(no subject)
CW Death & Real Life Shit
Death doesn't usually bother me all that much. I believe that people just stop existing, and while it's hard for those left behind, the person who died is no longer suffering and nothing else bad will happen to them now.
The schiz probably helps with it too - my outlook on life and reality in general.
But sometimes things hit me weird, and this weekend I got hit.
I had a few very close friends growing up (I wasn't a super social person + I'm weird 😂), and I've kept in touch with several of them. A few of those were friends + fuckbuddies.
Cecil was one of them.
We stopped playing when he got married. Played after his divorce. Stopped playing again when he got married again. I kept in touch off and on over the years though.
Last weekend he died of complications related to Covid. His wife said he wasn't feeling THAT bad, and once he stopped testing positive, he went back to work. But then his heart and lungs just gave out.
The doctor listed the cause of death as exhaustion, but he was a fairly healthy guy who didn't let life's stresses get to him and wasn't overworked, so his wife and I are convinced that Covid beat the shit out of him and his body gave out.
His wife wants him listed as a Covid death and is pissed the doc wouldn't do that. We've complained to each other before about how dismissive everybody is about Covid.
Anyway, Cecil was there for me during a really REALLY shitty time in my life when I wasn't trusting anybody (not that it's easy for me to trust anyway) and my schiz was at its worst.
He's one of only two people I let dom me for several years because I couldn't let go with anybody else and wouldn't allow anybody else to get me into bondage I couldn't get myself out of. I've always mostly dommed because of this.
It's always the good people who die early and the total pieces of shit who live a long life.
Cecil wasn't perfect, but he left A LOT of family and friends behind who adored him.
He let me complain about my shitty family in my life, and he always joked about how he KNEW they were going to live long lives because they're so shitty. I would tell him he was going to die young because he was awesome. He had a dark sense of humor and thought that was hilarious.
It hit me that he left behind so many people who are really going to miss him.
And in a selfish way it hit me that the only two people I trusted to dom me when I was at my worst are both gone now. Cecil recently and Amanda a few years back.
My family pulled more stupid shit over the weekend that had me scrambling to fix things, so during the day I was distracted enough, but at night when nobody is bugging me and it's dark and quiet, it's getting to me.
One of those "feeling lonely when you're surrounded by people" types of thing when I'm usually not a lonely person, but it's probably just the concept that's making me feel that way. The reality is nothing's really changed.