69 fic: Checking the perimeters. Rodney/Jennifer. John/Rodney. PG.
Title: Checking the perimeters
Author: velocitygrass
Pairing: Rodney McKay/Jennifer Keller established, John Sheppard/Rodney McKay (one-sided or pre-slash)
Rating: PG
Warnings/Content notes: ( skip) None that I'm aware of
Spoilers: Through 5x20
Word count: 3201
Summary: John and Jennifer are stuck together off-world, and Jennifer takes the opportunity to talk to him about Rodney.
Note: Many thanks to neevebrody for the beta! (I still messed with it a bit afterwards...)
Checking the perimeters
"They're going to get us. It's only been a few hours. They'll have to assemble a team and figure out the best way to get us out of here."
John didn't say anything. For the past four and a half hours, Keller had been pacing back and forth in the cave that they'd fled into, and every now and then she would start babbling nervously. It was worse than Rodney had been at the beginning, and he couldn't even tell her to shut up.
"I'm sorry," she said, as if she knew what he was thinking, which he really hoped she didn't. "I know that this is normal for you. Worse things happen to you all the time. I've seen the results of it. I've dealt with the results of it. Of course, that's easier because then I know what I'm doing. Most of the time at least. I would feel better if you were injured."
He stared at her incredulously.
Her eyes widened. "Not that I- Of course, I wouldn't want you to be injured. I just meant, then I'd have something to do and could be useful. I would never- I'd have no reason to-"
"I'll go check the perimeters," he said tersely, stepping out of the cave. There was nothing to check, of course. They had a good view from the entrance of the cave, and anyone approaching could be seen from miles. But he couldn't listen to Keller any longer.
It wasn't what she said. He'd heard Rodney say worse things and never batted an eyelash. Hell, if it had been Rodney, he'd glare and say, "Gee, thanks, McKay. Wanna shoot me, so you can feel useful?"
But he wasn't close enough to Keller to do the same with her. And he didn't want to be. Truthfully, he was glad if he didn't have to be near her at all.
He knew that wasn't being fair. She was a good doctor and a nice person. Her bedside manner left a little to be desired, but she cared about her patients and made them better, and that was really all he could ask of her.
Precisely, what he couldn't ask of her was to not be Rodney's girlfriend-slash-soon-to-be-fiancée-slash-eventually-to-be-wife. And that was really what it came down to. He didn't think he and Jennifer ever would have become close friends, but if she wasn't with Rodney, John wouldn't feel the urge to leave the room whenever she was in it.
He'd only ended up here with her because they'd split up and he'd sent Ronon with Rodney. When all hell had broken loose he'd sent Teyla to the gate and went to get Keller.
"Everything all right?" Keller asked from the entrance.
John sighed. She wasn't trained for this he reminded himself. He needed to take care of her as he would with any other civilian in this situation. He pulled himself together and went back to the cave.
"Everything's clear," he said in his calming, everything-will-be-fine voice. "I don't think they're looking for us. And even if they are, they won't find us. We'd notice well ahead of time. Don't worry."
She visibly relaxed. "Uhm. How long do you think it will take?"
The truth was, he was wondering where the others were, why reinforcements hadn't been sent already. "I don't know. But we're safe here."
She nodded. "There's the stream and it shouldn't get too cold at nights here. So the only problem might be food," she said.
John resolutely did not think about having to spend the night with her. He got out a powerbar and handed it to her.
"No, it's yours. I already had mine. I'm fine," she said, pushing the bar back to him.
So not completely like Rodney. "I have two. You can have this one."
She hesitated.
"I could easily go back into the village and get some food. There's no danger of starving. I'd just like to keep this position for a while if possible," he said.
She nodded and took it. "Thank you," she said, unwrapping it. "So? Military preparedness, huh?" she asked, lifting the bar, apparently trying to make small talk.
"McKay preparedness," he said with a snort. He only realized what he'd said, when she stopped pushing the bar into her mouth for a second. He looked away.
He could hear her chew on the bar. He wondered if he could get away with checking the perimeters again but decided to just wait it out. She finished the bar, putting away the wrapper, and John contemplated sitting down again for the next long stretch of waiting, when she said, "The two of you are very close."
John didn't turn to her. He supposed he could pretend he didn't know who she was talking about, but then she might tell him, and he'd have gained nothing. "We're team," he said instead, meeting her eyes, as if that explained why he carried around an extra powerbar for Rodney.
"Team didn't stay with him day and night when he was sick," she said.
John wanted to protest and say that Ronon and Teyla had been as worried about Rodney as he had been and that he'd asked them to go to bed while he'd stayed. But that in and of itself was telling. "We're friends," he conceded.
"Just friends?" she asked.
He looked up sharply, brows furrowing. Did she think that Rodney was cheating on her? With him?!
"No, I didn't-" she quickly said, answering his unspoken questions. "I know that Rodney would never betray me. Knowingly."
John didn't know what she wanted to imply. And he didn't know how Rodney would unknowingly betray her. "He loves you," John said, even though it almost made him sick having to say it out loud.
"Yes, that's what he says," she said.
John was getting really uncomfortable. "Listen, if you think you have a problem with Rodney, you should take it up with him. What's going on between the two of you is none of my business, and I'd like to keep it that way. I'll go check-"
"-the perimeters, I know. Colonel. John," she said.
"Look, I don't know what your problem is. As far as I know, you and Rodney are the happiest couple on Earth," he said, sarcasm slipping in without his intentions. At her raised eyebrow, he amended, "I mean ..." God, he wasn't going to have to say this. Except, he was. "He's going to propose to you. You know that, right?"
She looked away but didn't seem surprised. "I had a feeling, yes." She sighed.
John frowned again. "You're not going to turn him down, are you?" That wasn't possible. Rodney would be completely heart-broken. And she'd made him believe that she loved him back, that she loved him as much as he loved her.
"No, I ..." She didn't finish whatever she was about to say. After a second, she sat back down on the little blanket, leaning against her backpack. "When he's with me, I feel like I'm the most important thing in the world for him," she said, gaze lost in a faraway place.
God, why did he have to be the one to hear this. He was the least neutral person imaginable. If he agreed that they didn't belong together, he was an asshole for trying to break up his best friend's relationship, and if he tried to encourage her, he was a fucking masochist. He could simply step out of the cave again, of course. But that wouldn't erase what he'd heard and would only make him wonder what else she would have said. And she might just follow him.
He settled down on the ground opposite of her.
She didn't acknowledge him. "It's when he's not with me that things get murky. Or maybe I should say when he's not just with me," she said, finally looking at him.
She meant when he was present, John realized. He didn't know what to say to that. Whenever he saw them together, it seemed to John that Rodney only had eyes for her.
"It's not just you," she said, looking away again. "It's also his work, an exciting idea that won't let him go."
She was jealous of his work? If that was her problem, there was really no chance for their relationship. "Science is what he lives for," John said. "But it's not whom he lives with." He hoped she understood what he meant.
She seemed to contemplate his words. Eventually, she looked at him again. "And that would be enough for you?" she asked.
John frowned again. This wasn't about his feelings. Didn't she understand that this could never be about his feelings? Apparently not, because she still looked at him expectantly. "It's irrelevant how I feel about it," he said.
"But you wouldn't mind always coming in second place or third or fourth? If it were relevant?" she persisted.
"I don't want him to change," he said.
"Is that what I'm doing?" she asked. "Maybe I am. But isn't being with someone a change? If you want to share your life with someone, doesn't that have to mean change?"
"I'm not the best person to talk to about relationships," he said.
"Maybe not, but I don't think I'll find anyone better to talk about Rodney," she said.
"Not Rodney in a relationship," he countered.
"Right, because you never thought about that," she said and that was definitely sarcasm in her voice.
She couldn't be implying .... They'd been skirting along this all through this conversation, but this was crossing the line beyond plausible deniability. Time to put on the brakes. "McKay is my team member and friend, nothing more."
She stared at him, looking stubborn suddenly. She really was like Rodney in many ways. She looked away, and they sat in silence for a while.
"Okay," she suddenly said. "I know that this isn't easy for you, but I'm just trying not to make the biggest mistake of my life here, and I'm not just doing this for me but also for Rodney. I would have thought this was in your interest as well."
"My interest?" John echoed. What did she think? That if she broke up with Rodney, he would magically turn gay for John and fall straight into his arms?
"As his friend," she said.
Right, that. He didn't want Rodney to be unhappy. But still. "I can't tell you whether or not you should marry him."
"Do you think he'd be happy with me?" she asked.
"Of course," John said without hesitation. Rodney had never made the slightest indication that he wasn't happy, and when John thought about the two of them, he thought of Rodney smiling adoringly at her.
"What makes you so certain?" she asked.
"I have no reason to believe he wouldn't be happy."
"You don't think he might be missing something after a while?"
"What would he be missing?" he asked.
She sighed. "Could we please stop beating around the bush for a minute?"
John didn't say anything, instead bracing himself for what she thought they weren't talking about.
"You're in love with him," she said. John felt the air leave his lungs. Nobody had ever put it into words. Not even he himself. "And Rodney ..."
She stopped, and John held his breath. There was nowhere for this sentence to go. Rodney didn't feel anything for him beyond friendship. And he had no idea about John's feelings. At least, John fervently hoped he didn't.
"I have no idea how Rodney feels about you," she said.
John took a breath, trying to calm down. "There's nothing to know," he said eventually.
"Do you really believe that? Do you really think that what he feels for you is what he feels for Ronon or Teyla or Carson?" she asked.
"You feel different things for different people," he said.
"Why have you never told him how you felt? Or have you? I've been wondering about this. Were you two together at one point, maybe before you made contact with Earth, and you ended it because of regulations?" she asked.
John frowned. "What makes you think that?" He couldn't understand at all how she might have come up with that.
"I'd have to be blind not to see the connection between the two of you. Certainly not after Rodney got sick. He only had eyes for you and didn't even-" she stopped herself. "There's something between you, but you don't seem to be willing to have a relationship with him, and I wasn't sure if this was always the case or if at one point you were willing."
John didn't know what to say. "There never was anything," he said simply. He couldn't believe that anyone, let alone she would think it was possible. "Rodney's straight."
It was her turn to frown at him. "Did he tell you that? Is that why-"
He interrupted her before she could go on. "He didn't need to tell me."
She looked at him. "Rodney has slept with guys. He told me that himself."
John opened his mouth, but no words came out.
"You didn't know," Jennifer said.
"No, I didn't," John said.
"And you never told him how you felt. You never told him that you loved him," she continued.
John nodded absent-mindedly. He didn't know what to think. None of this made sense. It all didn't fit together. "He loves you," he said, suddenly remembering why whatever Rodney might have done in the past and whatever John hadn't done didn't matter.
"Maybe," she said. "I think he believes he loves me."
"He's happy with you," John said, conjuring up the images of Rodney smiling at her, needing to keep the irrational hope that was rising in his chest at bay.
"He could be happy with you," Jennifer countered, a weak smile on her face.
John only shook his head.
"I can't pretend that the possibility doesn't exist," she said. "I can't just look the other way and hope that Rodney never realizes what he could have with you. I can't depend on the fact that he'll never notice that he always loved you more than he loved me."
John took a deep breath. He couldn't listen to this. She wasn't right. Her words weren't truth, but speculation. Just like he wasn't able to see anything but Rodney's complete focus on her whenever he saw them together, Jennifer didn't seem to be able to see anything but what he and Rodney could be together. He shook his head again. And again.
"You don't think it's possible?" she asked.
"Anything's possible," he said. "But I don't think .... Rodney has never hinted that he has any feelings for me that go beyond friendship."
"You mean apart from his jealousy and the fact that when he couldn't remember his own name, he was still calling for you?"
"We've saved each other's lives for five years," he said. "And he only gets pissed off about the women because he doesn't understand why they don't fawn over him. Not that he'd want them, now that he has ...." You, John didn't say.
Jennifer looked at him for a long moment. "Do you even want to be with him? Just so we're clear. If Rodney came to you today and said, 'John, I was wrong. I'm leaving Jennifer to be with you,' would you turn him down?"
"That's as likely to happen as-"
"Yes or no?" she demanded, the same command in her voice that she used to clear the infirmary when she needed to.
"I wouldn't turn him down," he admitted.
"Thank you," she said quietly.
It occurred to John that he had finally admitted it to someone for the first time. Not that his lack of denial before hadn't been as good as a confession. "You can't tell anyone," he said. Not because he thought she would, but to remind her of the power she held over him.
"I won't," she assured him. "But you will."
His eyes widened. He couldn't believe that she would use this against him.
"You'll tell Rodney," she clarified.
He looked away. She couldn't ask this of him. "What if you're wrong?"
"Then at least we'll know."
He snorted. That was it? She could breathe a sigh of relief and go on and marry Rodney, certain of his feelings now, while John picked up the pieces of their destroyed friendship?
"You think not knowing is better?" she asked.
"I thought it would be for you," he admitted. She had Rodney after all.
"I'd like to know that I'm loved for my own sake and not just because my husband never realized whom he really loved."
"Our friendship wouldn't be the same," John countered.
"Not the same. It would be awkward at first, but you'd get over it. Rodney would be flattered. You think he'd hold it against you that you love him?" she asked.
John didn't think he would. She was probably right. But he didn't want to lose the ease with which they behaved towards each other now. Why should he risk this for Keller's peace of mind?
Of course, it wasn't really about Jennifer as much as about Rodney. They both wanted Rodney to be happy. This was all about him, and he was the one who had to make a decision. But for that he'd have to know his choices first. That was what Jennifer had been trying to tell him, John realized.
"What if he's confused and chooses neither of us?" John asked.
"Then he's made his choice. And it isn't for me," Jennifer said without hesitation.
"And you'd be okay with that?" he asked.
"You'd want to be with him, even if you weren't certain he really loves you?" she asked in return.
John had to think about that. It wasn't easy, since he still couldn't even imagine ever being with Rodney in the first place. He tried to do it now, conjuring up a life where they were partners, sharing kisses and touches and occasionally a bed-they wouldn't be able to live together for the time being-and then he imagined Rodney looking at Jennifer as he did now.
"No," he said. "I don't know," he amended, because maybe the pain of doubt would be better than the pain of not having him at all. But maybe that was just talking from his current perspective where little could be worse than having to watch Rodney with someone else.
"Rodney deserves the chance to make up his mind," she said. "And you need to give him time. We both do," she added.
Time to get over a brisk dismissal, she probably meant. He could see that, Rodney going, 'What the hell are you talking about?' "Yes," John agreed.
"Then it's a done deal," she said, taking a deep breath.
When she got up, he did the same.
She held out her hand. "Whatever Rodney wants," she said.
He took it. "What Rodney wants," he agreed. He only hoped that Rodney knew.
She stepped out of the entrance. He followed her.
"Time to check the perimeters?" she asked.
He nodded and smiled at her.
Author: velocitygrass
Pairing: Rodney McKay/Jennifer Keller established, John Sheppard/Rodney McKay (one-sided or pre-slash)
Rating: PG
Warnings/Content notes: ( skip) None that I'm aware of
Spoilers: Through 5x20
Word count: 3201
Summary: John and Jennifer are stuck together off-world, and Jennifer takes the opportunity to talk to him about Rodney.
Note: Many thanks to neevebrody for the beta! (I still messed with it a bit afterwards...)
Checking the perimeters
"They're going to get us. It's only been a few hours. They'll have to assemble a team and figure out the best way to get us out of here."
John didn't say anything. For the past four and a half hours, Keller had been pacing back and forth in the cave that they'd fled into, and every now and then she would start babbling nervously. It was worse than Rodney had been at the beginning, and he couldn't even tell her to shut up.
"I'm sorry," she said, as if she knew what he was thinking, which he really hoped she didn't. "I know that this is normal for you. Worse things happen to you all the time. I've seen the results of it. I've dealt with the results of it. Of course, that's easier because then I know what I'm doing. Most of the time at least. I would feel better if you were injured."
He stared at her incredulously.
Her eyes widened. "Not that I- Of course, I wouldn't want you to be injured. I just meant, then I'd have something to do and could be useful. I would never- I'd have no reason to-"
"I'll go check the perimeters," he said tersely, stepping out of the cave. There was nothing to check, of course. They had a good view from the entrance of the cave, and anyone approaching could be seen from miles. But he couldn't listen to Keller any longer.
It wasn't what she said. He'd heard Rodney say worse things and never batted an eyelash. Hell, if it had been Rodney, he'd glare and say, "Gee, thanks, McKay. Wanna shoot me, so you can feel useful?"
But he wasn't close enough to Keller to do the same with her. And he didn't want to be. Truthfully, he was glad if he didn't have to be near her at all.
He knew that wasn't being fair. She was a good doctor and a nice person. Her bedside manner left a little to be desired, but she cared about her patients and made them better, and that was really all he could ask of her.
Precisely, what he couldn't ask of her was to not be Rodney's girlfriend-slash-soon-to-be-fiancée-slash-eventually-to-be-wife. And that was really what it came down to. He didn't think he and Jennifer ever would have become close friends, but if she wasn't with Rodney, John wouldn't feel the urge to leave the room whenever she was in it.
He'd only ended up here with her because they'd split up and he'd sent Ronon with Rodney. When all hell had broken loose he'd sent Teyla to the gate and went to get Keller.
"Everything all right?" Keller asked from the entrance.
John sighed. She wasn't trained for this he reminded himself. He needed to take care of her as he would with any other civilian in this situation. He pulled himself together and went back to the cave.
"Everything's clear," he said in his calming, everything-will-be-fine voice. "I don't think they're looking for us. And even if they are, they won't find us. We'd notice well ahead of time. Don't worry."
She visibly relaxed. "Uhm. How long do you think it will take?"
The truth was, he was wondering where the others were, why reinforcements hadn't been sent already. "I don't know. But we're safe here."
She nodded. "There's the stream and it shouldn't get too cold at nights here. So the only problem might be food," she said.
John resolutely did not think about having to spend the night with her. He got out a powerbar and handed it to her.
"No, it's yours. I already had mine. I'm fine," she said, pushing the bar back to him.
So not completely like Rodney. "I have two. You can have this one."
She hesitated.
"I could easily go back into the village and get some food. There's no danger of starving. I'd just like to keep this position for a while if possible," he said.
She nodded and took it. "Thank you," she said, unwrapping it. "So? Military preparedness, huh?" she asked, lifting the bar, apparently trying to make small talk.
"McKay preparedness," he said with a snort. He only realized what he'd said, when she stopped pushing the bar into her mouth for a second. He looked away.
He could hear her chew on the bar. He wondered if he could get away with checking the perimeters again but decided to just wait it out. She finished the bar, putting away the wrapper, and John contemplated sitting down again for the next long stretch of waiting, when she said, "The two of you are very close."
John didn't turn to her. He supposed he could pretend he didn't know who she was talking about, but then she might tell him, and he'd have gained nothing. "We're team," he said instead, meeting her eyes, as if that explained why he carried around an extra powerbar for Rodney.
"Team didn't stay with him day and night when he was sick," she said.
John wanted to protest and say that Ronon and Teyla had been as worried about Rodney as he had been and that he'd asked them to go to bed while he'd stayed. But that in and of itself was telling. "We're friends," he conceded.
"Just friends?" she asked.
He looked up sharply, brows furrowing. Did she think that Rodney was cheating on her? With him?!
"No, I didn't-" she quickly said, answering his unspoken questions. "I know that Rodney would never betray me. Knowingly."
John didn't know what she wanted to imply. And he didn't know how Rodney would unknowingly betray her. "He loves you," John said, even though it almost made him sick having to say it out loud.
"Yes, that's what he says," she said.
John was getting really uncomfortable. "Listen, if you think you have a problem with Rodney, you should take it up with him. What's going on between the two of you is none of my business, and I'd like to keep it that way. I'll go check-"
"-the perimeters, I know. Colonel. John," she said.
"Look, I don't know what your problem is. As far as I know, you and Rodney are the happiest couple on Earth," he said, sarcasm slipping in without his intentions. At her raised eyebrow, he amended, "I mean ..." God, he wasn't going to have to say this. Except, he was. "He's going to propose to you. You know that, right?"
She looked away but didn't seem surprised. "I had a feeling, yes." She sighed.
John frowned again. "You're not going to turn him down, are you?" That wasn't possible. Rodney would be completely heart-broken. And she'd made him believe that she loved him back, that she loved him as much as he loved her.
"No, I ..." She didn't finish whatever she was about to say. After a second, she sat back down on the little blanket, leaning against her backpack. "When he's with me, I feel like I'm the most important thing in the world for him," she said, gaze lost in a faraway place.
God, why did he have to be the one to hear this. He was the least neutral person imaginable. If he agreed that they didn't belong together, he was an asshole for trying to break up his best friend's relationship, and if he tried to encourage her, he was a fucking masochist. He could simply step out of the cave again, of course. But that wouldn't erase what he'd heard and would only make him wonder what else she would have said. And she might just follow him.
He settled down on the ground opposite of her.
She didn't acknowledge him. "It's when he's not with me that things get murky. Or maybe I should say when he's not just with me," she said, finally looking at him.
She meant when he was present, John realized. He didn't know what to say to that. Whenever he saw them together, it seemed to John that Rodney only had eyes for her.
"It's not just you," she said, looking away again. "It's also his work, an exciting idea that won't let him go."
She was jealous of his work? If that was her problem, there was really no chance for their relationship. "Science is what he lives for," John said. "But it's not whom he lives with." He hoped she understood what he meant.
She seemed to contemplate his words. Eventually, she looked at him again. "And that would be enough for you?" she asked.
John frowned again. This wasn't about his feelings. Didn't she understand that this could never be about his feelings? Apparently not, because she still looked at him expectantly. "It's irrelevant how I feel about it," he said.
"But you wouldn't mind always coming in second place or third or fourth? If it were relevant?" she persisted.
"I don't want him to change," he said.
"Is that what I'm doing?" she asked. "Maybe I am. But isn't being with someone a change? If you want to share your life with someone, doesn't that have to mean change?"
"I'm not the best person to talk to about relationships," he said.
"Maybe not, but I don't think I'll find anyone better to talk about Rodney," she said.
"Not Rodney in a relationship," he countered.
"Right, because you never thought about that," she said and that was definitely sarcasm in her voice.
She couldn't be implying .... They'd been skirting along this all through this conversation, but this was crossing the line beyond plausible deniability. Time to put on the brakes. "McKay is my team member and friend, nothing more."
She stared at him, looking stubborn suddenly. She really was like Rodney in many ways. She looked away, and they sat in silence for a while.
"Okay," she suddenly said. "I know that this isn't easy for you, but I'm just trying not to make the biggest mistake of my life here, and I'm not just doing this for me but also for Rodney. I would have thought this was in your interest as well."
"My interest?" John echoed. What did she think? That if she broke up with Rodney, he would magically turn gay for John and fall straight into his arms?
"As his friend," she said.
Right, that. He didn't want Rodney to be unhappy. But still. "I can't tell you whether or not you should marry him."
"Do you think he'd be happy with me?" she asked.
"Of course," John said without hesitation. Rodney had never made the slightest indication that he wasn't happy, and when John thought about the two of them, he thought of Rodney smiling adoringly at her.
"What makes you so certain?" she asked.
"I have no reason to believe he wouldn't be happy."
"You don't think he might be missing something after a while?"
"What would he be missing?" he asked.
She sighed. "Could we please stop beating around the bush for a minute?"
John didn't say anything, instead bracing himself for what she thought they weren't talking about.
"You're in love with him," she said. John felt the air leave his lungs. Nobody had ever put it into words. Not even he himself. "And Rodney ..."
She stopped, and John held his breath. There was nowhere for this sentence to go. Rodney didn't feel anything for him beyond friendship. And he had no idea about John's feelings. At least, John fervently hoped he didn't.
"I have no idea how Rodney feels about you," she said.
John took a breath, trying to calm down. "There's nothing to know," he said eventually.
"Do you really believe that? Do you really think that what he feels for you is what he feels for Ronon or Teyla or Carson?" she asked.
"You feel different things for different people," he said.
"Why have you never told him how you felt? Or have you? I've been wondering about this. Were you two together at one point, maybe before you made contact with Earth, and you ended it because of regulations?" she asked.
John frowned. "What makes you think that?" He couldn't understand at all how she might have come up with that.
"I'd have to be blind not to see the connection between the two of you. Certainly not after Rodney got sick. He only had eyes for you and didn't even-" she stopped herself. "There's something between you, but you don't seem to be willing to have a relationship with him, and I wasn't sure if this was always the case or if at one point you were willing."
John didn't know what to say. "There never was anything," he said simply. He couldn't believe that anyone, let alone she would think it was possible. "Rodney's straight."
It was her turn to frown at him. "Did he tell you that? Is that why-"
He interrupted her before she could go on. "He didn't need to tell me."
She looked at him. "Rodney has slept with guys. He told me that himself."
John opened his mouth, but no words came out.
"You didn't know," Jennifer said.
"No, I didn't," John said.
"And you never told him how you felt. You never told him that you loved him," she continued.
John nodded absent-mindedly. He didn't know what to think. None of this made sense. It all didn't fit together. "He loves you," he said, suddenly remembering why whatever Rodney might have done in the past and whatever John hadn't done didn't matter.
"Maybe," she said. "I think he believes he loves me."
"He's happy with you," John said, conjuring up the images of Rodney smiling at her, needing to keep the irrational hope that was rising in his chest at bay.
"He could be happy with you," Jennifer countered, a weak smile on her face.
John only shook his head.
"I can't pretend that the possibility doesn't exist," she said. "I can't just look the other way and hope that Rodney never realizes what he could have with you. I can't depend on the fact that he'll never notice that he always loved you more than he loved me."
John took a deep breath. He couldn't listen to this. She wasn't right. Her words weren't truth, but speculation. Just like he wasn't able to see anything but Rodney's complete focus on her whenever he saw them together, Jennifer didn't seem to be able to see anything but what he and Rodney could be together. He shook his head again. And again.
"You don't think it's possible?" she asked.
"Anything's possible," he said. "But I don't think .... Rodney has never hinted that he has any feelings for me that go beyond friendship."
"You mean apart from his jealousy and the fact that when he couldn't remember his own name, he was still calling for you?"
"We've saved each other's lives for five years," he said. "And he only gets pissed off about the women because he doesn't understand why they don't fawn over him. Not that he'd want them, now that he has ...." You, John didn't say.
Jennifer looked at him for a long moment. "Do you even want to be with him? Just so we're clear. If Rodney came to you today and said, 'John, I was wrong. I'm leaving Jennifer to be with you,' would you turn him down?"
"That's as likely to happen as-"
"Yes or no?" she demanded, the same command in her voice that she used to clear the infirmary when she needed to.
"I wouldn't turn him down," he admitted.
"Thank you," she said quietly.
It occurred to John that he had finally admitted it to someone for the first time. Not that his lack of denial before hadn't been as good as a confession. "You can't tell anyone," he said. Not because he thought she would, but to remind her of the power she held over him.
"I won't," she assured him. "But you will."
His eyes widened. He couldn't believe that she would use this against him.
"You'll tell Rodney," she clarified.
He looked away. She couldn't ask this of him. "What if you're wrong?"
"Then at least we'll know."
He snorted. That was it? She could breathe a sigh of relief and go on and marry Rodney, certain of his feelings now, while John picked up the pieces of their destroyed friendship?
"You think not knowing is better?" she asked.
"I thought it would be for you," he admitted. She had Rodney after all.
"I'd like to know that I'm loved for my own sake and not just because my husband never realized whom he really loved."
"Our friendship wouldn't be the same," John countered.
"Not the same. It would be awkward at first, but you'd get over it. Rodney would be flattered. You think he'd hold it against you that you love him?" she asked.
John didn't think he would. She was probably right. But he didn't want to lose the ease with which they behaved towards each other now. Why should he risk this for Keller's peace of mind?
Of course, it wasn't really about Jennifer as much as about Rodney. They both wanted Rodney to be happy. This was all about him, and he was the one who had to make a decision. But for that he'd have to know his choices first. That was what Jennifer had been trying to tell him, John realized.
"What if he's confused and chooses neither of us?" John asked.
"Then he's made his choice. And it isn't for me," Jennifer said without hesitation.
"And you'd be okay with that?" he asked.
"You'd want to be with him, even if you weren't certain he really loves you?" she asked in return.
John had to think about that. It wasn't easy, since he still couldn't even imagine ever being with Rodney in the first place. He tried to do it now, conjuring up a life where they were partners, sharing kisses and touches and occasionally a bed-they wouldn't be able to live together for the time being-and then he imagined Rodney looking at Jennifer as he did now.
"No," he said. "I don't know," he amended, because maybe the pain of doubt would be better than the pain of not having him at all. But maybe that was just talking from his current perspective where little could be worse than having to watch Rodney with someone else.
"Rodney deserves the chance to make up his mind," she said. "And you need to give him time. We both do," she added.
Time to get over a brisk dismissal, she probably meant. He could see that, Rodney going, 'What the hell are you talking about?' "Yes," John agreed.
"Then it's a done deal," she said, taking a deep breath.
When she got up, he did the same.
She held out her hand. "Whatever Rodney wants," she said.
He took it. "What Rodney wants," he agreed. He only hoped that Rodney knew.
She stepped out of the entrance. He followed her.
"Time to check the perimeters?" she asked.
He nodded and smiled at her.