evolution and change.
shad and i had a fight. a big one. one of the biggest pieces was about me. about how i don't like myself, yet i am against things changing me. he asked me, "why don't you want to change, when you hate the way you are?" i had no answer. i never have.
i beleive that slowly, over time, we change. we evolve when things in our lives happen to us. i am not who i was years ago, but i don't think it's possible to change myself overnight. the only way one can notice change is to observe over a long period of time. shad and i have lived together for two years. he knew me online for another year on top of that. who's to say his viewpoint over the last two years hasn't been too close? maybe he can't see the changes because he stands inside the circle and therefore can't see the shape as clearly.
and who's to say i need to change? sure, i may not like myself, but does that really hurt anyone? my dislike for myself hasn't been the kind i've seriously, physically taken out on me for years. and it's not that i hate myself. i am not happy with who i am. i want to be someone different. i want to be stronger. is that wrong? to want to change but to be affraid of change?
i discussed the ideas surrounding change with angel-wings. she says that if you are able to function in your everyday life - leave the house, work toward supporting yourself, make friends - then you do not seriously need to change. i can do these things. i DO do these things. so in her eyes it is not nesicary for me to change.
but shad - i live with shad - he observes me most out of anyone. he hears me when i cry. and he says i need to change. i told him durring our fight that i would try. but now i'm affraid that i'd be changing for him.
the way i chose to try and bring about some change would not be something he would like. i chose my meathod as such in order that i do not follow all his wishes. i told him that i would leave this city and move away for school. that i would live on my own for two years and work on who i am and what i want. and to try and become someone i like. someone i'm actually proud to be.
living on my own is something i've always wanted to do. and getting back into school is something i wish to achieve. but i'm not sure if these are things i want right now. i'm happy with the people i know here. i'm affraid to leave my friends for so long.
i don't want to be forgotten.
i beleive that slowly, over time, we change. we evolve when things in our lives happen to us. i am not who i was years ago, but i don't think it's possible to change myself overnight. the only way one can notice change is to observe over a long period of time. shad and i have lived together for two years. he knew me online for another year on top of that. who's to say his viewpoint over the last two years hasn't been too close? maybe he can't see the changes because he stands inside the circle and therefore can't see the shape as clearly.
and who's to say i need to change? sure, i may not like myself, but does that really hurt anyone? my dislike for myself hasn't been the kind i've seriously, physically taken out on me for years. and it's not that i hate myself. i am not happy with who i am. i want to be someone different. i want to be stronger. is that wrong? to want to change but to be affraid of change?
i discussed the ideas surrounding change with angel-wings. she says that if you are able to function in your everyday life - leave the house, work toward supporting yourself, make friends - then you do not seriously need to change. i can do these things. i DO do these things. so in her eyes it is not nesicary for me to change.
but shad - i live with shad - he observes me most out of anyone. he hears me when i cry. and he says i need to change. i told him durring our fight that i would try. but now i'm affraid that i'd be changing for him.
the way i chose to try and bring about some change would not be something he would like. i chose my meathod as such in order that i do not follow all his wishes. i told him that i would leave this city and move away for school. that i would live on my own for two years and work on who i am and what i want. and to try and become someone i like. someone i'm actually proud to be.
living on my own is something i've always wanted to do. and getting back into school is something i wish to achieve. but i'm not sure if these are things i want right now. i'm happy with the people i know here. i'm affraid to leave my friends for so long.
i don't want to be forgotten.