(no subject)
i keep trying to tell myself that my life was fine before him and it will be fine after him too. but i cant help but cry everytime i think of my life without him. we talked today for the first time in four days really. he says we should both move on and date other people. it makes my stomach hurt so bad to even think about. i dont understand. less than a week ago everything seemed perfect. i slept there every night and we cuddled and watched movies, he was calling just to say hi and ending with "i love you", we were doing everything together. its just really hard for me to deal with. he says hes not happy. he seemed really happy then. and i know him well enough to know he wouldnt just fake it. i know him well enough to know if he was faking it and he wasnt. i feel like my heart has been ripped out and stomped all over. i have never felt like this before. i never thought he'd just abandon me like this. i put so much time and effort into our relationship. i went out of my way to do things just to show how much he means to me. i just dont get it. of course hes made me feel like its all my fault and i hate myself for it. its times like these that i wish i never met him. i should have listened to everyone that said id get my heart broken. i really have. i truly didnt think i could ever give myself to someone like i did to him. jesus christ im having a fucking panic attack. how can one fucking person make me feel this way? ive sacraficed so much for him. i supported him for over a year while he wasnt working. hes done so much to hurt me and ive looked past it knowing he loves me. for what? for him to fucking do this to me. i need him so much right now and he bails the second things get tough. i wish i hated him. i wish i could have hung up the phone today and not picked it up and call him back. i hate this so much. i hate wearing my heart on my sleeve like this. what is it about him? why cant i just listen to everyone else and see that for the past two years everyone has predicted he'd do this to me. i just thought it was different with us. i told him "i know you still love me" and he hung up...because he knows its true. hes so predictable like that. he always does that. i just dont understand what hes afraid of. he knows id never hurt him. ive stuck around this long havent i? why is it impossible for things to stay great with us? everytime things are good for a long time he does this to me. im so fucking stupid. i really am. its not like this is the first time its happened. but im really scared this is it for us. im not ready to let go. i cant. i love him unconditionally. i know this is going to hurt for a long time. oh fuck. i dont even know why i wrote this. why is it impossible for me to be happy?