(no subject)
It's been about a month since I last updated, and I guess that's because I don't have a lot of things I really feel like talking about. This summer kind of knocked the wind out of me, what with Gene passing away and then learning that we won't be having children. I'd like to say that I'm getting through it all just fine, but that would be lying. At the same time, I'm happy that I'm continuing to wake up in the morning, put my feet on the floor and keep moving. It would be so easy to just curl up in bed and cry nonstop but that certainly wouldn't solve anything. Not that there's really anything that can be solved...
I find myself crying at the oddest times... like for instance, Andy was getting the petroleum tank out of the back of the truck the other day and accidentally came down on my back with it (he didn't see me)... it hurt like hell and brought tears to my eyes. Once the tears started falling, I just couldn't make them stop. It wasn't even as if I was crying over the injury... it was just the trigger that released a lot of pent up emotions that I'd been stifling for some time. Poor Andy thought it was because he hurt me and he kept apologizing over and over again. I kept trying to tell him that I was fine and that wasn't why I was crying, but I don't think I got my message across. Oh well.
I am trying like mad not to get jealous of other people's lives and for the most part, I am successful. But, to be honest, it's hard... I'm trying to give myself the space to feel those emotions and then let them go, and so far, the strategy is working. I am happy for all the happiness in my friends' lives, and in those moments that my jealousy or sadness gets in the way, I retreat a bit in hopes of not exposing them to the negativity. I wish I could be strong enough to let it all just be what it is, but I guess that will come with time.
I signed up for two classes this quarter, which started this past week. I'm taking medical anthropology and evolutionary biology, two classes that hold a great deal of interest for me. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, or if I will ever go back to school full time, but for now, I'm just enjoying the learning. I like challenging myself. I like educating myself. It keeps me young, or so I like to believe.
And, I'm enjoying my husband more... that may sound like a silly thing to say because I've never stopped enjoying being around him. I guess what I'm saying is that now that it's just going to be he and I for the rest of our lives, I'm investing more time in the relationship and enjoying the fun of being just us. We both enjoy beer a lot - that's no secret to anyone - and we've been making a point of going out and having a beer or two during the week. During that time, we talk... really talk... and I'm reminded more and more of why I fell in love with and married this man. I continue to learn new things about him, and I find the old things even more endearing. It's a shame such a "tragedy" has woken me up to this, but at the same time, I'm glad to see a positive come out of a negative... and I'm thankful that something woke me up, even if it took something like that to do the job. It's not as if we were having major problems or anything... I just think the day-to-day life and the pressures to achieve this dream we thought we were going to achieve just sort of all mounted and got in the way of US. That's a pretty good place to be in with our 10th anniversary less than three weeks away.
Yeah, so... that's pretty much it. Taking it day by day and learning to live a new life. There are good days and there are bad days... but then again, any life would have that, right?
I find myself crying at the oddest times... like for instance, Andy was getting the petroleum tank out of the back of the truck the other day and accidentally came down on my back with it (he didn't see me)... it hurt like hell and brought tears to my eyes. Once the tears started falling, I just couldn't make them stop. It wasn't even as if I was crying over the injury... it was just the trigger that released a lot of pent up emotions that I'd been stifling for some time. Poor Andy thought it was because he hurt me and he kept apologizing over and over again. I kept trying to tell him that I was fine and that wasn't why I was crying, but I don't think I got my message across. Oh well.
I am trying like mad not to get jealous of other people's lives and for the most part, I am successful. But, to be honest, it's hard... I'm trying to give myself the space to feel those emotions and then let them go, and so far, the strategy is working. I am happy for all the happiness in my friends' lives, and in those moments that my jealousy or sadness gets in the way, I retreat a bit in hopes of not exposing them to the negativity. I wish I could be strong enough to let it all just be what it is, but I guess that will come with time.
I signed up for two classes this quarter, which started this past week. I'm taking medical anthropology and evolutionary biology, two classes that hold a great deal of interest for me. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, or if I will ever go back to school full time, but for now, I'm just enjoying the learning. I like challenging myself. I like educating myself. It keeps me young, or so I like to believe.
And, I'm enjoying my husband more... that may sound like a silly thing to say because I've never stopped enjoying being around him. I guess what I'm saying is that now that it's just going to be he and I for the rest of our lives, I'm investing more time in the relationship and enjoying the fun of being just us. We both enjoy beer a lot - that's no secret to anyone - and we've been making a point of going out and having a beer or two during the week. During that time, we talk... really talk... and I'm reminded more and more of why I fell in love with and married this man. I continue to learn new things about him, and I find the old things even more endearing. It's a shame such a "tragedy" has woken me up to this, but at the same time, I'm glad to see a positive come out of a negative... and I'm thankful that something woke me up, even if it took something like that to do the job. It's not as if we were having major problems or anything... I just think the day-to-day life and the pressures to achieve this dream we thought we were going to achieve just sort of all mounted and got in the way of US. That's a pretty good place to be in with our 10th anniversary less than three weeks away.
Yeah, so... that's pretty much it. Taking it day by day and learning to live a new life. There are good days and there are bad days... but then again, any life would have that, right?