(no subject)
feeling a bit bleh lately. i turned 30 this year, and i feel like my life isnt really going anywhere. i dont really have any plans anymore. no real dreams, nothing i really want to do. if someone gave me a million dollars, i dont know what i would do with it. there isnt really anything i would want to buy or study or anything. i have alot of free time so you would think i would do something with it. im wasting it. sure i paint alot and sing some, but not as much as a could be. im just not that interested. there are so many peeps that would be so grateful if they had enough free time to do what they want. what am i missing? i dont go out much, i guess because there arent many people i would like to spend time with. that and i dont want to spend money. its expensive to play here.
shin of course is depressed as usual. he isnt freaking out so much, just really stressed. he is juggling too many things, my opposite. so i do what i can to relieve him, but i cant help him study or with work things etc. he works those awful shifts then comes home and studies. he probably studies a good 2-3 hours a day on top of work. so i can understand why he is so negative all the time. the stress of it all. but his negativity gets to me. i decided to do some recording today, but then he sent me an email saying " why am i so unluckly?? sigh, im so depressed.." and my motivation was totally sucked out of me and i stopped. now i have been slowly and leisurely cleaning the house while spacing out to the TV.. i hate when i do this. sometimes i think maybe i should go hang out with the middle aged folks at the shoju bar down teh street, but i hate over paying for drinking when i dont even really want to drink. once or twice a month is good enough for me. i need to find my place.
while home in july, im going to buy lots of books. i need to know what i want. i need inspiration. i miss pottery... im my heart, i know thats what i want to do, but its a dream that i just dont think i can make possible here. if i took out a loan, moved, yeah i guess its possible, but that would make me broke. i cant go broke just because i want to slap clay around. not now that im married and thinking of having a family.
anyway, i have to stop trapping myself in the house. i have to find my niche. otherwise, whats the point of going on? why keep living a joyless life?? MUST DO SOMETHING!!!
shin of course is depressed as usual. he isnt freaking out so much, just really stressed. he is juggling too many things, my opposite. so i do what i can to relieve him, but i cant help him study or with work things etc. he works those awful shifts then comes home and studies. he probably studies a good 2-3 hours a day on top of work. so i can understand why he is so negative all the time. the stress of it all. but his negativity gets to me. i decided to do some recording today, but then he sent me an email saying " why am i so unluckly?? sigh, im so depressed.." and my motivation was totally sucked out of me and i stopped. now i have been slowly and leisurely cleaning the house while spacing out to the TV.. i hate when i do this. sometimes i think maybe i should go hang out with the middle aged folks at the shoju bar down teh street, but i hate over paying for drinking when i dont even really want to drink. once or twice a month is good enough for me. i need to find my place.
while home in july, im going to buy lots of books. i need to know what i want. i need inspiration. i miss pottery... im my heart, i know thats what i want to do, but its a dream that i just dont think i can make possible here. if i took out a loan, moved, yeah i guess its possible, but that would make me broke. i cant go broke just because i want to slap clay around. not now that im married and thinking of having a family.
anyway, i have to stop trapping myself in the house. i have to find my niche. otherwise, whats the point of going on? why keep living a joyless life?? MUST DO SOMETHING!!!