Cue the fog machine
I just made ramen at midnight, and I figured that was as good a time as any to make an LJ post, since I really suck at them, and I don't really have much to say but I sure can ramble.
So here's a list of thoughts/experiences/things/stuff/shrewbiousity in no particular order, although I'll try to be somewhat chronologicalish.
-Hate fandom, fail at fandom, have breakdown, so much for that "giving it up" thing. That last post was kind of stupid, although I really did love that dumb book.
-Never writing again is going pretty great, if by great I mean something like "complicated and conflicting feelings of being a failure and a let down and what if I used up all my ideas writing shit when I was in high school why can't I fandom I miss characters I loved and didn't hate and blah."
-About two weeks ago I started coughing at work. I thought it was allergies. I found out three people at work were sick. Then my nose started running and the sad fact is that I have enough allergy problems to be able to tell when something ISN'T allergies. Ultimately what happened is I had a cough, a runny nose, and a fever of 102. I haven't been that sick since high school. I stayed at my house and spent a sleepless night watching almost an entire set of MSTs, at least one of them twice. It should be noted that even though the bottle of ibuprofen says not to take more than 6 in 24 hours, my doctor friend assures me this isn't true. God I wish I'd know that.
-It took a long time to feel better. Actually I've really only started to feel better (and actually want to eat things) in the past few days. I was sad for a while. I didn't go online for a week. That might have been good.
-I'm trying to actively not think about fandom. That's also doing some good.
-Saw "Iron Man 3," and I really liked it, which I think is saying something since a) I thought the second movie was super weak and a total letdown and b) Tony Stark and I have not always been any kind of friends. But yeah. It made me happy. I was pleased.
-Will be seeing Star Trek this week, but I'm trying to go in with no expectations except that I will see Sulu, and eat popcorn. I feel like there's been so much negatively surrounding it and considering my mental state re: fandom, it's just better this way.
-I finally learned how to read after "The Passage." What brought me out was "Bringing Out the Dead," which I already knew had been made into an excellent movie, and proved itself to be an excellent book. A few of my favorite lines weren't in the book, but it was really exceptional.
-I also finally read "Middlesex," like ten years later. It honestly lived up to the hype. I loved it.
-Also "Sharp Objects," since everyone is all about Gillian Flynn right now because of "Gone Girl." It was super dark and distressed me, but I keep thinking about it, so I guess I really liked it. It made me want to read "In the Woods" again, but I've been feeling that way for a while.
-You know what I do love, though? "Game of Thrones." It's a fandom that doesn't hurt me and doesn't ask anything from me and I can watch it and just love it. It's just so fucking good I want to pet it with my teeth. I wish anyone could actually write fic about Jaime and Brienne being bro-ish, but non-fic writers living in glass fandoms shouldn't throw stones or whatever. Not to mention that the depth of the source material beyond the show makes it difficult. The point is USBGisdubgskb I actively adore it. I am sad that in the summer I won't be able to wear my House Targaryen sweatshirt as much. That is why I need a Golden Company shirt. But first I must earn it.
-I need to get back into sewing. It's hard to sew when you're sad. I owe thistlerose her poor dolls, which are pretty much just waiting to have their photoshoots, but the weather has been awful or I have been too something to get anything done. But I need to actually have shit for Otakon this time.
-OTAKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON. Yesssssssssssssssssss. We will be together again.
-Prior to Ota, going to New Mexico with my parents and Chris for my mom's 70th birthday. Have requested we go to Los Alamos and Roswell, where I will see the aliens. Sad to learn that Area 51 and Groom Lake are actually in Nevada, and that you are not allowed near the Trinity test site yet.
-I need very much to find a therapist for my various issues. Last week my mom said "I don't know that anyone had any idea throwing up would send you into such a spiral," and I was thinking, "Well I did, I just didn't know no one else picked up on it." But yeah. It just seems, as so many things do, like such an incredible effort, and on days when I don't feel sad, I don't want to think about it. By the way, if anyone hasn't seen it yet, this article on depression by Hyperbole and a Half is pretty astounding. I have never been suicidal, but a lot of the time when I talk about my emetophobia, my fears, or my fandom feelings, I feel like I'm showing people my dead fish. I also found this about anxiety, which is also pretty spot on. GOD IF ONLY I COULD SOMEHOW EXPRESS MY OWN FEELINGS IN SUCH A MANNER.
-I've been thinking about starting a blog for my movie collection, wherein I watch one of them every few days and then blather about it. But I'm so good at LJ right now, I'm not sure how well I'd do.
-I feel like I should end this on a somewhat positive note, though.
-My guinea pigs are beautiful.
-In...I think March, I got to see Dessa of Doomtree, and it was really incredible. She had such presence. I get compliments on my Dess t-shirt every time I wear it too. (Now I just need Doomtree to come here).
-In April I got to meet JuJubee, my favorite drag queen. She performed at the UW and it was incredible. She was so gorgeous and positive and life-affirming and funny and talented, and I actually got to go up to her, hug her, give her pictures of piggy-Jujubee, and hug her more. She told me I looked beautiful and that she loved me. It was almost a spiritual experience. I need to think about it more when I'm feeling low.
And I guess for now, that's that.
So here's a list of thoughts/experiences/things/stuff/shrewbiousity in no particular order, although I'll try to be somewhat chronologicalish.
-Hate fandom, fail at fandom, have breakdown, so much for that "giving it up" thing. That last post was kind of stupid, although I really did love that dumb book.
-Never writing again is going pretty great, if by great I mean something like "complicated and conflicting feelings of being a failure and a let down and what if I used up all my ideas writing shit when I was in high school why can't I fandom I miss characters I loved and didn't hate and blah."
-About two weeks ago I started coughing at work. I thought it was allergies. I found out three people at work were sick. Then my nose started running and the sad fact is that I have enough allergy problems to be able to tell when something ISN'T allergies. Ultimately what happened is I had a cough, a runny nose, and a fever of 102. I haven't been that sick since high school. I stayed at my house and spent a sleepless night watching almost an entire set of MSTs, at least one of them twice. It should be noted that even though the bottle of ibuprofen says not to take more than 6 in 24 hours, my doctor friend assures me this isn't true. God I wish I'd know that.
-It took a long time to feel better. Actually I've really only started to feel better (and actually want to eat things) in the past few days. I was sad for a while. I didn't go online for a week. That might have been good.
-I'm trying to actively not think about fandom. That's also doing some good.
-Saw "Iron Man 3," and I really liked it, which I think is saying something since a) I thought the second movie was super weak and a total letdown and b) Tony Stark and I have not always been any kind of friends. But yeah. It made me happy. I was pleased.
-Will be seeing Star Trek this week, but I'm trying to go in with no expectations except that I will see Sulu, and eat popcorn. I feel like there's been so much negatively surrounding it and considering my mental state re: fandom, it's just better this way.
-I finally learned how to read after "The Passage." What brought me out was "Bringing Out the Dead," which I already knew had been made into an excellent movie, and proved itself to be an excellent book. A few of my favorite lines weren't in the book, but it was really exceptional.
-I also finally read "Middlesex," like ten years later. It honestly lived up to the hype. I loved it.
-Also "Sharp Objects," since everyone is all about Gillian Flynn right now because of "Gone Girl." It was super dark and distressed me, but I keep thinking about it, so I guess I really liked it. It made me want to read "In the Woods" again, but I've been feeling that way for a while.
-You know what I do love, though? "Game of Thrones." It's a fandom that doesn't hurt me and doesn't ask anything from me and I can watch it and just love it. It's just so fucking good I want to pet it with my teeth. I wish anyone could actually write fic about Jaime and Brienne being bro-ish, but non-fic writers living in glass fandoms shouldn't throw stones or whatever. Not to mention that the depth of the source material beyond the show makes it difficult. The point is USBGisdubgskb I actively adore it. I am sad that in the summer I won't be able to wear my House Targaryen sweatshirt as much. That is why I need a Golden Company shirt. But first I must earn it.
-I need to get back into sewing. It's hard to sew when you're sad. I owe thistlerose her poor dolls, which are pretty much just waiting to have their photoshoots, but the weather has been awful or I have been too something to get anything done. But I need to actually have shit for Otakon this time.
-OTAKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON. Yesssssssssssssssssss. We will be together again.
-Prior to Ota, going to New Mexico with my parents and Chris for my mom's 70th birthday. Have requested we go to Los Alamos and Roswell, where I will see the aliens. Sad to learn that Area 51 and Groom Lake are actually in Nevada, and that you are not allowed near the Trinity test site yet.
-I need very much to find a therapist for my various issues. Last week my mom said "I don't know that anyone had any idea throwing up would send you into such a spiral," and I was thinking, "Well I did, I just didn't know no one else picked up on it." But yeah. It just seems, as so many things do, like such an incredible effort, and on days when I don't feel sad, I don't want to think about it. By the way, if anyone hasn't seen it yet, this article on depression by Hyperbole and a Half is pretty astounding. I have never been suicidal, but a lot of the time when I talk about my emetophobia, my fears, or my fandom feelings, I feel like I'm showing people my dead fish. I also found this about anxiety, which is also pretty spot on. GOD IF ONLY I COULD SOMEHOW EXPRESS MY OWN FEELINGS IN SUCH A MANNER.
-I've been thinking about starting a blog for my movie collection, wherein I watch one of them every few days and then blather about it. But I'm so good at LJ right now, I'm not sure how well I'd do.
-I feel like I should end this on a somewhat positive note, though.
-My guinea pigs are beautiful.
-In...I think March, I got to see Dessa of Doomtree, and it was really incredible. She had such presence. I get compliments on my Dess t-shirt every time I wear it too. (Now I just need Doomtree to come here).
-In April I got to meet JuJubee, my favorite drag queen. She performed at the UW and it was incredible. She was so gorgeous and positive and life-affirming and funny and talented, and I actually got to go up to her, hug her, give her pictures of piggy-Jujubee, and hug her more. She told me I looked beautiful and that she loved me. It was almost a spiritual experience. I need to think about it more when I'm feeling low.
And I guess for now, that's that.