Blank Sheets
I woke up today feeling that with what I'm experiencing right now, it's as if I've been staring at a blank sheet of paper. And yes right now, its mocking me for my inability to fill it up with so much as of a dot of ink. That's the problem with me I guess - I don't know what to do. Worse, I don't know what I want to do. And, somehow, I'm wishing that a bordered sheet of paper face me instead.
I guess... growing up the way I did. I never was used to being... how do I say this... I feel better when someone else sets the boundaries for me. Making me feel free but there's that automatic walls around me to say that I can only go so far. I like it that way... its as if I'm not jumping so much into the unknown instead, I'm being given the freedom to roam as I wish but I'm still safe? Does that make sense?
My mind is a huge mess and being a constant victim of thinking too much... it rattles me. It pushes me over the edge, these thoughts. It is honestly driving me insane... and that's not a very welcome feeling to me. Well is it to anyone anyways?
Is this longing for something I never had before? Am I ready for it if ever it did happen? Will I even let it happen? And even before all those... am I feeling something real or is this just because... well, I simply want to feel something like this...?
Besides, credentials... it bothers me too much and I feel so much of a bad person for thinking too much into it. I mean does that matter? Right now for me it does. But does it really matter? Is the feeling even mutual? Because frankly, I think my girl instincts is just working and I'm reading too much into actions and mannerisms and whatever? Is it real or simple courtesy?
DAMN IT WAS IT REALLY JUST MY DAMN STOMACH WITH COFFEE IN THE DAMN MORNING? or something else?
I have no idea. Someone told me to stop this... and somehow I'm inclined to follow. But, a part of me wants to go on... maybe its because its the littlest source of happiness I'm getting right now... sort of.
I guess... growing up the way I did. I never was used to being... how do I say this... I feel better when someone else sets the boundaries for me. Making me feel free but there's that automatic walls around me to say that I can only go so far. I like it that way... its as if I'm not jumping so much into the unknown instead, I'm being given the freedom to roam as I wish but I'm still safe? Does that make sense?
My mind is a huge mess and being a constant victim of thinking too much... it rattles me. It pushes me over the edge, these thoughts. It is honestly driving me insane... and that's not a very welcome feeling to me. Well is it to anyone anyways?
Is this longing for something I never had before? Am I ready for it if ever it did happen? Will I even let it happen? And even before all those... am I feeling something real or is this just because... well, I simply want to feel something like this...?
Besides, credentials... it bothers me too much and I feel so much of a bad person for thinking too much into it. I mean does that matter? Right now for me it does. But does it really matter? Is the feeling even mutual? Because frankly, I think my girl instincts is just working and I'm reading too much into actions and mannerisms and whatever? Is it real or simple courtesy?
DAMN IT WAS IT REALLY JUST MY DAMN STOMACH WITH COFFEE IN THE DAMN MORNING? or something else?
I have no idea. Someone told me to stop this... and somehow I'm inclined to follow. But, a part of me wants to go on... maybe its because its the littlest source of happiness I'm getting right now... sort of.