Cactus in the Winter........
Lo and behold! for the first time in about a month, i'm making an entry!! To sum up the good stuff, karate is going good, cool tournament, and school isn't going half bad. i've been working out and i'm feeling better and stronger because of it.
now, onto the rest of the entry.
Well, for those that don't know, i have this cactus in my room that i got as a birthday gift. well, i've been waiting for it to die so i haven't watered it since some time in september. well, since i stopped watering it, its not dead, and i think it grew slightly. its even collected lint and dust its been untouched for so long, but its not died. i've practically avoided, and it hasn't went away.
anyway, i'm not in the greatest mood right now. about a month and a half ago, a girl i used to know started calling me again. at the time, i needed a homecoming date, and i asked her. she had said yes, but ended up unable to go. oh well, i thought i had a half decent prospect, and me and her continued talking on the phone. well, as it turns out, she is still talking to her on and off internet boyfriend who lives in alabama, who is also in his 2nd senior year. well, for those that don't know, i think internet relationships are among the dumbest damn things for someone in high school, which this girl is. especially since the guy strings her along. and well, this girl as a prospect is a quickly diminishing hope, for you see, i could be the greatest guy in the world, and i'd still be 2nd to the dumbass, skinny little bitch from alabama that strings her along and who wants to come down here to cradle rob her one weekend. granted, she's starting to see that her alabama bitch is an asshole, but i still have no chance. now, considering we talked on the phone A LOT this past month or so, she charmed me some. so i'm a lil hurt. i'm also A) jealous and B) pissed the hell off.
now, since i am both a guy that likes the girl and a concerned friend at the same time, to fulfill my responsibilities as the latter, i have encouraged her to stop talking to the guy, since all he does is string her along and hurt her. i mentioned how i've used the "cutting off contact" as a way to get over girls before. and well, this reminded me of my most recent use of this method. my summer crush who i chased after for a few months. for those unfamiliar with the scenario, read one of my first entries entitled "so much for my happy ending". well, to stay friends with my summer crush without the awkwardness of my rejection (my summer crush will be the girl mentioned for the rest of this entry), i knew i had to get over her. and well, i cut off contact to do so. in the past 4 months, i've talked to this girl so few times i could count them with my fingers.
in previous uses, this has allowed me to get over a girl. but, as i've been slowly realizing over the past few weeks and not wanting to admit, it didn't work quite as well this time. furthermore, i know why. one, the girl in this case (summer crush) truly wanted to stay friends, whereas previous times, the girl wouldn't push me away, but wouldn't try to hard to hold onto me as a friend either. also, i had more anger in previous uses of cutting off contact, anger i could feed off of a lil bit and use as a motivation to move on. but this girl, didn't invoke such anger in me, cause well, she didn't deserve that much bitterness. so, i've not talked to her in 4 months, and although those feelings are a great deal weaker than they were and i'm ready to look at this situation logically, i still like the girl some.
and herein lies my problem. cause i've realized something. granted my reasons were understandable (maybe not the best reasons, but understandable) for not talking to her, but nonetheless, i've made a mistake. because essentially, i stopped talking to a girl just because she wouldn't date me. i try to be fair to people, yet there's nothing fair in that. frankly, it was downright prickly of me. and to top it off, i didn't even get over her by making this mistake. i handled it so maturely when i straight up asked her how the situation was, yet after i got my answer, i ran off like a scared lil bitch. needless to say, i'm not proud of what i've done. but its a mistake in the past, so now, i need to look to the future, and well, now i'm trying to think of a way to fix that mistake.
now, some people reading this are gonna be ready to lop my head off my shoulders, because they'll think i'm a sap for wanting to re-establish contact with this girl. and well, for those of you who fall into this category, save it, i already know your side of the arguement, i've considered it, so hearing it would be redundant. its fine to not 100% agree with me on this, and its fine to 100% disagree, just save the criticism.
now, granted, there are a few other cool girls i know, but whether it be due to not knowing the girl well, being in a friend zone, or just highly unfavorable circumstances, they're not prospects. so i'm caught between an older crush that i'm still not over, and a newer crush which is well, gonna crush me if i pursue it. i don't want any harsh criticism, basically because i don't need anyone else to tell me that the situation sucks, cause i know it sucks. but if anyone has some helpful suggestions or can relate some, feel free to respond.
well, after writing and making myself aware of all that, i'm a little more in sync with myself, a mild epiphany so to speak, so there's hope for me yet. oh, and as for that cactus, i watered it a few hours ago for the first time in over a month.
now, onto the rest of the entry.
Well, for those that don't know, i have this cactus in my room that i got as a birthday gift. well, i've been waiting for it to die so i haven't watered it since some time in september. well, since i stopped watering it, its not dead, and i think it grew slightly. its even collected lint and dust its been untouched for so long, but its not died. i've practically avoided, and it hasn't went away.
anyway, i'm not in the greatest mood right now. about a month and a half ago, a girl i used to know started calling me again. at the time, i needed a homecoming date, and i asked her. she had said yes, but ended up unable to go. oh well, i thought i had a half decent prospect, and me and her continued talking on the phone. well, as it turns out, she is still talking to her on and off internet boyfriend who lives in alabama, who is also in his 2nd senior year. well, for those that don't know, i think internet relationships are among the dumbest damn things for someone in high school, which this girl is. especially since the guy strings her along. and well, this girl as a prospect is a quickly diminishing hope, for you see, i could be the greatest guy in the world, and i'd still be 2nd to the dumbass, skinny little bitch from alabama that strings her along and who wants to come down here to cradle rob her one weekend. granted, she's starting to see that her alabama bitch is an asshole, but i still have no chance. now, considering we talked on the phone A LOT this past month or so, she charmed me some. so i'm a lil hurt. i'm also A) jealous and B) pissed the hell off.
now, since i am both a guy that likes the girl and a concerned friend at the same time, to fulfill my responsibilities as the latter, i have encouraged her to stop talking to the guy, since all he does is string her along and hurt her. i mentioned how i've used the "cutting off contact" as a way to get over girls before. and well, this reminded me of my most recent use of this method. my summer crush who i chased after for a few months. for those unfamiliar with the scenario, read one of my first entries entitled "so much for my happy ending". well, to stay friends with my summer crush without the awkwardness of my rejection (my summer crush will be the girl mentioned for the rest of this entry), i knew i had to get over her. and well, i cut off contact to do so. in the past 4 months, i've talked to this girl so few times i could count them with my fingers.
in previous uses, this has allowed me to get over a girl. but, as i've been slowly realizing over the past few weeks and not wanting to admit, it didn't work quite as well this time. furthermore, i know why. one, the girl in this case (summer crush) truly wanted to stay friends, whereas previous times, the girl wouldn't push me away, but wouldn't try to hard to hold onto me as a friend either. also, i had more anger in previous uses of cutting off contact, anger i could feed off of a lil bit and use as a motivation to move on. but this girl, didn't invoke such anger in me, cause well, she didn't deserve that much bitterness. so, i've not talked to her in 4 months, and although those feelings are a great deal weaker than they were and i'm ready to look at this situation logically, i still like the girl some.
and herein lies my problem. cause i've realized something. granted my reasons were understandable (maybe not the best reasons, but understandable) for not talking to her, but nonetheless, i've made a mistake. because essentially, i stopped talking to a girl just because she wouldn't date me. i try to be fair to people, yet there's nothing fair in that. frankly, it was downright prickly of me. and to top it off, i didn't even get over her by making this mistake. i handled it so maturely when i straight up asked her how the situation was, yet after i got my answer, i ran off like a scared lil bitch. needless to say, i'm not proud of what i've done. but its a mistake in the past, so now, i need to look to the future, and well, now i'm trying to think of a way to fix that mistake.
now, some people reading this are gonna be ready to lop my head off my shoulders, because they'll think i'm a sap for wanting to re-establish contact with this girl. and well, for those of you who fall into this category, save it, i already know your side of the arguement, i've considered it, so hearing it would be redundant. its fine to not 100% agree with me on this, and its fine to 100% disagree, just save the criticism.
now, granted, there are a few other cool girls i know, but whether it be due to not knowing the girl well, being in a friend zone, or just highly unfavorable circumstances, they're not prospects. so i'm caught between an older crush that i'm still not over, and a newer crush which is well, gonna crush me if i pursue it. i don't want any harsh criticism, basically because i don't need anyone else to tell me that the situation sucks, cause i know it sucks. but if anyone has some helpful suggestions or can relate some, feel free to respond.
well, after writing and making myself aware of all that, i'm a little more in sync with myself, a mild epiphany so to speak, so there's hope for me yet. oh, and as for that cactus, i watered it a few hours ago for the first time in over a month.