It's all ok for now
Don't worry; things are fine in my mind. If there's anything that I'm learning from this whole experience with Charleston, it's that I need to stop thinking about personal situations so much and just relax. When something bugs me, I can't seem to let it go. I focus on it until I figure it out or I kill it. This works out fine until I encounter something that has no solution.
The deal with Maria was a situation that at face value had no solution. I thought about it constantly, and it bugged me to no end. I had simulated and envisioned different outcomes, however unlikely, and in the presence of no real outcomes, I generated the one most likely.
It turns out that the one I choose most amplified my insecurities, and I thought that Maria had left me. It's happened in the past, and the way I was notified about the end of a relationship was silence. I had to draw my own conclusions, and it sucked to feel rejected, but it really hurt that nobody could let me know. Angie and Joanna come to mind. I'm over that, but the specter still remains, and I can't really forget about it.
At least I've realized that I have a big problem when it comes to distance. I do over analyze things, but given my history, I'm not going to say my feelings and conclusions were not genuine. I'm allowed to have my insecurities. I am working on them. For example, I'm now just looking at the facts on the ground. Recently, Alice told me that Maria had changed her facebook status to In A Relationship. I was a little worried that it wasn't with me, but I didn't have facts to base that conclusion, so I just assumed she put that down for me. I could have taken that act way out of proportion and freaked out, but there was no basis for that. Yes, there's the possibility that I could get screwed, but I'm putting myself out there; I'm allowing myself to get hurt again. When was the last time I did something like that?
I don't normally put myself in strategically terrible situations... but what the hell! I trust her, and I'm finished with this timid living. I can't spend the rest of my life living under a rock praying that I won't get hurt!
She's still in a pretty rough place, I hear... I get bits and pieces of information. I'm fine with that, but I haven't really said that I love her recently... I get a bad feeling for some reason, like she may have scolded me at one point for saying that. I think it was when I jokingly told her that I wanted her to move in with me after she had moved from a BEQ, and she said she didn't even want to think about that since she was so tired. I probably shouldn't have taken that negatively, but I'm pretty much doing that with everything she says now. It sounds like she doesn't need words of support right now, and I don't like talking to deaf ears...
I do miss her. I'd love to be with her right now, but each of us has a job to do. I just wish she'd sound a bit happier when we talk. Since we don't really do that anymore, there's no real problem.
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Man, it's gonna be awkward when if we meet up over Christmas break. I barely know who she is, and I'm more used to her being separate from me. When I simulate things, I actually want her to stay away from me because after our conversations, I usually feel worse. What it all boils down to is that I can't figure out why she still talks to me if it seems like I'm making her life worse. It's one of those "no solution" things that I was talking about, but I've stopped caring since she still talks to me.
Was everything ok? Yes. I do remember how I felt about her before she went off to Boot Camp. That hasn't changed much in my head. I still love her because she makes me laugh, and I still don't get even one millionth of a percent of happiness from other women. She's my baby, and I intend to keep her.