The Curious Case of Shut the Fuck Up
I watched the Curious Case of Benjamin Button just a couple of minutes ago, and it stirred some long dead emotion within me. Something that I've forgotten, more like repressed... the movie reminded me of the beginnings of the relationship between Kelli and I. And while that memory will be preserved eternally, the emotions unfortunately do not last as strong. I remembered what it was like to truly care about someone I loved. This sounds quite odd coming from me, especially since my last entry denoted how I'm about as emotionless as they come, but I didn't believe in that emotion of intense caring for awhile.
I phased it out because it was causing too much contradiction within my mind; case in point: Kelli. The naive method of thinking didn't apply anymore; we grew older and realized that storybook endings rarely exist. Love stretching a time and space is few and far between. I was shocked when I eventually figured out that she and I were changing and the distance between was growing. She and I were the one thing I really wanted to believe in, and she knew that. It took a lot of mental conditioning to break out of that mindset; I haven't been back since because I've been exposed too much to the world. I have seen extremely superior qualities in other people; not all at once, mind you. Strength, Intelligence, Humor... not so much Acceptance, but there have been a few. It is Boston, after all.
Caring about someone and knowing that the situation is so temporary is quite a damning thing, and I'm probably better off not thinking about it. There were so many temporary situations in that movie, and every single time, I thought about Kelli. I won't go into the experiences I recalled because I don't want to do so, but I distinctly felt a panic within each scenario. We didn't have much time when we were together, and we knew that. Recently, the short time hasn't bothered either; I'm fairly certain she's given up on me. Deep down I know, it is better this way.
She attributes it to a wrong time, and I agree, but only partially. Our differences were my fault; had I cared or tried, I could have made us work. Idly I waited, however, and opportunities slipped through my fingers. As yet I am not sure if I'd be ready for any type of relationship with her... I'm not even sure why I'm discussing this now. I was moved by a movie; it's rare, but nothing life-changing.
Looking back on life is painful at times, but that's only if you focus on the unfortunate moments. It's a no-brainer, but I haven't felt an emotion this deep in awhile, and I'm never sure how to deal with deep emotions. To be honest, I recall at one moment during the movie that my intense caring was not directed at any specific person. Whether to something unknown, some future person, I know not. Do I have a need to deeply care about someone? To love? I'm a human, of course I do.
I've heard of undirected anger, but undirected love? This coupled with extremely odd dreams... I'm a very lonely person, aren't I?
Maybe; I have friends to prove otherwise, but internally, do I really trust them?
SOUL SEARCHING: YOU'LL BE GOOD AT IT.
I phased it out because it was causing too much contradiction within my mind; case in point: Kelli. The naive method of thinking didn't apply anymore; we grew older and realized that storybook endings rarely exist. Love stretching a time and space is few and far between. I was shocked when I eventually figured out that she and I were changing and the distance between was growing. She and I were the one thing I really wanted to believe in, and she knew that. It took a lot of mental conditioning to break out of that mindset; I haven't been back since because I've been exposed too much to the world. I have seen extremely superior qualities in other people; not all at once, mind you. Strength, Intelligence, Humor... not so much Acceptance, but there have been a few. It is Boston, after all.
Caring about someone and knowing that the situation is so temporary is quite a damning thing, and I'm probably better off not thinking about it. There were so many temporary situations in that movie, and every single time, I thought about Kelli. I won't go into the experiences I recalled because I don't want to do so, but I distinctly felt a panic within each scenario. We didn't have much time when we were together, and we knew that. Recently, the short time hasn't bothered either; I'm fairly certain she's given up on me. Deep down I know, it is better this way.
She attributes it to a wrong time, and I agree, but only partially. Our differences were my fault; had I cared or tried, I could have made us work. Idly I waited, however, and opportunities slipped through my fingers. As yet I am not sure if I'd be ready for any type of relationship with her... I'm not even sure why I'm discussing this now. I was moved by a movie; it's rare, but nothing life-changing.
Looking back on life is painful at times, but that's only if you focus on the unfortunate moments. It's a no-brainer, but I haven't felt an emotion this deep in awhile, and I'm never sure how to deal with deep emotions. To be honest, I recall at one moment during the movie that my intense caring was not directed at any specific person. Whether to something unknown, some future person, I know not. Do I have a need to deeply care about someone? To love? I'm a human, of course I do.
I've heard of undirected anger, but undirected love? This coupled with extremely odd dreams... I'm a very lonely person, aren't I?
Maybe; I have friends to prove otherwise, but internally, do I really trust them?
SOUL SEARCHING: YOU'LL BE GOOD AT IT.