Finally Friday!
Since Jan’s been getting up super early I’ve been sleeping on the couch. I tend to do this so he can get good sleep and so I’m not waking him to roll over if he snores or whatnot. This morning he came out of the room about 2am really pissed. He wasn’t due to get up yet but had been unable to sleep because he was upset that I asked him about sex with Melissa. He said he didn’t want her to come now because he would just be thinking about how I want to sleep with her. That he would be afraid he’d go off to the bathroom and come back to find us kissing or something. Or what was he supposed to do if we decided to go off and mess around, and he thought we had a rule about not bringing other people back to our bed..
I told him that I was not going to start anything, that I just wanted to talk about it with him ahead of time in case she brought it up, and that I did not really expect that to happen. I also told him that I had no intention of doing stuff with her without him, that the question was about US having possible adult fun with her.
He went on for a while, threw some stuff around, and then left for work even earlier than expected.
This morning I was going to try and talk to him to see if he still wants me to ask her not to come tonight, but he’s already on his ride home (since he went in even earlier than expected) so maybe we’ll get to talk more when he gets home. On the phone he said he was upset that I tried to make it about sex. I sent him a message saying that I thought he wanted me to talk to him if I was thinking about something. That if he had found out later I had thought about what would happen if she showed interest, and she did, and he knew I had been thinking about it and not brought it up he would have been upset too.. So this is confusing. I get that he doesn’t like what I was thinking about, but would he really of rather me not said anything? The last few weeks he’s been getting upset with me if he thinks I’m not telling him things that are on my mind.. Does he really want to know? Or does he just think he does?? Guess I’ll see his response to that when he gets home..
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Last night after therapy he was really upset too. I think he felt the therapist was picking on him, or not really understanding his views on education for Julien and thinking he just lets Julien do whatever he wants. He was so discouraged he was talking about leaving and just dropping everything and just getting an efficiency and letting me handle everything from now on.. But therapy is supposed to be hard right? CJ told us that he’s not there to be our friend, if we want him to be our friend therapy could take a year or more, but if he pushes us and asks us the hard questions then we can progress a lot quicker. I think he was surprised he didn’t just take his side and say that everything is my fault and that I’m the problem.
Interestingly when we were talking about things that we don’t agree on CJ said it sounds to me like you (Jan) are saying she just needs to get on board with your ideas and not that you are interested in compromising or meeting half way. Bingo! That’s totally how I feel… Yesterday we had a conversation about the money the family received from my dad’s funeral service. I have put the money in my personal savings account to keep it separate until all the final expenses are paid. He though keeps telling me things I should do with it, and it drives me crazy, why can’t we just let it sit there until this is resolved ya know?? So because I didn’t agree with him he started insulting me and yelling at me and just getting really pissed off. I told him later that I feel like if I don’t just say ‘yes sir’ to all his ideas that he gets really mean and insulting to me. He said that he does not want me to just say yes to everything. But his actions appear to say otherwise…
By the end of the session we had a couple things to try. He thought I should try to start taking over part of the budget to give Jan a break from some of his responsibilities, and he suggested to Jan to set up a learning time with the kids at home. Since he doesn’t think they should do homework but learn in more natural or fun ways, perhaps setting up a time to do stuff with them (spark fun, etc) then the kids could (especially Julien) could start to see learning as fun again, and not just associated with school and homework. He also acknowledged that we’re not really at a point to solve all our problems, but he asked us if we could at least agree to try and work on things together. He noted that we seem to be doing our own separate things and that it is putting the kids in the middle. He said he could help Julien by teaching him coping mechanisms of what to do when his parents don’t agree on things (that they are telling him) but that it would be a lot easier to help Julien with his other issues if we can get on the same page, and become a single parental unit, for the kids to see us as one, and not two opposing forces. I agreed to this right away, but Jan kept taking it back to the issues we disagree on. CJ tried to keep us focused on just agreeing to try, and not worry about the specific issues at the moment. In the end we both agreed to try and work on our disagreements and how we present ourselves to the kids.
But again like I said, before we even got home he was so upset he wanted to leave.
It was funny, while there Jan brought up his philosophy on school/home work with Julien and he said something like 7 times, and CJ said you’ve said this x numbers of times now, do you think I’m not hearing you/understanding you? Jan tried to explain that it really means a lot to him and that he wasn’t sure if he understood or not. After a few more times CJ said it again, and I said this is normal, this is what he does to me too, he’ll repeat something a dozen times saying that he doesn’t think I really HEAR what he’s saying.. I find this behavior of his VERY frustrating… Our disagreements often get stuck because he’ll just keep repeating himself despite me saying I hear you, I get it…
I don’t mean to bash on Jan or anything, I certainly have my own issues, I just thought it was interesting that CJ noticed and pointed out two things that I have also noticed/felt.
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Well Jan and I talked a while this afternoon. And he is just really worried that I am not ready to have even a casual sexual relationship with someone since I haven’t had treatment to help me understand my cycle of addition and hurting people. However, in the end he decided he’s okay with her coming over and even sleeping with her if it were to come up. However, he wouldn’t want it to just be a hook up.. Since we both like her he would ideally like it to become more of a real relationship. While I’m glad we were able to have a good talk, I feel like at this point we’ve probably talked longer about her coming over than the time she will actually spend at our house! Haha. And since I don’t really think anything is going to come up/happen it seems pretty silly to put us through so much stress worrying about all the what ifs.. but oh well we were able to talk so that’s good.
I told him that I was not going to start anything, that I just wanted to talk about it with him ahead of time in case she brought it up, and that I did not really expect that to happen. I also told him that I had no intention of doing stuff with her without him, that the question was about US having possible adult fun with her.
He went on for a while, threw some stuff around, and then left for work even earlier than expected.
This morning I was going to try and talk to him to see if he still wants me to ask her not to come tonight, but he’s already on his ride home (since he went in even earlier than expected) so maybe we’ll get to talk more when he gets home. On the phone he said he was upset that I tried to make it about sex. I sent him a message saying that I thought he wanted me to talk to him if I was thinking about something. That if he had found out later I had thought about what would happen if she showed interest, and she did, and he knew I had been thinking about it and not brought it up he would have been upset too.. So this is confusing. I get that he doesn’t like what I was thinking about, but would he really of rather me not said anything? The last few weeks he’s been getting upset with me if he thinks I’m not telling him things that are on my mind.. Does he really want to know? Or does he just think he does?? Guess I’ll see his response to that when he gets home..
---
Last night after therapy he was really upset too. I think he felt the therapist was picking on him, or not really understanding his views on education for Julien and thinking he just lets Julien do whatever he wants. He was so discouraged he was talking about leaving and just dropping everything and just getting an efficiency and letting me handle everything from now on.. But therapy is supposed to be hard right? CJ told us that he’s not there to be our friend, if we want him to be our friend therapy could take a year or more, but if he pushes us and asks us the hard questions then we can progress a lot quicker. I think he was surprised he didn’t just take his side and say that everything is my fault and that I’m the problem.
Interestingly when we were talking about things that we don’t agree on CJ said it sounds to me like you (Jan) are saying she just needs to get on board with your ideas and not that you are interested in compromising or meeting half way. Bingo! That’s totally how I feel… Yesterday we had a conversation about the money the family received from my dad’s funeral service. I have put the money in my personal savings account to keep it separate until all the final expenses are paid. He though keeps telling me things I should do with it, and it drives me crazy, why can’t we just let it sit there until this is resolved ya know?? So because I didn’t agree with him he started insulting me and yelling at me and just getting really pissed off. I told him later that I feel like if I don’t just say ‘yes sir’ to all his ideas that he gets really mean and insulting to me. He said that he does not want me to just say yes to everything. But his actions appear to say otherwise…
By the end of the session we had a couple things to try. He thought I should try to start taking over part of the budget to give Jan a break from some of his responsibilities, and he suggested to Jan to set up a learning time with the kids at home. Since he doesn’t think they should do homework but learn in more natural or fun ways, perhaps setting up a time to do stuff with them (spark fun, etc) then the kids could (especially Julien) could start to see learning as fun again, and not just associated with school and homework. He also acknowledged that we’re not really at a point to solve all our problems, but he asked us if we could at least agree to try and work on things together. He noted that we seem to be doing our own separate things and that it is putting the kids in the middle. He said he could help Julien by teaching him coping mechanisms of what to do when his parents don’t agree on things (that they are telling him) but that it would be a lot easier to help Julien with his other issues if we can get on the same page, and become a single parental unit, for the kids to see us as one, and not two opposing forces. I agreed to this right away, but Jan kept taking it back to the issues we disagree on. CJ tried to keep us focused on just agreeing to try, and not worry about the specific issues at the moment. In the end we both agreed to try and work on our disagreements and how we present ourselves to the kids.
But again like I said, before we even got home he was so upset he wanted to leave.
It was funny, while there Jan brought up his philosophy on school/home work with Julien and he said something like 7 times, and CJ said you’ve said this x numbers of times now, do you think I’m not hearing you/understanding you? Jan tried to explain that it really means a lot to him and that he wasn’t sure if he understood or not. After a few more times CJ said it again, and I said this is normal, this is what he does to me too, he’ll repeat something a dozen times saying that he doesn’t think I really HEAR what he’s saying.. I find this behavior of his VERY frustrating… Our disagreements often get stuck because he’ll just keep repeating himself despite me saying I hear you, I get it…
I don’t mean to bash on Jan or anything, I certainly have my own issues, I just thought it was interesting that CJ noticed and pointed out two things that I have also noticed/felt.
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Well Jan and I talked a while this afternoon. And he is just really worried that I am not ready to have even a casual sexual relationship with someone since I haven’t had treatment to help me understand my cycle of addition and hurting people. However, in the end he decided he’s okay with her coming over and even sleeping with her if it were to come up. However, he wouldn’t want it to just be a hook up.. Since we both like her he would ideally like it to become more of a real relationship. While I’m glad we were able to have a good talk, I feel like at this point we’ve probably talked longer about her coming over than the time she will actually spend at our house! Haha. And since I don’t really think anything is going to come up/happen it seems pretty silly to put us through so much stress worrying about all the what ifs.. but oh well we were able to talk so that’s good.