Positives
You know, it never mattered where my heart stood, or lay, or ever thought about being. It was mostly about my insecurities and how I ended up failing every time. Sure, sometimes I would succeed and open up just enough to let something new blossom, but, as it turns out, i happen to be a horrible gardener, so to speak. I've opened up, closed shop, and skipped town far too many times for someone my age. I'm almost virtually afraid of letting someone see my true colors. Most of my friends in the military know me as one thing, and are always very surprised to see me take up a new role when things seem dire. Even though I am usually cool under pressure, it's weird for them to see me lose my cool. My everlasting cool. Cool that doesnt fade when my friends are fighting, or even getting arrested in those rare cases. I've been the levelheaded one in the group. And I find that it suits me. But my friends back home have seen things that I never expected of myself, and know me more as the random happy-go-luck character that never fades from that happy, 100% awesome scene.
I'm just now getting back to being happy with myself after everything that's happened. I'm finally understanding that it's not about who you love, or even why you love. It's the fact that you did love, and that you tried. I tried until I couldn't sleep without making a comment about it. I loved until it felt like I would die if I didnt. I exerted so much of myself, that it was potentially unhealthy, but I did it anyway hoping to find my eternal partner.
Me reconnecting with Lauren, was more like a coping mechanism more than anything, I think. It was amazing getting to know her again, and to be her friend again. And possibly much more somewhere, but for me to recognize that I am having feelings, and still taking a step back after I expressed myself is a big thing for me. I wanted to work on me so much more than I wanted to win her heart, that I, in essence, gave up on it. Purposefully made myself not talk to her on most occasions when she'd be all that I thought about sometimes. I forced her out of my mind so many times after we'd chat casually about something meaningless. I shifted my mind on to God when all my mind wanted to do was fantasize about being next to her. Ive had so many dreams with her in them this year, I almost felt compelled to tell her about all of them. And not many of them have been sexual in nature. Most of them have been the happiest things I could have ever wished to be apart of that I mistook it for something else.
And then, Rebecca coms back, and takes that spot, as if i'd forgotten about Lauren long ago. Except Rebecca has always responded to me in such ways, that I never know how to keep the conversation going. I often find myself rereading her letters to me, and contemplate writing her a new one, but I never get around to it. I don't know what I should say about how I feel, really. I can't just come out and say that I'd absolutely love to be with her for the rest of my life. She's much too bust for that. I'M much to busy for that, as hard as that sounds. I simply can't handle all the wonderfully amazingness that Rebecca is at this moment in my life. As much as I want to, I'm too weak in my spirit to commit to anything other than my commitment to this wonderful country. And that's only because the consequences are much worse than losing a loved one if I skimp out.
I do honestly love Rebecca and Lauren. But I don't know where they fit in my life. Sometimes they feel like they should be the only thing I ever want, and then sometimes they feel like the best friend I've ever had, which are two seperate planes of existance for me. It's hard to place them. Especially when I love them the way I do.
But, the positive thing it, that I am happy with being me. I'm doing great for the first time in a long time that I almost don't want to break anything just to patch it up and start all over again. But, I'm getting to the point where i'm tired of being single and I might actually want a girlfriend again. But, after Shieanne, I'm going to be picky about it and really get to know the girl before I make any decisions.
I'm at a crossroads. Maybe when I get back from the desert, I'll have found my answer and can begin from there. Only God really knows, and only God will lead me there when He feels that it is the right time for me. Until then, I'm going to continue to heal, and continue to love life as I should have been doing the whole time.
I'm just now getting back to being happy with myself after everything that's happened. I'm finally understanding that it's not about who you love, or even why you love. It's the fact that you did love, and that you tried. I tried until I couldn't sleep without making a comment about it. I loved until it felt like I would die if I didnt. I exerted so much of myself, that it was potentially unhealthy, but I did it anyway hoping to find my eternal partner.
Me reconnecting with Lauren, was more like a coping mechanism more than anything, I think. It was amazing getting to know her again, and to be her friend again. And possibly much more somewhere, but for me to recognize that I am having feelings, and still taking a step back after I expressed myself is a big thing for me. I wanted to work on me so much more than I wanted to win her heart, that I, in essence, gave up on it. Purposefully made myself not talk to her on most occasions when she'd be all that I thought about sometimes. I forced her out of my mind so many times after we'd chat casually about something meaningless. I shifted my mind on to God when all my mind wanted to do was fantasize about being next to her. Ive had so many dreams with her in them this year, I almost felt compelled to tell her about all of them. And not many of them have been sexual in nature. Most of them have been the happiest things I could have ever wished to be apart of that I mistook it for something else.
And then, Rebecca coms back, and takes that spot, as if i'd forgotten about Lauren long ago. Except Rebecca has always responded to me in such ways, that I never know how to keep the conversation going. I often find myself rereading her letters to me, and contemplate writing her a new one, but I never get around to it. I don't know what I should say about how I feel, really. I can't just come out and say that I'd absolutely love to be with her for the rest of my life. She's much too bust for that. I'M much to busy for that, as hard as that sounds. I simply can't handle all the wonderfully amazingness that Rebecca is at this moment in my life. As much as I want to, I'm too weak in my spirit to commit to anything other than my commitment to this wonderful country. And that's only because the consequences are much worse than losing a loved one if I skimp out.
I do honestly love Rebecca and Lauren. But I don't know where they fit in my life. Sometimes they feel like they should be the only thing I ever want, and then sometimes they feel like the best friend I've ever had, which are two seperate planes of existance for me. It's hard to place them. Especially when I love them the way I do.
But, the positive thing it, that I am happy with being me. I'm doing great for the first time in a long time that I almost don't want to break anything just to patch it up and start all over again. But, I'm getting to the point where i'm tired of being single and I might actually want a girlfriend again. But, after Shieanne, I'm going to be picky about it and really get to know the girl before I make any decisions.
I'm at a crossroads. Maybe when I get back from the desert, I'll have found my answer and can begin from there. Only God really knows, and only God will lead me there when He feels that it is the right time for me. Until then, I'm going to continue to heal, and continue to love life as I should have been doing the whole time.