THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF OUTDOOR MUSIC FESTIVALS
THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF OUTDOOR MUSIC FESTIVALS
BY DEMETRI MARTIN
attending a big outdoor music show is like sex: if you're prepared you leave with cherished memories and a great story. If not you leave as fast as you can and seek medical attention. So heed these not-at-all-useless survival tips
Master the fine art of squirreling
overeat grotesquely in the days before the festival, like a squirrel loading up for the winter. that way you wont have to scarf so many $16 gyros once you get there
Don't fight anyone who has more tattoos then you
if a few people are fighting the one with the most tattos usually wins. the exception to this rule is junkies. with junkies the rule flips. The junkie with the fewest tattoos is probably slightly stronger, so bet on him. Also, if someone has a face tattoo, be cool and do not touch it- unless he commandds you to.
Bring and throw a beach ball
Music sounds way better when you get clocked in the back of the head with a giant plastic projectile. plus the spinning colors look pretty to people who are tripping. it's nice to give a little something back
Don't accept jesuses
guys who look like jesus tend to smell bad. you will find lots of these at summer music festivals, sometimes on stage. Keep a safe distance from any fake jesus or disciple looking guy unless you run out of weed
Establish a sleep radius
though fiscally sound, camping amid strangers invites obvious risks. try to keep a three foot perimeter around you when sleeping in order to prevent any unauthorized spooning and/or dry humping. Those $16 gyros will certainly do the trick. Also be sure to look like a living thing when you are sleeping. someone will be less likely to step on your head
Don't bro down
you should neither associate with anyone who calls people "bro" nor acknowledge anyone who calls you that. beer will only make these broffenders worse as the day goes by
Buy a lot of merch
There is no better place to shop then a music festival. everything costs three to seven times more then it normally does. plus you have no place to put it. awesome. buying things you don't need then carrying them around with you all day is a perfect way to celebrate mindless consumerism. especially if you don't understand things like irony or sarcasm
Don't underestimate the sun
if a fellow festival goer is hapy despite having skin the color of jack whites pants circa 2003 that means he or she is drunk or high. So its probably easier to make out with that person. just sayin'. protect yourself with high-SPF sunblock or failing that, the ranch dipping sauce that came with your chicken fingers
Show your appreciation
people used to hoist lighters at concerts when they liked a song. Now it's cell phones. if you really like a song, go the extra mile by lighting your cell phone on fire and holding it aloft
Bring someone pale and/or Fancy
metrosexuals and goths are both poorly equipped for festival life and therefore can be an entertaining addition to any group. lonely, high maintenance people + crowded outdoor areas = funny. wagering the onset of heatstroke is a good way to pass the down time between bands.
Don't stand behind the dick wearing the sombrero.
unless he's playing in a mariachi band on the second stage no one should attend a concert or movie or anything wearing a hat that big and stupid. That said you can use this person as a landmark: "We're ten feet behind the guy with the sombrero"
Plan for the porta potty
get into the line when you dont have to go because by the time you get to the front you will. Once your inside apply a binder clip or $40 t- shirt over your nose and try to think about other things, like a meadow or a rain forest, or clouds made out of cotton candy
Don't catch on fire
this will ruin the festival for you. If you catch fire at any point, stop, drop, and roll. Also, make those devil horns with your hands. It will look as if your rocking out and ultimately you will appear pretty cool, even while burning
Don't join a drum circle
avoid, avoid, avoid the drum circle- we're looking at you bonnaroo. scientist, in two seperate independant studies recently proved that the drum circle is the most annoying shape civilization has ever produced
I used to make the light shine for you. The sun has left my sky. Velvet walls surround my sorrows. I’ve sacrificed my pride. You’re giving up on me. I’ve laid myself to sleep tonight. I know you’ve played out everything in your mind. And now you throw it all away. A shattered memory that you would stay, through thick and thin with me. You’re giving up on me. And when you feel the pain, I’m wishing I could stay. How can I say I love you back, you never made me happy. You’ve laid yourself to sleep, I never said this wouldn’t hurt. You gave up everything; I never said I’d give it back. I know you’ll never change; I won’t be good enough for you. I know, you’ll make it through, I’ll never be around to see.