what is the deal? i can't win!
so i finally decide to just bag all my crap with the ex gf and just make a nice gesture and tell her how awesome she is. so i call her phone and it's off. so i look online and she's been idle a while and her IM says she's picking up Boge at eric's house up here in jersey. i figure it'd be nice to see her and maybe she'll call or something since she's around and visiting people she knows only through me. don't here from her or them so i try her phone again later, still off. so i figure she forgot to charge it or forgot a charger cuz she would do something like that and whatever. so i decided that i wanted to say this nice thing to her that i had been thinking about. so i tell her how awesome she is and how she's a beautiful person inside and out and i leave it on her IM cuz i can't get it to her any other way really. i felt really good about saying those things. i wasn't sure if i was ready to say them or ready to get the feedback she would have to give when i said them, but i figured i wanted to take some positive action.
so then tonight (later on the very day i leave the nice IM) i find out that she's been staying at eric's place and just chillin like everything's fine, hanging out with my friends from here and has made absolutely no effort to call me or contact me or anything. maybe you all don't think i should be upset about this, but i'm feeling pretty sensitive and vulnerable right now, and i had talked to her not long ago about how i felt she was almost trying to steal my friends after we broke up. she had organized a party AT my friend's house, with almost all people she knows only through me (or mostly through me, especially considering i brought her on the gymkana troupe both times she's been on it) and didn't invite me. mind you, these are good friends of mine, 2 of whom i'm living with next year. i dunno, it just really bothered me, so i talked to her about it and she couldn't have cared less, it seemed. she basically told me tough luck. in interactions we had later, she acted like nothing had happened, like everything was cool between us ... this is when i called her to tell her i saved all her artwork from being thrown out. she said thanks and wanted to get it from me, and she just acted like nothing was wrong. i'm just ranting now, and i feel crazy, but i don't feel wrong in feeling this way. i feel like she's completely inconsiderate of my feelings. i feel like she tells me all this stuff about how terrible she feels and how she wants to cry every time she sees me and then when we DO see each other, she acts perfectly fine, and i just can't put on some ridiculous facade like that. i don't have it in me. i hate being so emotional because i can't get rid of it until i write something like this for everybody to see and when i do and look back on it, it almost seems silly. but then something comes up again and i feel the same way, so am i wrong?
i don't think i would be so discourteous to go stay with people i only know through her down in md and hang out with her friends from home and not have the decency to call her. i just don't see myself doing something that ridiculous. it seems so dick. am i the one being ridiculous here or am i making some sort of sense?
help me out here
-Matt
ps, i wanted to write this to her because i can't just leave the really nice message for her to come home to when i don't want to give her the impression that i'm okay with what she did ...
i know i just left that really nice message to you earlier today, but i'm feeling very conflicted about it now ... i feel foolish for not having waited to say it to you in real time not only because its meaning held something too important to just leave awaiting your arrival, but now i feel perhaps such a kind gesture was premature ... it's not that i take it back, it's just that i don't appreciate you being 15 minutes away, hanging out with people you know only through me including my best friend, and not calling me, all after having had that talk with you about maybe paying attention to the fact that i'm sensitive about exgirlfriends and "stealing" friends ... did you think that calling together a party with friends you know mostly through me down in md without inviting me wasn't enough and you had to come up to jersey to insult me on my home territory? i'm extremely upset and am having a lot of trouble dealing with this ... i tried to call you three times but your phone was off and this was before i heard about any of this ... i just wanted to talk to you, and i saw you were starting your drive to nj (2 hours idle with the boge message up) and i wanted to maybe see you while you were here ... now i feel really stupid for having left that message ... i feel like you just couldn't care less about my feelings while i'm trying to be considerate of yours (note: i know that's not very evident in this message, but i'm pissed off) ... i don't even know what to say beyond this, which doesn't say much in itself. this is really just me rambling about being upset at you and that means nothing and you won't take it well, so what's the point right?
...what is the point? i won't send it to her ... but i will send this
i just wanted to point out that i left the previous nice message earlier today and my feelings have changed at least a bit since then...
i feel like such a dick but i feel like i can't let this go untouched because it tears me up inside...
so then tonight (later on the very day i leave the nice IM) i find out that she's been staying at eric's place and just chillin like everything's fine, hanging out with my friends from here and has made absolutely no effort to call me or contact me or anything. maybe you all don't think i should be upset about this, but i'm feeling pretty sensitive and vulnerable right now, and i had talked to her not long ago about how i felt she was almost trying to steal my friends after we broke up. she had organized a party AT my friend's house, with almost all people she knows only through me (or mostly through me, especially considering i brought her on the gymkana troupe both times she's been on it) and didn't invite me. mind you, these are good friends of mine, 2 of whom i'm living with next year. i dunno, it just really bothered me, so i talked to her about it and she couldn't have cared less, it seemed. she basically told me tough luck. in interactions we had later, she acted like nothing had happened, like everything was cool between us ... this is when i called her to tell her i saved all her artwork from being thrown out. she said thanks and wanted to get it from me, and she just acted like nothing was wrong. i'm just ranting now, and i feel crazy, but i don't feel wrong in feeling this way. i feel like she's completely inconsiderate of my feelings. i feel like she tells me all this stuff about how terrible she feels and how she wants to cry every time she sees me and then when we DO see each other, she acts perfectly fine, and i just can't put on some ridiculous facade like that. i don't have it in me. i hate being so emotional because i can't get rid of it until i write something like this for everybody to see and when i do and look back on it, it almost seems silly. but then something comes up again and i feel the same way, so am i wrong?
i don't think i would be so discourteous to go stay with people i only know through her down in md and hang out with her friends from home and not have the decency to call her. i just don't see myself doing something that ridiculous. it seems so dick. am i the one being ridiculous here or am i making some sort of sense?
help me out here
-Matt
ps, i wanted to write this to her because i can't just leave the really nice message for her to come home to when i don't want to give her the impression that i'm okay with what she did ...
i know i just left that really nice message to you earlier today, but i'm feeling very conflicted about it now ... i feel foolish for not having waited to say it to you in real time not only because its meaning held something too important to just leave awaiting your arrival, but now i feel perhaps such a kind gesture was premature ... it's not that i take it back, it's just that i don't appreciate you being 15 minutes away, hanging out with people you know only through me including my best friend, and not calling me, all after having had that talk with you about maybe paying attention to the fact that i'm sensitive about exgirlfriends and "stealing" friends ... did you think that calling together a party with friends you know mostly through me down in md without inviting me wasn't enough and you had to come up to jersey to insult me on my home territory? i'm extremely upset and am having a lot of trouble dealing with this ... i tried to call you three times but your phone was off and this was before i heard about any of this ... i just wanted to talk to you, and i saw you were starting your drive to nj (2 hours idle with the boge message up) and i wanted to maybe see you while you were here ... now i feel really stupid for having left that message ... i feel like you just couldn't care less about my feelings while i'm trying to be considerate of yours (note: i know that's not very evident in this message, but i'm pissed off) ... i don't even know what to say beyond this, which doesn't say much in itself. this is really just me rambling about being upset at you and that means nothing and you won't take it well, so what's the point right?
...what is the point? i won't send it to her ... but i will send this
i just wanted to point out that i left the previous nice message earlier today and my feelings have changed at least a bit since then...
i feel like such a dick but i feel like i can't let this go untouched because it tears me up inside...