It's been two months
So I realize that I haven't updated this journal in two months, that any reader(s) I may have had are now totally alienated, and no one, not even myself perhaps, knows what is going on in my life. So should I attempt to chronicle it? Isn't that the reason for LiveJournal, to provide an opportunity for man (and I speak of man as human, not specifically of gender) to record the daily comings-and-goings, the mundane details, and often random thoughts that seem important at the time but in the grand scheme of life and the universe are minute? I suppose that in my quest for my destiny, I prioritize getting what needs to be done accomplished instead of taking time to observe life around me and to encompass all the world's meaning.
On that thought, I've come to realize how horrible I am to my true friends, and how thankful that I have them in my life. When I came back to school from holiday break, I started taking stock of my life, of who I talked to, and who I wanted to see again. Of course, there are the people that some may consider are forced friends, people I have to associate with because of our proximity. Do I believe that they are solely my friends because of the plethora of time we spend together due to the nature of our education? At times, yes, I do. Earlier this weekend I felt that way, but then Saturday night turned out to be quite the opposite. Most people enjoyed my presence, and I had a deeper conversation with one who I've never really been close with before, and never entirely understood.
But then I look to people who are true friends. Friends because they are in the position to not really care if they did not want to, and wouldn't make an effort if they didn't have to. Friends who we meet in different situations. I guess I could write many sentences about Karen, about how she is always there, regardless of distance, because we've developed a friendship that supersedes distance, that overcomes relationship strains, that is not tainted. This entry could never do justice to the friendship we share, that neither of us takes for granted. Then there is Raul, a friend who, over time, has drifted, partially because of the immense distance, partially from differing interests, but it always seems to come back whenever we could possibly be in proximity. We shared a bond over a mutual friend, may he rest in peace, and I'll never forget the day that I met him. He, lost in the mess hall, discharged from the Corps, having nobody to sit with and barely having clothes to cover his back. It is truly amazing by what simply offering a chair to sit and share a meal, and find out about one's life, can do to a man, and now he'd like me to be one of his groomsmen at his wedding this summer if I can find a way back down to Texas. I haven't figured out all of the details, and haven't found out enough about the wedding yet, but soon I'm sure.
Then there are the people who sparked an interest in writing this entry, the people who in the first sentence of this part I immediately thought of. Returning to the barren land of Vermont early for school should have been a bad idea. Instead, I made plans to see someone for an entire week, only to fall through due to exhaustion over a part-time job. But once I knew I could find her in a more neutral setting, I stopped by her building, at first to find her not there, but then when heading back later for some reason that I can't recall anymore, ran not only into Maggie, but also Kelly, two of my freshmen (from last year) who were part of one of the greatest groups I've been a part of. And to my shock, both not only were surprised to see me, but happy to. Happy to see me. There really are few people I can think of who are that way. So as part of my transformed self, I've attempted to stay in better communication with the two of them, and who will know where those friendships may go after graduation. Finally, there is Caitlin. She is a changed person, not entirely the same person I used to eat dinner with every night, who as Kelly suggests is my "person", but regardless of these changes in status, in situation, I still consider her one of my closest friends. There is so much that has gone on that I don't know about, that she doesn't know about, but we both know that there is only good in our talking again. More effort into making and maintaining contact with can only strengthen an abandoned friendship, and I intend, even with my increasingly demanding schedule, to lean on as the months go by to my last semester at Norwich.
When phases of your life start to come to an end, you begin to take stock of the things you have, the things you've lost, the places you've changed, the times you have enjoyed and despaired, and the moments of your accomplishments and failures. College has changed me considerably. No longer am I one to avoid social conditions. I have, in my opinion, broken away from the shadows of my brother, by being in a new place with new people who could only judge me for me. There are many things that I still wish I could change about myself, and with time I hope to find energy and commitment to doing. My appearance is a big thing to me, something I've often ignored, and do not seem to have the strength to change on my own. And once I've decided to do something about it, not only does my friend who has been pushing me to make that choice for so long leave, but also the man who would graciously help me do so leave. I do not know where to begin, and how to get there, and to find the commitment needed to be successful. So I'll try, and see where life takes me.
That's been my biggest mantra lately. I made only two resolutions for myself this New Years day. The first of these was to be more positive in all my life pursuits and activities. In the past, I've found myself to be pessimistic, or in my view, a "realist", one who recognizes what may be the likely outcome, and based on that, made my decision for action on that, rather than looking towards a better possibility. I've been encouraging other people to do the same, to look on the bright side, and I think by looking to the positive attributes of situations, and not expecting but admiring the possibility of better things has made me a happier person. And perhaps next year, when it comes time to make a resolution to change, that's not something I will need to try again, because it will be my personality. The second of my resolutions has been to make the present count, and not make expectations of the future. It may be in part to the uncertainty of my future, but in all my life choices, I am leaning more towards enjoying the present and making the most of it. I take major decisions, like my future plans, or what relationships may come my way, on a daily basis. I know there is one person I would like to see something happen with, someone who is beginning to come back into my life, but I don't really know where that will go. I do not know if she is the same person I was falling for now over half a year ago. She'll be home soon, which is still two hours away, she may come visit and attend a function with me, which is one of the few things I do have in my life that I am looking forward to, plans I've made, but there is also the condition that she may not be home in time. And, even if she is, there is no telling what will happen once she gets here, if she gets here. But I am not placing a lot of faith in an outcome, and part of thinks I know how I will act, or how I want us to act, but then I stop and say to myself, whatever might happen will happen, do not expect it to happen. It might not sound like a very optimistic outlook, but it's more of a "take it as it comes and be happy and thankful for it." Enjoy the little things. Enjoy knowing that she'd even like to attend, to be with me, but make no expectation that it will happen. Then beyond that, there are only two things that I know is going to happen in my life beyond the next week, and things scheduled like tests and reviews, necessities. I will graduate in May, pending the work I do this semester, and I should be going to Texas for the wedding, if I can ever get in touch with Raul to discuss everything and find a decent airfare, etc. I have an expectation of what I might be doing after graduation work-wise, but at the same time, I'm not sure if it is entirely what I want to do. I will work towards teaching at Hesser next year, and I've started looking into part-time work in an architecture firm, perhaps at the place I worked this past summer. In the same breathe, though, a part of me wants to take huge risks, to apply to firms not only in New Hampshire, or Boston, but also in New York City, or Chicago, or perhaps most shockingly, Los Angeles and California. And I want to travel. I doubt that I can find the money at this point necessary to complete it, but I want to take a major road trip after I graduate, I want to go to New York City, and Chicago, and Seattle, and LA, and abroad to Berlin especially. It may need to wait a year or two before I can accomplish this, before I can afford to accomplish this, but I want to see the great architecture of this country before I am too old to remember it, before it begins to lose its significance and allure. That's why a part of me wants to break my comfort shell and apply to firms that I don't know if I could get into, but on the off chance I did, would be enriching to my life experience and provide opportunities I never imagined before.
I knew this would be a lengthy entry, and perhaps a little philosophical at times. I've noticed a change in my writing style, in my thought patterns, something a little higher than myself, and could sound somewhat pompous. I apologize to anyone who may have actually read through this to its entirety, but I also appreciate the interest and would enjoy seeing whoever actually has by leaving a comment. I really do not know who might, as this entry far exceeds the length of the majority of my writings, and may take more time than most people wish to spend reading a journal entry. 2008 will be a year of change, of continued growth, and of unseen challenges, excitements, and life. I raise my glass to the people who I share life with, may we make the most of our time together, the time we may part, and the experiences that we never expected.
On that thought, I've come to realize how horrible I am to my true friends, and how thankful that I have them in my life. When I came back to school from holiday break, I started taking stock of my life, of who I talked to, and who I wanted to see again. Of course, there are the people that some may consider are forced friends, people I have to associate with because of our proximity. Do I believe that they are solely my friends because of the plethora of time we spend together due to the nature of our education? At times, yes, I do. Earlier this weekend I felt that way, but then Saturday night turned out to be quite the opposite. Most people enjoyed my presence, and I had a deeper conversation with one who I've never really been close with before, and never entirely understood.
But then I look to people who are true friends. Friends because they are in the position to not really care if they did not want to, and wouldn't make an effort if they didn't have to. Friends who we meet in different situations. I guess I could write many sentences about Karen, about how she is always there, regardless of distance, because we've developed a friendship that supersedes distance, that overcomes relationship strains, that is not tainted. This entry could never do justice to the friendship we share, that neither of us takes for granted. Then there is Raul, a friend who, over time, has drifted, partially because of the immense distance, partially from differing interests, but it always seems to come back whenever we could possibly be in proximity. We shared a bond over a mutual friend, may he rest in peace, and I'll never forget the day that I met him. He, lost in the mess hall, discharged from the Corps, having nobody to sit with and barely having clothes to cover his back. It is truly amazing by what simply offering a chair to sit and share a meal, and find out about one's life, can do to a man, and now he'd like me to be one of his groomsmen at his wedding this summer if I can find a way back down to Texas. I haven't figured out all of the details, and haven't found out enough about the wedding yet, but soon I'm sure.
Then there are the people who sparked an interest in writing this entry, the people who in the first sentence of this part I immediately thought of. Returning to the barren land of Vermont early for school should have been a bad idea. Instead, I made plans to see someone for an entire week, only to fall through due to exhaustion over a part-time job. But once I knew I could find her in a more neutral setting, I stopped by her building, at first to find her not there, but then when heading back later for some reason that I can't recall anymore, ran not only into Maggie, but also Kelly, two of my freshmen (from last year) who were part of one of the greatest groups I've been a part of. And to my shock, both not only were surprised to see me, but happy to. Happy to see me. There really are few people I can think of who are that way. So as part of my transformed self, I've attempted to stay in better communication with the two of them, and who will know where those friendships may go after graduation. Finally, there is Caitlin. She is a changed person, not entirely the same person I used to eat dinner with every night, who as Kelly suggests is my "person", but regardless of these changes in status, in situation, I still consider her one of my closest friends. There is so much that has gone on that I don't know about, that she doesn't know about, but we both know that there is only good in our talking again. More effort into making and maintaining contact with can only strengthen an abandoned friendship, and I intend, even with my increasingly demanding schedule, to lean on as the months go by to my last semester at Norwich.
When phases of your life start to come to an end, you begin to take stock of the things you have, the things you've lost, the places you've changed, the times you have enjoyed and despaired, and the moments of your accomplishments and failures. College has changed me considerably. No longer am I one to avoid social conditions. I have, in my opinion, broken away from the shadows of my brother, by being in a new place with new people who could only judge me for me. There are many things that I still wish I could change about myself, and with time I hope to find energy and commitment to doing. My appearance is a big thing to me, something I've often ignored, and do not seem to have the strength to change on my own. And once I've decided to do something about it, not only does my friend who has been pushing me to make that choice for so long leave, but also the man who would graciously help me do so leave. I do not know where to begin, and how to get there, and to find the commitment needed to be successful. So I'll try, and see where life takes me.
That's been my biggest mantra lately. I made only two resolutions for myself this New Years day. The first of these was to be more positive in all my life pursuits and activities. In the past, I've found myself to be pessimistic, or in my view, a "realist", one who recognizes what may be the likely outcome, and based on that, made my decision for action on that, rather than looking towards a better possibility. I've been encouraging other people to do the same, to look on the bright side, and I think by looking to the positive attributes of situations, and not expecting but admiring the possibility of better things has made me a happier person. And perhaps next year, when it comes time to make a resolution to change, that's not something I will need to try again, because it will be my personality. The second of my resolutions has been to make the present count, and not make expectations of the future. It may be in part to the uncertainty of my future, but in all my life choices, I am leaning more towards enjoying the present and making the most of it. I take major decisions, like my future plans, or what relationships may come my way, on a daily basis. I know there is one person I would like to see something happen with, someone who is beginning to come back into my life, but I don't really know where that will go. I do not know if she is the same person I was falling for now over half a year ago. She'll be home soon, which is still two hours away, she may come visit and attend a function with me, which is one of the few things I do have in my life that I am looking forward to, plans I've made, but there is also the condition that she may not be home in time. And, even if she is, there is no telling what will happen once she gets here, if she gets here. But I am not placing a lot of faith in an outcome, and part of thinks I know how I will act, or how I want us to act, but then I stop and say to myself, whatever might happen will happen, do not expect it to happen. It might not sound like a very optimistic outlook, but it's more of a "take it as it comes and be happy and thankful for it." Enjoy the little things. Enjoy knowing that she'd even like to attend, to be with me, but make no expectation that it will happen. Then beyond that, there are only two things that I know is going to happen in my life beyond the next week, and things scheduled like tests and reviews, necessities. I will graduate in May, pending the work I do this semester, and I should be going to Texas for the wedding, if I can ever get in touch with Raul to discuss everything and find a decent airfare, etc. I have an expectation of what I might be doing after graduation work-wise, but at the same time, I'm not sure if it is entirely what I want to do. I will work towards teaching at Hesser next year, and I've started looking into part-time work in an architecture firm, perhaps at the place I worked this past summer. In the same breathe, though, a part of me wants to take huge risks, to apply to firms not only in New Hampshire, or Boston, but also in New York City, or Chicago, or perhaps most shockingly, Los Angeles and California. And I want to travel. I doubt that I can find the money at this point necessary to complete it, but I want to take a major road trip after I graduate, I want to go to New York City, and Chicago, and Seattle, and LA, and abroad to Berlin especially. It may need to wait a year or two before I can accomplish this, before I can afford to accomplish this, but I want to see the great architecture of this country before I am too old to remember it, before it begins to lose its significance and allure. That's why a part of me wants to break my comfort shell and apply to firms that I don't know if I could get into, but on the off chance I did, would be enriching to my life experience and provide opportunities I never imagined before.
I knew this would be a lengthy entry, and perhaps a little philosophical at times. I've noticed a change in my writing style, in my thought patterns, something a little higher than myself, and could sound somewhat pompous. I apologize to anyone who may have actually read through this to its entirety, but I also appreciate the interest and would enjoy seeing whoever actually has by leaving a comment. I really do not know who might, as this entry far exceeds the length of the majority of my writings, and may take more time than most people wish to spend reading a journal entry. 2008 will be a year of change, of continued growth, and of unseen challenges, excitements, and life. I raise my glass to the people who I share life with, may we make the most of our time together, the time we may part, and the experiences that we never expected.