No Rainbow without rain
Anxiety sucks. Having a mind plagued by every.stupid.little.thing sucks.
The negative, power sucking self talk (that you don’t even realise your doing) sucks.
I have great days…sometimes weeks where everything is fine and dandy. Aint nothing going to rain on my parade. Then.
BAM!
Down for the count, struggling just to get through the day. Replaying every little social interaction I have, because I did/said/looked at someone wrong - Which the logical side of my brain is very quick to point out is utter nonsense…”your being a crazy person. Nothing is wrong. Stop!”
But that little annoying CONSTANT voice wont let go that easy! And it wont just be current situations. Oh no. What about that time six days ago? Six weeks ago? Six fucking months ago?!
“you totally buggered that up!”
“Man! No wonder they didn’t like you”
“ It was completely and utterly your fault! You know that right?”
As my psychologist pointed out. Why is it always my fault?
I didn’t ( and still don’t) really have an answer. I tried to answer. But they seemed more like excuses for why other people are ok to do what they’re doing, and why its not the same for me.
Apparently I need to lower my ‘impossible’ standards I have for myself.
Going to a psychologist has definitely made me more aware of my thinking, and how defeatist it is.
The fact I have gone my whole life and never really realised is a complete mind meld for me. I have always considered myself a pretty positive and happy person.
But the more and more we analyse, past relationships/past situations and my reactions the more I realise how much this has always effected me.
Constantly feeling like I never measure up. Im never good enough. Im never pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough. And now on top of that, that I don’t measure up as a mother. And doing stupid stupid things in the pursuit to make those feelings better and go away.
I was asked to write a list of why I am important and to who….so far I can’t come up with anything. And that upsets me. I am racking my brain and I can’t come up with one. Single. Thing.
I don’t feel like people put me first. I don’t feel like I am valued, or a priority. I have always felt like I need to just ‘put up and shut up’ because no one needs to deal with my BS.
They have enough going on, they don’t need to know about my insecurities and how utterly vulnerable and anxiety ridden I feel. And being that way has just slowly eaten away at me. It has devoured me. And while iam trying so so hard to express myself better and be honest about how I feel, I have a long way to go.
It is certainly the hardest things I have ever had to try do..