adrift
I am spun up and I am not sure why. I feel like there is incredible opportunity out there for me but that I am wasting my time and chance. I fell into teaching because it offered an easy acceptable route when my life was turned upside down (even if it needed to be). I planned to make it a short term occupation not a career per se. I am nearing the end of my first year and looking ahead to the next, still teaching. If it was what I had naively hoped, a sharing of knowledge back and forth between willing, intelligent and enthusiastic parties, I would love my job. It isn’t. I spend the majority of my time yelling at the kids to be quiet and to put forth some effort. For the most part it’s futile. I inspire some, and I know I have taught a few German, a couple more lessons on life, but the majority I doubt have learned anything. I cannot understand the upbringing that fosters this kind of disregard for education and self-betterment. I know that I can remain in education and make a decent living if I am able to remove myself from the classroom, but watching my mom languish in the same job for years scares me. I want to be able to provide for my family (when I have one) and I want to spend time with them, but I also need to have a career that is fulfilling in itself. LB is going to observe me this Thursday and I am ashamed to think she will see what little I have accomplished, when I am used to being her “Superman”. I hate the students for their disregard for themselves and me, I hate myself for not correcting it.
I am anxious about Laura. She means a lot to me, and seems to mean more and more to me every day. Last night, I found myself wishing that we had gone out sooner than we have, not solely because I would have been able to see her more often, rather I want to be able to reminisce with her about past events we shared. I look forward to creating memories with her, but I wish we had more already. I am worried about the changes that are occurring; she is finished with school, and is living at home once again. I am glad that she is still (relatively) close by, but little things have changed; I don’t see her online, her schedule isn’t as predictable and while it provides me a free place to stay there are boundaries placed that we aren’t to cross. Even this isn’t the true root of my anxiety with her; she has training in Atlanta for 6 weeks this Summer. I can handle the separation (already have plans to chop it into shorter segments) but the idea that August may not be the reunion scares the hell out of me. Laura is the first girl who I have felt strongly for in a long time, being around her makes me happy, I relax and everything just seems more manageable. If she isn’t placed in Houston we plan on attempting a long distance relationship, it is the lesser of two evils, however due to past events I am scared-shitless that we are going to hurt ourselves. I don’t want nor plan to give up if we have to go that route, but God I pray it doesn’t come to that. I love Laura, I really am trying to be as objective and disinterested, if those are the right terms, about how I feel about her as I can be, but I am becoming consumed by thoughts of her. I want to be there for her, I want to make everything nice for her and I want to erase all the wrongs that have happened to her.
I apologize for the timing of this post, I know y’all have graduation this weekend and I don’t mean to burden you with my concerns, I just wanted to get them out. I am looking forward to celebrating with you. You both did an excellent job and I am amazed by each of your accomplishments.