(no subject)
Obviously I didn't want Max to die, but given that it was clear from Monday morning on that he was going to, I'm glad that he died when he did. Monday afternoon I made an appointment for Tuesday evening to take Max in to the vet to let him go, and at that point I had no reason to think he wouldn't last that long. It's usually a hard decision to make, at least timing-wise, because you don't want to let them go to soon, but you don't want them to needlessly suffer either. And in that respect I actually "failed", since he did suffer some at the end. But in retrospect I think Max would have wanted it that way.
Max was glad to get home from the vet Saturday, and he did not want to go back. The way I see it, packing him up into the carrier, getting a ride or walking to the vet, waitng there for my appointment, going in to actually do it, etc, would have taken an hour or more. And that would have been an hour of him being upset and scared and unhappy. Max died at 2:20am, and it was until 12:30am that he noticeably took a turn for the worse, and it was only in the last 10 minutes or so that it got bad. He had been sitting in my lap out in the living room until that point, clearly lethargic but seemingly happy to be there.
When at about 12:30am it became clear that he was getting worse I took him into my bedroom and just laid him down on the bed with me, and just held him and petted him and tried to comfort him as much as I could. At this point he was clearly begining to suffer some, and periodicly he would clench and whine, but then he would relax again and seem to take comfort in petting him and talking to him. At that point I still thought he would at least make it until morning, and a few times I actually drifted off for a bit and I think he did too. Then at about 2:10am it unfortunately got much worse. This was the part I still wish I could have spared him, and if I'd had something I could have given him to end it then I would have. But as hard as it was at the end for him, and me, it only lasted for about 10 minutes, and then he was gone.
And maybe it's just that I have to believe this for myself, but even though taking him in would have spared him that last 10 minutes, I think he would chosen how he went over that. He really did not want to go back to the vet, and I think for him as bad as those last 10 minutes were, in his mind they were better than having to spend his last hour in the car and then at the vets, scared and unhappy the whole time. Not that he wasn't scared and unhappy at the end anyway, but he was home with me, and even in the last few minutes he did seem to look in my eyes a couple of times and recognize I was there, and I have to at least hope that helped at least a bit.