My long-awaited abstinence paper!
That's right folks, it's the paper you've all been waiting for. The one that's had you glued to your monitor for the past four weeks, hitting the Refresh button every 15 minutes just to see if I had posted it yet. This is it. The Big One. A mammoth four-page open response to the youth pastor who came to our school and basically called us all heathen (in a friendly, affable way, of course). Brace yourself. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
Shame and Asswarts
It began with an e-mail.
I was hovering over Walsh’s shoulder, ready with today’s latest round of various bitchings about my inability to think of anything to write about. My notebooks were helping, although not a whole lot. I knew what was lacking. As an angst-filled teen, I wanted to address a certain aspect of society, but from there I was clueless. It’s such a broad, vague topic with a trillion different angles. I need some inspiration of the divine variety. And as luck would have it, it came.
Walsh spun the monitor towards me before I could begin my inarticulate literary spiel. “Read this.”
What followed was an excessively enthusiastic, buzzword-laden e-mail informing the faculty of a forthcoming visit by a part-time youth minister who was coming to lecture us on sex. The topics would include, but not be limited to: How to treat a lady, the dangers of pornography, and why your virginity is the most precious gift of all.
Jackpot.
Two weeks later, I managed to weasel out of Shene’s class and attend the assembly. The first thing I noted as I entered the auditorium was the throbbin’ techno beats emanating from the loudspeakers. As a modern teen, this totally spoke to me. Assured that he was on our side and not some stuffy grown-up, I comfortably settled into my seat. This wouldn’t be too bad.
The second thing I noticed was the speaker’s face. Late 20’s, conservative sweater, face like Lance Bass, goofy grin wide enough to embarrass Hands Across America. No doubt about it, this guy’s a youth pastor. And no doubt about it, this guy had structured his lecture well. He started off with shameless pandering, using an extended, pointless joke involving dragging a fat kid from the audience and dressing him up in a wig. It was sorta kinda on topic, but mainly he just wanted to a better foothold on our minds. And it worked.
I’m not antireligious, and I’m not against religious people expressing their views, even if it’s in a public school. But I’m not stupid enough to pretend that a person whose life revolves around a tome that spends a sizable amount of time talking about crotch morality isn’t going to hold a certain level of bias. Before I got my car, I used to waste my time reading up on extremists of various stripes, so I knew most of the arguments he was going to present beforehand, albeit in a sanitized version (this man was by no means crazy, just an asshole).
The first thing fundamentalists tend to mention is the absolute terror and shame that follows getting an STD of any sort. If you have illegitimate sex, you will contract a disease or become pregnant. Period. And STDs are incurable/can only be cured with chainsawing off your genitals. The numbers, of course, are exaggerated, since any member of the religious right will tell you that you’re probably the last person on earth not to have genital warts and that condoms are coated with a thin layer of AIDS and the black death of Europe prior to wrapping.
But hey, they are right to discourage teenagers from having sex. Even though at our age the chances of getting an STD are far lower than they are at later ages and the threat of pregnancy remains constant regardless of age, it’s still a nice thought. And yes, STDs, exaggerated or not, are a serious problem to those infected. That’s not what I had a problem with. My issue lied with their overriding theme of guilt and shame that permeated this presentation.
Be ashamed of yourself. That’s his message of hope and joy for our generation. He began driving this point home early on in the speech, citing an example from a previous school he went to.
“So I go to a lot of schools all over the country, and the one question I always get asked is, how far is too far? And well, I saw this one guy, and I asked him “Well, what do you think is too far?” And he began naming off all these things, he was just firing them off, and I flat-out asked him “Come on. What are you thinking specifically?” Naturally, he said “Well, what about oral sex?” And so I asked him if he planned to get married ever. He said yeah, and for the first time in this boy’s seventeen years, his eyes glazed over as he thought about his future bride. I told him that she’s probably somewhere out there right now, maybe getting home from school. And his eyes were still glazed, and he was still thinking of her. Then I asked him how he’d feel if at this very moment, she was coming home from school with her boyfriend, and he’s telling her (black man’s voice) “Hey baby, if you loved me, you’d do it”. And his face, was just…dropped.”
I thought for a moment about the message he was trying to convey. I did notice, however, that every time he used his “seductive” voice, he used a black accent, which I found more than a little creepy and racist. I then came to two conclusions:
1) That story is probably fake.
2) Okay, actually, there’s no possible way that can be real.
3) There was more emphasis on the fact that she was giving oral sex than the fact that she was pressured into it.
The idea wasn’t that he would be angry that his future wife was just pressured into doing something she didn’t want to, since the boy had given no previous indication of being manipulative, but that he should be disgusted that his wife would give herself to anyone but him. Personally, I’d be more worried about her holding hands, since they come in contact with more filth every day than the rest of the body. Genitals don’t touch a whole lot besides underwear. And yes, I’m fully aware that “when you have sex with someone, you’re actually having sex with everyone THEY’VE had sex with.” I’d like to point out, however, that this sort of logic only applies if you also believe that when you shake someone’s hand, you’re also wiping their ass.
Another quote:
“I’m gonna be blunt with you here. I believe that if a man has to put his genitals into a woman’s mouth to show how much he loves her, well, I think that really does show exactly what he thinks of her.”
I wish someone had a camera at that moment, because I think that a giant question mark physically appeared over my head. What was he trying to say? That the guy views the girl as a penis-sucking robot? Why is oral sex any less valid an expression of love than a hug or kiss? I mean, if you want to take this guy’s logic one step farther, if a guy hugs a girl, what does that say about him? Does all physical love cease to be love when it goes below the waistline? I really wish this guy would map out what parts of the body classify as Sin Touch and what are Beautiful Touch, because I for one am horribly baffled. I wish he’d elaborate his points and not make just vague, incriminating statements.
Teenagers are an insane bunch. Let’s face it. We get depressed for the most ridiculous, petty reasons. Sometimes, we get depressed for no other reason than our brain just says “Welp, time to get miserable”. Life is hard enough without having some late-twentysomething approach us and say “Hey man, I know what you’re going through. I know what it’s like to be a teen. I’ve traveled around the country, man, I’ve seen it all. And you know what? YOU’RE DIRTY. GOD YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK.”
Shame notwithstanding, the assembly had an oddly sexist angle to it. All the boys were portrayed as conniving rapists. All the girls were portrayed as naïve, subservient babes-in-the-woods. It would not be an exaggeration to say that most of the time, when talking to men, the theme was “don’t take advantage of women”. When talking to girls, the theme was “don’t let men take advantage of you”. Now, don’t confuse taking advantage of with rape, because he never touched on it. His idea was that women, being women, are easily persuaded to have sex with men, and the only thing that will stop them is (A) the man never presenting the option to the woman in the first place, or (B) a man preemptively telling them not to engage in sexual relations. Inevitably, the decision to have sex always falls on the man’s broad, manly man-shoulders. Apparently, sex is never consensual until you hit marriage.
Let’s not kid ourselves. Virginity’s swell and all, and abstinence is fine and dandy when properly exercised, but I can’t imagine waiting until marriage. Not that I’m this giant horndog or anything, but I think my first sexual encounter is going to be awkward and fumbling to the point at which I’d really rather be drunk/unconscious when it happens. But hey, at least then it’s out of the way. And at least I don’t have any delusions. Now take someone like the speaker who treats sex as though it’s the goddamned Holy Grail and choosing unwisely results in your immediate disintegration. Can you imagine the life someone like that must lead? At first, I imagine there’d be a ton of feverish masturbation sessions followed by feverish prayer sessions, followed by lots and lots of crying. Then you’d have to work up the ability to pretend you’re asexual up until your wedding night. I don’t care what they THINK it will be like; the sex they have on their wedding night is going to be the most uncomfortable 7 minutes of their life. Do they honestly believe that after spending their entire lives convincing themselves that sex is a filthy depraved act for perverts, it’s going to suddenly become beautiful and holy now that they have a legally-binding state-recognized contract proclaiming their love?
Human beings are sexual by nature. That’s just the way we are. It’s not some giant conspiracy invented by fashion magazines, just simple human truth. Yet for some reason, sex became the whipping boy of mankind. People get angry all the time, and anger’s hurt far more people than sex, but you’ll never see someone come to school and try to tell us that you can live without anger. Do churches have Youth Outreach programs where they ward kids away from the dangers of relaxation? “But Aaron!” you protest. “Sex can often lead to dangerous things like STDs and pregnancy!”. You would be absolutely correct in thinking that. But can’t determination lead to ambition, and can’t ambition lead to hurting those who get in your way? Isn’t hate what causes most murders? Does being overly-satisfied with yourself lead to laziness? Everything, EVERYTHING has its drawbacks. And if you’re going to accuse me of using extreme, worst-case scenarios, consider how many people have STDs. The proportion of people who die in auto wrecks is significantly higher. Should we begin an anti-car campaign, maybe begin pointing out that seat belts aren’t 100% effective? You can’t argue that cars are better than sex, either, because no man would ever admit that and girls don’t like cars. And besides, I’m not the one GOING ON A CROSS-COUNTRY ROAD TRIP TRYING TO REGULATE HUMAN EMOTION.
I’m not ashamed of who I am, or what I feel. I’m a person, just like any of you, and I’m not going to pretend to be anything else. If you want to abstain from sex, fine. Your funeral. But don’t try to imagine yourself as “pure” because of it. And above all, don’t tease me when I get asswarts.
Shame and Asswarts
It began with an e-mail.
I was hovering over Walsh’s shoulder, ready with today’s latest round of various bitchings about my inability to think of anything to write about. My notebooks were helping, although not a whole lot. I knew what was lacking. As an angst-filled teen, I wanted to address a certain aspect of society, but from there I was clueless. It’s such a broad, vague topic with a trillion different angles. I need some inspiration of the divine variety. And as luck would have it, it came.
Walsh spun the monitor towards me before I could begin my inarticulate literary spiel. “Read this.”
What followed was an excessively enthusiastic, buzzword-laden e-mail informing the faculty of a forthcoming visit by a part-time youth minister who was coming to lecture us on sex. The topics would include, but not be limited to: How to treat a lady, the dangers of pornography, and why your virginity is the most precious gift of all.
Jackpot.
Two weeks later, I managed to weasel out of Shene’s class and attend the assembly. The first thing I noted as I entered the auditorium was the throbbin’ techno beats emanating from the loudspeakers. As a modern teen, this totally spoke to me. Assured that he was on our side and not some stuffy grown-up, I comfortably settled into my seat. This wouldn’t be too bad.
The second thing I noticed was the speaker’s face. Late 20’s, conservative sweater, face like Lance Bass, goofy grin wide enough to embarrass Hands Across America. No doubt about it, this guy’s a youth pastor. And no doubt about it, this guy had structured his lecture well. He started off with shameless pandering, using an extended, pointless joke involving dragging a fat kid from the audience and dressing him up in a wig. It was sorta kinda on topic, but mainly he just wanted to a better foothold on our minds. And it worked.
I’m not antireligious, and I’m not against religious people expressing their views, even if it’s in a public school. But I’m not stupid enough to pretend that a person whose life revolves around a tome that spends a sizable amount of time talking about crotch morality isn’t going to hold a certain level of bias. Before I got my car, I used to waste my time reading up on extremists of various stripes, so I knew most of the arguments he was going to present beforehand, albeit in a sanitized version (this man was by no means crazy, just an asshole).
The first thing fundamentalists tend to mention is the absolute terror and shame that follows getting an STD of any sort. If you have illegitimate sex, you will contract a disease or become pregnant. Period. And STDs are incurable/can only be cured with chainsawing off your genitals. The numbers, of course, are exaggerated, since any member of the religious right will tell you that you’re probably the last person on earth not to have genital warts and that condoms are coated with a thin layer of AIDS and the black death of Europe prior to wrapping.
But hey, they are right to discourage teenagers from having sex. Even though at our age the chances of getting an STD are far lower than they are at later ages and the threat of pregnancy remains constant regardless of age, it’s still a nice thought. And yes, STDs, exaggerated or not, are a serious problem to those infected. That’s not what I had a problem with. My issue lied with their overriding theme of guilt and shame that permeated this presentation.
Be ashamed of yourself. That’s his message of hope and joy for our generation. He began driving this point home early on in the speech, citing an example from a previous school he went to.
“So I go to a lot of schools all over the country, and the one question I always get asked is, how far is too far? And well, I saw this one guy, and I asked him “Well, what do you think is too far?” And he began naming off all these things, he was just firing them off, and I flat-out asked him “Come on. What are you thinking specifically?” Naturally, he said “Well, what about oral sex?” And so I asked him if he planned to get married ever. He said yeah, and for the first time in this boy’s seventeen years, his eyes glazed over as he thought about his future bride. I told him that she’s probably somewhere out there right now, maybe getting home from school. And his eyes were still glazed, and he was still thinking of her. Then I asked him how he’d feel if at this very moment, she was coming home from school with her boyfriend, and he’s telling her (black man’s voice) “Hey baby, if you loved me, you’d do it”. And his face, was just…dropped.”
I thought for a moment about the message he was trying to convey. I did notice, however, that every time he used his “seductive” voice, he used a black accent, which I found more than a little creepy and racist. I then came to two conclusions:
1) That story is probably fake.
2) Okay, actually, there’s no possible way that can be real.
3) There was more emphasis on the fact that she was giving oral sex than the fact that she was pressured into it.
The idea wasn’t that he would be angry that his future wife was just pressured into doing something she didn’t want to, since the boy had given no previous indication of being manipulative, but that he should be disgusted that his wife would give herself to anyone but him. Personally, I’d be more worried about her holding hands, since they come in contact with more filth every day than the rest of the body. Genitals don’t touch a whole lot besides underwear. And yes, I’m fully aware that “when you have sex with someone, you’re actually having sex with everyone THEY’VE had sex with.” I’d like to point out, however, that this sort of logic only applies if you also believe that when you shake someone’s hand, you’re also wiping their ass.
Another quote:
“I’m gonna be blunt with you here. I believe that if a man has to put his genitals into a woman’s mouth to show how much he loves her, well, I think that really does show exactly what he thinks of her.”
I wish someone had a camera at that moment, because I think that a giant question mark physically appeared over my head. What was he trying to say? That the guy views the girl as a penis-sucking robot? Why is oral sex any less valid an expression of love than a hug or kiss? I mean, if you want to take this guy’s logic one step farther, if a guy hugs a girl, what does that say about him? Does all physical love cease to be love when it goes below the waistline? I really wish this guy would map out what parts of the body classify as Sin Touch and what are Beautiful Touch, because I for one am horribly baffled. I wish he’d elaborate his points and not make just vague, incriminating statements.
Teenagers are an insane bunch. Let’s face it. We get depressed for the most ridiculous, petty reasons. Sometimes, we get depressed for no other reason than our brain just says “Welp, time to get miserable”. Life is hard enough without having some late-twentysomething approach us and say “Hey man, I know what you’re going through. I know what it’s like to be a teen. I’ve traveled around the country, man, I’ve seen it all. And you know what? YOU’RE DIRTY. GOD YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK.”
Shame notwithstanding, the assembly had an oddly sexist angle to it. All the boys were portrayed as conniving rapists. All the girls were portrayed as naïve, subservient babes-in-the-woods. It would not be an exaggeration to say that most of the time, when talking to men, the theme was “don’t take advantage of women”. When talking to girls, the theme was “don’t let men take advantage of you”. Now, don’t confuse taking advantage of with rape, because he never touched on it. His idea was that women, being women, are easily persuaded to have sex with men, and the only thing that will stop them is (A) the man never presenting the option to the woman in the first place, or (B) a man preemptively telling them not to engage in sexual relations. Inevitably, the decision to have sex always falls on the man’s broad, manly man-shoulders. Apparently, sex is never consensual until you hit marriage.
Let’s not kid ourselves. Virginity’s swell and all, and abstinence is fine and dandy when properly exercised, but I can’t imagine waiting until marriage. Not that I’m this giant horndog or anything, but I think my first sexual encounter is going to be awkward and fumbling to the point at which I’d really rather be drunk/unconscious when it happens. But hey, at least then it’s out of the way. And at least I don’t have any delusions. Now take someone like the speaker who treats sex as though it’s the goddamned Holy Grail and choosing unwisely results in your immediate disintegration. Can you imagine the life someone like that must lead? At first, I imagine there’d be a ton of feverish masturbation sessions followed by feverish prayer sessions, followed by lots and lots of crying. Then you’d have to work up the ability to pretend you’re asexual up until your wedding night. I don’t care what they THINK it will be like; the sex they have on their wedding night is going to be the most uncomfortable 7 minutes of their life. Do they honestly believe that after spending their entire lives convincing themselves that sex is a filthy depraved act for perverts, it’s going to suddenly become beautiful and holy now that they have a legally-binding state-recognized contract proclaiming their love?
Human beings are sexual by nature. That’s just the way we are. It’s not some giant conspiracy invented by fashion magazines, just simple human truth. Yet for some reason, sex became the whipping boy of mankind. People get angry all the time, and anger’s hurt far more people than sex, but you’ll never see someone come to school and try to tell us that you can live without anger. Do churches have Youth Outreach programs where they ward kids away from the dangers of relaxation? “But Aaron!” you protest. “Sex can often lead to dangerous things like STDs and pregnancy!”. You would be absolutely correct in thinking that. But can’t determination lead to ambition, and can’t ambition lead to hurting those who get in your way? Isn’t hate what causes most murders? Does being overly-satisfied with yourself lead to laziness? Everything, EVERYTHING has its drawbacks. And if you’re going to accuse me of using extreme, worst-case scenarios, consider how many people have STDs. The proportion of people who die in auto wrecks is significantly higher. Should we begin an anti-car campaign, maybe begin pointing out that seat belts aren’t 100% effective? You can’t argue that cars are better than sex, either, because no man would ever admit that and girls don’t like cars. And besides, I’m not the one GOING ON A CROSS-COUNTRY ROAD TRIP TRYING TO REGULATE HUMAN EMOTION.
I’m not ashamed of who I am, or what I feel. I’m a person, just like any of you, and I’m not going to pretend to be anything else. If you want to abstain from sex, fine. Your funeral. But don’t try to imagine yourself as “pure” because of it. And above all, don’t tease me when I get asswarts.