(no subject)
There are times when the world baffles me. Or I guess the better way to put it is there are times when I baffle myself. Its incredible how you can know; just know about another person and who they are. A best friend or a parent, a teacher even, someone you spend a lot of time with that leads to you knowing a persons habits and quirks. But when you look inward it seems you are regarding a stranger. A person whom you have never actually encountered, and you say something like "what the fuck is wrong with them?" My question is how can we claim to know about other people when we barely know who we are? I have done things that surprised me, that I would have never thought I was capable of doing. These things happen and they kind of throw you for a loop. You begin to wonder if your own view or opinion of yourself isn't true, then what is. I keep thinking, "Is this my life? How did it come to this? What could have changed, what should I have done to make this out come any different."
I consider myself a person who doesn't lie a lot. But when I really think about it, though lying is by definition not telling the truth it is also not saying the truth. and that, indeed, I am guilty of. How many times have I chosen not to speak my mind because I was afraid? Afraid to injure someone else, afraid to say the wrong thing, recently, afraid to ruin the precarious balance of something I wanted so badly. And then I lament when I feel like no one is listening to me, that my voice is not being heard. Why do people mold themself into what they think is the right idea? Does everyone do that or is it just me? I'm always quick to defend myself when others find fault in me. I guess you can say I'm the kind of person who doesn’t take criticism well, but at the end of the day when it’s just you, what’s the use in lying to yourself?
I believe that the things we hate the most about others are the things we hate about ourselves. I hate hate FUCKING HATE liars. Is it because I see in myself, not the habit of not telling truth, but the habit of with holding truth? It is something that makes me absolutely sure that the other person is never being 100% honest with me. The sad thing is that I’ve been proven right time and time again. It's also sad that I will lie to myself and say that I’m just a naive trusting person. It's true, a lot of times I just don't think about what another person could be doing, that another person could be telling me a lie, because it is something I wish people didn’t do. But when I think back on situations where I just KNEW that someone was being honest, I see all the signs. The feeling that way down deep deep inside I really did know that just the opposite was true. I did in fact know something, and I lied to myself, maybe just to keep things synchronized.
Anyway, all this from a line in a book that said "I'm telling you all of this because I want you to know that no one in my life has ever made me feel worse about myself then you." And I wish it is something I could have said. Something I would have been brave enough to say out loud face to face instead of making cryptic journal entries, or veiled comments. All though in my version it would be "better or worse"
I consider myself a person who doesn't lie a lot. But when I really think about it, though lying is by definition not telling the truth it is also not saying the truth. and that, indeed, I am guilty of. How many times have I chosen not to speak my mind because I was afraid? Afraid to injure someone else, afraid to say the wrong thing, recently, afraid to ruin the precarious balance of something I wanted so badly. And then I lament when I feel like no one is listening to me, that my voice is not being heard. Why do people mold themself into what they think is the right idea? Does everyone do that or is it just me? I'm always quick to defend myself when others find fault in me. I guess you can say I'm the kind of person who doesn’t take criticism well, but at the end of the day when it’s just you, what’s the use in lying to yourself?
I believe that the things we hate the most about others are the things we hate about ourselves. I hate hate FUCKING HATE liars. Is it because I see in myself, not the habit of not telling truth, but the habit of with holding truth? It is something that makes me absolutely sure that the other person is never being 100% honest with me. The sad thing is that I’ve been proven right time and time again. It's also sad that I will lie to myself and say that I’m just a naive trusting person. It's true, a lot of times I just don't think about what another person could be doing, that another person could be telling me a lie, because it is something I wish people didn’t do. But when I think back on situations where I just KNEW that someone was being honest, I see all the signs. The feeling that way down deep deep inside I really did know that just the opposite was true. I did in fact know something, and I lied to myself, maybe just to keep things synchronized.
Anyway, all this from a line in a book that said "I'm telling you all of this because I want you to know that no one in my life has ever made me feel worse about myself then you." And I wish it is something I could have said. Something I would have been brave enough to say out loud face to face instead of making cryptic journal entries, or veiled comments. All though in my version it would be "better or worse"