its hard to start this.

[matttheripper]

i cant believe im writing this post again. it seems all to surreal like mabey its a dream or the worst daja vu ever. im so hurt. im lost. i gave eveything to be with her. i thought it was real this time. im tired. my mind is tired. im so sad. im an emo little bitch. i just want to cry. but i cant because shes happy. i want to scream. it nothing comes out. i dont know how i feel, how i sound, or how puppy dog love i sound. i still love her. i will always love her. theres nothing i can do about it. i remember the first time we hung out. i remember the first kiss. i remember all the amazing times ive had with her. it hurts so bad. i feel like the world has collapsed onto me. like if i dont hold strong il die. i just dont know. i was so in love. i was ready for the real thing this time. i was ready to see her and smile.
i had these dreams about when i got my life straight and im sitting on the couch after working all day. and she comes over and whispers "i love you" and she cuddles up to me. and we fall alsleep. and shes happy and im happy and life is happy.
but now my life is a nightmare. i walk up thinking about her. i work all day thinking about her. i come home and the whole walk is what i would have done differently, what i would say, how i could make it better. then i go to sleep almost in tears cause i know when i wake up ill be alone. i hate alone. she promised. she promised. she promised. i just wish i could believe her. i just wanna cuddle up with her and hold her. i just want to be happy. i just want to be happy.