fic: The Very Secret Case Files (Sloane)
Title: The Very Secret Case File of Arvin Sloane
Author: the Mystical Chinchilla
Rating: PG-13 (for sex and lots of it)
Genre: Alias; humor
Summary: What Sloane writes when nobody's watching... (xover with the Very Secret Diaries)
Very Secret Case File #1: Dir. Sloane, Arvin
Warning: Top Secret! Confidential! For the eyes of Director Chase only!
Day 1
Director Chase recruited me to run CIA. Well, APO. But basically CIA. Will inevitably rule the world. Sydney, Jack, Marshall, and Dixon work for me. Must gloat. Having odd feelings of déjà-vu.
Was bored with all the pretty people surrounding me. Feel the need for someone gruff and manly to bond with. Sent out to Rent-a-Minion, have heard nothing back yet.
Still do not rule the world, though now run the CIA. Well, APO. But basically CIA.
Day 2
Have received word from Rent-a-Minion: they have no one gruff and manly on hand. Said they would send someone.
Caught Marshall looking at me funny. Perhaps he wants me. And with my manly stubble, who can blame him?
Still do not rule the world.
Day 3
Received minion from Rent-a-Minion. Turned out to be long-lost daughter. Who knew?
Caught Dixon looking at me funny. Believed he wanted me, too, until was locked in janitor’s closet. Now realize that it is a conspiracy to lock me in janitor’s closet. Someone is trying to take over the world first! Will not stand for that…
Will bond with long-lost daughter tonight. May get lucky.
Still do not rule the world.
Day 4
Long-lost daughter appears to be shagging chubby magician. Do not approve - he is not gruff and manly.
Turns out there is new weapon to make people cold - why not just ship them off to Antarctica? Would save time, money, and silly prettyboy’s eyeballs.
Was once again locked in janitor’s closet. Realized this was because Dixon hung Men’s Room sign on door. Is blatant conspiracy.
Will bond with Weiss tonight. May get lucky.
Still do not rule the world, although now have cold stuff to help me.
Day 5
Took down Men’s Room sign from janitor’s closet and hung it on door to doughnut room. Dixon will get fat from being trapped with the doughnuts, then we’ll see who laughs last!
Must work on controlling evil laughter.
Long-lost daughter’s half-sister went to Russia. Made car. Or was that gun? Will in future pay more attention to missions, as apparently prettyboy got lucky and I didn’t. In the shower.
Will bond with long-lost daughter’s half-sister tonight. May get lucky.
Still do not rule the world.
Day 6
Dixon looks chubbier around the middle. Will not laugh evilly. Mwahahahaha! Must not laugh evilly!
On sadder note, long-lost daughter’s half-sister appears to be shagging prettyboy who attempts to imitate my manly stubble. She also appears to be going crazy and duck-taped Jack’s face.
Will bond with Marshall tonight. May get lucky.
Still do not rule the world.
Day 7
Was bonding with long-lost daughter when half-sister barged in on us. Kicked me out - is obviously intimidated by my manliness.
Long-lost daughter dressed up as maid on mission with Weiss. V. kinky.
Saw Jack hitting on long-lost daughter. Weiss will kill him if he tries anything.
Got lucky last night.
Still do not rule the world, although now have soccer information, though am not sure how this will help.
Day 8
Long-lost daughter was in trunk of car with half-sister. Even kinkier than the maid thing. Apparently rope was involved. And a branding iron.
Long-lost daughter got shot. Ridiculously kinky. Bondage is one thing, but…
Still do not rule the world, although now have exciting bomb to help me.
Day 9
Sark escaped from prison. Is fault of prettyboy. Must laugh evilly.
Always liked Sark. Perhaps he can help rule the world.
Feel there was a suspicious lack of long-lost daughter. Perhaps she was in a coma? Again. Silly long-lost daughter.
Still do not rule the world, although now have Sark to help me.
Day 10
Long-lost daughter ran car through wall. That was favorite car! Had nude photos of Irina hidden in glovebox…
Attempted to reform Alliance, but was caught by Jack. Slept with him to convince him of innocence. He appears to have stopped hitting on long-lost daughter - obviously he prefers my gruffness and manliness.
Still do not rule the world, although now have exciting swirly letters to help me.
Day 11
Did something happen today?
Still do not rule the world.
Day 12
Long-lost daughter spent entire day spacing out. Fear she may have been having dramatic flashbacks. Apparently spent entire youth having kinky sex with Argentinean criminal mastermind. Who she shot.
What does getting shot have to do with sex?
Quarreled with Jack. Am v. sad. Must bond with Marshall again - hopefully will get lucky.
Still do not rule the world, although now have lasers to help me.
Day 13
Long-lost daughter’s half-sister got buried alive. Was quarantined in APO - was v. worried that I wouldn’t be able to get to razor with special stubble settings. Fortunately, quarantine was absurdly brief.
Jack looks manly while in the pangs of intense paternal worry. Am v. afraid I may want him back…
Still do not rule the world.
Day 14
Prettyboy and long-lost daughter’s half-sister went on mission to Russia again. Why Russia? Do they have better/kinkier sex there? Apparently found excitingly fatal coil.
Jack looks sick - was it going into the nuclear reactor or that doughnut he ate?
Still do not rule the world, although now have Nightingale to help me.
Day 15
Sat in office and looked gruff and manly. Everyone looked at me strangely - fear they may have figured out that I put Men’s Room sign on door of doughnut room. Dixon is looking amusingly fat. Must not laugh evilly.
Apparently long-lost daughter was in doughnut room. How is that not kinky, seeing as doughnut room is now incognito as Men’s Room? Perhaps was waiting for me…
Still do not rule the world.
Day 16
There is another me. Am v. jealous that maybe the other me bonded with long-lost daughter and got lucky, but will contain rage. Perhaps he will be more interested by me - after all, am far more gruff and manly than long-lost daughter.
Was cornered by Jack in real Men’s Room - was beginning to worry that one didn’t exist at APO. Apparently he wants me back.
Was let into Rambaldi museum! Am v. happy. Will finally get to get those nude photos of Sydney that I left in there the last time…
Went on mission, spent entire time with Jack locked in janitor’s closet.
Still do not rule the world, although now have big spinning red ball to help me.
Day 17
Turns out Jack was having kinky sex with imaginary doctor in crack house. Sydney seems to think he just looks eighty years old naturally. Jack looks rather sexy as an eighty-year old…
Still do not rule the world.
Day 18
Long-lost daughter is clearly sleeping with Weiss and other me has vanished. Fortunately Jack definitely wants me back. Believe orphanage lady who is staying with long-lost daughter and half-sister is in fact the evil Yelena Dervko. Told them, but they were too busy staring at each other to notice. Why am I the only one who doesn’t get any? Jack is sulking again.
Still do not rule the world.
Day 19
Captured other me. Long-lost daughter looked rather fetching in wig. Refused to let Weiss go with her on mission, so locked him in janitor’s closet.
Other me apparently thinks he is me. May need shrink. Who was that hot one from last year?
Hallucinated about Jacquelyn. Long-lost daughter yelled at me, but believe I hallucinated that, too.
Bonded with Dixon and got lucky, but fear that that, too, was hallucination.
Still do not rule the world.
Day 20
Tranquilized Sydney. Was clearly forced to after kinky tape of Yelena and Lazlo Drake revealed true relationship between myself and long-lost daughter. Had many distressing flashbacks.
Ran away to confront Yelena about telling other people about my private sex life.
Shot Dixon. Feel bad, but really I was putting him out of his misery - he was getting too fat.
Still do not rule the world, although now have Yelena Derevko to help me.
Day 21
Made evil faces.
Still do not rule the world.
Day 22
Got punched by Jack - he definitely wants me back. Also shot long-lost daughter. Am beginning to realize what the big kinky deal is about getting shot.
Appear to be in jail. Sydney likes me - perhaps trying to initiate romance since long-lost daughter is currently in coma?
Still do not rule the world, now do not even run CIA. Well, APO. But really CIA.
Author: the Mystical Chinchilla
Rating: PG-13 (for sex and lots of it)
Genre: Alias; humor
Summary: What Sloane writes when nobody's watching... (xover with the Very Secret Diaries)
Very Secret Case File #1: Dir. Sloane, Arvin
Warning: Top Secret! Confidential! For the eyes of Director Chase only!
Day 1
Director Chase recruited me to run CIA. Well, APO. But basically CIA. Will inevitably rule the world. Sydney, Jack, Marshall, and Dixon work for me. Must gloat. Having odd feelings of déjà-vu.
Was bored with all the pretty people surrounding me. Feel the need for someone gruff and manly to bond with. Sent out to Rent-a-Minion, have heard nothing back yet.
Still do not rule the world, though now run the CIA. Well, APO. But basically CIA.
Day 2
Have received word from Rent-a-Minion: they have no one gruff and manly on hand. Said they would send someone.
Caught Marshall looking at me funny. Perhaps he wants me. And with my manly stubble, who can blame him?
Still do not rule the world.
Day 3
Received minion from Rent-a-Minion. Turned out to be long-lost daughter. Who knew?
Caught Dixon looking at me funny. Believed he wanted me, too, until was locked in janitor’s closet. Now realize that it is a conspiracy to lock me in janitor’s closet. Someone is trying to take over the world first! Will not stand for that…
Will bond with long-lost daughter tonight. May get lucky.
Still do not rule the world.
Day 4
Long-lost daughter appears to be shagging chubby magician. Do not approve - he is not gruff and manly.
Turns out there is new weapon to make people cold - why not just ship them off to Antarctica? Would save time, money, and silly prettyboy’s eyeballs.
Was once again locked in janitor’s closet. Realized this was because Dixon hung Men’s Room sign on door. Is blatant conspiracy.
Will bond with Weiss tonight. May get lucky.
Still do not rule the world, although now have cold stuff to help me.
Day 5
Took down Men’s Room sign from janitor’s closet and hung it on door to doughnut room. Dixon will get fat from being trapped with the doughnuts, then we’ll see who laughs last!
Must work on controlling evil laughter.
Long-lost daughter’s half-sister went to Russia. Made car. Or was that gun? Will in future pay more attention to missions, as apparently prettyboy got lucky and I didn’t. In the shower.
Will bond with long-lost daughter’s half-sister tonight. May get lucky.
Still do not rule the world.
Day 6
Dixon looks chubbier around the middle. Will not laugh evilly. Mwahahahaha! Must not laugh evilly!
On sadder note, long-lost daughter’s half-sister appears to be shagging prettyboy who attempts to imitate my manly stubble. She also appears to be going crazy and duck-taped Jack’s face.
Will bond with Marshall tonight. May get lucky.
Still do not rule the world.
Day 7
Was bonding with long-lost daughter when half-sister barged in on us. Kicked me out - is obviously intimidated by my manliness.
Long-lost daughter dressed up as maid on mission with Weiss. V. kinky.
Saw Jack hitting on long-lost daughter. Weiss will kill him if he tries anything.
Got lucky last night.
Still do not rule the world, although now have soccer information, though am not sure how this will help.
Day 8
Long-lost daughter was in trunk of car with half-sister. Even kinkier than the maid thing. Apparently rope was involved. And a branding iron.
Long-lost daughter got shot. Ridiculously kinky. Bondage is one thing, but…
Still do not rule the world, although now have exciting bomb to help me.
Day 9
Sark escaped from prison. Is fault of prettyboy. Must laugh evilly.
Always liked Sark. Perhaps he can help rule the world.
Feel there was a suspicious lack of long-lost daughter. Perhaps she was in a coma? Again. Silly long-lost daughter.
Still do not rule the world, although now have Sark to help me.
Day 10
Long-lost daughter ran car through wall. That was favorite car! Had nude photos of Irina hidden in glovebox…
Attempted to reform Alliance, but was caught by Jack. Slept with him to convince him of innocence. He appears to have stopped hitting on long-lost daughter - obviously he prefers my gruffness and manliness.
Still do not rule the world, although now have exciting swirly letters to help me.
Day 11
Did something happen today?
Still do not rule the world.
Day 12
Long-lost daughter spent entire day spacing out. Fear she may have been having dramatic flashbacks. Apparently spent entire youth having kinky sex with Argentinean criminal mastermind. Who she shot.
What does getting shot have to do with sex?
Quarreled with Jack. Am v. sad. Must bond with Marshall again - hopefully will get lucky.
Still do not rule the world, although now have lasers to help me.
Day 13
Long-lost daughter’s half-sister got buried alive. Was quarantined in APO - was v. worried that I wouldn’t be able to get to razor with special stubble settings. Fortunately, quarantine was absurdly brief.
Jack looks manly while in the pangs of intense paternal worry. Am v. afraid I may want him back…
Still do not rule the world.
Day 14
Prettyboy and long-lost daughter’s half-sister went on mission to Russia again. Why Russia? Do they have better/kinkier sex there? Apparently found excitingly fatal coil.
Jack looks sick - was it going into the nuclear reactor or that doughnut he ate?
Still do not rule the world, although now have Nightingale to help me.
Day 15
Sat in office and looked gruff and manly. Everyone looked at me strangely - fear they may have figured out that I put Men’s Room sign on door of doughnut room. Dixon is looking amusingly fat. Must not laugh evilly.
Apparently long-lost daughter was in doughnut room. How is that not kinky, seeing as doughnut room is now incognito as Men’s Room? Perhaps was waiting for me…
Still do not rule the world.
Day 16
There is another me. Am v. jealous that maybe the other me bonded with long-lost daughter and got lucky, but will contain rage. Perhaps he will be more interested by me - after all, am far more gruff and manly than long-lost daughter.
Was cornered by Jack in real Men’s Room - was beginning to worry that one didn’t exist at APO. Apparently he wants me back.
Was let into Rambaldi museum! Am v. happy. Will finally get to get those nude photos of Sydney that I left in there the last time…
Went on mission, spent entire time with Jack locked in janitor’s closet.
Still do not rule the world, although now have big spinning red ball to help me.
Day 17
Turns out Jack was having kinky sex with imaginary doctor in crack house. Sydney seems to think he just looks eighty years old naturally. Jack looks rather sexy as an eighty-year old…
Still do not rule the world.
Day 18
Long-lost daughter is clearly sleeping with Weiss and other me has vanished. Fortunately Jack definitely wants me back. Believe orphanage lady who is staying with long-lost daughter and half-sister is in fact the evil Yelena Dervko. Told them, but they were too busy staring at each other to notice. Why am I the only one who doesn’t get any? Jack is sulking again.
Still do not rule the world.
Day 19
Captured other me. Long-lost daughter looked rather fetching in wig. Refused to let Weiss go with her on mission, so locked him in janitor’s closet.
Other me apparently thinks he is me. May need shrink. Who was that hot one from last year?
Hallucinated about Jacquelyn. Long-lost daughter yelled at me, but believe I hallucinated that, too.
Bonded with Dixon and got lucky, but fear that that, too, was hallucination.
Still do not rule the world.
Day 20
Tranquilized Sydney. Was clearly forced to after kinky tape of Yelena and Lazlo Drake revealed true relationship between myself and long-lost daughter. Had many distressing flashbacks.
Ran away to confront Yelena about telling other people about my private sex life.
Shot Dixon. Feel bad, but really I was putting him out of his misery - he was getting too fat.
Still do not rule the world, although now have Yelena Derevko to help me.
Day 21
Made evil faces.
Still do not rule the world.
Day 22
Got punched by Jack - he definitely wants me back. Also shot long-lost daughter. Am beginning to realize what the big kinky deal is about getting shot.
Appear to be in jail. Sydney likes me - perhaps trying to initiate romance since long-lost daughter is currently in coma?
Still do not rule the world, now do not even run CIA. Well, APO. But really CIA.